19 year-old male with no confidence in himself

PurvesGrundy

Hi,

People may remember me posting here a while ago in relation to my struggle in getting a debs date due to my lack of confidence with women. Well, to put it quite simply, it isn't getting any better. I go to clubs regularly, encounter girls and haven't a clue how to communicate with ones that I like. I shrivel up and die inside whenever I even attempt to and in many cases in the past, this has resulted in girls who I knew once liked me being put off and who still think I am a weirdo today. As you can guess, this has resulted in me having never been in a proper relationship.

I am supposedly a very handsome guy looks wise and also have good height ( 6 ft 3"), so I don't think that this is contributing to the problem. To sound vain, I know of many girls who fancied me in the past and who I felt mutually about, but I have never been able to do anything about it. A night that will always stick out in my mind was with my year in school when we went on a mystery tour down to Westmeath and brought a few girls we knew with us. Out in the smoking area after we arrived, one girl in particlar who I quite fancied came up and asked me would I like to dance. We then went inside together and I then pathetically attempted to dance with her. Sooner before I knew it, she was covering her face with embarrassment and it turned out she obviously wanted to do more than just dance. I blew it, and to this day she is hostile with me whenever I meet her. It depressed me for weeks after.

Right now, I see myself as a guy with the image of a bit of a virgin; with none of my friends having ever seen me having an intimate moment with a girl, whether it is at a house party or a club. I have once been mocked as being the future 40 year old who has never had sex. I know I am still young, but I don't see the situation improving and would actually quite like a relationship in the near future, but it is something that holds barriers for me mentally that I can't seem to overcome.

karaokeman

Hi PurvesGrundy, yeah I remember you from last year:D.

First of all congrats on your previous fear over getting a debs date. I was very pleased that it worked out in the end, I still need to get around this myself.

So just remember that it seemed there was no way out when you looked for a debs date but you got through it. The same will happen here. I would say the fact you go to clubs regularly is a good start.

I don't go to clubs often myself and being the same age as you (19) I often ponder how I will get a girlfriend myself.

Do you have any particular interests like music or sports? Maybe start a conversation with a girl asking what bands she listens to, whether she saw the Kildare vs Dublin match or something like that. You will meet some girls with the same interests as you and others with different interests.

When you meet a girl you have lots in common with, she could be the one you will try and get to know. In a matter of time you may also realise you have more in common with her than what you once assumed.

Even if that girl just becomes a really close friend it will most certainly boost your confidence.

Good luck:)

lace

PurvesGrundy wrote: »

Hi,

Right now, I see myself as a guy with the image of a bit of a virgin; with none of my friends having ever seen me having an intimate moment with a girl, whether it is at a house party or a club.

Hi OP!

This is the part of the post that stuck out most for me. I think you may be looking for the wrong kind of thing in the wrong kind of place.

If you want a nice girl who you really like and are really into, maybe hooking up in a club isn't the best way to go about getting that? Clubs aren't really good places for striking up conversations or getting to know people and if the girl also really likes you she may be nervous with all your friends around. Kissing on nights out isn't for everyone.

Clubs might, however, be a good place for you to have fun and practice talking to ladies. A few drinks can calm the nerves on both sides and you're more likely to meet people you don't really know, who don't run in the same circles you do. This could help to take a little pressure off as they won't know who you are and you probably won't see them again.

You might find it helpful to practice talking to girls in clubs. They don't have to be girls you really really fancy (if you find these girls a little intimidating it may be better to start off with friends or regular girls) and you don't have to go for it with the aim of a kiss at the end. Just have the chat and the bit of craic.

As for the dancing - I know they say dance skills are the sign of a man who's good in bed but I don't think it's that big a deal for ladies (though maybe that's just the ladies I know). Most women care more about having fun. If you want to improve I'd suggest just watching people when you're out who you'd consider to be good at dancing and copy what they're doing! It works for me!

If you want a relationship and to find a girl you can have truly intimate moments with then maybe you could try joining some clubs/societies etc and getting to know girls in a environment where you can talk and get to know one another without any pressure. Try activities your friends aren't involved in so you won't have to worry about them watching you. Just give it time and eventually you'll find yourself a lovely lady Good Luck!

PurvesGrundy

lace wrote: »

If you want a nice girl who you really like and are really into, maybe hooking up in a club isn't the best way to go about getting that? Clubs aren't really good places for striking up conversations or getting to know people and if the girl also really likes you she may be nervous with all your friends around. Kissing on nights out isn't for everyone.

The thing is, there aren't very many other places I go these days where I get the chance to properly talk to women. Clubs I find are terrible social events and places where nobody is acting themselves. There used to be a lot of free gaffs back in 4th and 5th year and I remember being comfortable in my own skin at them. In my college course there are a few girls also, but they only seem interested in guys with big egos and who are 'Jack the lad's'.

I think my main problem is that I have relatively high standards myself and most of the women I am attracted to are relatively stuck-up. I occasionally feel confident enough to talk to them at night clubs, but am terrible for reading signals to tell if they are actually into me or not. I nearly always expect them to make the first move. One time I did tell a girl how I actually felt about her and the following Monday everyone in my year knew and started slagging me.