Is this a girl I really want to get involved with?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,

I am working with this girl who quite frankly, I am infatuated with. She is pretty, intelligent, and a hard worker. She come from a great family (who I get along with - kinda long story) I get along great with her.

The only problem is that she is a flirt. She is a flirt with everyone. If customers come into the shop where we work, and they hit on her, they will add her on Facebook hours later. She has 2000 friends on Facebook, 90% of whom she never ever see's. She told me all of this. She has confessed to also having commitment issues to me. She has one night stands sometimes, yet she has told me she wouldn't mind a boyfriend right about now.

She is a great girl, but she has these flaws which she told me. I have texted her on two occasions to a pretty mediocre response.

I don't know if I want to get involved with her. She is like a poison chalice, but I'm so drawn to her. Is this a girl that I want to get involved with? And how in the hell do I pull myself away from her?

My head is wrecked, because I really like her, but I dislike certain attributes about her. Maybe WHITE KNIGHT SYNDROME?!

Thanks

premierlass

How well do you know her outside of work? I'm asking because sometimes people are different in private life than what their work persona may lead you to believe. How exactly do you know the details of her one night stands? Your infatuation is feeding itself on uncertainty. If you get to know her in person either your doubts will be confirmed and you can move on or you will be pleasantly surprised. Either way sitting and stewing is unhealthy.

P.S. I am making the assumption that you care about the details of her private life because you disapprove of one night stands in general. If you hold her to a different standard than you hold yourself to, that is a different thing.

Taltos

Isthisloveorwhat wrote: »

She is a great girl, but she has these flaws which she told me.

Op - what flaws?
Flirting? Surely not.
One night stands? not my cup of tea but it is not my place to judge.

From what you have written the only one with issues here is you. I don't mean to be harsh but if she is dealing with the public then the personable role is ideal. If you cannot cope with jealousy or see what you have described as flaws then I hate to say it - but maybe just let her get on with her life and stop judging her. I would even go so far as recommending you distance yourself as no-one needs a friend telling them their life / personality is a "flaw".

If though you can accept this and move beyond these judgements or there is something more you are not telling us then my advice would be different but based on your first post...

premierlass

I empathise with having certain standards that you would want a potential partner to share, so in that case having a preference that she would be the same is reasonable. But I agree that being fixated on her personal life is a bit creepy. It'd be useful if the OP could clarify.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for replying. Well she has told me that she has commitment issues that stem from insecurities (her words not mine), yet despite this, she has said that 'she would like a boyfriend now'. It is this confusion that makes me wonder what she actually wants.

After work, if we all go for a drink, her flirty nature gets her attention that she doesn't even want. She will also flirt quite innocently with co-workers (sexual innuendo, brushing by them, non-necessary touching of hands etc.) So it is not confined to a personable attitude to customers.

It kind of sounds like she is more trouble than she is worth, however I feel myself drawn to her. Perhaps I am the one with the issues?

premierlass

OP, if you like her, you like her. It's not a disease.

You're basing character judgements on offhand observations she has made and what you acknowledge is innocent flirting.

What on earth would be wrong with getting to know her properly? If she really doesn't want commitment you can walk away.

Honestly, do you really have any respect for her? Then treat her as a human being, not some abstract notion.

Taltos

OPhere wrote: »

Thanks for replying. Well she has told me that she has commitment issues that stem from insecurities (her words not mine), yet despite this, she has said that 'she would like a boyfriend now'. It is this confusion that makes me wonder what she actually wants.

After work, if we all go for a drink, her flirty nature gets her attention that she doesn't even want. She will also flirt quite innocently with co-workers (sexual innuendo, brushing by them, non-necessary touching of hands etc.) So it is not confined to a personable attitude to customers.

It kind of sounds like she is more trouble than she is worth, however I feel myself drawn to her. Perhaps I am the one with the issues?

OK - lets keep this simple.
Committment issues - read as - been hurt in the past need to protect myself but if the right person came along...
Flirty nature - um - if this is how she is then this is who she is and if others mistakenly believe her friendliness is a come on it says a hell alot more about them than it does her.

If you cannot move past your judgements of her - and accept her for the person she is and all that entails then just stay as friends because if you are emotionally committed to her and cannot control your jealousy at what you perceive is a flirt then that relationship is already doomed.

Overheal

Are you drawn to her because you think you might be able to get in bed with her? You don't have to answer that, but I think it's a question worth asking yourself.

I can understanding wanting to help someone sort through an issue (it's what I'm doing right now!) But her issue is commitment? And she wants a boyfriend? And you want to be that guy? This sounds like fire. And yes, White Knight Syndrome. Lovely that they named that.

Blackpitts

chances are that after you get with her you would get annoyed or hurt in few months time.
In both cases it wouldnt be a nice situation.
Look and personality can be misleading sometimes, even the most beautiful girl can loose her appeal due to her flaws.
IMHO, stay away and look elsewhere for the right girl for you.

moco

If you’ve texted her twice to a mediocre response, then it doesn’t seem like she’s interested in you anyway.

Problem solved.

Neyite

moco wrote: »

If you’ve texted her twice to a mediocre response, then it doesn’t seem like she’s interested in you anyway.

Problem solved.

I agree. All you have said is that she would like *a* boyfriend and it seems you have assumed that the choice is up to you whether or not to get involved. I dont see where she has indicated that she is even attracted to you.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Thanks for all replies. I appreciate all replies. I've left out a fairly big part of her flirting with me (my bad - sorry). She mouths over 'I love you' to me across the shop when it's quiet, and we have agreed to go to the movies together. I just get a horrible feeling that she is only leading me on. My instinct is telling me she is leading me on, but again, I (consciously) think she is a fantastic woman.

Sorry for leaving that out, my heads just in tizzy about her.

LegacyUser

Sorry to post again, but I can't edit as unreg. Last week in the shop (busy street -Dublin city), I saw her talking to a group of lads for ages. When she came back over she said to me that 'she was scoring that guy a while back'. Then while talking to a guy I'd know from the shopping centre she asked me if I knew him. I said I did, through work, and she said she knew him to see, from another guy she was kissing too.

I understand this sort of behaviour if it came from a teen but we are mid- 20's! Stuff like this coupled with my post above makes me turn away from her, yet I still like her.

Hopefully this phase shall pass

I am a friend

Isthisloveorwhat wrote: »

• The only problem is that she is a flirt.
• She is a flirt with everyone. If customers come into the shop where we work, and they hit on her, they will add her on Facebook hours later.
• She has confessed to also having commitment issues to me.
• She has one night stands sometimes.
• She is like a poison chalice, but I'm so drawn to her.

You seem to want to character assassinate her rather than appreciate her. You appear insecure and I think you end up trying to change her behaviour if you did get with her.

Maybe just chalk this one down to experience and move on to someone more suitable than you.

naasface

Hey OP,

I met my boyfriend in work and he said he used to think the same things about me- that I was flirty with the lads and customers in work, over-friendly.

But actually, I really liked HIM and was trying to well, not to play hard to get but ignore him so he liked me more? It's hard to explain!

I was extra friendly and tried to come across fun and carefree when I was actually mad about my (now) boyfriend.

It was a defense mechanism so that if infact he didn't feel the same way about me I wouldn't have made it too obvious that I liked him in the first place. It sounds like u like her a lot. I say play her at her own game. Play hard to get, the odd flirty remark will throw her off too.

Disclaimer: I know there is a lot of mind games in what I just wrote but in my experience it always works.

LegacyUser

Id take her telling you she has commitment issues as her warning you off. Despite her saying she'd like a boyfriend it doesnt really sound like she does.

If you like her however, go for it but only if you can leave your judgements of her at the door and dont expect her to suddenly stop being a flirt, thats her personality.

Firetrap

That she's not really responded to your texts tells you all you need to know really. If she was genuinely interested in having you as a boyfriend, she'd have been more enthusiastic. All that "love you" stuff is as genuine as a two pound note. She's just flirting with you, just like she does with everyone else.

LegacyUser

i think you should let her be op,i think she's wrecking your head,you know she flirts with everyone,has loads of friends on fb,then tells you she loves you,then continues to flirt away as normal with other people,i think she's just one of them girls that would like to use guys and love all the attention she gets.

Seriously op,i know she might look beautiful,but i think you will get hurt in the end,and the part of her saying she has "insecurities" that sounds rubbish for someone who can be an outright flirt,sounds like commitment insecurities to me.

Theres always a better looking woman to come around the corner and fall for you and treat you right.

LegacyUser

OP here,

Perhaps I just need to 'man up' and grow a set to ask her out properly, and get to know her. If it works out, it works out. If it doesn't, at least I tried.

I didn't mean to character assassinate her earlier, I was probably just trying to dissuade myself. My instinct still tells me to be wary, but I may as well go for it dammit.

Lux23

If you really like her why not take the risk and ask her out, afterall its the things we don't do that we regret more.

Overheal

Paintball: You know it's going to hurt in the end, but you'll have fun.

Elle Collins

Well it's up to you OP, but I know I wouldn't want a relationship with someone who flirted with everyone of the opposite sex they came across in the course of a day. That just wouldn't be for me, and it wouldn't be for most people, regardless what you read on here.

LostinKildare

The masochism of the romantic!

LegacyUser

OP here.

I went out with her tonight for a few drinks, after a bit of a gig in a mates house. I enjoyed my time with her, and I had fun, but a few home truths came a-knockin'. Much and all as I like her, we don't 'click'. A few pieces of advice from this thread were heeded too. I think this has passed. Thanks for all advice. We're in work in four hours though - d'oh!