How much to tell a 10 year old re sex?

LegacyUser

I have a ten year old daughter (actually she's nearly eleven) who I can see is beginning to develop so I know I will have to have the whole periods chat with her very soon. I don't mind that because I want her to be prepared when it does happen so it won't be as frightening for her. The thing is I know once I open that can of worms she is going to want to know everything about how babies are made etc and I may be naive but I think she is so young and innocent to be thrown into that world yet!

Don't get me wrong, I think she should know the basics and I would never let her start secondary school without knowing everything but that's still another two years off. I know she will mature a lot in those two years but at the mo she is very innocent and sweet,god love her and I don't want to blow that too soon.

I thought a book would be the best way to go so I got one called "What's happening to me?" which seemed ideal as it dealt with periods and body changes and the like. But then when I read through it myself first I found that as well as describing how babies are made (ok) it mentioned orgasms and masturbation!! Eh,not ok for a ten year old I think! I'm not a prude by any means but I don't think she needs to know about those aspects for another few years,surely? So I ended up not giving her the book at all and now I'm back to square one because that was the only one I found in the shops.

How would you recommend I proceed with this? She's an inquisitive child so will ask questions. At the same time she still believes in Santa (well,could be playing us to squeeze one last year out of it!) and it just seems wrong then that she should know all the gory ins and outs (excuse the pun!)

Any advice welcomed.

titanium feather

How about if you hold onto the book for now, and instead just sit down with her and have a good chat about all of the changes that are happening to her body. Let her know that it's completely normal, and that it's just part of growing up. Read up well on everything beforehand so you'll be prepared for any questions, and make sure she knows she can talk to you about it whenever she wants to.

Whether you should talk about sex during this conversation - maybe you could take the lead from her? You could start by talking only about the changes happening within her body, and if it's all completely new to her it's quite possible that this information will be enough for her to digest at first. If, however, she has heard bits and pieces from her friends/TV/etc, she may ask you about it, and then you could discuss sex also. This may also arise if she asks about the changes that happen to boys during puberty. You might be best to just follow the natural flow of the conversation - if it's making her shy and awkward and embarrassed, don't overload her with information, but if she's curious and asking lots of questions, I think you should go into as much detail as she wants to know.

The concept of sex probably isn't altogether alien to her anyways - I mean, most kids will have seen cats or dogs or whatever at it. Let her know that it's just the way we procreate naturally. In my opinion, just for now, I wouldn't mention contraception (unless she asks about it) for another couple of years. For now, I think it would be easier for her to grasp the concept of sex for "procreation" rather than for "pleasure", if that makes sense. I mean, don't lie to her. But I think that, at her age, it might be easier for her to think of sex as something that mammies and daddies do, rather than something that she and her friends will probably be at in the not-all-too-distant future (sorry! :pac:)

I can understand why you mightn't be entirely comfortable talking about masturbation, especially when she's so young. What you could do is keep chatting to her every now and then about puberty etc over the next couple of years, and then give her the book when she's about 12-13 to "fill in the blanks" of anything you haven't told her yet. Do emphasise always that you're open to any discussions or questions about anything.

Good luck with it. Just make sure to talk to her at a time when you're both happy and relaxed, and when you have plenty of time. Hope it all goes well for you!

Justask

IMO the way to go is straight and to the point.

Im suprise she is not aware at 10 about periods? Maybe times have changed since i was that age but I had mine at 10.

I would sit her down and ask her what she knows cos you can count on it kids in the school yard talk... so she might know more then you think. But the problem is when kids talk they get it all mixed up. So you best of been as straight as possible.

The book you have is for her age im guessing? Maybe sit with her and go through it

Oh why do they have to grow up :rolleyes:

Moonbeam

She is 10 I reckon she knows a lot more then you are giving her credit for.
I remember having to pretend to my mother I didn't have a clue what she was on about when she was giving me "The Talk".
Sit down and have an open honest chat with her,buy her some sanitary towels to have in her drawer for when the times comes.

Most 10 year olds do not have their periods but some do.

metrovelvet

We had sex ed in school and at 9/10 were all told about periods, what to expect, what happens, and how to take care of yourself. At the time they just showed pads, and didnt talk about tampons, as they felt that should be left to the parents as some parents dont want their daughters using them.

We also read a lot of Judy Bloom books.

You dont even need to get into the sex talk yet, you can tell her you will explain it all in due time.

Do your best to treat it factually, delivering the information without transmitting your own nerves on the topic so that she feels comfortble and permission to be able to ask you questions. She will only ask you questions where there are answers she is able to hear herself. Its only biology. Its just our bodies, we all have them, and they all change.

However, this was not part of our sex ed, and I think it would be important for girls, in understanding and protecting the boundaries of their bodies, maybe in a year or two. Against peer pressure, etc to do things they may not want to. There was alot of it when I was growing up and its probably worse now, but the parents hadnt a clue so no one really got educated about this. Im sure there are books that can help you with this.

Youll be fine.

iguana

Embarrassedmammy wrote: »

But then when I read through it myself first I found that as well as describing how babies are made (ok) it mentioned orgasms and masturbation!! Eh,not ok for a ten year old I think! I'm not a prude by any means but I don't think she needs to know about those aspects for another few years,surely?

I hate to shatter your illusions but for all you know she has been masturbating for years. I never remember starting to masturbate but I have memories of masturbating myself to orgasm as a very, very young child. I'm talking before primary school age. I did it all the time when I was alone, pretty much every night. I had no idea what I was actually doing, all I knew was that it felt nice and helped me sleep at night. When I was older I started to worry that I was weird and doing something wrong, which was actually very upsetting. Learning about masturbation was an intense relief, as I finally knew what I had been doing and that I wasn't a weirdo.

As an adult I've looked into this and learned that a number of studies have been done on this subject. Girls can orgasm from as soon as the correct body parts develop and there is some evidence that some do so, even in the womb. By the age of 10, 10-16% of children masturbate regularly, so it's certainly not too early to talk to your daughter about it. It may even be a relief to her.

Trotter

I've taught 6th class for a while and often have had parents ask me about them having 'the chat' with Junior. It's nerve wrecking for parents.

Here's a programme that I would really recommend. It's from the Health Promotion Unit and it forms the basis for the information you or the school will need to pass on. It's called Busy Bodies.

http://www.healthpromotion.ie/health/inner/busy_bodies

There's a DVD and Booklet available. I'd recommend you sit down and watch the DVD, then read the booklet. When the time is right then watch the DVD with your child. All the guidelines should be there anyway. You might find it useful.

LadyMayBelle

I bought that book for my sister who is ten, and sent it home to my Mum to have a read as she was thinking the same as you, 'we need to have the chat!". In complete contrast to me at that age, she took in every word my Mum said as she read it aloud to her. Mum had folded over some pages, because didn't want to overwhelm her, and had hoped to do the book 'bit by bit'.
My sister wanted to know what happens if the egg didn't come out (she understood the period bit)...Mum said "errrr" and my sister replied " You know Mum it probably tells you in those folded over pages there"....


Kids know more than they might let on, I was delighted as for me, I was scared and unsure and blocked out the info so "it wouldn't happen to me", never had sex ed in primary and never did biology in secondary.. so you can imagine what a confusing adolescence I had!

Masturbation is natural ...I know in that book it encourages the girl to take some private time, grab a mirror, and have a look at their lady-bits , which might take people by surprise but I honestly think it's honest and realistic.

Good luck with the talk!

coats

I have a similar problem but my daughter is 7, nearly 8 and developing, have got the same book for her but am dreading sitting down with her. She is a really innocent child with aspergers syndrome thrown into the mix too. She hasn't mentioned anything about the changes in her body yet but I don't want to overwhelm her with info either as she doesn't handle change to well.

gcgirl

Honesty is the best option and tbe kids possible know more than we think !

Morag

coats wrote: »

I have a similar problem but my daughter is 7, nearly 8 and developing, have got the same book for her but am dreading sitting down with her. She is a really innocent child with aspergers syndrome thrown into the mix too. She hasn't mentioned anything about the changes in her body yet but I don't want to overwhelm her with info either as she doesn't handle change to well.

All the more reason to introduce the topic gradually.
I did this with mine by first focusing on plants.
How plants and trees grow and then they are ready they change a little and get flowers and make seeds. This time of year is good for that as the blossoms fall and the seed stems start to swell.

Sex ed, also know as the facts of life, if we just treat sex ed to be as normal and every day as gravity our kids will as well and that way it's not a big deal or a mystery.


If a child knows that seed grows into a tree, that a boy grows into a man, a girl into woman a tadpole into a frog then that just facts. Yes it can be werid when it starts happening to them but if they know it's normal then it can be very re assuring.

SheFiend

I'm in no way an expert on this, but I will say what I think here, because I feel it's worked well for me. I think the most important thing is to initiate casual dialogue with her, concerning periods and her sexual reproductive system. She needs to know about periods, but maybe use this opportunity to show (not tell) her it's ok to talk to you about her body, and new feelings, etc. You could do this by telling her how strange it was for you in adolescence. Then in future, seize opportunities to talk generally about adolescence. Not specifically directed at her, to allow her space; don't want the spot light on her. Opportunities present themselves in TV shows regularly. I think once a casual dialogue is in place, it will be easier for her to mention feelings (physical and mental) related to developing, and the "education" is much more natural. A book is a good idea to have available to her, but don't demand she reads it, it's best she reads it when she is looking for answers. Just remember, this is a big deal for you because of your worries. It is not a big deal for her, unless you make it one I think having "the big talk" is very isolating, sudden and strange for an innocent girl. This subject is one that modern mothers and daughters should ideally be able to talk about frequently.

I see Sharrow got there before me! +1

cbyrd

How about starting off with what's happening to her body and take it from there. While she may be starting to develop it might be another year before she gets a period. I wouldn't get embarrassed.. it's completely natural and the more embarrassed you seem the more of a big deal you seem to make of it.

I have 2 girls and the eldest is 12, she's had her periods now for about a year. I never hid my tampons and if she asked me about what they were for i gave her an age appropriate answer.. like.. at 5 she got' oh they're for mammy's tummy..' at 8 she got 'when you get older you need them cos your body works to make a baby but when there's no baby in your tummy the blood that would make the baby comes out... '

I wouldn't confuse with information she doesn't ask for. Once she knows she can ask you the questions and you're comfortable answering them she'll eventually come to you with other questions.
It's so important for your relationship that she feels she can discuss all these things with you.. if she sees how uncomfortable you are about this what would it be like at 15 when she wants to talk about something that may have you wanting to melt into the floor.

There's times when my girl asks me things and in my head i'm thinking oh sweet jesus.. but i don't let on and just give her the straightest answer i can, i want her talking to me .. not a friend who's information is sketchy.

In school when she went into 6th class we were asked to give permission for sex education. It was an outside company came in and they seperated the boys and girls and discussed it over 2 days. In 5th class they did the how the body changes (we also had to give permission for her to attend) it was a tamer version of the 6th class stuff..
Best of luck..

Chocolate fiend

I am surprised at people leaving it so long to have what then becomes "a talk" my 3 year old knows about periods and has a very basic understanding of how babies are made. When questions were asked I answered them in an age appropriate way. I am hoping that by doing this sex will never be a taboo subject in our house.

The Princess Bride

All the experts would say,to always answer every question asked- as honestly and simply as possible-don't over complicate it with information they don't actually need.
I started my periods at 10 and hadn't had the "talk" so thought I was dying when I got them.:o

With each of my daughters,I brought them out for the day for brunch,shopping, mother & daughter time leaving the buachaillí at home.
We had a nice chat about periods,sanitary wear etc...and in relation to sex;whatever was asked was answered. In fact,my youngest daughter asked some seriously intelligent questions that I would never ever have thought of in my life.They didn't get their periods until 2-3 years later, but it honestly has never been the big deal it seems to have been for other girls(moi included:o)
Roll on a few years and both girls are still able to talk to me about boyfriends,relationships,contraception,cervical ca vaccine etc..... we have a great relationship and are comfortable with our chats.
Oh, and yes, it scares the living daylights out of me- I'm a young mom,and don't feel old enough to have to be discussing all this with my babies!!!!!
However.I'm the adult here and cannot avoid the issue/brush it under the carpet or hand it over to the school/their friends to educate them.

ChloeElla

My parents gave me a book called "Let's Talk About Where Babies Come From" in sixth class & that explained everything for me. You need to tell her ASAP in case she gets her first period and hasn't a clue what's happening. Just explain basically how babies are made, and that every month she will get a period, which helps her have babies when she is older. My little sister is eleven and was in hospital recently with stomach problems, she was asked twice if she had gotten her period and she didn't ask what it was, so obviously they talk in playgrounds and stuff. Just make it into an accessible topic for your daughter so she doesn't feel embarrassed