Please advise... is she a bridezilla? What can I do?

wosheen

I adore my closest friend, but she became engaged in April and now The Wedding is all she talks about. Constantly. Her wedding is set for October 2012, but within 2 weeks of getting engaged in April she had her invite list done, even table plans done... in June she found "the dress", last week she found the "dress for the day after".... she's picked her invites...

In a way i think it's cute, and I can only imagine how exciting it must be for her, but another side of me thinks she's way too caught up with it, it's still 15 months away!! We have many mutual friends who have told me they think it's way over the top, I've hinted at this to her and she took it badly and very personally. She said she's getting all the planning out of the way so she can just relax... but I know her so well, she's just a super organised girl and will tweak and plan til the last second.

Is it a bit over the top to be in super "planning" overdrive 15+ months before the wedding? If so, how can I break this to her, and help her relax a bit? If I'm wrong, which I'm happy to admit I might be, let me know!

Thanks :-)

Yup sounds like bridezilla.

And it doesn't end after the big day either, I'm afraid. For a long time after the wedding, she will maneouvre every conversation around to the nuptials.

Usually a sign that someone has no life imho. My cousin was a classic case.

SlimCi

I think as her "friend" you should sit back and let her enjoy it. This is going to be her day and no doubt before the big day she will have to
put up with all sorts of stresses and nonsense. She doesn't need that from her friends as well.

I was exactly the same as her, the excitement overtook me, but again I was always super organised. I did eventually calm down lol. If you want to keep your friend, say nothing. She's not doing any harm to anybody. Be happy for her.;)

Toto Wolfcastle

People who talk non-stop about their weddings are incredibly annoying. You have tried to talk to her and it did not work. The best thing you can do at this point is try to steer the conversation when she talks about the wedding for too long.

There is only so much that you can listen to and there is nothing wrong with that.

rainbowtrout

SlimCi wrote: »

I think as her "friend" you should sit back and let her enjoy it. This is going to be her day and no doubt before the big day she will have to
put up with all sorts of stresses and nonsense. She doesn't need that from her friends as well.

I was exactly the same as her, the excitement overtook me, but again I was always super organised. I did eventually calm down lol. If you want to keep your friend, say nothing. She's not doing any harm to anybody. Be happy for her.;)

I disagree, there's another 15 months to go before this wedding. The OPs head is already wrecked from the wedding talk. Should she have to listen to the details of it for the next 15 months, particularly if the bride to be is unwilling to talk about anything else?

PostHack

I think she is setting herself up for a big disappointment. I work in the wedding industry, and I see so many brides obsessing over every single detail. Then, when it comes to the day, they are totally stressed out, waiting to see will everyone notice and acknowledge every little thing that they have spent so much time on..... and generally they don't. At a recent wedding, the bride was pointing out all the little wedding favours, trinkets, flowers etc that she had spent ages on. No one noticed or cared, including the groom.

Brides get so caught up in trying to organise the perfect fairytale wedding that they often don't seem to enjoy the day themselves. There is no such thing as originality or individualism, especially for Catholic church weddings. The actual significance of the day gets lost along the way. Everyone I know can't stand weddings, but when it comes to their own it's a different story, and everyone has to go along with it (and be seen to enjoy it).

wosheen

Thanks for all the responses.
She is a sweet girl and I love her to bits, and she talks about her wedding so enthusiastically it's infectuous and I'm so happy for her, BUT - as i said before - she talks about it ALL the time. And it's 15 months away.
Last week she asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. I conceded, as I'm her bridesmaid and thought it would be a bit of fun anyway. Her other close friend couldn't come as she is pregnant and very sick (she has rough pregnancies). The girl getting married confided in me that she was SO disappointed in the other friend, that she couldn't just buck up and come along for the day, that she felt really let down...
At the bridal shops she told assistants that her wedding is in February next year - as, she said, they tell you it takes up to 6 months to get the dress and she wants it well in advance. Hanging in the closet for 8 months before the wedding?!
Bobblehead Panda, I'm taking your advice and just trying to steer the conversation away from "wedding" whenever possible. and PostHack I have a sneaking suspicion you may be right - she will be so concerned about the little details on the day she might not remember to just relax and enjoy herself!
She's already done up the programme for the church ceremony - including readings, music, wording.....
Wedding is Oct next year.....

tinkerbell

Oh dear .... that would actually drive me nuts. In fairness, if your friend is getting married, you like to have a bit of wedding chat with her but not ALL THE TIME. That is just too much.

Try to steer the conversation away from the wedding. Oh and your friend is in for some letdown afterwards when the wedding is over when she's got no wedding preparation to consume her entire life!

Heineken Helen

wosheen wrote: »

Thanks for all the responses.
She is a sweet girl and I love her to bits, and she talks about her wedding so enthusiastically it's infectuous and I'm so happy for her, BUT - as i said before - she talks about it ALL the time. And it's 15 months away.
Last week she asked me to go wedding dress shopping with her. I conceded, as I'm her bridesmaid and thought it would be a bit of fun anyway. Her other close friend couldn't come as she is pregnant and very sick (she has rough pregnancies). The girl getting married confided in me that she was SO disappointed in the other friend, that she couldn't just buck up and come along for the day, that she felt really let down...
At the bridal shops she told assistants that her wedding is in February next year - as, she said, they tell you it takes up to 6 months to get the dress and she wants it well in advance. Hanging in the closet for 8 months before the wedding?!
Bobblehead Panda, I'm taking your advice and just trying to steer the conversation away from "wedding" whenever possible. and PostHack I have a sneaking suspicion you may be right - she will be so concerned about the little details on the day she might not remember to just relax and enjoy herself!
She's already done up the programme for the church ceremony - including readings, music, wording.....
Wedding is Oct next year.....

Sorry but if she's getting married and you're bridesmaid, why are you trying to steer the conversation away from wedding wherever possible? You don't sound like you're being very supportive, no offense, especially when you say you 'conceded' and went dress shopping with her. Doesn't sound like she has family to do this stuff with her? So she's going to need her female friends. It's quite disappointing when you realise other people don't care about your wedding. I picked my dress about 13 months before the wedding... cos they actually recommend you do it a year before cos of alterations and stuff. Awww... I'm not trying to be rude but I feel quite sorry for your friend at the mo. This is happening a friend of mine right now too...she's getting married in November and all her bridesmaids care about is their dresses. Why don't people care about others anymore?

rainbowtrout

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Sorry but if she's getting married and you're bridesmaid, why are you trying to steer the conversation away from wedding wherever possible? You don't sound like you're being very supportive, no offense, especially when you say you 'conceded' and went dress shopping with her. Doesn't sound like she has family to do this stuff with her? So she's going to need her female friends. It's quite disappointing when you realise other people don't care about your wedding. I picked my dress about 13 months before the wedding... cos they actually recommend you do it a year before cos of alterations and stuff. Awww... I'm not trying to be rude but I feel quite sorry for your friend at the mo. This is happening a friend of mine right now too...she's getting married in November and all her bridesmaids care about is their dresses. Why don't people care about others anymore?

People do care about others, but when the bride to be can only talk about the wedding and absolutely nothing else, it grates and to be honest gets incredibly boring. The bride might think the minute details of her wedding might be the most interesting thing in the world but most other people really don't care. And if they keep swinging conversations back around to their wedding and not taking an interest in anything or anyone else, well it's a little self centred, and they have to remember it might be the most important day in their lives but it's not the most important day for anyone else, people who have other stuff to worry about besides this wedding.

OS119

rainbowtrout wrote: »

...they have to remember it might be the most important day in their lives but it's not the most important day for anyone else, people who have other stuff to worry about besides this wedding.

indeed, for the vast majority of the guests, including the Bridal Party, the wedding will barely be the most important event of that week, let alone a subject for fevered, constant conversation for 18 months beforehand...

OP, i know the woman is excited, and she's your mate so you want to cover for her, but something you wrote leapt out me - one of her best mates was hunched over the toilet for the 784th time in the last few months, she probably can't remember finishing a meal, and she now believes the world smells of sick.

your friends reaction was to suggest that she 'man up' and trapse around the town to try a dress on that obviously won't fit her on the day, and for an event that almost certainly registers a big fat zero on her 'giveafcukometer', given her pregnancy.

inane, vaccuous wittering aside, are really sure you want to be friends with this person?

Heineken Helen

rainbowtrout wrote: »

People do care about others, but when the bride to be can only talk about the wedding and absolutely nothing else, it grates and to be honest gets incredibly boring. The bride might think the minute details of her wedding might be the most interesting thing in the world but most other people really don't care. And if they keep swinging conversations back around to their wedding and not taking an interest in anything or anyone else, well it's a little self centred, and they have to remember it might be the most important day in their lives but it's not the most important day for anyone else, people who have other stuff to worry about besides this wedding.

Doesn't that happen most people when they get engaged though? Weddings are exciting things and I've been seriously excited for friends in the past, cos that's also what you're supposed to do. The OP doesn't make it sound like the bride is self centred though.

Toto Wolfcastle

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Doesn't that happen most people when they get engaged though?

If it does then I genuinely despair. There are probably plenty of people out there who want to talk non-stop about their wedding. I can guarantee you though that there are more people out there who don't really need to hear every detail. You expect a certain amount of wedding talk, but if someone was talking to me about their wedding non-stop I'd be utterly annoyed.

tinkerbell

^^ This. Just because it's the most important day in the bride's life, doesn't mean that it has to be the most important day in their bridesmaid's life either.

And anybody who talks nonstop about one subject will drive anyone insane, e.g. somebody talking about nothing but their wedding, or their boyfriend, or their children, and won't tolerate talking about any other subject. And besides, it's the marriage that is important - when you saw your vows, not the whole wedding brigade. So really, why would anyone else be that excited to talk nonstop about your wedding? Yeah it might be all the bride wants to talk about, but in fairness if a bride is talking nonstop wedding all day long, then she needs to get a life and get over herself!

rainbowtrout

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Doesn't that happen most people when they get engaged though? Weddings are exciting things and I've been seriously excited for friends in the past, cos that's also what you're supposed to do. The OP doesn't make it sound like the bride is self centred though.

No, I'm excited for my friends but really i don't give a shit if the wedding invites match the flowers or what favours are on the tables or whatever. That stuff wouldn't even register with me on the day, it's hardly going to catch my interest 15 months in advance. As far as I'm concerned if you tell me the colour of your wedding party and all related items is pink, that's all I need to know. I'm interested in my friends getting married and when they were planning their weddings I'd ask them how it was going, but I don't expect it to be the only thing they can talk about for at least a year. I'm lucky in that most of my friends aren't like that, they booked stuff and got on with it. Choosing the menu didn't require two months of discussions with everyone they knew. One of my friends asked me to come to a dress fitting with her, her bridesmaids live at the other end of the country. I'm not the type to be jumping up and down on the spot and gushing and going 'OMG! you look amazing, you're going to be so beautiful on your wedding day, i've never seen such a beautiful dress' She knew bringing me that my opinion would be given in a sedate and matter of fact way. I got given out to by the woman working in the bridal shop for my perceived lack of enthusiasm, because i wasn't falling over myself to screech and squeal about the dress.

Heineken Helen

tinkerbell wrote: »

^^ This. Just because it's the most important day in the bride's life, doesn't mean that it has to be the most important day in their bridesmaid's life either.

And anybody who talks nonstop about one subject will drive anyone insane, e.g. somebody talking about nothing but their wedding, or their boyfriend, or their children, and won't tolerate talking about any other subject. And besides, it's the marriage that is important - when you saw your vows, not the whole wedding brigade. So really, why would anyone else be that excited to talk nonstop about your wedding? Yeah it might be all the bride wants to talk about, but in fairness if a bride is talking nonstop wedding all day long, then she needs to get a life and get over herself!

Swings both ways though . I'm only defending the bride cos she ain't here to do it herself. Sounds like she might be pretty lonely right now if she's that much time and effort to put in and is pleading with her bridesmaids to come dress shopping with her

It's the same when people get pregnant, all they can talk about is pregnancy. When they have the kid, all they can talk about is kids. You all say you wouldn't do it and I'd like to think I don't do it too... but chances are we all do it! Seriously, it must be great being perfect!:D

rainbowtrout

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Swings both ways though . I'm only defending the bride cos she ain't here to do it herself. Sounds like she might be pretty lonely right now if she's that much time and effort to put in and is pleading with her bridesmaids to come dress shopping with her

It's the same when people get pregnant, all they can talk about is pregnancy. When they have the kid, all they can talk about is kids. You all say you wouldn't do it and I'd like to think I don't do it too... but chances are we all do it! Seriously, it must be great being perfect!:D

I think those are the same people who can only talk about their wedding. Again have a couple of friends who are pregnant, I might ask how's the bump, they'll tell me if they are sick, tired, had a scan and we move onto the next topic of conversation

Heineken Helen

rainbowtrout wrote: »

No, I'm excited for my friends but really i don't give a shit if the wedding invites match the flowers or what favours are on the tables or whatever. That stuff wouldn't even register with me on the day, it's hardly going to catch my interest 15 months in advance. As far as I'm concerned if you tell me the colour of your wedding party and all related items is pink, that's all I need to know. I'm interested in my friends getting married and when they were planning their weddings I'd ask them how it was going, but I don't expect it to be the only thing they can talk about for at least a year. I'm lucky in that most of my friends aren't like that, they booked stuff and got on with it. Choosing the menu didn't require two months of discussions with everyone they knew. One of my friends asked me to come to a dress fitting with her, her bridesmaids live at the other end of the country. I'm not the type to be jumping up and down on the spot and gushing and going 'OMG! you look amazing, you're going to be so beautiful on your wedding day, i've never seen such a beautiful dress' She knew bringing me that my opinion would be given in a sedate and matter of fact way. I got given out to by the woman working in the bridal shop for my perceived lack of enthusiasm, because i wasn't falling over myself to screech and squeal about the dress.

Wow, I'm sorry but that's really sad . I'm not a girly girl by any means but if somebody asked me to go wedding dress shopping with them cos their close friends couldn't make it, I'd be really chuffed and I'd go out of my way to make it special for her . I'd to bring a girl from work to some of my fittings and she was actually honoured that I asked her and, bless her, she made such a big deal out of it, it was lovely! She really made it so enjoyable

tinkerbell

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Swings both ways though . I'm only defending the bride cos she ain't here to do it herself. Sounds like she might be pretty lonely right now if she's that much time and effort to put in and is pleading with her bridesmaids to come dress shopping with her

It's the same when people get pregnant, all they can talk about is pregnancy. When they have the kid, all they can talk about is kids. You all say you wouldn't do it and I'd like to think I don't do it too... but chances are we all do it! Seriously, it must be great being perfect!:D

I ain't perfect but I don't go around talking non-stop about the one subject all the time. And my friends who are engaged / pregnant / have had babies, don't talk nonstop about those things either, they talk about lots of things. And if someone is pregnant or have kids or is engaged and that's all they can talk about, well ... they need to get a life and realise that if you want friends, you can't be talking about the one thing the whole time.

And regarding the bride - she's being a total bridezilla. She's trying to force a girl to go who is going through morning sickness and all that. That poor girl no doubt doesn't give too hoots about her stupid bridesmaid's dress right now because she's feeling so sick and all her supposed "friend" who is the bride can think about is her wedding.

That girl should be telling the bride to go shove her bridesmaid's dress and ask someone else to do it if she's that selfish that she thinks a girl should make a bigger effort and go shopping for boring ugly bridesmaids dresses when she's throwing up all the time.

Toto Wolfcastle

It's shopping for a dress, it's not like she was invited to be present at the birth of her child.

rainbowtrout

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Wow, I'm sorry but that's really sad . I'm not a girly girl by any means but if somebody asked me to go wedding dress shopping with them cos their close friends couldn't make it, I'd be really chuffed and I'd go out of my way to make it special for her . I'd to bring a girl from work to some of my fittings and she was actually honoured that I asked her and, bless her, she made such a big deal out of it, it was lovely! She really made it so enjoyable

Ya, but the difference here is that she's friends with me because we get on, she knows what i'm like and wouldn't expect that from me, to be honest if she saw me acting like that she be asking what exactly was i doing and to cop on and stop being so fake. She had already bought the dress, this was a fitting for alterations, matching shoes, jewellery etc. She knows me well enough to know that if I say that the dress fits her really well and suits her figure and the necklace she brought with her matches nicely, she knows i'm being genuine and I mean it. That would mean more to her. She wasn't looking on a fitting as a big life changing ordeal. At the end of the day, it was just trying on a piece of clothing to make sure it fitted properly. She didn't see it as a big deal so why should I?

Heineken Helen

tinkerbell wrote: »

I ain't perfect but I don't go around talking non-stop about the one subject all the time. And my friends who are engaged / pregnant / have had babies, don't talk nonstop about those things either, they talk about lots of things. And if someone is pregnant or have kids or is engaged and that's all they can talk about, well ... they need to get a life and realise that if you want friends, you can't be talking about the one thing the whole time.

And regarding the bride - she's being a total bridezilla. She's trying to force a girl to go who is going through morning sickness and all that. That poor girl no doubt doesn't give too hoots about her stupid bridesmaid's dress right now because she's feeling so sick and all her supposed "friend" who is the bride can think about is her wedding.

That girl should be telling the bride to go shove her bridesmaid's dress and ask someone else to do it if she's that selfish that she thinks a girl should make a bigger effort and go shopping for boring ugly bridesmaids dresses when she's throwing up all the time.

OP said the other bridesmaid 'always has rough pregnancies' so it's possible she just goes on about being pregnant and never has time for anyone else anyway. Her friend has probably listened and talked about this girls pregnancies for years. Maybe turned up to all the kids birthdays and all that comes with having kids?

And maybe she doesn't have a life... maybe that's the point! Sounds like she has a tough time getting her friends out for a start!

Heineken Helen

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Ya, but the difference here is that she's friends with me because we get on, she knows what i'm like and wouldn't expect that from me, to be honest if she saw me acting like that she be asking what exactly was i doing and to cop on and stop being so fake. She had already bought the dress, this was a fitting for alterations, matching shoes, jewellery etc. She knows me well enough to know that if I say that the dress fits her really well and suits her figure and the necklace she brought with her matches nicely, she knows i'm being genuine and I mean it. That would mean more to her. She wasn't looking on a fitting as a big life changing ordeal. At the end of the day, it was just trying on a piece of clothing to make sure it fitted properly. She didn't see it as a big deal so why should I?

Well if that's how you both are, well that's fair enough. But not everyone's like that. Most women would like a big deal to be made of finding their wedding dress. The op made it sound like she was doing a massive favour by going with her - so I'm thinking maybe this 'annoyance' really is going both ways.

John Mason

Heineken Helen wrote: »

Wow, I'm sorry but that's really sad . I'm not a girly girl by any means but if somebody asked me to go wedding dress shopping with them cos their close friends couldn't make it, I'd be really chuffed and I'd go out of my way to make it special for her . I'd to bring a girl from work to some of my fittings and she was actually honoured that I asked her and, bless her, she made such a big deal out of it, it was lovely! She really made it so enjoyable

Not everyone is in that kind of thing.

if someone asked me to go wedding dress shopping with them i would say no - i really cant think of a worse way to spend a day. that is one whole day i am not getting back.

think i will just order my dress online and pray it fits because the thoughts of wedding dress shopping fills me with dread.

wedding and baby bores are horrendous and personally, if one of my friends turned into them i would be avoiding them.

It's one day for FFS, the marriage is more important then the day

denhaagenite

I'm sorry, but does being excited about her wedding make her a bridezilla? So what if she's going to look at dresses a year and a half before the wedding, I didn't have a clue what I was "supposed" to do and went for the first time about 2 years before the wedding. I went to three different shops in total, in three different cities so was I a bridezilla??

The attire on the day is really the only thing you have to participate in choosing, the rest is done by hotel/ bride/ groom so stop moaning. You're lucky actually, was speaking to a cousin from the US at the weekend and she was a bridesmaid for a friend in France last month. Herself and the other bridesmaid had to organise everything on the day, from catering to timing to band to decoration. This is apparently standard in the US, as the hotels etc aren't the one stop shop that we have in Ireland so if you can't afford a wedding planner it's tough sh*t.

Get over it and share her happiness and excitement or kindly let her know that you're not interested.

Heineken Helen

denhaagenite wrote: »

I'm sorry, but does being excited about her wedding make her a bridezilla? So what if she's going to look at dresses a year and a half before the wedding, I didn't have a clue what I was "supposed" to do and went for the first time about 2 years before the wedding. I went to three different shops in total, in three different cities so was I a bridezilla??

The attire on the day is really the only thing you have to participate in choosing, the rest is done by hotel/ bride/ groom so stop moaning. You're lucky actually, was speaking to a cousin from the US at the weekend and she was a bridesmaid for a friend in France last month. Herself and the other bridesmaid had to organise everything on the day, from catering to timing to band to decoration. This is apparently standard in the US, as the hotels etc aren't the one stop shop that we have in Ireland so if you can't afford a wedding planner it's tough sh*t.

Get over it and share her happiness and excitement or kindly let her know that you're not interested.

Agreed If you don't want to do the traditional bridesmaid 'duties' maybe even step down. Why did you agree when asked?

My friend has just asked me to be bridesmaid (this makes me bridesmaid for two weddings in November). Now SHE is one serious bridezilla . She's given me a list of duties... talking about 'sacking' one of the other bridesmaids... told us how it is our 'job' to do the hen party. I find the whole thing hilarious though. I see my 'duty' to keep her calm and as stress free as possible so I've turned her ordering us around on it's head and I've given HER a list of duties . However, I'm able to recognise that she's behaving like this cos she's upset with people and realised that people don't care as much as she'd imagined they would. Her dad died last year and that's also weighing heavily on her mind... and they have money issues. I will 'let' her be in control to a certain extent as I know she will go back to her normal wonderful self once all this stress is over with. It means so much to her too and she will always remember how supportive I was. One of the other bridesmaids has had her dress for two months and hasn't even tried it on yet . I just don't know why people agree to these things if they're not willing to make any effort... don't even get me started on godparents :eek:

janes1234

Stheno wrote:

Now I know that the couple involved only decided to get married a couple of months ago, but surely it's downright unreasonable to send invites so late?

monday monday wrote:

getting married at the end of September and have decided to just have a small family affair. but we would like to go out for a meal maybe and a few drinks with our friend and some extended family a few weeks after the wedding just as a little celebration. nothing major really, just a night out. about 35 people in total. the thing is..will we be expected to pay for the meal? I cant really afford to bring 35 people out for dinner hence the small family wedding. what you guys think?

[quote=Heineken He It's quite disappointing when you realise other people don't care about your wedding.

Lol...are you serious? Nobody cares about other ppls weddings. Fact.

BobPresto

Then why are you replying to a 4 year old thread..... about someone else's wedding:eek:

logically

Ah, for feck sake. There was me popping in to see had the marriage broken open and hoping it proved once and for all that bridezillas don't make good marriage material. Dagnabbit.

Toots

janes1234 please don't resurrect years-old threads. Also please make sure that you read the charter for the forum before posting further.