Getting the trust back

LegacyUser

Hey,

I need some advice on a situation I've found myself in. About 2 months ago I messed up and had a one night stand behind my girlfriends back. We've been together for a few years now. I felt absolutely terrible and told her about it the following day. She dumped me but we kept in contact and a few weeks ago she decided to give it another try.

I realise now that the one night stand was the biggest mistake I ever could have made. Shes a perfect girlfriend and more than I could ever want, that is more clear to me now than ever before.

The problem is that now, obviously, she doesnt trust me. I've done everything I can think of to work on this, like promising not to go out and get drunk with the lads for a few weeks. She says she doesnt expect me to stay in but she'd prefer if I didnt go out and get trolleyed. I feel like she still has her guard up around me, which I can understand after how much I've hurt her.

I was just looking for advice from anyone who has been through this before. She says I need to prove to her I can be trusted and that it will take a long time. I'm willing to do this I just don't know where to start.

How am I supposed to prove I can be trusted?? Can a relationship really get through this sort of thing or will she always have it in the back of her mind? Thanks

LegacyUser

it can work, but there's no guarantee it will. it's very hard to do. you both have to be willing to put in the time and effort, and know that anytime anything happens to make her suspicious, you will not so much be back to square one, but you'll be facing the issue of having to deal with those feelings all over again, which might be very frustrating for you, and very painful for her.

LegacyUser

thanks for your reply. Believe me I am willing to put in the time and effort I just don't know what kind of effort I need to put in. I love her to bits and want to put this behind us. People tell me it takes time to build back trust but I don't know what I can do to do that? Is it just something that either naturally comes back or does not come back?

I feel like I need to tell her where I'm going all the time and who I'm with, even though she doesnt ask me. I really don't know what to do. She thinks I don't respect her but shes honestly the most amazing girl in the world. I don't know why I did this.

Kevin Duffy

It's not up to you to decide what to do to get her trust back, it's up to her to decide what constitutes "proof" to her. What you have to do is simple enough, you don't betray her trust in any way ever again.

IrishEyes19

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

It's not up to you to decide what to do to get her trust back, it's up to her to decide what constitutes "proof" to her. What you have to do is simple enough, you don't betray her trust in any way ever again.

That's the best advice anyone could give. You have very little to do, other than staying on the straight and never cheating on her again. No big gestures like presents, and flowers, ect, are going to do that. Only time. And whether or not she can trust you again depends on both of you.

1) your promise not to ever cheat on her again
2) and whether she can go back to the level of trust again before you cheated.

And that's probably going to be the hardest one of all.

Good Advice

I've been cheated on again op and I'm serious don't be with her if your going to end up hurting her again! I eventually trusted him again after kissing two girls and I get fooled again! Don't break her heart a second time..

amdublin

Good Advice wrote: »

I've been cheated on again op and I'm serious don't be with her if your going to end up hurting her again! I eventually trusted him again after kissing two girls and I get fooled again! Don't break her heart a second time..

I think it is clear from the op's post this is not the circumstance. Quite the opposite.

booboo88

doidedoxygen wrote: »

Hey,

I need some advice on a situation I've found myself in. About 2 months ago I messed up and had a one night stand behind my girlfriends back. We've been together for a few years now. I felt absolutely terrible and told her about it the following day. She dumped me but we kept in contact and a few weeks ago she decided to give it another try.

I realise now that the one night stand was the biggest mistake I ever could have made. Shes a perfect girlfriend and more than I could ever want, that is more clear to me now than ever before.

The problem is that now, obviously, she doesnt trust me. I've done everything I can think of to work on this, like promising not to go out and get drunk with the lads for a few weeks. She says she doesnt expect me to stay in but she'd prefer if I didnt go out and get trolleyed. I feel like she still has her guard up around me, which I can understand after how much I've hurt her.

I was just looking for advice from anyone who has been through this before. She says I need to prove to her I can be trusted and that it will take a long time. I'm willing to do this I just don't know where to start.

How am I supposed to prove I can be trusted?? Can a relationship really get through this sort of thing or will she always have it in the back of her mind? Thanks

so let me get this straight, you had a random one night stand, when your relationship was otherwise good? and now you want her to trust you? it dont work like that love,
she'll probably never fully trust you

booboo88

doidedoxygen wrote: »

thanks for your reply. Believe me I am willing to put in the time and effort I just don't know what kind of effort I need to put in. I love her to bits and want to put this behind us. People tell me it takes time to build back trust but I don't know what I can do to do that? Is it just something that either naturally comes back or does not come back?

I feel like I need to tell her where I'm going all the time and who I'm with, even though she doesnt ask me. I really don't know what to do. She thinks I don't respect her but shes honestly the most amazing girl in the world. I don't know why I did this.

seriously????

LegacyUser

doidedoxygen wrote: »

thanks for your reply. Believe me I am willing to put in the time and effort I just don't know what kind of effort I need to put in. I love her to bits and want to put this behind us. People tell me it takes time to build back trust but I don't know what I can do to do that? Is it just something that either naturally comes back or does not come back?

I feel like I need to tell her where I'm going all the time and who I'm with, even though she doesnt ask me. I really don't know what to do. She thinks I don't respect her but shes honestly the most amazing girl in the world. I don't know why I did this.

i don't think it's natural, no. it doesn't happen without work. i don't know of anything you can do other than to acknowledge her fears, and reassure her whenever you sense any suspicion or fear at all. it will probably take years. there aren't any special actions you can take, other than checking in at times, or responding to her texts as soon as possible.

LegacyUser

booboo88 wrote: »

so let me get this straight, you had a random one night stand, when your relationship was otherwise good? and now you want her to trust you? it dont work like that love,
she'll probably never fully trust you

Well, I'm not going to get into the specifics but no everything was not otherwise good. I was going through a particularly low point in my life due to a number of factors and family issues. I think I just got into a 'fcuk everything' mindframe and self-destructed, not only my relationship but I exploded at workmates too. I know that that was the worst possible way to react to pressure but I can't change what happened.

This thread isnt about whether I'm worthy of her taking me back or whether I'll do it again (I won't). Its about asking for advice from anyone who has tried to get through this before, how they went about it and whether it worked. I don't want to lose her.

Thanks.