Getting it off my chest

stacexD

Hey, I don't know what exactly I'm looking for by posting here but like the topic says I'm just trying to get some stuff off my chest.

So a bit about me, I'm 19, just moved back home after first year of college. No job. Not going back to college this year. Feeling like I'm in a bit of a rut and don't have anyone I can talk about it with.

Friends: I suppose I should mention that a lot of the reason I have nobody to talk to is becuase the year before last I was bullied for the first time in school, which affacted me a lot. It's quite a long story but the people i was bullied by used to be my friends so I ended up leaving school with very few "friends". I made a lot of friends at college but none of them live anywhere near me so it isn't very easy to stay close.

Family: I have my dad who is everything to me but when it comes to emotions and feelings he puts up a big wall. My mother, I have a very bad relationship. For the past 4 years she's been claiming to be depressed, which she was for a very short period but no longer is (we were told this by the doctor) She stays in her room all day long, leaves maybe twice a day to go for a pee. My dad brings her up food and cigarettes every day along with 2 packets of biscuits or big chocolate bars or the likes. She is around 30 stone (I think),pushing 60 and basically just eating and smoking herself to death (this kills me to watch but I've tried and failed to do anything about it). I've tried so much for the past few years to build a good relationship with her but each time she just throws it back in my face and I get pretty depressed about it before deciding she's not worth it and I should just forget about her (before doing it all again a couple of weeks later)

College: Well I did first year in business last year which was a bad decision. I changed my mind about which course I wanted to do after the CAO was already in and when I was offered business I took it as it would mean getting out of the house (which with the way things were going with mum is all I was thinking about) I took out an overdraft to cover me until my grant was through, which lasted until around christmas then after that on my grant i was left with around €15 a week after rent & bills for food and evertything else. Which got me pretty down again, at this point I was starting to realise that I was fighting for something that I didn't want to do (business that is) and since my overdraft was gone even getting into second year of business with the grant would be very unlikely unless i got a good job for the summer, otherwise i wouldn't be able to affoard to go back. Therefore I decided not to go back next year.

Work: I've never had a proper job before, I've applied to around 30-40 places since I finished college in May and got the "sorry we have decided...." reply or no reply to all of them so far. At the moment I can't go on the dole. So I have no income.

Money: Obviously since I have no job/dole/anything I have no money and still owe the bank my overdraft. My dad is unemployed at the moment and after he buys my mum her fags (first priority in their world) he's lucky to be able to buy dinners and the essentials so I get no money at all from the parents either.

Home: I live in the countryside, 7km from a small village and 20km from the nearest town. I can drive but have no car, when I want to be brought somewhere by my dad I have to pay petrol money so thats a no go either. Theres no young people around, so basically the only company I have is my dad.

Been feeling really down about these things lately anyways. Feeling like theres no way out, Would love to go back to college but have no money and having no luck finding a job. The only time I get out of the house is the weekly trip to Tesco (sad I know) but I have no money/transport to socialise. Up until the last couple of weeks I've been coping ok but I'm just feeling hopeless at this stage.

That's a bit about me anyways.
Rant over & feeling slightly better having put that somewhere other than my head

kingelmo

Wow Stace that was alot to take in, im sorry to hear about all of the above. and i honestly dont really know what to say to you.

I think you need to just go out and have some fun, even its just messing in the country.

I know life throws s**t at everyone and its dam difficult and i know its hard iv been there but you gotta bouce back from it. Its the small things that make a difference.

You sound like a lovely person so you must have a lot of friends bar from them people in school (even at that forget about them lowlifes), even if its just going to a mates house.

Job wise, its impossible to get work, im finishing up covering mat leave in 2 weeks and im jobless from then on and like you cant draw the dole!! Personally what iv found is that an employer looks for experience rather that waht you did in college. Even if you found something voluntery for the moment - it will give you experience and get you out of the house - you will meet new people and it will pick your self up abit.

College wise- eh college was not for me i hated it, i done business too, i done a 2 year course and it killed me to stay there for the 2 years, I finished that in 2010 and iv worked covering leave since and i HATE it... I wish i had done something different but i have no idea what tho..

I dont know what else to say to you hun, Keep your head up, and esp its summer try and get out a bit and you'll even feel better in yourself. Hope i helped you in some shape or form

woodchuck

Sorry to hear all of that, sounds like you’re having quite a rough time at the moment.

I agree with kingelmo about the volunteer work. Do you have any elderly neighbours within walking distance that you could help out with odd jobs around the house? Or small kids nearby that you could babysit? And having volunteer work on your CV will help towards getting a job too, it looks much better than just having a big gap of dead time. And keep working on your CV and applying for jobs. For every job you apply to try to get into the habit of tweeking your CV slightly to suit that particular job best. And include a decent cover letter too, this should also be specific for each individual job. It just looks better than sending out a generic CV to everyone (sorry, you might already be doing all this, but figured it couldn’t hurt to point it out just in case).

I think the important thing is to keep busy in order to keep your moral up until you get a job (and don’t give up!). You’re lucky that it’s summer at least… maybe you could take up jogging or something similar that doesn’t cost money but at least gets you out of the house. Or you could try your hand at a bit of gardening. I know these are only short term solutions, but it should help keep you sane for a while at least. And any time your Dad is going anywhere in the car, see if you can tag along just to get out of the house.

Try to keep in touch with your friends as best you can, even if it’s just by email/phone at the moment. It means that when you’re in a position of having money again you won’t feel strange picking up where you left off in terms of nights out etc. Would it be possible to invite any of them to stay with you for a weekend occasionally?

It might also be worthwhile looking into FAS courses. I don’t know exactly how it works, but I think they actually pay you to do them. And again it’s something good to put on your CV.