Wifes depression and drinking

LegacyUser

My wife suffers from depression and has done since her early 20s. When she doesn't take her pills, she's extremely hard to cope with and when she drinks heavily while on her pills, she is very aggressive and argumentative. I'm not perfect, but I always do my best to help her. I listen when she wants to talk, offer advice if asked and generally try to avoid any arguments. What happens then is it all gets pent up inside me and eventually I lose my cool. This then results in my wife losing her cool in an even more OTT manner. Recently I have given up completely on engaging in any kind of disagreement and if I snap at her, I apologise immediately so as to not draw any more fire.

Last night though has left me feeling very low and quite frankly I am looking at her today and feeling nothing for her. We went out for a meal and a few drinks. I always encourage her to eat and then drink moderately. The evening was going well until her drinking got out of control. By out of control I mean she was knocking it back and getting very drunk, very quickly. She refused to go home or drink water. As a result she was loud, aggressive and argumentative. I tried to keep things calm, until she brought up a really trivial domestic matter and insisted (aggressively) that we discuss it. I suggested that we enjoy our night and discuss it in a more appropriate environment at another time. Then all hell broke loose. I got abuse and she stormed off. I followed her and unfortunately lost my cool. She then attacked me physically on two occasions. So I had to shadow her home to make sure she was safe. That was the end of it.

Today is my day off from work. I feel humiliated, ashamed and embarrassed at what passersby must have thought as she was swinging punches at me on the street. Not to mention what staff and customers in our local pub think. I don't want to go near it again. It took her 3 hours to say sorry this morning, but I've heard it all before. She admits the problem, says she'll change, get help etc etc, but never does. Its years since it was this bad and I really thought that the violent, frenzied behaviour was somewhat under control. Last night brought it all back to me and something has clicked inside me and its not nice. I don't feel I have the energy to go on with her anymore. I'm empty and very very down. Keeping a brave face on things today is very hard and the simple sorry I got isn't working anymore.

Any advice/opinions appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hello Dejected,

I have been the other person on the side of the coin,

My girlfriend used to dread nights out cos i would get very drunk and let my mouth get the better of me and we would argue then when wed get home,nothing physical but i left her in tears a few times.We ended up going out together very rarely and sometimes she would sleep at home nights that i would have went drinking,

She left me and it left me devastated,however she had her own faults,however i dont blame her for leaving me and have full respect for her.

I think dejected that maybe you should look bout doing the same.people that suffer from this disease of drinking can say sorry as much as we like but we do the same things over and over again.

I have told her to get on with her life and she seems happy,you have to look about yourself dejected,hope this helps

LegacyUser

Dejected, I'm in your position, I'm married about 20 years and for 12 of these years life has been unbearable, I was delighted to read your post because I too asume the tact of staying calm and avoiding arguments to the point where I no longer have a voice or opinion at home. We simply don't argue because I don't engage in any, it's a pointless exercise. The physical side of the relationship ended years ago so when I'm home it feels pointless apart from being able to enjoy my children. Like you I feel concern for the woman I married, care for her and watch out for her because she seems incapable or unwilling to look after herself, I didn't wish a life like this for myself and would have preferred a better outcome but at the end of the day there's two choices, leave or stay. My choice was to stay and it has allowed me to watch over and protect my children and enjoy them growing up, however if I could turn the clock back I know I should have left because as the previous poster stated 'they never change'. If anything the gap between you will just increase until you're left as two strangers sharing a house together. The longer you stay the more it will rip you apart because life is short and it can be enjoyed, even being alone is better than walking on egg shells.

My recommendation would be to go for counselling together, in my case she refused and told me to go alone however each person is different and maybe you'll have a more positive outcome from counselling.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys. This issue was huge with us when we first met and then married. It tapered off for years and things were great, but over the last two years it has returned with a vengeance. No matter what I do, I can't please her. I wouldn't class her as an alcoholic, but then again, if drinking causes problems then alcoholism is never far behind. What really upsets me is the eventual apology and period of trying to make amends. Then it fizzles out to the same old crap as if the remorse is just forgotten.

She has had a very bad time of it lately. Both her parents died within 18 months and now she has fallen out with her siblings. No amount of talking and listening seems to help and she is against counselling. Its a daily struggle. I thought her violent tendencies had gone, so I'm shocked to see them return. But as I have said before, my own feelings towards her have changed and that is really bothering me. We have a young child too who I think is picking up on the tension.

LegacyUser

I grew up with a mother like your wife, and a father like you.

My father stuck by my mother, then died from the stress of the situation age 50.

My mother would be okay for a while, then go drinking and becoming a nasty, vile human being again.

It has severely affected who I am as a person. I'm in my mid 20s now and working through my issues, all of which came about from watching my mother's behaviour and attitude towards my father, what I thought was normal human interaction.

If I could speak with you in person, and tell you the endless issues I've been left with, I have no doubt but you would run a mile from your wife now. I hate what the situation made me and feel some anger towards my late father for not taking my sister and I and walking away. My sister has many mental illness issues now and her life is not worth living. I broke free and got away, found a wonderful partner and he has nursed me through.

I realise now that feeling suicidal age 10 because of my mother's drinking and abusive arguments with my dad was not a normal feeling for a child, but I didn't know different at the time.

My parents never realised how much we picked up on it.

I don't think my mother would care today. Her behaviour escalated severely as the years passed.

OP, get out now for the sake of your child. Trust me on it!

LegacyUser

If your wife suffers from depression she needs to stay away from drink.
Drink will make only make her depression worse.
Do you think that she is drinking on the quite?
I think that you are going through a very hard time with your wife at the moment.
She has lost her parents and I would advise her to go to a Counselling Psychologist.
You can find one by looking the psi.ie ( phychologist society of Ireland).
At the stage I would tell her that you will not put up with the way she is treating you at the moment. I know this will be hard but she needs to know that you are will to help her but she has to be willing to help herself.
I would remove all the drink from the house also because it is not helping her.
Good luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP,

I'm in my mid twenties and have an alcoholic mother. My mum and dad split when I was in my early teens (for a number of reasons - not just related to the alcoholism). Similar to your wife, my mother also suffers from chronic depression. My mother has put my family through hell and I just couldn't take it anymore so I've cut all contact with her. I'm also seeing a counsellor now to deal with the issues that she has caused.

I too remember trying to stay calm, not cause arguments when she was drunk and cover up her drinking. I also remember all the apologies and empty promises to change. To me, it sounds like your wife in an alcoholic. The point that I am making is that she will not change unless she sees the problem herself. Alcoholics love to put the blame on everyone else and avoid taking responsibility for their actions.

My advice to you, even though you may not want to hear it - get out from this abusive relationship now. If you've given her options and support regarding seeking help/counselling and she's declined these offers then is there much more that you feel you can do? Putting up with this behaviour is just enabling her and feeding her addiction.

In my opinion, you aren't going to be able to change her and trying to do so will destroy you. Alcoholism is something that an individual must fight on their own. Alcoholism is a choice. She is choosing to continue like this. I don't mean to sound harsh but I wish I'd had this wake up call years ago. I'm only beginning to deal with these issues now.

Whatever decision you make, please protect yourself and your child. They should be your priority and living in an alcoholic environment is definitely not the right place for them as they grow older.

nicechick!

Dejected wrote: »

My wife suffers from depression and has done since her early 20s. When she doesn't take her pills, she's extremely hard to cope with and when she drinks heavily while on her pills, she is very aggressive and argumentative. I'm not perfect, but I always do my best to help her. I listen when she wants to talk, offer advice if asked and generally try to avoid any arguments. What happens then is it all gets pent up inside me and eventually I lose my cool. This then results in my wife losing her cool in an even more OTT manner. Recently I have given up completely on engaging in any kind of disagreement and if I snap at her, I apologise immediately so as to not draw any more fire.

Last night though has left me feeling very low and quite frankly I am looking at her today and feeling nothing for her. We went out for a meal and a few drinks. I always encourage her to eat and then drink moderately. The evening was going well until her drinking got out of control. By out of control I mean she was knocking it back and getting very drunk, very quickly. She refused to go home or drink water. As a result she was loud, aggressive and argumentative. I tried to keep things calm, until she brought up a really trivial domestic matter and insisted (aggressively) that we discuss it. I suggested that we enjoy our night and discuss it in a more appropriate environment at another time. Then all hell broke loose. I got abuse and she stormed off. I followed her and unfortunately lost my cool. She then attacked me physically on two occasions. So I had to shadow her home to make sure she was safe. That was the end of it.

Today is my day off from work. I feel humiliated, ashamed and embarrassed at what passersby must have thought as she was swinging punches at me on the street. Not to mention what staff and customers in our local pub think. I don't want to go near it again. It took her 3 hours to say sorry this morning, but I've heard it all before. She admits the problem, says she'll change, get help etc etc, but never does. Its years since it was this bad and I really thought that the violent, frenzied behaviour was somewhat under control. Last night brought it all back to me and something has clicked inside me and its not nice. I don't feel I have the energy to go on with her anymore. I'm empty and very very down. Keeping a brave face on things today is very hard and the simple sorry I got isn't working anymore.

Any advice/opinions appreciated.

Right now your feeling extremely overwhelmed so its important to look at this situation and make a decision moving forward. Moving forward you need to make a decision to leave now or support her in her battle with depression & alcohol (terms & conditions apply)

You must consider your own mental health. www.aware.ie have good advice, information and support measures in place to help persons directly effected by loved ones depression & drinking have you or she ever considered counselling? I strongly recommend it also she obviously understands that she has depression as she is taking medication so there is some acknowledgement on her part in her battle towards depression and her drinking.


If you decide to stay do not facilitate her behaviour by staying quiet, you need to stay calm and communicate the fact that if she doesn't not improve you will leave give her a time frame.

Try remember that Depression can make us self centred (not deliberately) as sufferers may not be open to others feelings as there so self absorbed in there our own battle that the concept of reality is difficult to deal with and the fact that she cannot cope with what your saying may just actually be another symptom.

I would suggest you have the conversation try not get angry (though sometimes warranted) yes make sure that she understands there is only so much you will tolerate and that the end result may be that you will leave but please give her the chance to do a number of things first before leaving. She needs to immediately stop being rude and disrespectful to you and you must give her a time frame to work off a list to do other things here are a few suggestions

1. Talk to his GP
2. Seek Counselling
3. Set aside time to do something together make sure its outdoors & doesn't involve alcohol go for a walk in a nice area exercise makes all of us feel good, find a beech go for a picnic etc something that doesn't involve her interacting with others on a large scale she may hate every minute of it but may eventually come to realise that she enjoyed himself or may motivate her to do so again!
4. I'm sure she has enjoyed some hobbies in the past and is likely that she doesn't directly involve herself any more try get her to do this again! Sometimes it can be a wake up call for many by doing something they took joy out of in the past it might motivate her to keep it up as he may realise she's missed certain things (with depression sometimes the individuals has to force themselves mentally to do something as the joy for many elements of life has disappeared! but hopefully that spark of enjoyment may come back)
5. I know little or nothing about mixing alcohol in this mix its likely it doesn't help get her to put a limit to her use! Only at the weekend or not at all etc (I know it comes across as your dictating to her but you need to be able to measure and seek results for you as much as her)

From you it takes communication, encouragement, understanding, support for things to change if not it will be her loss, overcoming symptoms of depression takes time however the sufferer needs to recognise this and help themselves in there battle to improving you can support her while doing so but again you also need to take care of your well being, its important that you also feel happy in your home environment otherwise it will begin to effect you long term which it has.

Short term encourage her to talk to the following and for you also

http://www.dublinsamaritans.ie/
www.aware.ie

Good luck

greengirl31

Hi Dejected,

I'm feel awful bad for you and your family. Your wife reminds me of my own mum. When we were kids and she was younger, she suffered from bouts of severe depression and even when she was well she was very volatile and could fly off the handle for the slightest thing. My Dad was similar to you, Did everything he could to pacify her and keep the peace. It wasn't till we were a bit older that the drink became an issues and that's when the fun really started. She was aggressive and nasty when she was drunk and was a horrible person to be around. And My dad did nothing .... He was never man enough to stand up to her and make her stop and see what she was doing to us and the hell that she was putting her family through. She was ill but he wasn't - he should have done something but it wasn't the easy option. Now maybe he couldn't have changed anything but he didn't try. I was a teenager at this stage and I remember telling him he needed to do something but his reply was "sure what can I do" - They ended up separating a few years after that and he left (or was told to go) but we were left there and she was worse than ever and then he did the "well it's not my fault, she made me leave" And I suppose after the years of abuse he'd put up with part of him was glad to be away from her.
My point is you need to do something about this now. Speak to someone like aware, the Samaritans or AA but you need to stop pussyfooting around your wife. You don't want to back her into a corner but she needs to understand that something needs to change and you will help and support her in every way you can but you can't go on they way you are and if she won't get help then you will have to consider your relationship and you also need to think about your child. Speak to the organisations mentioned to see what would be the best way to tackle this.
While I know my Mum was ultimately responsible for the knife edge that we lived on in our house, part of me blames my dad for not sticking up for us and himself and allowing mum to hold us all to ransom like she did. Do something now or before you know it 20 years will have gone and the misery will have taken hold and none of you will ever get that time back again. Good luck and be strong