Wish he'd put in a bit of effort!

LegacyUser

Hey guys,

Goin unreg for this one as its a bit embarrassing. I have recently moved in with my boyfriend of a few years, we are both mid twenties. The problem is... he doesnt really take care of himself. By this I mean, he showers maybe ever 4 days. Considering his job is quite manual and we live in a warm climate, as you can imagine its not the nicest situation. He gets home from work and sits round all evening in his work clothes, which are also not the nicest smelling because he doesnt wash them too much.

I understand that he sweats because of his job bus is it too much to ask that he showers when he gets home, or every second day or something? Sometimes I actually just end up telling him to go take a shower, its like he forgets. He doesnt smell like a homeless person or something, but at the same time it doesnt exactly make me want to jump his bones. Another thing is he doesnt brush his teeth very much. I mean, I don't expect him to brush after every meal but is once a day much to ask? It can lead to his breath being a bit foul sometimes, and on top of that he's a smoker.

He also tends to wear hoodies and tracksuit bottoms EVERYWHERE now. I really amnt that fussy but it would be nice if every now and then he'd try to look a bit nicer for me, as I do put in an effort to look nice for him.

Anyways I feel terrible saying this stuff, its really only somethin thats come to light since we moved in together. He just really seems to have let himself go!! I think he always put in a bit of an effort when we were living apart... Just looking for some advice on what to do.

I love the guy to bits and find him really attractive, but I guess its just a bit of a turn off sometimes I suppose. I don't know how to approach the subject without upsetting him or making him feel like I don't fancy him.

If you think I'm crazy and the above is normal tell me!! I've never lived with anyone before so I don't know what to expect!

nicechick!

washyourself! wrote: »

Hey guys,

Goin unreg for this one as its a bit embarrassing. I have recently moved in with my boyfriend of a few years, we are both mid twenties. The problem is... he doesnt really take care of himself. By this I mean, he showers maybe ever 4 days. Considering his job is quite manual and we live in a warm climate, as you can imagine its not the nicest situation. He gets home from work and sits round all evening in his work clothes, which are also not the nicest smelling because he doesnt wash them too much.

I understand that he sweats because of his job bus is it too much to ask that he showers when he gets home, or every second day or something? Sometimes I actually just end up telling him to go take a shower, its like he forgets. He doesnt smell like a homeless person or something, but at the same time it doesnt exactly make me want to jump his bones. Another thing is he doesnt brush his teeth very much. I mean, I don't expect him to brush after every meal but is once a day much to ask? It can lead to his breath being a bit foul sometimes, and on top of that he's a smoker.

He also tends to wear hoodies and tracksuit bottoms EVERYWHERE now. I really amnt that fussy but it would be nice if every now and then he'd try to look a bit nicer for me, as I do put in an effort to look nice for him.

Anyways I feel terrible saying this stuff, its really only somethin thats come to light since we moved in together. He just really seems to have let himself go!! I think he always put in a bit of an effort when we were living apart... Just looking for some advice on what to do.

I love the guy to bits and find him really attractive, but I guess its just a bit of a turn off sometimes I suppose. I don't know how to approach the subject without upsetting him or making him feel like I don't fancy him.

If you think I'm crazy and the above is normal tell me!! I've never lived with anyone before so I don't know what to expect!

Say exactly what you've just mentioned maybe edit slightly! Your going to have learn to be open & honest with each other and sometimes its not always positive! Seriously its unhygienic he needs to know this ughhh

carolinespring

Tell him how you feel. That it upsets you and that it is one of the basic things to have a daily shower and brush your teeth twice a day. If my huband did that it would turn me right off and he would not be getting in my bed!!!

Be honest and tell him how you feel about it. Maybe suggest that when he gets home from work that he jumps in the shower while you start the dinner.

7Sins

Just show him this thread

Miss Fluff

How the hell can he expect you to go down on him or be intimate with him in any way when he's not giving himself a good scrub? :eek::eek::eek: Hints are obviously not working. Tell him to stop being such a filthy tramp and to get into the shower as soon as he comes home every evening. He owes it to you, he should WANT to be clean and smell nice for you. What vile carry on!

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks for the replies! Yeah I have to say there have been a number of times when he has been trying to be affectionate or intimate with me and I've just felt really turned off. Its sad cause I love the guy and hes great looking and we get along like a house on fire.

I just have no idea how to approach it... like I've mentioned things once or twice before and he kinda reacts like I'm nagging him... Sometimes when I've said 'you gonna have a shower?' he'll spray links and says 'instant shower' and its just really really not the same...

maybe I'm too soft on him but I don't want to be a naggy cow, especially since we just moved in together. with the clothes and things he says he just feels totally comfortable around me now so he doesnt feel like he has to make an effort. That just makes me feel a bit sad. Maybe I'm overreacting. I always make an effort to look nice and at the very least be clean for him!!

Ah I don't know if I'm blowing it out of proportion or if I'm being too soft!? Ha.

LegacyUser

I've told him before that he smelled when he came home from work and he just looked hurt. I don't want to hurt his feelings here, he works hard and treats me like gold. I don't think its a conscious thing that hes doin. Hes not a slob in other respects and despite what it sounds like he doesnt stink to high heavens. Just sometimes I'd like him to be clean and sexy and smell nice.

Basically what I wanted to know was weather its possible to prod him in the general direction of cleanliness, or if I need to come right out and say it? I don't want to hurt him but its hard to believe that he already feels that comfortable round me after a couple of months! Imagine in 20 years time!

I was thinkin of suggesting showers together and things but obviously thats not feasible everyday. I just dont know how to handle this delicately.

Contessa Raven

washyourself! wrote: »

Basically what I wanted to know was weather its possible to prod him in the general direction of cleanliness, or if I need to come right out and say it?

I just dont know how to handle this delicately.

Unfortunately, hints never work with things like these. If hints worked, you wouldn't be posting here.

You'll just have to sit him down and be honest about it. Let him know that it's putting you off being intimate with him. Ask him if he'd mind showering when he comes in from work. He may get annoyed but that's him being stubborn and defensive. Explain to him that you're glad he feels comfortable around you but that it doesn't mean he should stop bathing daily.

I think it's very disrespectful to you that he won't make any effort with hygiene. It sounds like he has become complacent and lazy.

Stick to your guns on this. It's a really bad habit that he has fallen in to and if you don't nip it in the bud ASAP, it will become harder for him to break out of it.

Whispered

Ah OP you poor thing - If it makes you feel any better I think a lot of people have a hard time when the first move in together. You have so much to get used to and it takes a while to find your feet, get to know each other _to live with_ (there is a difference) and to learn which battles to pick and which ones to just let go.

In saying that, lack of hygiene is not a small quirk. Could you gently tease your OH in a "you smell like a caveman, come have a shower with me" type of way? You're not nagging then, but still getting your point across.

Shoe Lover

OP, you say you've been going out for a couple of years before you moved in together, so surely you would have noticed this before? Before you moved in together, did he arrive to meet you washed and dressed nicely? Sometimes, I think, when ppl move in together, they feel very comfortable with their OH and let their standards go. Maybe suggest you have a date night, even just go for a walk or something, but it might give him the push to get into the shower? Failing that you'll just have to come out with it as otherwise, it could start to build up into resentment and ruin your relationship!

LittleBook

washyourself! wrote: »

If you think I'm crazy and the above is normal tell me!! I've never lived with anyone before so I don't know what to expect!

It is "normal" to expect someone, particularly a person involved in manual labour, to shower once a day ... AFTER that manual labour.

washyourself! wrote: »

I've mentioned things once or twice before and he kinda reacts like I'm nagging him

I actually don't think this is a "we've moved in together and now he's gotten comfortable" type of problem. Maybe you don't shave as often (either of you ), maybe you don't bother to put on aftershave every time. But this is different ... somebody didn't bother to teach him personal hygiene so either you will have to or get used to the smell.

washyourself! wrote: »

I don't want to hurt his feelings here, he works hard and treats me like gold.

I completely understand this, it does seem like you're hurting his feelings but, in the long run, you will both see it for what it is ... advice from love.

As others have said, there's no point approaching this indirectly.

And if it helps, think about this ... are YOU the only person who he spends time with? Don't you think other people are aware of his smell and are thinking that he is dirty? I'd be mortified if people were thinking something like this about my partner!

Just tell him, straight out ... rip off the plaster so to speak. It's the only way.

LegacyUser

washyourself! wrote: »

I've told him before that he smelled when he came home from work and he just looked hurt. I don't want to hurt his feelings here, he works hard and treats me like gold. I don't think its a conscious thing that hes doin..

OP, if he say this

washyourself! wrote: »

... since we just moved in together. with the clothes and things he says he just feels totally comfortable around me now so he doesnt feel like he has to make an effort.

It is a conscious thing; he can't be bothered anymore.

I don't understand being hurt if someone tells you smell after a hard day of manual labour.

LegacyUser

OP here, thanks guys. I think I'm just going to have to sit him down and say it directly to him. I just think hes going to react badly, basically I know its going to hurt him and he will take it personally! God.. I can just imagine if he turned round and told me to clean myself.. I'd die!

I think you're probably taking it as worse than it is. I mean, he doesnt stink to high heavens and nobody bar me would notice it. Before we moved in together he always made an effort to dress nicely and to be honest I never noticed any smell. It may be just that now the fact that I know how often he showers its putting me off! Because he only smells when in his work clothes, otherwise hes alright apart from cigarette smoke. Oh.. its tricky.

And the 'feel so comfortable around you' remark was made when I complained about him dressing nicely - not personal hygiene. To be honest I havent worked up the nerve to really tell him how I feel about the personal hygiene issue because I really don't want to hurt his feelings. ahh..

Toots

I don't think you have an option but to tell him TBH. I had to have this conversation with my OH when we first moved in together, and it wasn't easy but it had to be done. Like your OH, his job is very physical and when he came home every day he'd need a shower, no two ways about it. I think he just sorta got stuck in a rut, and when I said it to him he got very defensive about it but I asked him how he would feel if I stopped showering and was all smelly and he admitted it would start to bother him.

So he started showering as soon as he got home and I made sure to do nice things for him to show him it was appreciated (both sex related and non sex related ). Fast forward a few years and he's straight into the shower when he comes in the door. I can't remember the last time he didn't smell lovely. I think it's really boosted his self confidence too, cos when you're nice and clean and looking good it makes you feel better about yourself.

Good luck, it won't be easy to say but it is worth it.

Hermes5

Sounds like he's taking you for granted? He must know you want him to be clean but couldnt be arsed having a wash. He needs to be trained, like a puppy!! Point out to him that it is normal for people to be reasonably clean and he's obviously not normal. Once he gets used to feeling clean he will enjoy it...its a habit!!