Afraid of Conflict and Confrontation

LegacyUser

Hi all,

I hope someone might have some practical advice that could help me.

I grew up in a home that was very dysfunctional -- parents moods were taken out on you, you might get a slap for something trivial and not for something serious. Basically a tumultuous place. To add to that I was bullied severely at school and by siblings, both verbally and very violently physically. To top all that off, I was sexually abused.

While I've been to a load of counselling and have sorted myself mostly out, I have a crazy fear of confronting anyone who is taking the mick. I know myself this is because when I was young I went to great lengths to be never incur anyone's anger and always wanted to be seen as nice. I became very meek and non-confrontational and tried to be liked by everyone.

When it comes to asserting myself now, I get nervous, slightly sick feeling and panicked. This, as you can imagine, is not a great situation to be in as it gives people licence to walk all over you. I know it's not a normal state to be in and rationally, I know that confrontation isn't always a bad thing but I can't stop the rabbit-in-the-headlights "fight or flight" response from kicking in.

Has anyone experienced and overcome the same? Is there anything you would recommend to sort it? It's knocking my new-found confidence. I'm petrified that if I don't fix this now, I'll slip back to a bad place where people trod all over me.

Thanks in advance for any advice you can give me.

username123

Hi OP,
I also grew up in a dysfunctional home where conflict resolution had 2 modes, either very aggressively shout, scream and become violent or just cut the person from your life. I had to work on myself to learn proper (or at least healthier) conflict resolution techniques as I grew older.

What I found helped me was in situations in say shops or work - where there isnt an emotional attachment - to remove myself from the situation and attempt resolution via letter or email, or face to face after the initial situation had calmed down. So if my boss did something out of order Id leave it til the next day and then calmly address it. If a shop or business was treating me shabbily Id email or write a letter of complaint.

Much harder to deal with personal conflicts with friends or family. Again the best method Ive found to is try and walk away initially when emotions are running high and then to try to address it when calmer. I have found that simply being able to articulate why you are upset helps, maybe write it down or talk it out with someone unconnected so that you can go back to the person involved and say to them 'look, i am upset because you said such and such to me and I feel that this was an unacceptable/unfair thing to say. I realise you were upset when you said it but I would like you to apologise/make amends etc...'.

Try to get into the habit of addressing the behaviour not the person, so its not that someone was a pr1ck or a b1tch, but that something they did was unacceptable or unfair.

In terms of staying quiet and not wishing to speak up in case it causes conflict just remember that you have the right to be respected and not taken for a ride or treated unfairly and whenever you have to address this to someone that the only method of addressing it is in a calm and reasonable manner. Of the utmost importance is not to raise the voice and if someone else does simply tell them that you cannot listen to them until they can speak to you calmly.

A lot of it for me required me to go off and calm down and think things through before actually tackling situations head on.

I hope that helps you.

LegacyUser

That really does help and thank you so much for replying, Username. How do you deal with the anxiety while you are distancing yourself? I think the fear of the confrontation is 95% of the time worse than the confrontation itself.

My thing is though that far from getting aggressive and aggravated, I get really meek and passive. Do you experience this? I almost find that it's worse with people I don't know well, rather than people I am comfortable with. If I don't know them well, I think I am terrified that they won't like me after a confrontation or won't see me as "nice". It's a stupid fear (I know I owe them nothing) but it really winds me up.

Addressing the behaviour is a great tip. There have been times when I've been annoyed or anxious at what I thought was the person themselves but it was actually just their behaviour at the time. I'll put that one into practice.

Your point about the right to be respected is one that I reckon I'll have to make a mantra of. It's true and I need to start acting like it is.

username123

Hi,
Anxiety - you get a kind of fight or flight calming down that only lets reaction kick in afterwards - in the moment of doing this scary thing you become sort of icy and calm. Its the worry of it that causes the anxiousness beforehand, the assertion itself brings calm (a bit like stage fright that goes when you start the acting or singing or whatever).

I used to be the biggest people pleaser in existence, then a couple of times I ended up doing what I wanted to do rather than what an individual wanted me to do and you know what? I found out the world doesnt end and people dont hate me just because I do what I want once in a while. I kind of lost my worry of what other people thought of me as well, because I have a lot of nice friends and people who like me, so its not really a big deal if some people dont you know? I dont like everyone I meet in life so its only natural that not everyone would like me either - you cant please everyone lol!!

I do know what you mean about getting meek and passive. Its about keeping the situation quiet and easy. Its actually fine in loads of situations but sometimes you just HAVE to make a stand. Try not to worry about what people think - imagine all the people you have ever met - now think about those whose opinion you respect - its a small number of the total - so forget the opinion of people you dont know or care about - its not relevant to who you are - and you cant be known and judged properly on a short interaction anyway.

Its harder thinking about asserting yourself than it is asserting yourself. So keep that in mind, doing it is pretty quick and easy, thinking about it is very long and painful!!!

I was badly embarrassed and made little of in a local supermarket by a staff member a few years back, at first I was reasonably assertive but as the situation escalated I had to get out. I waited outside, and then after a while I went back in, approached the person, insisted calmly I wanted their name and went off again and wrote a letter of complaint - for which I received an apology and a phonecall from the manager. SO although I had to escape in the moment, I did manage to deal with it from a distance and that gave me some confidence. Its all small steps.

Even that youre conscious of this and want to change it will help you make the changes you need. Sometimes just recognising the need for change helps you - imagine there are loads of people out there who havent even reached the point you are at - dont even realise they are people pleasers!!

So youre on the right road!!

LegacyUser

Username, sincerely and from the bottom of my heart, thank you for that post. I hope you know how much your advice and encouragement means to me.

You make so much sense in your post. It is the fear before the event that gets me the most. I think that, rather than giving in to the fear and getting increasingly anxious with time, I need to assert myself and take action. Prolonging it only tortures me.

I think as well that I need to remember that the other person is not feeling as bad as I am making myself feel. As you say, short interactions are not enough to know a person. I know that I am a good person and have good friends who know that too.

Did you find it got easier with practice, so to speak? If it's a case of it lessening over time, I could definitely deal with that.

Well done on your approach to the staff member in the supermarket. You've been a great inspiration. Thank you so much.

mikemac

What sometimes happen here OP is meek and passive people bottle things up.
And then at a later date explode and often to the wrong people.

Ever in a road rage incident or someone blows you off the road with lots of finger waving? Probably had nothing to do with you but the person was angry over their girlfriend, boyfriend, boss, whatever but bottled it up and took it out on you as they're safe locked in their car.

This is dangerous in work and in the office.
People walk over you, your boss thinks you don't care as you never speak up and the people who do nothing but talk the talk get the credit.......
You are a good worker, feel nobody recognizes this and then you explode and you come across as unprofessional

Don't be a chronic people pleaser. Working to please everyone will not make them like you.
By standing up you'll get more respect, not less as people will take you seriously and not shaft you to the corner to do the donkey work while the talkers get the credit and good work

sparkling sea

If you can find a good assertivness trainer or course that should really help.

I know they teach the techniques and you have to practice them, but they do start of with managable scenarios to help build your confidence.

LegacyUser

Mikemac, you have a great point about bottling things up. I definitely used to have rage issues and had got to the point where I was self harming to deal with it. This :
"You are a good worker, feel nobody recognizes this and then you explode and you come across as unprofessional" really resonated with me. That has happened to me quite a few times and I always wondered why I got no respect. It makes a lot of sense the way you've put it. I was ALWAYS being lumbered with the donkey work and for no praise/thanks in my last job while others swanned around without repercussion.

@Sparkling Sea, I was considering attending one. Have you experience with any yourself? Is it worth the price they charge?

username123

Almost There... wrote: »

Did you find it got easier with practice, so to speak? If it's a case of it lessening over time, I could definitely deal with that.

Definitely!!! Theres a kind of two pronged payback, one is you get a bit of confidence for doing what you really wanted to do and two is that you gain that realisation that the world didnt come crashing down because you stood up for yourself. Plenty of little incidents then help as time passes.

You have to remember that your current method of avoiding conflict is only learned behaviour- granted, its well ingrained and learned through childhood, but learning a healthier way that doesnt make you feel bad about yourself is just a new thing to learn, you can undo old habits, and becoming aware of them is the very first step!! Its totally possible to learn new ways, and there will always be the odd slip back to the old ways, but so long as you can keep working on it then the new way becomes the natural way. And it self reinforces because it is what you WANT to do.

Mikemac is so right about the bottling things up. I used to do that a lot as a teenager and early twenties. And I would explode in a 'safe' situation - sometimes that safe situation can be at the ones we love because we know they wont not like us or leave us. Sometimes it can be at ourselves, taking out the rage on our own bodies, which isnt healthy at all. Even if we dont take it out, just bottling it up can be enormously stressful on the body.

Another very simple thing to remember is that sometimes just the act of taking action - even when its thw wrong action - can be enough to relieve the fear - anything is better than inaction and worrying and stressing, so when you do SOMETHING it helps. Whats important is to try to do the right thing, so as Mikemac says, dont explode and come across as unprofessional in work, just address things calmly and assertively.

Its a big cliche really but you have to love yourself, and be willing to ensure that other people respect you and treat you with dignity.

Its all confidence building that you need, and an ability to work on not feeling self conscious. You might consider joining a public speaking or debate class, both are excellent for working on those skills - plus helping you become more articulate so you CAN say what you want to say. Group therapy can also be useful to help with the speaking up aspect of things.

The assertives techniques course sounds like a great idea too.

mikemac

I don't realy know much about assertiveness training but I like this public speaking suggestion

Head along to Toastmasters OP, most every town in Ireland has a group. It'll be great for your confidence and you'll also learn a lot about how you come across.
Friendly crew there, everyone there for the same reason

LegacyUser

Thanks again both of you for your help and advice and sorry I'm only coming back to this now.

The Toastmasters are such a great idea. I used to be a really confident public speaker and I lost it somewhere along the way so it could be a great way to kill two birds with one stone. I think I'm totally therapied out of it for the time being so I like that idea better!

I took all the advice here and tackled a situation I've been putting off for months. I was polite and pleasant but very firm. It took a lot of the "oh, scary" feeling out of it to realise that I could approach matters calmly but firmly. It, as far as I can tell, has worked perfectly. I'm also starting to become more conscious of all the people I let walk all over me. I'm starting to actively look at situations where this is happening and considering the best approaches to stopping it. It's not that I'm actively seeking conflict though -- I'm genuinely seeing where I can better situations.

Thanks again for all your help, Username, Mikemac and Sparkling Sea. It means a lot and I appreciate it so much. x

username123

Almost There... wrote: »

I took all the advice here and tackled a situation I've been putting off for months. I was polite and pleasant but very firm. It took a lot of the "oh, scary" feeling out of it to realise that I could approach matters calmly but firmly. It, as far as I can tell, has worked perfectly.

Great news, you'll have to change your username to 'There'

Very well done, best of luck in your continuing quest.

Sea Sharp

When it comes to asserting myself now, I get nervous, slightly sick feeling and panicked. This, as you can imagine, is not a great situation to be in as it gives people licence to walk all over you. I know it's not a normal state to be in and rationally, I know that confrontation isn't always a bad thing but I can't stop the rabbit-in-the-headlights "fight or flight" response from kicking in.

I recognise that.
I would suggest using breathing techniques to calm yourself down rather than bottle it up. As mentioned by others if you suppress emotion it will come out eventually.
The next time you find yourself in such a situation, slowly breath in as much air as you can, hold it for ten seconds and then slowly release.