Long & Complicated - Advice please.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
this may be a bit long winded but I'll do my best to keep it short and I would appreciated any advice.

Firstly, OH & I have been together about 14yrs, he had an affair 2 yrs ago and left. we have two kids. Just as I was getting back on my feet he came back full of apologies and said he wanted to try again. Against my better judgement I took him back - I really wanted to do what was best for my kids and also financially I would have struggled alone. It was probably not the right decision as I feel I will never trust him and to be honest I don't think I even love him anymore :-(

The second part of my problem is an ex that broke my heart before I met my OH. We have recently been in contact and i seem to live in a constant daze now! When we split up I felt I never got closure and so really never got over him. While I don't hope for us to rekindle the relationship I want to be able to move on and forget about him. I often felt problems with my relationship with OH were due to the fact that I never really got over my ex. However, I don't know if this is something I want to admit to my ex.

I have alot of really good friends but I do not fully trust anyone. I have been thinking about some counselling to help sort my head out but I'm going to ask you boardsies for your advice first (it's free afterall). So please all advice appreciated :-)

Thanks,
confused

greengirl31

Hi OP,

You seem to have alot going on here so I think that some counselling would be your best bet. I would also say that you need to make a decision - if you want things to work with your OH, cut contact with your ex - If you're with your OH 14 years, your EX was a very long time ago and I wonder if you're using him as an excuse for the issues with your OH. The grass is always greener and all that ... Perhaps see someone yourself but you should probably think about going to see someone together to deal with the affair.

Chinafoot

unreg for this one wrote: »

Against my better judgement I took him back - I really wanted to do what was best for my kids and also financially I would have struggled alone. It was probably not the right decision as I feel I will never trust him and to be honest I don't think I even love him anymore :-(

OP, while I get that you think being a family unit is whats best for your kids, being with their father when you don't trust or love him anymore is only going to do more damage in the long run. Kids aren't stupid. They are clever little sponges that take in everything around them. They know when their parents are unhappy and it can affect them very deeply. I'm sure they would much rather have two happy parents that aren't together than two miserable parents under the same roof.

You don't love your partner. After his treatment of you and your children I don't blame you. I honestly think that you should tell him its not going to work out and ask him to leave. Set up a maintenance agreement immediately so that he is paying his fair share for the kids.

I think you're on the right track with the counselling. You're back in a relationship with a man who completely betrayed your trust and who you no longer love. The ex appearing on the scene is probably bringing about a case of the grass being greener. Focusing on the ex and what you had back then is a good way to distract from whats going on in your current relationship. Definitely give counselling a go so you can try to clear your head and figure out what exactly you want to happen.

Best of luck OP. I hope it all works out for you.

Miss Fluff

Excellent advice from Chinafoot.

I think your intentions of getting back with your OH, while well-intentioned are ill-advised. Kids need two happy parents and you don't sound to be too delighted at the prospect of getting back with him. You obviously don't trust him and not loving him anymore isn't a good basis for a sustainable and happy partnership.

I'd go for counselling and I'd also avoid this ex you refer to for the time being. I think being in touch with him will cloud your judgement and right now you need some clarity of thought.

Hope everything works out hon.

LegacyUser

Hi guys,
thanks so much for all your advice which is spot on and probably exactly what I would say to anyone in my situation. Unfortuantely it is finding the courage to take those steps that I find most difficult! My OH is not a reaonable person and I think if I say I want to go he will not make it easy for me. He knows that if he keeps going on at me eventually I give in and he gets his own way (yes I am weak in that respect). I guess I am scared that my life will become more difficult, especially financially. Would it not be better to wait until i am more financially independent. Also he works away alot so it is not like there is tension and arguing around the kids, although I would prefer to provide them with a better role model for a relationship.

Ye are all right about going for counselling and again it is finding the courage to admit to someone that I have failed at providing a happy and stable family. Its so bleedin hard to say it :-(

And yes the ex provides a distraction and some happy memories and I think I just need to say a proper final goodbye which I should have done all those years ago to get my 'closure'

Thanks again for all your words of wisdom, its nice to know you are not alone (even if thats how you feel).

confused :-)

Laura_lolly87

OP If you don't love your OH please finish it for your own sake. Life is short and it would horrible to spend it with someone you don't love, respect or trust. Staying with him for your kids sake will be worse for the kids in the long run if you are miserable.

As for your ex. Cut contact with him until you realise what you are going to do about your OH. That way he won't be around to influence your decision.

Best of luck and I hope everything works out for you.

curlzy

unreg for this one wrote: »

Unfortuantely it is finding the courage to take those steps that I find most difficult! My OH is not a reaonable person and I think if I say I want to go he will not make it easy for me.

He knows that if he keeps going on at me eventually I give in and he gets his own way (yes I am weak in that respect).

Ye are all right about going for counselling and again it is finding the courage to admit to someone that I have failed at providing a happy and stable family. Its so bleedin hard to say it :-(

Hey OP,

You didn't fail at anything. Your husband made a royal f*cking mess of your marriage all by himself. No matter what was going on at the time, he put the nail in the coffin when he cheated and left. Stop feeling like a failure. Being strong enough to say "I'm not happy but I'm gonna change it" is not being a failure, at all. It's something that I admire immensely. My mother got a divorce in 1970's catholic Ireland:eek:.

She is so glad to this day that she had the balls to do it. I asked her about it when I was a teenager. She said it made her feel like a failure at the time. I told her that she was my hero for having the guts to go against society, her family, her church, her workmates, everyone really. 2 years later she met my Dad and they've been together 28 years . She had the courage to find her happiness and I'm so glad she did, it wasn't all roses growing up but there was alot of love between them. If you don't have love in a relationship then it won't work and you'll both be worse, not better, parents. Way better to have two happy separated parents than two miserable ones.

If this marriage can't give you happiness then you need to get out.

I think you're stronger than you think you are. At the moment you're tired and down, it can feel really really hard to do brave things when you feel like that. But you need to do this for yourself and your kids. Having a miserable parents is lame and you do pick up on it as a kid.

I know what you mean when you say you can't find the courage. I felt like that when I realised I wanted to end my first long term relationship (5 yrs). When you decide that you definately want out, have a good think about what you want to say to him and then tell him. Just stick to your guns, you don't have to let him wear you down. You can also remove yourself from his company. Talk to him, tell him what you've decided and then if he starts nagging go stay in your friends or a hotel and leave him to move his gear out. You should maybe get some legal advice regarding maintenance and house.

wow that was long and rambley

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Aw thanks again guys for your help and advice. I have made an appointment to start counselling and hopefully soon will be able to start building a new and happier life for me and my kids. Wow Curlzy that was really brave of your mum to get a divorce back then. I sometimes think Catholic Ireland has a lot to answer for; so many people stay in unhappy relationships because of the stigma of being separated/divorced. Also I live in a small town where people like to gossip which doesn't help either! But I guess I'll get over that when the time comes :-)

Thanks again, best wishes to ye all!

curlzy

unreg for this one wrote: »

Wow Curlzy that was really brave of your mum to get a divorce back then. I sometimes think Catholic Ireland has a lot to answer for; so many people stay in unhappy relationships because of the stigma of being separated/divorced.

Hey OP,

Yeah it was really, really, really brave, her family stopped talking to her, her colleagues gossiped about her and the parish priest (I s*it you not) called to her door numerous times to tell her she was wrong to want a divorse. But she stuck to her guns, thankfully, her ex was a total sh*t, he was cheating and the like. She got through it quicker than she thought she would and she found out who her real friends were in the process, she's still mates with them:). It won't be half that bad for you though, times have changed (for the better). All of society was against her and her decision but it's not like that anymore. Gone are the days when you were expected to put up and shut up, now you're allowed to say "f*ck this sh*t, I deserve happiness and I'm gonna make that happen". My mam says that the album "Rumours" by Fleetwood Mac helped her through that time, especially the song "go your own way" (I love that song too). Maybe find your feel good album and listen to it while you're going through this, be good to yourself.

The very best of luck OP, you're gonna be fine, onwards and upwards

Also come back here for some backup if things get hard, we're here to help.

I am a friend

unreg for this one wrote: »

I sometimes think Catholic Ireland has a lot to answer for; so many people stay in unhappy relationships because of the stigma of being separated/divorced.

I dont agree. You cant blame the church for people being afraid of being talked about.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont agree. You cant blame the church for people being afraid of being talked about.

Thats fair enough - you can't blame them for people being afraid of being talked about but you can blame them for instilling the belief that divorce goes against all their teachings and people that divorce cannot be active practicing catholics! When my OH left me my daughter remarked that if I got divorced I wouldn't be able to receive communion because her friends dad is divorced and he told her so. Do you really think that is the right message to be sending out? Separation/divorce can be upsetting enough without the added strain of being gossiped about and if the church was more acceting of it so maybe would other, the older generation in particular. Just my opion though.

I am a friend

There is nothing wrong with being divorced but as you know, with the catholic church you are either in or you are out and you choose. It's the message for generations and if you choose to marry within the church then you deal with the consequences when you break that sacrament.

Chinafoot

I am a friend wrote: »

I dont agree. You cant blame the church for people being afraid of being talked about.

Well yeah you can actually, given the enormous amount of power the church had over Irish society. It's all very well to think 'pffft, I wouldn't give a crap if had been me.' But you're talking about a time when the country was predominantly Catholic and priests were some of the most important people in society. People in this country had their societal norms dictated by the church and it was very, very difficult for people to go against those norms and for some it still is. Some people have family that would be devastated if they got a divorce because the traditions of catholic Ireland are alive and well for them. To think the church has zero influence on todays society is extremely naive and incredibly simplistic.

Now this is all very off-topic and in no way helpful to the OP of this thread. I notice you couldn't find the time to offer the OP any actual advice on her situation.

OP, how are you feeling at the moment? I know its tough to think about leaving but hopefully you can talk things through with the counsellor and find some clarity. From what you said, all the financial security in the world isn't worth keeping your kids in that situation. It will damage them in the long run.

I am a friend

Chinafoot wrote: »

Well yeah you can actually, given the enormous amount of power the church had over Irish society. It's all very well to think 'pffft, I wouldn't give a crap if had been me.' But you're talking about a time when the country was predominantly Catholic and priests were some of the most important people in society. People in this country had their societal norms dictated by the church and it was very, very difficult for people to go against those norms and for some it still is. Some people have family that would be devastated if they got a divorce because the traditions of catholic Ireland are alive and well for them. To think the church has zero influence on todays society is extremely naive and incredibly simplistic.

This is 2011 not 1950 and now there is no social stigma with regard separation / divorce due to the church.

As far as I know you are not a mod so its not up to you to police what I say. My point to the op was that attitude is in the past.

Chinafoot

I am a friend wrote: »

This is 2011 not 1950 and now there is no social stigma with regard separation / divorce due to the church.

Again, naive and simplistic. Devoutly Catholic parents and extended families, small rural villages where the church still has a massive influence on the community. These things still play a part in continuing the social stigma of divorce/separation. Just because you personally don't have experience of this doesn't mean it doesn't still happen.

I am a friend wrote: »

As far as I know you are not a mod so its not up to you to police what I say. My point to the op was that attitude is in the past.

I don't believe I made any attempt to "police" what you said. I merely made an observation that your post offered no advice to the OP on her personal situation. "That attitude" is not in the past for everyone unfortunately. Your post was rather belittling tbh, particularly when the OP was just making an observation on both the other poster's mother's divorce and on society in general as she sees it. She said herself that she's from a small town where she knows she will be talked about but that she will get over it when the time comes.

Perhaps we should bring this back to the OP?

Amazotheamazing

unreg for this one wrote: »

I often felt problems with my relationship with OH were due to the fact that I never really got over my ex. However, I don't know if this is something I want to admit to my ex.

Can you expand on this? What way did your feelings for your ex cause problems for your current relationship?

I think you've nothing to lose by being honest with your OH, at the minute the relationship is moribund anyhow, it's going to take both of you to save it if that's what you want and if not, at least you'll both know where you stand.

Ickle Magoo

At all times, please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP - be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you have an issue with a post or poster, please use the report function and let a moderator deal with it rather than dragging the thread off-topic.

If you haven't already done so, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, me again. Thanks for all you input. A little update: today I tried to explain how I felt to OH; that things were not working out and that I could not really see a future for us. His first reaction was to rant and rave and shout abuse at me. He thinks its all my fault; I don't make enough of an effort etc. When he eventually calmed down he just kept saying he doesn't want the relationship to be over. I tried explaining that there is no relaionship where there is no trust but he was having none of that. In the end I said if he wanted we would carry on as we were for the time being but that eventually its going to end. He just doesn't seem to understand that we could both probably be happier apart. So I'll have to wait and see what happens...


To answer amazotheamazings question: my ex ended the relationship very suddenly and through a third party so I feel I never got closure and was always wondering why it happened. I met my OH about 4 months later and the relationship became intense quite quickly. In hindsight I had possibly never dealt properly with the break up before starting a new relationship. Shortly afterwards I became pregnant and I guess my fate was sealed. Even at times when I felt the relationship was not right I didn't want to admit that maybe I had made a mistake. Over the years I have often thought about the ex and I really just needed to put it behind me.

Sorry for rambling on, and thanks for reading.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. I often wonder what happens to people here on boards and how their issues are resolved so I just wanted to pop back and give you my update. After several weeks of struggling along and being miserable I finally plucked up the courage to tell OH that it was over! He was so not impressed but I feel like a gigantic weight has been lifted off my shoulders! :-)

I realised my decision was definitely the right one when he promptly told the kids it was my fault that the family would not be together!! He is also refusing to move out but all of this has strengthened my resolve to forge ahead with my new life. Despite the fact that I know it won't be easy financially or emotinally I am still happy with my decison :-)

So I just wanted to say thanks again for all your earlier advice xx

PS curlzy I am now a big fan of Fleetwood Mac ;-)

Taltos

Hi OP - saying well done feels sort of you know - but well done.

This cannot have been an easy decision - and I am guessing that in the coming weeks you will have bad days as well as good. Try to stay focussed during those low points on what it is you deserve in life - to be happy.

Based on his reaction - kind of classic really - hopefully he won't escalate this but either way he has really shown how immature he is. Blaming you for him ending the marriage - trust me - I have heard that one before...

Try to surround yourself with close friends and family. Don't lock this away inside yourself - get it out there - you have nothing to be ashamed of - in fact - having taken the step you took - you have a hell of a lot to be proud about.

Your kids are lucky to have you for a mum, some day they will realise that, might just take them a while.

> Virtual hug. T.