Intimidated..no consent

LegacyUser

I have heard something from a friend of mine, and I am worried about her and wanted to get some advice on how to help her.
She told me that she met a man on a date, he seemed nice and he asked her out again. He told her before the 2nd date that she could stay at his place (way out down the country) as there are no buses late at night and he wanted to have a drink so he wasn't driving. My friend is very shy and quiet with men, she told him quite clearly that she would only stay if he promised that sex was not going to happen, as she is likes to take things slowly. He pressed her a bit on the phone, but then said he was fine and ok with it, and still wanted her to stay overnight. The date was ok, he had about 3pints and she had one. Later they went to his place (walked in the country), he said she could sleep in his bed with him, she told him she was sleeping in her clothes (but took off her jeans, kept on knickers and top). They fell asleep, but later realised he wasn't asleep. He started to kiss and cuddle her. Then all of a sudden he jumped up out of the bed,and stripped off his clothes. She says he then stood over her where she was lying down, he started yelling out with his fists clenched (he is over 6ft) that she was to take off her clothes, she said she didn't want to, he continued to get angry, she told him she was on her period and he said "I don't care". She says that she froze, and in fear removed her clothes. He then roughly had sex with her. After he was done,she lay rigid for hours whilst he slept. He woke and he demanded she get in his car, he dropped her off like a parcel in the city. She went home and scrubbed herself. Now a month later she has told me this. She says she is only remembering it now, and that the man keeps texting her saying how good they are together. Could someone really block out something like this for a month? She gets upset when I say she was raped. Anyone else agree with me?

I am a friend

I think you should get professional advice on this one - doctor, call the rape crisis centre, gardai etc..

It doesnt sound good. Sounds like she was so scared by him she went along with it. She also needs to get STI testing done so first stop should be a doctor.

Its very strange though that she doesnt remember and thats why I think your first stop should be to get her checked out.

metrovelvet

Yes somebody can block something out like that for more than a month, years too.

She needs professional help asap. She could end up blocking out a lot of her life because if the way trauma effects memory.

That poor girl.

gargleblaster

Yes, it's very common to block things like this. I can understand her being upset when you say that, too. A very common view is that what she is doing is somehow just regretting having sex with someone, as opposed to having been intimidated and coerced, blocking it out and then remembering later. It's not unlikely that she's internalized that kind of judgment, and that's a very painful thing.

I agree with you, she was raped. She needs counseling. Please don't pressure her on what to do as far as reporting it as she may end up shutting you out, just pressure her to talk to someone who is qualified to help her deal with this.

I'm so sorry this happened to your friend.

Esoteric_

Firstly, it IS rape.

Secondly you definitely can block out memories for weeks, months, years, decades. i'm not going to go into too much detail but something similar happened to me with a boyfriend and continued, with increasing violence and forcefulness, for a month and a half. I completely blocked it out. At the time, I convinced myself it was normal behaviour (I was only 17 and had grown up in a bad backround so didn't really understand normal relationship behaviour) and literally forgot about it. After a year, I realized what had happened and opened up to my mum about it.

To this day (5 years on), I still am missing some memories, stuff I know that happened but can't remember very well. I also cannot remember telling anyone about what happened to me. I know I told a few boyfriends, my family and my best friends, but I have absolutely no memory of actually telling them! It's the mind's way of dealing with traumatic events.

Your friend is probably getting upset because she doesn't want to believe she was raped. I certainly didn't, and for a few months I got REALLY angry if anyone said it to me, and up until 2 years ago, I couldn't verbally say that I was raped, I could only say I was hurt.

You have to let your friend come to you in her own time. Don't push her or try to make her talk about it. Let her bring it up and, much as I hate to say it, for her sake, do NOT push about going to the Gardai. I believe she should, but pushing anyone into it will do nothing but cause them more distress and trauma.

Miss Fluff

Yes it is very common for the mind to block out traumatic incidences. I'm sure you've heard of crash victims not remembering a single thing about the event itself and then having flashbacks? Often the same with abuse victims and people who have suffered a trauma. It's the mind's way of coping.

This was not consensual sex. Proving that it wasn't will be very difficult however, especially given the circumstances. I think she should first get herself checked for STIs and then seek counselling through the Rape Crisis Centre who will be in the best position to advise her. Be there for her and be there to listen to her. It will probably only come back in fragments, all you can do right now is support her and show her that you believe her and are there for her.

tinkerbell

Oh god, your poor friend Your friend was raped, she needs help. Get her to a doctor so she can get herself tested and seek counselling as the others have suggested.

And yes, the mind can block out traumatic incidents, it locks the memories away in your brain as a way of coping with the trauma.

calex71

Just to add a male opinion on this, this was in no uncertain terms rape. No excuse for this bastards behaviour :mad:


All I can say OP is just be there for your pal in however she wants to proceed.

aidan24326

Even though it would be difficult to prove and he may never be convicted or even charged, your friend ahould still absolutely report this to the gardai. Let them take it from there as to what they do next, if anything. She doesn't have to explicitly use the word 'rape' if she's uncomfortable with it, let her just relay the events as she told them to you and let the guards decide what to do. If her version of what happened is accurate I think that it would constitute rape in the eyes of the law.

A visit to a doctor or women's health clinic would be in order also. The sooner the better. There will be people there who can help her further.

Emme

This is date or acquaintance rape which is one of the most common forms of rape. In cases like this people are arguably more likely to block out the incident rather than in the case of stranger rape. Freezing and dissociation (going out of your body to avoid "feeling" the rape) are very common, it sounds like your friend did this. It's like you can't feel your body from the head down during the event but sometimes the pain will come back later in flashbacks.

Your friend should contact the Rape Crisis Centre ASAP. Support her as much as you can - she will need it.

Flashbacks are common after this type of experience and it may be a long time before your friend will be confident enough to date again. Sometimes people can block out such experiences for months or even years.

Again, please get your friend to contact the Rape Crisis Centre. She will need counselling after what happened to her.

Abi

Yes it was rape. yes she has been blocking it out, as everyone else has said.



OP, you're in a difficult position with her, but you have to gently coax her to do something about this. She is getting upset because she doesn't want to accept what had happened to her.


I think if it were me I'd buy her a new sim, because he's tormenting her further now, and acting like nothing bad happened. This is not good for her, she will continue to repress, and that bullying manipulative bastard is trying to convince her what happened is acceptable, without saying WHAT happened.

I would then tell her to text everyone she wants to have her number, then take it off her until she's willing to the gardai with you. If she's not ready to report it or lift the phone to rape crisis, then you ring them and ask them for your best course of action. I wouldn't over-press her on it, but theres no way I'd let it go, she needs help.