My girlfriend's ex looked almost exactly like me.

LegacyUser

I'm freaking out a bit here. I met my girlfriend a year and a half ago at a social event in Dublin and we immediately hit it off. We were part of a wider group of friends, and for a few weeks before had been flirting on Facebook so she knew what I looked like and I knew what she looked like.

We got talking afterwards and never really looked back. I found out however very near the start of our relationship that she was only a few months out of a very long-term commitment with an ex-boyfriend (eight years) and so that bothered me a bit at the start. But I told her that and we had a discussion and it never seemed an issue - we went from strength to strength and are now making plans after a year and a half to move in together. I'm completely in love with her and she says she is with me (and I believe her).

But recently I saw some pictures of her ex-boyfriend (who I'd not seen before) and I realised he looks EXACTLY like me, just with a beard. I mean even the glasses and hair and everything else is the same. We could be not just brothers but twins.

So now all my worries that I was a rebound are bubbling back to the surface. Did she only get talking to me and fall for me because I reminded her so strongly of her ex? She was only just out of a very long relationship with him so she admits she was totally broken up about the loss and then suddenly I'm there looking almost exactly like him and sharing things in common with her like he did.

I don't doubt that she loves me like she says she does but suddenly I'm worried that doesn't love me for being me but that she loves me for being almost exactly the same person as her ex - her feelings have just carried over from the last relationship.

Help!

premierlass

Are you certain he was her ex? He wasn't a brother or cousin?

curlzy

Woah! Calm down there. You're girlfriend has a type, so what? I really think that's all this is. You're a different guy to her ex and a rebound doesn't last 1.5 years! She's in love with you and you're in love with her, don't let your insecurities ruin that. You seem to have major ones, work on that and stop this paranoia before you push her away.

gargleblaster

I'd tend to doubt that she'd be with you for a year and a half just because you remind her of her ex physically. In that time she's gotten to know who you are, and she's fallen in love with you based on who you are.

Her initial attraction very well could have been sparked by your resembling her ex, or maybe she just has a type and you both tick all of her boxes physically speaking. Either way I think you are most likely worrying over nothing. If she was showing signs of not being so into you, or talking about her ex, that would be one thing - but from what you've said it sounds like you have a good relationship.

Miss Fluff

A lot of people have a "type" that they go for, you obviously match physically what she finds attractive in a guy.

And rebound flings don't last 18 months.

You need to nip thoughts like this in the bud now or you're going to ruin things. She wouldn't be with you if she didn't love you. If she was with you purely because you look like an ex who she is still hankering after that would in fact make her a bit of a nutjob. She sounds like a nice girl so these issues that you have are entirely created by your good self.

She wants to be with you because you are you. End of.

I am a friend

Ah yeah, I agree with all the above posters. She has a type.. Thats all.

Dont ruin this over unfounded jealousy /worry. Sounds like ye have a fab relationship so trust in that and in her and all will be well.

greengirl31

Op, I fancied the pants off my ex and now even 4 years later I find myself drawn to men that look like him. Now I still find him physically attractive but do I want to get back with him or have anything to do with him - Not a chance cause he's a plank !! Your GF has a type and that's all - Don't be over thinking the situation. Rebound relationships tend not to last longer than a month and a half let alone a year and a half.

trio

Well I'd be worried if you not only looked like him, but also talked like him, walked like him, shagged like him, had the same mannerisms as him, liked the same things as him....if you were his clone to the bone, in other words.

But you're not, are you? You have a resemblance, that's all. And so what she was cut up about the break up at the time? It was 8 years, I'd be more worried if she was blase about it, tbh. It was presumably her whole adult life at the time - she probably thought she'd never meet anyone else!

Yeah, she has a type. But she's still with you and talking about moving in with you because of how DIFFERENT you are to the ex, not because of how similar.

Because that relationship was a big fat failure. People break up because they're not happy, because things have gone stale and they're not in love anymore - they've just been together so long that they can't remember or imagine being single.

Oh and by the way? You do look different in one very distinct way. He has a beard. That's a pretty big difference. She may fancy guys who are a particular height and build (all women do), and wears glasses (those black framed ones in particular are quite hot) but she may have HATED the beard. They're scratchy, and most definately not for every girl.

Wibbs

greengirl31 wrote: »

Op, I fancied the pants off my ex and now even 4 years later I find myself drawn to men that look like him. Now I still find him physically attractive but do I want to get back with him or have anything to do with him - Not a chance cause he's a plank !! Your GF has a type and that's all -

+1. Pretty much everyone has a "type" to one degree or other. Some have a personality type, some have a physical type. Some vary a lot, some don't. I've a mate who has a very narrow type indeed. Him: "Me and X have split up, I'm with Y now" Us: "really, how can you tell them apart?". At one point we reckoned he was cloning them in his shed.

Rebound relationships tend not to last longer than a month and a half let alone a year and a half.

I'd somewhat disagree with this. I'd define a rebounder as a relationship hastily jumped into after a significant relationship ends, without dealing with/avoiding the emotional fallout of the previous one and using the new person as a crutch. I've known such rebounders to last for years. I know two people who even married theirs(not good).

I really don't think it's the case here and it doesn't read like that. In my experience anyway, there's pretty much always some overlap in rebounders, not a gap of a few months. The type who rebounds can't be alone and can't deal with the emotional stuff, so jump immediately to a new person. They seem more common where the previous relationship failed in the honeymoon to long term transition IE together 2 or 3 years not 8. After 8 years you're pretty sure it's not working anymore. More to the point it usually shows the one leaving has worked at saving it, long after it was beyond saving.

I'd add another thing I've noted, not always but usually rebounders tend to go for someone very different to the previous person. They're trying to avoid dealing with the loss of the previous, going for someone who looks the same would remind them too much.

Don't be over thinking the situation.

This is the biggie. Look to what's going on, not what you may feel is going on. The latter is insecurity, not reality in most cases IMHO. She's with you. The relationship is going really well by your account. She's not bouncing between you and the ex or anyone else and she's planning a future with you. I honestly don't see any red flags here MirrorImageofEx.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all your replies everyone! I must admit I've been freaking out over the past few days about this but I think an element of that may also be because I'm freaking out a teeny bit about the moving in together and I know I just wanted to make sure that before I make that jump there's nothing I'm missing that means I'll get hurt further down the line.

Ye have all been brilliant though and really put my mind at rest so thanks for the good advice!

moco

I’d just like to add, that sometimes when you meet someone that looks the image of someone you know, after you get to know them as a new and totally different personality-wise, you can’t even see the likeness anymore.

Like people who just meet me and my sisters sometimes can’t tell the difference, but people who know us don’t even think we look alike.

catch me if you can

hey i wouldnt worry.
many many people out there have a type. a physical type that they are attracted to.
some women like dark guys, some like fair etc etc. same for men, some like bliondes some like thin some like curvy etc.
so most likely she fancied you at the beginning because she was attracted to your looks. you were her 'type'.

im sure your personality is nothing like her ex and thats why you two are going strong.

LegacyUser

I'm a dark skinned dark haired lady who always goes out with blue eyed fair haired men with sexy freckles. Guess what? My identikit exes also have exes that look like me. lol. It's completely normal.