Confused

Death_By_Sexy

Hi,

Basically, I play in a band and every year myself and the band go away for a weekend, where we play and essentially go crazy together. Last year, myself and my girlfriend were not getting along as she had many issues in her family and work life and I thought she didn't love me. I broke up with her and started going out with one of the local girls right away. I know it sounds terrible, but the only reason I was going out with this other girl was because she was 25 and I was 27 (my girlfriend was only 21 and I feared she would leave me). It was a huge mistake, the biggest I've ever made in my life, and I battled for months to get my girlfriend back, she's the best thing that has ever happened to me and I am completely in love with her. The only problem is, I swore to her I would never ever go back to that place. My bandmates are going next weekend (this will be our 7th year) and now they're not speaking to me, as I've said I won't go, but I really want to go, as I have so many friends from that place. My girlfriend is amazing, and she has said that I should go as I would be letting everybody else down by not going, but I know she's deeply upset and hurt, and the other girl I went off with will be there, which is causing her a lot of concern. I want nothing to do with this other girl, I feel absolutely nothing for her and do not want her in my life. I only want my girl's happiness, but I fear she can do much better than me, and I don't want to lose her as she is the love of my life.

Losing her was the worst thing that has ever happened to me, and I know I am so lucky to have her in my life again. I just feel trapped, as I'l be letting somebody down either way. I just don't know what to do.:(

Warm Panda Cola

You really have to follow your head on this one, is this weekend away something that's a vital part of the band and whether or not ye stay together as a group? It would be an extremely tough decision, which you're obviously battling with, to just drop a tradition/something important like that in your life. It sounds like your gf wants you to go away and she trusts you, or do you think it's a case of she could be 'testing' you (for the want of a better word). What does your head say to you? If she really is honestly okay with it and you won't do anything with this other girl, and if this could cause an irreparable rift between you and your bandmates, then I would see no problem as to you going away.

Incidentally, just as I was typing, have you explained to your bandmates as to why you perhaps shouldn't go? Or do they think that there's no valid reason as to why you shouldn't go?

Taltos

Is there a reason she cannot come with you???
This way the band is happier and she and you can start your own tradition

Death_By_Sexy

I live with the other guys, and they just won't listen to me. They all really like my girlfriend and get on really well with her, but if I suggest not going, or taking her with me, they just blank me and state 'Its a boy's weekend, she should trust you enough by now'.

I feel terrible though, because I know my girlfriend feels completely let down and I hate myself for hurting her. She has told me that she knows that I have to go, but if she was being completely honest, she couldn't promise me that it won't be detrimental our relationship. She was not issuing threats, she just stated that she does not know how she will react while I'm gone. I know she wishes she cared less about me, she's very, very loving and giving, to the point where other people take advantage of her good nature.
She is not the type to play mind games. She afforded me great kindness and respect, even when I was contacting her while with the other girl, but she refuses to be a walk over.

I'm starting to think that she believes I don't love her, which hurts me, because she means the world to me. She is prettier, funnier, smarter and nicer than I am, I know I am punching well above my weight, and there are a lot of men out there willing me to screw this up again to have a chance with her.

The band consists of my family and my best friends. M******* has been so understanding and has stated she'll be working on her PhD anyway, but I'm still unsure. I just want to stop feeling like everything I do is hurting somebody else.

Sorry, I'm wallowing.

Herrick

Is it an option to bring your girlfriend with you for the weekend?

Edit: Just noticed you saying their giving out about bringing her. It's simple, fcuk them. You live with them, as muboop1 says every weekend is a bit of a lads weekend. They say she should trust, but after what happened she's bound to feel a bit insecure. She's the one you love, not the boys.

muboop1

Death_By_Sexy wrote: »

I live with the other guys, and they just won't listen to me. They all really like my girlfriend and get on really well with her, but if I suggest not going, or taking her with me, they just blank me and state 'Its a boy's weekend, she should trust you enough by now'.

...

The band consists of my family and my best friends. ****** has been so understanding and has stated she'll be working on her PhD anyway, but I'm still unsure. I just want to stop feeling like everything I do is hurting somebody else.

Sorry, I'm wallowing.

2 things,

It;s YOUR relationship not your mates. You know you will be letting her down by going. take her with you. If your mates don't understand, explain it. IF they still don't get it stuff them! Bring her anyway, what will they do! Plus you live with them, every weekend is a bit of a lads weekend, feck it!

Secondly, please remove her name from your post, lest someone recogonise you.

Warm Panda Cola

It's an extremely tough situation to be in and I really feel for you. But unfortunately only you can make this decision, are you willing to go in case it ruins your relationship.

To be perfectly honest, the way you're describing this girl and everything about her, it sounds she has a really good head on her shoulders, she trusts you and she's doing her best not to be upset by the whole thing and she sounds like she's trying to work past it for the sake of the relationship.

But I also understand why she is hurt and probably would be hurt if you did go, but one thing in your last post, why since all you've been through & you fought months to get her back, why do you believe that she doesn't think you love her? Is there something else going on here??

Death_By_Sexy

Not really, she is very busy and it is an exclusively lads weekend. Also, this other girl would try to hurt Michaela both physically and emotionally. Its just a horrific mess at the moment.

Death_By_Sexy

I just feel as though she deserves better than me, after everything that has happened I don't feel as though I deserve to be with her.

She says she's forgiven me and that I shoud forgive myself, but I feel as though I'm rotten inside, to treat somebody, who has afforded me with more love and respect than anybody else ever has, so terribly.

I'm just terrified of hurting her again.

Taltos

A few things - edit your earlier post to remove her name....

Secondly - what is there to forgive?
The break
or you seeing someone else while you were not together?

I know you keep saying she trusts you but the way you describe it makes it sound that actually she doesn't...
That is what worries me - she says one thing - but if she really did trust you then what does it matter where you go.

Your mates though - you have a different battle on your hands there - they are trying to make you choose and to be honest sound like immature idiots...

Death_By_Sexy

Technically I cheated on her with the other girl, therein lies the trust issues unfortunately

Wompa1

Death_By_Sexy wrote: »

Technically I cheated on her with the other girl, therein lies the trust issues unfortunately

Simple solution. Don't go. If your band mates are actually mates they will get over it, if not f**k them. I'd say it's a great oppurtunity to show your girl how much she means by not going now that she knows you are being pressured. It means you are willing to sacrifice to be with her. Do the right thing

Taltos

Death_By_Sexy wrote: »

Technically I cheated on her with the other girl, therein lies the trust issues unfortunately

Ok well if that's the case then you really only have 2 choices, take her with you and deal with your mates; or stay and again deal with your mates...

Your first post made it clear you were broken up though...

Innervision

Is there any way you could convince them to go somewhere else for this weekend away?

I am a friend

Death_By_Sexy wrote: »

Technically I cheated on her with the other girl, therein lies the trust issues unfortunately

Ok so you didnt break up with her and start to go out with a local.... On this basis, I wouldnt go and if your friends cant do without you for a weekend then they need to grow up.

premierlass

Not going is probably the best decision, but whatever your choice, let it be motivated by your promise and commitment to your girlfriend and not by misguided loyalty to your bandmates, because frankly, they don't seem to have your best interests in mind.