A single mother and dating ... ??

greengirl31

I'm just interested on other's opinions here ...
I'm a 34 year old single mother, and I've been give the internet dating thing a whirl for the last few months with very limited success. I have a job and am financially independent (when I say that I mean I can pay the bills - not that I'm loaded) I don't think I'm a supermodel but I'm not unattractive, I'm not the party animal I was 10 years ago but I'd like to think I can knock out a good aul time when I let my hair down. I'm relatively straightforward in that I don't (or try not to) do mind games yet when I mail men on the site I don't get replies.
Now I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea so that's fair enough but the other night I sent off about 7 or 8 mails (And it's so hard to do more than "hi, How are you ?" - you want them to think you've actually read their profile) and while they all checked out my profile, no one wrote back !! (I'm reading this back and it sounds a tad desperate but I'm looking at as market research !!)
Anyway, I suppose my question is, if a woman is a single mother does that make her less attractive (subconsciously or not) to Men. Am I paranoid thinking that once a guy sees the "children" box ticked that they zone out?? or is it just a case that I need to work on my profile ??:P

tallaghtmick

Im a single father myself and would prefer a woman witha child as she would know what im going through and that a child will always be number 1,As you said it was a dating site maybe these guys have not logged on yet?like you said you aren't unnatractive so keep trying

Trod

Hey ...My sister is the same age as you and she is a single mother has a young daughter of ten.She like you is financially stable has her own house and is independent.She joined a dating website and had an absolute ball meeting new men nearly every weekend.I am not to sure wether she ticked the box to say she has children or not.Most of the men she dated knew she had a child and where not bothered by this in the slightest.They seemed to be more bothered and afraid of how independent she is. I think some men see a women with children as a problem.Not all men but some do.They want all the attention and to be number one and I think it is the same with single fathers some woman do not want to date a men with children as they to dont want to compete for attention....It really depends on who the guy is how mature he is and what it is he is looking for .Hope this helps xoxoxo.....Smooch.com is a good website

LegacyUser

As a male currently using dating sites, the second I see the 'children' box ticked, I leave her profile. It's not for me. I don't want the dramas of taking on someone else's children, or having an ex in the woman's life. I don't want to be rude and list the range of reasons I have issues with it, but I know several friends who feel exactly the same. I think your best bet is to find a man who also has kids.

Virgil°

It does'nt make you as a person less attractive. However a lot of men will see the child thing as baggage. Sorry to say that so bluntly. I'm sure your child is great and the love of your life. To many guys though it creates issues from the get go that they can simply avoid by going out with someone else.
Not being number one in a relationship, complications with the biological father(this can be big, you don't mention it though so im gonna assume its not a problem),the possibilty that their new OH isn't open to more children(i've seen this in many threads here Click me) and so on.
Does all of this mean that either you or guys who won't go out with you are in the wrong? No
Does it mean that you won't find a decent bloke? Of course not.

In summary there are guys out there who it'll bother and guys who it won't. Just be realistic and honest and i'm sure you'll find someone who clicks.
Happy hunting.

Whynotme

If they are checking your profile and not responding, maybe it needs a bit of work. Your blurb says a lot about who you are so wording it is important. Maybe get a friend to look over it and see if they can spot whats out of sync. Or get them to write it for you! Play around with it either way, shorten or lengthen it, put a bit of 'you' into it. Have done this many times and seem to finally have hit the jackpot. Don't lose heart, your other half is waiting for you!

Kevin Duffy

I suggest you check out the online dating threads in TLL and TGC, both full of helpful stuff and helpful people.

I'm a single, childless man in your demographic; the child would not be an issue for me. It affects logistics, but nothing more than that generally. I know I'm not the only man who feels that way. We may not be the majority, but we exist

What would be offputting is a one-liner, generic email on a dating website, it's just hard to know what to say back and doesn't suggest the mail is about me, just makes me one of a number. If there's enough in a profile to interest you, there should be enough to personalise the mail.

Best of luck.

johnr1

+ 1 to Kevin Duffys post.
However I can see where you're coming from, I've tried online dating, with very limited success, (plenty success in real life) - For me I blame being honest about being separated.
Online dating allows people to immediately screen out anyone with obvious "imperfections" for want of a better word. If you met these guys in real life, plenty of them would approach you, and would be getting to know how wonderful you are before you reveal that you have a child, and at that point most would'nt have any problem whatsoever with it. The thing is that as I said, online dating provides hundreds of people in your area/demographic to message, and most people will just chase the simplest options.

qwerty13

johnr1 wrote: »

Online dating allows people to immediately screen out anyone with obvious "imperfections" for want of a better word.

Very good point! However, for me personally, a child would be a deal-breaker; I'm very definite on not wanting children, so it just wouldn't fly for me. But separated/divorced wouldn't be a problem. I guess different people have different things that are 'ok' or 'not ok' for them, and you have not control over that - so all I can say is to look at what you do have control over, i.e. look at how your profile reads - and how your responses read - to potential dates; it just sounds as though they are both a bit on the short and factual side, so perhaps the 'stand out' feature of your profile is that you have a child? Maybe I'm over-thinking that angle 'cos kids just aren't for me - but definitely worth getting a good friend to look over your profile for you.

I hope it works out and that you start getting lots of fun dates soon!

metrovelvet

It might be something in your approach or presentation.

Ive never used a dating site but I know a couple of single moms who do and some other people in some very odd circumstances, much odder than having a child alone, and they have had active dating lives through them.

Believe me single motherhood doesnt even make the freak list anymore.

And be careful.

greengirl31

Hey all ...
Thanks for all your replies - given me some stuff to think about!!
Like I said, I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine but I suppose on top of that, If someone is put off by the fact that I have a child well they may not be the one for me anyway !! I'm a woman first, then a mother.
I think my profile is ok in that it doesn't read like a CV but I will look at it again and tweak it a bit ..... I'm don't know if I'm brave enough to let my best friend write it but Maybe I'll let her do a draft ...
I'll press on though cause I'm not ready for the "shelf" just yet. :rolleyes:

tallaghtmick

greengirl31 wrote: »

Hey all ...
Thanks for all your replies - given me some stuff to think about!!
Like I said, I get that I'm not everyone's cup of tea and that's fine but I suppose on top of that, If someone is put off by the fact that I have a child well they may not be the one for me anyway !! I'm a woman first, then a mother.
I think my profile is ok in that it doesn't read like a CV but I will look at it again and tweak it a bit ..... I'm don't know if I'm brave enough to let my best friend write it but Maybe I'll let her do a draft ...
I'll press on though cause I'm not ready for the "shelf" just yet. :rolleyes:

Prob against the rules here but you could link it and we can give advice......ye know because we are all super popular people :pac:

LegacyUser

as someone said before i think its worth having a look at your dating profile blurb to see how it looks from the outside...ie does it seem to keep saying 'my kid is number one and everything else is'nt important' or 'you have to fit into my lifestyle or no deal' which can come across to some guys as a person who can't compromise and sees you as too much hassle or perhaps bitter about men......most men with a brain would/should know the priorities a single mum would have before looking for a date...

greengirl31

I can't get onto the site I'm on at the moment so I can't link it or even copy and paste it. I don't make any reference to the fact I have a child in my profile other than I've ticked the box. I list my hobbies which would be comedy, music, movies, reading and a little yoga. That I love to get out socialising and like spending time with friends and family. I say that I'm a straightforward gal looking for someone to have a bit of a laugh with and take it from there. I don't say that I love to travel and am dying to visit the south American Jungle or something like that cause lets face it - it's not going to happen with a 3 year old !! It's the simple things in life that make me tick.
I don't have any issues with the Ex cause he's not around at all so there's no access issues and I have family around so babysitters are rarely, if ever a problem - This isn't in the profile either. I don't think it screams "Daddy wanted" !!!!!

Kevin Duffy

greengirl31 wrote: »

I can't get onto the site I'm on at the moment so I can't link it or even copy and paste it.

Maybe not a great idea to do it on-thread anyway. The Ladies Lounge and Gentlemans Club Forums threads are full of people with advice. Scan them, join in and you might find the right person to have a look at it, then send them the link by PM.