Fancied someone - now he's gone

LegacyUser

I started in a company about 1.5 years ago. There was this guy in another dept. He'd walk past my desk regularly. Had the odd chat. I fancied him. So roll on to a few days ago it turns out he has left! Albeit to another company in the city. We were doing alot of hellos and smiling at each other. I know thats small, but it brightened my day! Then again, I guess if he fancied me, he would have asked me out or done something. I just need to tell someone as cant tell anyone at work. Actually feel like crying (stupid I know). Thought it might have gone somewhere. Have been single 2 years now. Not a single date. Its so disheartening and frustrating, despite trying to send out the right signals.

magick

instead of waiting for him to make a move, why didnt you ask him out?

sickpuppy

Do women not realise many men are useless with signals from women
as for saying he would have asked me out or done something its 2011 not 1911
if you like someone ask them out whether your a guy or a gal
better to ask and get let down or ask and get accepted than twiddling your thumbs wondering what if
if you know this guys name or number get in contact and ask him for a drink
facebook good for stalking :pac:
if you dont know his name or number im lost as to why you thought it could go somewhere?

King of Kings

uugghhhhh wrote: »

, I guess if he fancied me, he would have asked me out or done something.

this isn't at all true.
He may well fancy you but the opportune moment to ask you out didn't arise.
I'd never approach a collegue in work and ask them out esp if they were sitting at their desk - considering all you did was smile and say hello.

At a work social function or something yeah that's fine.
It's nothing to do with reading signals or confidence , it's just not appropriate in the office - BTW i'm no problem with dating a work collegue.

token56

I'm sure somebody in your work will have his new email or some contact details for him. Contact him, say who you are and you're wondering if he'd like to meet up for lunch or a coffee some day. If he says no so be it, he doesn't work with you anymore so wouldn't have to see him again. You've very little to lose really.

LegacyUser

What is it with women expecting guys to always make the first move? How insecure can a women be to never dare to ask a guy out. You should have asked him out or at least made it very obvious that you fancied him. Smiling isn't enough, jesus he would have to be very conceited to think that a friendly smile means you fancied him. We need more, a lot more. We are clueless in general with taking subtle hints from women. Be more proactive in the future and take a risk and actually ask a guy out. The world won't end if he says no.

LegacyUser

I could not make it any more obvious that I fancied him. Head turning, long gazes, eye contact, smiles. All those things. Ok, the opportunity never arose where we actually had long conversations, but I thought he might pull the finger out now he has left.
It is just so frustrating. I give up. I actually give up.

Fremen

uugghhhhh wrote: »

I could not make it any more obvious that I fancied him. Head turning, long gazes, eye contact, smiles.

I don't mean to be obnoxious, but you really could have. "I like you" works just fine. Maybe half the girls I've been with have made the first move.

Get his e-mail and ask him to go out for a drink.

premierlass

uugghhhhh wrote: »

I could not make it any more obvious that I fancied him. Head turning, long gazes, eye contact, smiles. All those things. Ok, the opportunity never arose where we actually had long conversations, but I thought he might pull the finger out now he has left.
It is just so frustrating. I give up. I actually give up.

I don't get it - why give up when you haven't actually tried anything yet? What you think are signals may not be signals at all. For all he knows you smile like that at everyone. Email and suggest catching up. He can only say no.

Kevin Duffy

uugghhhhh wrote: »

I could not make it any more obvious that I fancied him. Head turning, long gazes, eye contact, smiles. All those things. Ok, the opportunity never arose where we actually had long conversations, but I thought he might pull the finger out now he has left.
It is just so frustrating. I give up. I actually give up.

Just enough to make him think you might fancy him, but he wasn't sure enough to make a move on a colleague would be my guess.

Get in touch with him, make your move.

Wompa1

uugghhhhh wrote: »

I could not make it any more obvious that I fancied him. Head turning, long gazes, eye contact, smiles. All those things. Ok, the opportunity never arose where we actually had long conversations, but I thought he might pull the finger out now he has left.
It is just so frustrating. I give up. I actually give up.

Why didn't you ask him out? You make the long conversation happen. One of my ex's said she was throwing me signals constantly, it took her jumping me to get through to me.

Do you know if the guy is single?

wild_cat

If he is your friend on facebook send him a message. Especially now that he's left the company you know you won't have to see him every day of the week if it doesn't go to plan.

I am a friend

It doesnt matter now why she didnt ask him out and there is no point going off on a rant at her now...

OP, you need to get his contact details from someone in work and ask him for a coffee or drink..

LegacyUser

This makes me a little sad.

OP (and women in general) hints just don't work... at all.
I know that I've missed massive hints from women, and gone away thinking, "What a lovely girl, she's pretty friendly, pity she's not interested in me", only to have other people later (sometimes months later) ask "what happened to that girl that was all but throwing herself at you?".

Some guys think every girl that talks to them fancies them, some guys listen to that song, and realise that just because a girl is talking to them doesn't mean she's interested... and then they over apply that.
"Hey, this girl seems to be into me! Nah, that's just wishful thinking, she's just being friendly"

If you like someone the only way to find out if they like you is to ask, it doesn't have to be a straight up "do you fancy me?" but it can't be sending some smoke signals and hoping they make a move...
"I made sure to make lots of eye contact and displayed my wrists... he didn't ask me on a date so he's not interested!"

zimmermania

uugghhhhh wrote: »

I started in a company about 1.5 years ago. There was this guy in another dept. He'd walk past my desk regularly. Had the odd chat. I fancied him. So roll on to a few days ago it turns out he has left! Albeit to another company in the city. We were doing alot of hellos and smiling at each other. I know thats small, but it brightened my day! Then again, I guess if he fancied me, he would have asked me out or done something. I just need to tell someone as cant tell anyone at work. Actually feel like crying (stupid I know). Thought it might have gone somewhere. Have been single 2 years now. Not a single date. Its so disheartening and frustrating, despite trying to send out the right signals.

Could you get in touch on the pretext of seeking his advice on something or other to do with the company? If he is helpful he is interested if not you wont suffer the rejection associated with a direct rebuff should you ask him out for a drink .

premierlass

I am a friend wrote: »

It doesnt matter now why she didnt ask him out and there is no point going off on a rant at her now...

OP, you need to get his contact details from someone in work and ask him for a coffee or drink..

Maybe I was a bit harsh, but OP, it's your attitude now that counts. I've been as guilty myself as anyone, but women can forget that they have just as much responsibility as men in asking each other out and tend to default to "passive" without fully realising it.

Overheal

Hate to slap you into the next century, but social habits have changed. You can thank technology. People don't go up and ask people out on dates (rarely) and be traditionalist about it. Most of the time, people 'hang out' for coffee, with friends, etc. and get to know eachother. Or they eat the face off a stranger in a nightclub..

The point is if you were waiting for him to ask you out I think you are getting the wrong idea about the times you live in. That's a common issue though, not that it's important why you didn't ask him to do something previously. But what are you going to do now? Why should you be afraid to ask him if he wants to get a coffee sometime? "Hey I miss talking to you at my desk! Wanna get a coffee sometime?" It's really slaptastically simple.

Could you get in touch on the pretext of seeking his advice on something or other to do with the company? If he is helpful he is interested if not you wont suffer the rejection associated with a direct rebuff should you ask him out for a drink .

Convoluted and Dishonest. If you can't handle rejection you're pretty screwed in life. Life is fully of rejection, both personal and professional.

I am a friend

Overheal wrote: »

Hate to slap you into the next century, but social habits have changed. You can thank technology. People don't go up and ask people out on dates (rarely) and be traditionalist about it. Most of the time, people 'hang out' for coffee, with friends, etc. and get to know eachother. Or they eat the face off a stranger in a nightclub..

The point is if you were waiting for him to ask you out I think you are getting the wrong idea about the times you live in.

There is no need to patronise the girl.

ManOfMystery

Just get his email address and get in touch. What's the worst can happen, he says no? There's a million other men out there instead if that happens.

I agree with previous posters that he may not have got the hint at all. Or he may have got it, but didn't know how to read it.

For every girl like you who is trying to give off a signal by smiling/eye contact/chat/etc ........................ there is another one doing the same, but who's only being friendly and wondering why the guy took it as a come-on. So you have to give guys a bit of slack, it's not always that easy to know if the signs are genuine.

Overheal

I am a friend wrote: »

There is no need to patronise the girl.

She's a woman, and theres no need to mollycoddle her either. I expect someone can handle being told that they made a mistake in waiting for the other person to make the first romantic gesture.

I am a friend

Overheal wrote: »

She's a woman, and theres no need to mollycoddle her either. I expect someone can handle being told that they made a mistake in waiting for the other person to make the first romantic gesture.

And the hOrse has bolted so what's the point lecturing her now

Wibbs

premierlass wrote: »

women can forget that they have just as much responsibility as men in asking each other out and tend to default to "passive" without fully realising it.

+1 I think it's something else as well P. People tend to think how others think about something is the way they do. People tend to be self centred. Not necessarily in a bad way, just that they tend to focus others through their internal lens first. Not just in dating, indeed personal relationships can succeed or founder on this, but in dating the (largely cultural)gender diffs come to the fore.

So how an individual would like to be approached is how they assume others would like to be approached and that others would spot this. After all they would spot it if the positions were reversed so that seems logical. So in this case the OP(and a lot of women) give signals that if a man was giving them the same signals would be really obvious and they would respond. However as you say they tend to be passive signals. Men tend to give active signals, so they often miss this, because men are also assuming others work the same and are expecting the same signals they give off, though I've found slightly less so as they're expected to be the chasers so have to learn what works for others. Either way confusion can follow.

Basically don't assume what works for you will work on another. Goes for men and women. And as Overheal said times are a changing and life is too short to let it pass you by. Hopefully the OP has just gone for it, but if not she'll have learned something for the next time, so PITA it may have been, waste of time it wasn't. Speaking for myself I've learned more from my screw ups than my successes. Oh and I've had a few :D Wisdom is usually the outcome of experiencing the results of being unwise and you could nail that to the bottom of most issues in this forum.

gargleblaster

OP if you're still reading, you really will have to ignore the old "men like the chase" stuff that's bandied about, at least in situations like this. Obviously you liked this man enough to risk putting him off by being the pursuer in this case. It doesn't seem like you have anything to lose at this point so you might as well go for it.

Good luck. And ignore all the lecturing, this stuff is made so complicated by all the conflicting messages out there. Don't beat yourself up.

Overheal

I am a friend wrote: »

And the hOrse has bolted so what's the point lecturing her now

Because her life doesnt end today.

Calibos

Some men are so useless when it comes to signals or thinking, "Nah, I'm reading too much into it" that they can have a female fellow staff member not wait for them to get out of the way when they wanted to walk through the hatch behind the counter, but squash past the bloke with their back to him with their ass rubbing past his crotch, and he'll think to himself that its innocent and that she just doesn't realise what she's doing is driving him to distraction.

Eh, that happened to a friend years ago . It was only when she decided. "Fcuk this smiling, laughing at his jokes, fluttering my eyebrows hinting lark, Fcuk this non verbal erotic physical contact, When the fcuk are you going to ask me out!" that he realised, "Dya know what, I think the arse rubbing against my crotch thing might have been a come on after all!!"

LegacyUser

guys do not get signals - i fancied a guy in work and would kinda flirt with him and touch his arm etc. So after a while i got fed up with it and one night after we were out i said to him i liked him. He was totally surprised and said i kept it well hidden ( i thought i hadnt ) well he was delighted and now we are going for a drink soon. So please don't be old fashioned and wait for a guy to ask you out - that does not always happen. Look at me and now we are going for a drink its modern times girl.