Everythings gone cold...

LegacyUser

In my relationship with my b/f for four years, wonderful for the best part but for the last 6 months or so the sexual side has taken a wallop due to a number of things going on in both our lives, working different hours (him nights, me days etc..) We've spoken about this as it used to be such a huge part of our relationship..

Now the cuddles and affection seem to be heading in the same direction, we used to wake up huggy and it was a great start to my day, now we don't, We've attempted to talk about this and while we both love each other to bits I think all around things have just gone very stale of late. Any advice? I don't want to talk it to death but I would really love to get things back on track.

Toots

Would it be possible for ye to get away for a weekend together? Not necessarily abroad, but just a hotel in a different county maybe. You might find that a change of scenery and a weekend to just be a couple might be just what you need.

Neyite

I take the view that a relationship is a bit like owning a car. You have to take care of it, repair it when necessary, and replace the tyres when they start getting worn and so on. You don’t have to worry about the long journey ahead because you know you look after your car well.

If you run your car into the ground, ignore the warning lights, or hear funny noises, don’t be surprised if you breakdown somewhere along the way. Leave it long enough and the damage can cause a write-off instead of repair.

Firstly stop talking and start doing;). Dont feel bad that you sit and talk this through - we would often say to each other that we need to put in more of an effort, but unless you actually do anything, then the talk seems to make you wonder if the other is more self concious that you are doing it because you had the chat if you know what I mean?

You need to go back to basics here. Remember what you did when you first got together? You’ve got to do that again, that applies to both of you but. if you make a start, he will probably follow your lead pretty quickly.

If your schedules are night and day, then leave him a sexy IOU for a siesta when you get home. You want your hugs back in the morning? Just say “Oi, where’s my hugs, mister?” Are you still there in the morning when he gets home? Drag him in to bed for a quickie, if not, tell him he has to ‘tuck you in’ (aka, have a shag) before he goes to work at night. If he is in the shower, jump in too and start soaping him up. ;)Send him cute random texts during the day (but not waking him). Make him a ‘mix tape’ (remember those?) Bring home a bar of his favourite chocolate, or get some sexy outfits or accessories and surprise him with them.

Make an agreement that each of you has to plan 2 dates a month each on alternate weeks. Could be as simple as an evening walk through a nice park or wood, a homemade picnic or a bath night with candles and music and the two of you in the tub, or a baby oil massage. If you have a bit more cash, go for a meal or a night out, or see a band you both like, but somewhere that you both can connect on.

Make it about fun again. My OH had a water pistol that he pulled out on a walk on a sunny day and chased me around the place with it, even now a year or two on, I smile thinking about me squealing trying to escape and laughing so hard that I couldn’t. Instigate a tickle fight for no reason. We tend to mess a lot – last night he was on one sofa and me on the other, and we started throwing pistachio nuts into each others mouths and it escalated into a nut fight:D. If he is puttering around the kitchen then grab him for a hug, snog and a grope then let him back to what he is doing.

curlzy

Couldn't agree with Neyite more. You both need to start making it fun again. I know it's hard, it sucks that you guys are on opposite schedules but you can make it work if you both love each other (and it sounds like you do). So yeah as many gestures of romance and fun as poosible.

Best of luck to you both.

MildredW

Hi OP,
I too am in a similar situation to you. I have been with my bf for 6 years and living together for 3. He also works nights and weekends the majority of the time, while i work days mon-fri. I do love him very much but recently i have began to wonder are we more like friends than a couple as things have gone kinda stale too. Realistically i know that relationships cannot be sparks and butterflies all the time as day to day life and commitments get in the way but he isnt as affectionate as he used to be and we do not have as much sex as we used to either. We have spoke about this a few weeks ago and while i know that he loves me and still fancies me, not much has really changed since our chat. I also would love some advice on this, do people think that most relationships go through a phase like this??

Whispered

I am the night worker in our relationship and I have to emphasise just how tired I am. It's not like a bit of a "yawn, not tonight dear" but a full blown literally unable to function without a huge sleep type tiredness. So please don't think your OH has gone off you in any way. Also try to take into account how much of a half live people tend to live when they work nights. It can get you down very easily.

I live for the weekends now, really I do, during the week I'm away for 4 nights and I miss my husband so much. But what can I do, I need to work. There have been times, say when he'd have had a bad day, that I'd be sobbing driving in, thinking that my "place" is at home with him, not driving to a very poorly paid job, with no prospects and no job satisfaction. It's a constant struggle to go in, and when I'm there a struggle to stay there. I know if anything happened to my husband I'd spend the rest of my life living with guilt that I spent our first year of marriage out of the house for more than half the week.

We try to pack as much as possible into the weekend, when we can afford it we go for a cheap weekend, camping is also great for just getting away and is a real laugh. If we can't do these we make sure to take a half day for a long walk, and Friday night is usually "veg in front of the tv" night (I can't do anything on a Friday, usually asleep by 9pm). I do my best to make sure we have dinner together every evening. We really have to make an effort to keep things alive, this includes conversation. Both partners have to make the effort, the ones who don't work nights need to understand that it's not personal. The ones who do, need to make more of an effort when they are home.

Best of luck - please remember that it's not personal.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies.. i'm completely new to this place so have no idea how to quote you all...
We have taken a couple of weekends away together and have had a blast, unfortunately things go back to normal when we return, it's truely a matter of both us putting time and effort into our relationship to make it work, and at the moment I feel I'm the one making most of the effort.

I'm in no way blaming him for our lack of sex life, truth be told if he came in after work and tried to wake me up for a bit of how;s your father I'd probably not budge... Same goes for him when I get up in the morning.. We both work 11/12 hour days/nights and are whacked at the end of them. I think it's just the pressure of everyday life at the moment, we need to find a balance I suppose.