me, my bf and him...

LegacyUser

Hey guys,
I will try and keep this as short as I can. In a relationship for 3 years but still living with my friends.
One of them moved in with her fella so we needed to find a replacement and this is where the problem started.
A hot looking guy moves in, an immediate liking for each other and after some time we have sex for the first time.
This guy is so sweet, full of attention and romantic as well till a day when I tell him to slow down with the romance as I could possibly fall for him and also because I think it only want casual sex with me so “pretending” there is something else would hurt me
After this “chat”, he is colder with me and now he hangs around less and we never made it anymore..
Problem is, I really like him and I don’t know what to do..I don’t understand if he is not interested in me anymore or he stepped back because of my r/ship
Thank you
Advises?

I am a friend

"Advises?"

Yeah - quit treating your other half like ****. :eek:

LegacyUser

Your shagging your housemate despite being in a long term relationship?

And your wondering why the new guy has gone cold?

Are you for real? If I was in his shoes Id be running a mile!

Esoteric_

Stop cheating, how about that?

greengiant09

how about you do your boyfriend a favour and walk off a cliff??

premierlass

Seriously, OP, I'm really and genuinely at a loss for what kind of answers you want here. Are you hoping to be encouraged to pursue the person you're cheating with? Really?

judgefudge

Are you in an open relationship...?

LegacyUser

Ouch, that’s a bit harsh on the OP.

Yeah, you shouldn't be cheating on your boyfriend and you should definitely not have slept with your new house mate?

I'm confused that you want advice on how to deal with the other guy giving you the cold shoulder and not asking how to deal with being with your boyfriend having cheated on him!

To be honest you don’t deserve either of those guys! You should probably break clear from the both of them. Break off with the boyfriend and move out of the house you’re in and start fresh.

I know if it was me I would be riddled with guilt but I have a conscience!!

Neyite

s/cupid wrote: »

Problem is, I really like him and I don’t know what to do..I don’t understand if he is not interested in me anymore or he stepped back because of my r/ship

Its possible that he stepped back because he thinks you are playing games with him - he sees you flirt with him, then have sex with him, then tell him you want to take it slow, all the while he sees you presumably being all loved up with your boyfriend while duping him behind his back. Maybe he is having second thoughts on what kind of person you are. Maybe he is blowing hot and cold because you started it first?

You dont even sound the least bit regretful that you cheated on your boyfriend of 3 years. Do the decent thing and break up with him. He deserves more.

Sonics2k

Stop cheating.

Tell your boyfriend.

Get dumped, and deal with the fact you really have made a huge mistake.

Sorry OP, but I don't see how this could end well for you.

Otis Driftwood

greengiant09 wrote: »

how about you do your boyfriend a favour and walk off a cliff??

If you do not have anything helpful to add to this topic then do not post in the threads.


Edit

The above user has been permanently banned due to having received a number of bans and warnings in here previously.

LegacyUser

First of all, wow..how judgemental of everybody to say I should be regretfull and so on.
I am in an open relationship and there is no such a thing as cheating...
the rules of a couple are made and decided by the couple..

As long as it is only sex, it's fine but here I am getting emotionally involved with this other guy, which, IMHO is far worse than being phisycally intimate..

If none of you understands this, well, what can I do?

it's not you who have to say what's right and what's wrong and anyway, I don't give a toss...
I was only seeking some open minded opinion

jon1981

I am in an open relationship and there is no such a thing as cheating

If you omit this piece of information how can you expect anything but the responses you got?

Open relationships are not the norm and people don't automatically think oh its an open relationship, when they hear relationship they think the traditional committed kind!

Miss Fluff

You should have clarified you were in an open relationship at the start rather than giving half a story and then becoming defensive.

Do you still love your BF? Do you want it to work with him? If so then you need to sever contact and move out as you can't possibly carry on the way things are.

If you don't love your BF then at elast have the decency to break it off, then you're free to pursue the thing with your housemate.

I think you know that you've (unintentionally) broken the cardinal rule of an open relationship. Now that feelings and emotions have come in to it you're going to have to decide who you want to be with and take the necessary steps to make that happen.

tallaghtmick

Dump your bf you obviously dont want him.Plus he deserves better than to be cheated on.

fghijkl

First you say

also because I think it only want casual sex with me so “pretending” there is something else would hurt me

Then you say

As long as it is only sex, it's fine

I think you need to decide what the problem is tbh. You're upset because he only wants casual sex, but then you say it's ok as long as it's only casual sex?

so whats the problem? You asked him to back off on the romantic stuff because you just wanted casual sex, so he did, but now your upset that he's treating the relationship the way you wanted it to be treated, as just sex?

After this “chat”, he is colder with me and now he hangs around less and we never made it anymore..I don’t understand if he is not interested in me anymore or he stepped back because of my r/ship

He's colder with you because you basically told him you just wanted sex and not a relationship. He's just doing what you told him. I don't see what there is to understand?

You and your boyfriend have agreed you can have sex with other people, but if you've started falling for this guy romantically then it get's complicated, you're deceiving your bf, you're cheating on him "emotionally", you have to decide which guy you want, the new guy or your bf. Having an open relationship is one thing but i doubt your bf would be happy if he knew you had feelings for another man. You have to decide who you want. It's terribly unfair on your boyfriend to string him along.

curlzy

Hey Op,

My advise is to buy the book "The Ethical Slut" by By Dossie Easton and Janet Hardy. It's a book about open relationships and polyamory. I've never been in an open relationship and never want to be, but the book is interesting.

It really sounds as if you don't have a clue what you want and may be too immature to deal with an open relationship without hurting people. I recommend reading that book and figuring out what exactly you want. You told your housemate it's just sex you want and now you're upset because he's stopped being romantic, so yeah figure out what you want before asking for something.

Best of luck.

Wompa1

s/cupid wrote: »

First of all, wow..how judgemental of everybody to say I should be regretfull and so on.
I am in an open relationship and there is no such a thing as cheating...
the rules of a couple are made and decided by the couple..

As long as it is only sex, it's fine but here I am getting emotionally involved with this other guy, which, IMHO is far worse than being phisycally intimate..

If none of you understands this, well, what can I do?

it's not you who have to say what's right and what's wrong and anyway, I don't give a toss...
I was only seeking some open minded opinion

Leave both and start again. You are not mature enough to handle an open relationship, you don't seem to be able to separate your emotions from sex which would be key to having an open relationship. Also I'd question if having sex with someone you live with is the best idea, there's a saying don't sh!t where you eat. Getting involved with a housemate or workmate usually ends in tears.

Pandora2

Has the third party been informed that you are in an open relationship or, did he think he was having an affair? Did he think there was a chance you would leave your current relationship for him? Never been in an open relationship but I imagine there are rules to be observed......

Esoteric_

You never told us at the start that it's an open relationship, so we would obviously assume it's a monogamous relationship.

Anyway, if it's an open relationship then sex isn't cheating, but I stand by what I said. Stop cheating on your boyfriend. You've developed feelings for the second man and are upset that he doesn't share them. That's breaking the apparent rules in your relationship, ie cheating.

Distorted

Do you have any morals or personal boundaries OP? Failing that, much common sense?

From his point of view, I doubt he is that much into you. He probably just enjoyed easy sex on tap without having to go out looking for it, now he's waking up a bit and has formulated an opinion about you and for whatever reason, is taking a step back.

From what you have described, he might well be thinking you are more trouble than you are worth.

I thought everyone kind of knew housemates are out of bounds, as it tends to cause horrendous problems? Never mind when you have a boyfriend already (I note you have made no mention of him at all in this whatsoever...)

fungun

open relns work based on 100% trust that it is just sex

with this guy it was not just sex, so actually it is correct to say you have cheated.....esp since i assume you havent told your oh about your feelings.

To save your reln (if thats what u want), you need to do that now