Too awkward in conversations

LegacyUser

I've always been a shy person and never been very good dealing with people, even when I was very little, but these days it's really starting to worry me that I'm never going to get past my social awkwardness, and it's starting to really, really bother me. I'm a 21 year old girl, have just finished college and while I did make some close friends there, I never had a very active social life there. I really struck lucky in that a few friends of a friend were the kind of people who involve everybody and really made an effort to get to know me. Thing is, most people aren't that patient, and I'm really starting to see that now that I've moved to the UK, where I don't know anyone and I feel like I keep shooting myself in the foot every time I open my mouth.

I saved up a lot of money working last year so that I could do an internship in London for the 'dream' career. Six weeks on, it's really interesting work, the people are very sound and great craic (at least with each other!), but I'm so intimidated that I feel really stupid and out of place. For the first few weeks I found myself worrying about what I was going to say so much that I barely said anything at all - or if I did, it always sort of fell flat. This isn't just because of the new environment though, because I have this problem constantly. My main problem is that I have such trouble building rapport with people - I mean, I honestly think I'm a nice person to meet and I've been told that I'm always friendly and smiling, but beyond the first meeting I become so awkward and nervous that most people I meet end up not responding well to me at all. At some stage it's started to get to the point where I really can't bear talking to new people because I can't think of a single thing to say. And problem is, I do know what to say - about ten minutes after the conversation is over!!

Part of it is because I'm absolutely awful at thinking quickly on my feet; I'd like to think I'm a pretty intelligent person and I do know the difference between an interesting conversation or a boring one, but it's like there's no connection between my mouth and my brain... it absolutely runs away with itself once I'm faced with an unexpected question or comment. You can imagine what I'm like in an interview - absolutely mortifying! Anyway, I know this problem sounds sort of silly, but it's actually really getting me down, and I feel like it's affecting a lot of my life - I feel very out of place in most social interactions, I want to be able to get along with co-workers and not be the one who just listens and nods - and (of course, I want to be able to get a job in the first place, which involves being interviewed). Most of all though, I just want to be able to make friends, make small talk and just generally be an easy person to talk to, which I know I'm not at the moment. My sister has told me in the past that I'm just young and I'll grow out of it, but I really can't see that happening unless something actually changes, i.e. me.

Is there anything I can do about this? Is this just something your personality is wired for? I don't know how to change, because every time I think 'ah feck it' and decide to throw myself in the deep end, I always end up feeling the same: lonely, miserable and shy. Just would love some helpful tips on how to think clearly when I'm in a conversation and not end up saying something silly just for the sake of saying something! Or just even to know if anyone else has been in the same situation and whether you found you could do something about it to help. Thanks.

LegacyUser

I could have written that post myself - I have always been like that, people actually think I'm nice, but cant have a conversation and therefore build relationships and enjoy myself with people. It does get better though.

I was especially bad up to about 6 months ago (I'm nearly 26 now). I think that with age, you grow in experience and generally feel less awkward about things. I tend to care less now about what other people think of me (which I believe the social awkwardness stems from to be honest) and just FORCE myself into conversations. And the more often you do that, the easier it gets cause u get more used to it. Just try and believe in yourself a little more, take pride in your appearnce (this gives you confidence), make a nice comment about the other person, make small chit chat about little things like weather, your surroundings etc., ask the other person questions about themselves to gain some common ground. I also find it's easier chatting to guys than girls, girls can sometimes be very intimidating and there's more pressure to chat chat chat with girls than it is with guys. And guys sometimes put me at more ease.

But just keep working on it and from my experience, it does get easier. Best of luck with it

CrazyRabbit

It's like a self-fulfilling prophecy...the more you worry about being socially awkward, the more socially awkward you actually become.

When you stop worrying about what other people think of you, you'll find yourself more at ease socially, and you'll naturally do better. I used to be the most quietest & socially awkward person you could ever meet....until I stopped caring about it.

Also, try find topics of common interests. Listen for the cues that tell you what the people around you are interested in. Then try to brush up your knowledge in that area. And similarly, try to let others know what your interests are. It so much easier to talk when both sides know each other's interests, or even better, share the same interests.

And I used the word 'interests' way too often in that paragraph.