Help! -I am too shallow.

pavilion29

I'm nearly thirty and im trying to meet women. My problem is, i'm too fixated on looks and i'm very picky. Don't get me wrong, im always friendly and im not rude, but I find that i just cant entertain a huge interest in the girl if i don't find her physically attractive, and it seems no single irish women that i meet are good looking enough for me. The attractive single irish girls i meet tend to be rude and highly conservative. I know I sound like a shallow asshole. I think i've got a real problem. I've probably watched far too many movies and expect that sort of standard of looks in real life. When i go abroad i cannot get over how much more attractive the women are. Im not saying irish girls are ugly, but in looks they just don't do it for me.


Another problem is that most of my friends have girlfriends now except for me and its all down to my shallow pickyness. I have no single friends to go out with, who're looking to meet women like me. It very difficult to go at it alone. I rarely meet new women around my friends too, as they are all very settled and just go out with their girlfriends. Should i just date women i meet that i have zero physical attractiveness for, or should i hang on in there? Ive found that im far more attracted to foreign women compared to irish women. Ive dated some in the past but i find that despite my initial attraction for them, i ultimately have more in common with irish women. What should i do?

I've tried online dating with limited success. can anyone help me or should I serious address my shallowness? Maybe i just need to move abroad?

Otis Driftwood

sunflower27 wrote: »

You make no mention of personality at all.

What do you want a girlfriend for? To look good on your arm?

Physical attraction is important, but saying you can't find any attractive women makes me think you are somewhat deluded about your own looks. You make no mention of women approaching you. Do they?

I'm not Irish or male (or gay), but I happen to think Irish women are very attractive.

You are missing out and only you can change that, by getting to know what is inside a woman and that is what makes a person truly attractive, not the size of their breasts, colour of hair, height, etc.

+1

Everyone knows what attracts them OP however if you are dismissing everyone based purely on looks then you are likely to be alone for a long time.

pavilion29

pavilion29 wrote: »

When i go abroad i cannot get over how much more attractive the women are. Im not saying irish girls are ugly, but in looks they just don't do it for me.

Go abroad and look for women there so

Smyth

Why do you think it's bad that you don't want to be with someone that you don't find physically attractive?

As long as you're not completely off your rocker waiting for some Megan Fox lookalike to come into your life and fall into your arms, don't settle.

Why bother? Sure you can base it all on personality, but we're physical creatures and physical attraction is a big part of who we are. Our entire culture is obsessed with it.

You don't wake up beside someone in the morning and think "God, I want to ride the hell out of the whale because she has a great personality"

If it's that big a deal, take a few holidays. Meet some of these foreigners. What are you waiting for?

This post may irritate the fatties who will tell you that you should settle and explore each poor soul because they all have great hearts deep down. So do the hotties. An equal amount of soul and heart. They were just born with different bone structure. Get one of them and you've got the best of both worlds.

premierlass

Pavillion, the problem isn't that you are shallow, it is that you cannot identify with women. Even if you date only attractive women you won't be able to connect with them in any real way. I'd advise you to go where you will meet women in a way that allows you to get to know them as people. There are plenty of social activties that will allow you to do that, but clubs, pubs and dating sites only reinforce your problem.

Smyth wrote:

This post may irritate the fatties who will tell you that you should settle and explore each poor soul because they all have great hearts deep down. So do the hotties. An equal amount of soul and heart.

Which you deny and try to obliterate when you objectify them.

IrishEyes19

Cheryl Tweedy and Ashley Cole. Argubaly both very attractive people. Obviously something wrong there that has nothing to do with looks

See the picture. Now obviously attraction comes into relationships. But it should go hand in hand with personalities. You need to lower your expectations, OP, because if you are looking for the perfect woman. It's Hollywood you should relocate to.

As for your comments on finding women abroad attractive. thats all well and good, but as you said, you couldnt connect with them. Isnt that evidence enough that clearly personality plays a huge part in forming relationships.

baby and crumble

For me, I tend to become attracted to someone once I get to know them. I'm not saying that I don't fancy people straight off, of course I do. But sometimes getting to know someone for who they are helps you along and all of a sudden one day when they're laughing ("she's got such a lovely smile too- wait where did that come from?") and pushing her ("really long and sexy- what did I just think???") hair away from her ("gorgeous") face that you realise- "oh my god she's STUNNING. How did I not realise that before???"

Just saying.

Kanoe

Cali Mushy Timer wrote: »

I don't think it is a big sin to only want to be with good looking people. That said a lot of them are stuck up ar$eholes.

course they are.

Op, I'm equally shallow. I'm rarely motivated by Irish women, even subconsciously finding myself attracted to "Irish" girls who turn out to have come from some kind of foreign genepool. It's just what does it for me, I can't really put it into words and it does come across in their personality too. I'm not saying Irish girls aren't beautiful, I'm just very rarely attracted to them.
I do remember the first girl I crushed on was not of Irish descent so I've more than likely set my template from way back in my teens.

Eve_Dublin

I honestly think it's alright to have a type and you fancy what you fancy. One of the main reasons I moved to Spain was because I fancy hairy, dark men and most men here fit that description so I'd more options. If you like the exotic look, then fair enough. I'll be honest though, I met a lot of men since I got here and personality-wise, they did nothing for me so finding someone was more difficult than home. I click with Irish men easier personality-wise. Also don't forget OP, where there's good looking women, there's usually good looking men and they usually go for each other and are not looking for pasty face Irish people like us. That's what I found much to my annoyance. I might be considered decent looking at home but I've stiff competition here in Spain.

Anyway, almost 2 years later and I've found someone but the only reason why I'm going out with him and not someone else is because of his personality and the more time I spend with him, the better looking he becomes. In all honesty, in a country of good-looking people, good looks start to lose their value and their "pulling power" and they become two a penny. Looks are a given but like anywhere else, personality is what wins the day, at least for someone you plan to spend days on end with sometimes and maybe even share a future together.

I think physical attraction to a woman is important but then the girl should have a nice personality to go with it otherwise she may as well not be attractive.

55

give it a try with non locals.. either travel or socialise where foreigners usually go - if it doesnt work out, at least you will back to us with a bit of "local appreciation"

ps. stick to what you want, better than coming to her after a year or more with "I dont find you attractive".. it will be a killer for her

sunflower: As a professional man, whos in a brill relationship with non-local, I still believe that personality "thingie" does vary from a male and a female.. personality for me (and all male ppl i ever met in over twenty countries) is her bo***bs and bu***m :-) ~ no offense intended at all. Im more mature now, but because of my other half who made me change my mentality..

Distorted

pavilion29 wrote: »

My problem is, i'm too fixated on looks and i'm very picky.

I don't think its that shallow - phsyical attraction is the foundation of most relationships after all! And its far less shallow than simply being attracted to money - I find that really shallow. And I do know both men and women I suspect whose main attraction in their partner is money...

pavilion29 wrote: »

it seems no single irish women that i meet are good looking enough for me.

Now thats strange, because Ireland has many attractive women, and people from all over the world agree on it. Not all Irish women are attractive of course, but there are certainly plenty of them out there.

pavilion29 wrote: »

The attractive single irish girls i meet tend to be rude and highly conservative.

Pretty girls tend to have their pick of the guys and most want certain things, which you might describe as being conservative. ie not many want to be porn stars, for example, but quite a lot want to get married and have a husband who earns well and live in a nice house.

pavilion29 wrote: »

I've probably watched far too many movies and expect that sort of standard of looks in real life.

But many film stars considered great beauties emobody the Irish look, so it appears your attraction is more to foreigners. Again, plenty of Irish women are quite dark haired and so on, while others are blond or red haired and fair skinned, so you really have a huge range of physical types here. In fact, you will get pretty much the full range of beauties in Ireland typical of most of Northern Europe, albeit more representation of the Celtic type, so if you can't find a beauty in Ireland, I think you are looking for a different racial type entirely.

Along with your comment about conservatism, perhaps a woman from the far east, from a disadvantaged background, who would look up to you, is what you are after?

You also need to consider what you are offering. If you are not getting the right response from women in Ireland you do consider attractive and you think this is because they are "too conservative" (does this mean not interested perhaps?), does what you are offering yourself in terms of physical appearance and status and prospects match up with your criteria on looks?

pavilion29 wrote: »

When i go abroad i cannot get over how much more attractive the women are. Im not saying irish girls are ugly, but in looks they just don't do it for me.

As above. But you probably see a bigger selection of women when on holiday, not all of whom would be single/available.

pavilion29 wrote: »

I rarely meet new women around my friends too, as they are all very settled and just go out with their girlfriends. Maybe i just need to move abroad?

Plenty of men meet women from abroad online as well! It does seem that you need to expand your "search criteria" if its not working here. As before, pretty girls have their pick and of my friends, very few are single at 30, never mind the really pretty ones. They just get snapped up quickly. So you either go for younger women, divorced women or women who have split up with their partners, or women from overseas.

So assuming you are solvent and intelligent and in an interesting job, which I'm sorry to say is a bit of a pre-requisite for pulling a real looker, surely you travel around a bit with your job or work in a largish town or city where you will meet a range of young professional women (who tend to be fitter, slimmer and livelier than your local types) and students? If not and you live in a provincial town or small village, how are you going to attract a really good looking woman to that sort of environment, unless you are a really successful local businessman or professional?

pavilion29

pavilion29 wrote: »

im trying to meet women.

You're trying to meet foreign, Ireland-based, attractive, non-conservative, friendly, women, who despite their nationality will still have as much in common with you as Irish women.

That's one hell of an expectation to try to meet.

Should i just date women i meet that i have zero physical attractiveness for, or should i hang on in there?

Well no, you shouldn't date women you're not attracted to, that wouldn't be fair on you or them. Initial attraction, however, can be seriously changed after getting to know someone. So maybe rather than going out with ugly girls, you should just try to be more open minded about those you'd normally overlook, but not necessarily see as ugly.

Maybe i just need to move abroad?

If you were trying to find someone to settle down with and have a family with etc. then actually, yes. But you don't seem to have particularly serious intentions, or at least you haven't come across that way here. You seem to just want a perfect girl to have as a girlfriend. I doubt you'd do much better abroad with the same mindset you have here.

Unfortunately, if you're going to have such high expectations, you're going to have to be able to justify them, ie. you'll need to be extremely attractive, well groomed, not over groomed, wealthy, generous, charismatic, kind, humble yet confident, witty, smooth, fit, caring and despite being a different sex and nationality to the woman you like, still have lots in common with her. Sorry to be harsh but it's going to have to work both ways.