Is it nerves or is he just after one thing?

Ruby-J

Ok im a teeny tiny bit nervous so just trying to settle the nerves here. This is the thing: I am going on a date on friday night with a guy who is just over 9 years older then me. I dont have a problem with the age thing but sometimes i wonder does he! We met online, we have been mailing and texting the past few weeks. It has been all friendly and a little bit of flirting, not much. He asked me to meet up so i agreed and he is coming to Dublin to meet me for dinner and a few drinks in town. Now my dilemma is, while he has given the signals im just not 100% sure he is all that interested in dating me. Like he has a very busy job as he is the manager of his own business so he works long hours. He only really chats with me at night time and give or take a few texts in the morning or early afternoon. I dont know if im being silly or just nervous, i asked him straight out was he anxious that i am 9 years younger and he said no as there are ten years between his parents. I know i should realise eh he is coming all the way to Dublin for the night and meeting for dinner AND drinks and not just a drink. HE asked me out and suggested dinner. Then you might ask, what is your problem? Thats the thing, i dont know, i think its a gut feeling i have or something. Im not planning on going back to his hotel with him or anything no matter what he says as I dont do that I personally think that if thats the only reason he is meeting with me well then his misread my profile. He is a private person too so that kind of bugs me sometimes as he is not as forthcoming about things as i might be. I suppose im conscious of making a fool of myself but am also trying to protect myself too. Its a bit of a pickle as i dont know if im just being silly and maybe he is really interested in me and he is just a private and cautious person.

Bottle_of_Smoke

So go for dinner and drinks, get to know him better. If he suggests going back to his then decline.

A date's a date, not a commitment to sleeping with him.

Wibbs

Better here Ruby-J

Taltos

Can I just advise you to be very careful.
The way you describe him could match a self-employed person - but it could also match a married man - especially the privacy/secrecy part.

Advise you to take it slowly and to be very careful - way too easy to sell a pack of lies online...

premierlass

I'd be less concerned about the age difference and more about what age you are now. If you were 18, for example, I'd look askance at that, especially since he would have known your age from your profile.

55

1- keep it simple and clean, put a list of questions you really want to ask (your doubts), and when you meet just keep asking, dont give him a chance to drag/drift the discussion.

2- the shorter you have the dinner, the harder you make on him to bring you to the hotel.

3- use common sense - just look at fine details.. you may notice something you are not aware of.

4- if he's genuine person, I think he will undrestand the sleep-over fact, and would meet you again.

5- if in doubt, refer to point 3

nicechick!

Ruby-J wrote: »

Ok im a teeny tiny bit nervous so just trying to settle the nerves here. This is the thing: I am going on a date on friday night with a guy who is just over 9 years older then me. I dont have a problem with the age thing but sometimes i wonder does he! We met online, we have been mailing and texting the past few weeks. It has been all friendly and a little bit of flirting, not much. He asked me to meet up so i agreed and he is coming to Dublin to meet me for dinner and a few drinks in town. Now my dilemma is, while he has given the signals im just not 100% sure he is all that interested in dating me. Like he has a very busy job as he is the manager of his own business so he works long hours. He only really chats with me at night time and give or take a few texts in the morning or early afternoon. I dont know if im being silly or just nervous, i asked him straight out was he anxious that i am 9 years younger and he said no as there are ten years between his parents. I know i should realise eh he is coming all the way to Dublin for the night and meeting for dinner AND drinks and not just a drink. HE asked me out and suggested dinner. Then you might ask, what is your problem? Thats the thing, i dont know, i think its a gut feeling i have or something. Im not planning on going back to his hotel with him or anything no matter what he says as I dont do that I personally think that if thats the only reason he is meeting with me well then his misread my profile. He is a private person too so that kind of bugs me sometimes as he is not as forthcoming about things as i might be. I suppose im conscious of making a fool of myself but am also trying to protect myself too. Its a bit of a pickle as i dont know if im just being silly and maybe he is really interested in me and he is just a private and cautious person.

Why are you tormenting yourself? Firstly you haven't met this person before so who's to say there is going to be any chemistry/attraction there! why are you dwelling on things you can't control? that said you want to control!

Its only natural that you'd be curious about him which the whole point of dating someone is to get to know someone better, what you do expect him to do tell you his life story via chat/e-mail/text... or his inner most thoughts etc from your thread it looks like he's exercising caution not always a bad thing its likely to just want to see how it goes

I don't know any man that doesn't want to ehhhh have fun with a girl they fancy but they can do it in a manner that is flirtatious and respectful i.e see what happens if its not your intention well then its not! you seem to already convinced yourself he's looking for ''bedroom fun'' seeing as he has 9yrs ahead of you he obviously I'm sure he'll managed not to jump you the minute he sees you

Another thing it could be that the reason your having an issue with age is fear that you'll come across immature, young - your making yourself socially awkward before you even meet him

so for god sake girl have fun!! go enjoy your night and chill out stop dwelling, obsessing over this

Ruby-J

Thanks everyone for your input and replies.


Im 27 and hes 36. And yes we both know each others ages. He has told me where he lives, all about his business and its location so he is not married and has no children. If he was im sure he wouldnt have revealed all of that information to me. I guess he has just been married to his business so to speak for the past 7 years hence why his relationships have not been long term. I guess im just letting the nerves get to me as i do think he is sound out and we have been getting on well. I suppose im just making a mountain out of a mohill but sometimes it always helps just to talk or bounce these things off other people to make you snap out of it.

I'll treat it as it is. A date. If anything more comes from it so be it otherwise im just going to enjoy new company over dinner and a few drinks. For all I know he is just shy and since he comes across as being a private person he may have been hurt badly in the past and hence why he is cautious.

I havent been on a date in a long time so for me its the nerves and the excitement that are causing me to overthink maybe.

I am a friend

Its easy, especially if you are a regular reader of PI to suspect everyone as having sinister motives. All I will say is enjoy yourself but keep your eyes open. Eventually you would want to be staying in his home and if he invites you there it is not very likely he is hiding too much...

Kevin Duffy

Ruby-J wrote: »

Thanks everyone for your input and replies.


Im 27 and hes 36. And yes we both know each others ages. He has told me where he lives, all about his business and its location so he is not married and has no children. If he was im sure he wouldnt have revealed all of that information to me. I guess he has just been married to his business so to speak for the past 7 years hence why his relationships have not been long term. I guess im just letting the nerves get to me as i do think he is sound out and we have been getting on well. I suppose im just making a mountain out of a mohill but sometimes it always helps just to talk or bounce these things off other people to make you snap out of it.

I'll treat it as it is. A date. If anything more comes from it so be it otherwise im just going to enjoy new company over dinner and a few drinks. For all I know he is just shy and since he comes across as being a private person he may have been hurt badly in the past and hence why he is cautious.

I havent been on a date in a long time so for me its the nerves and the excitement that are causing me to overthink maybe.

After your first post, I thought "married man", after your last post I think "first date nerves"

Have a ball on Friday, worry about the rest of it after that.

I am a friend

While that is a 9 year age gap, it is not at an age (27/36) where there should be a big difference in maturity levels. Its not like 17 and 26....

Ruby-J

I am a friend wrote: »

While that is a 9 year age gap, it is not at an age (27/36) where there should be a big difference in maturity levels. Its not like 17 and 26....

yeah thats true. I guess im just a bit anxious and nervous about it all. Fingers crossed it goes well

Ruby-J

I am a friend wrote: »

While that is a 9 year age gap, it is not at an age (27/36) where there should be a big difference in maturity levels. Its not like 17 and 26....

yeah thats true. I guess im just a bit anxious and nervous about it all. Fingers crossed it goes well

Fittle

Hi Ruby, can I ask if you have spoken to this guy yet?

Ruby-J

Fittle wrote: »

Hi Ruby, can I ask if you have spoken to this guy yet?

yeah we have spoken on the phone twice.

Fittle

Ruby-J wrote: »

yeah we have spoken on the phone twice.

Oh right - your first post reminded me so much of some of the guys I 'met' online who all turned out to be married or in a relationship ...foolishly, I hadn't spoken to either of them before I met them...
Anyway, best of luck tonight, I hope it works out.

Ruby-J

Ah noway....yikes!!!

Ah the way im looking at it now is just a date, if nothing comes from it so be it.

If anything does come from it albeit date 2 or 3 well then thats a bonus

Ruby-J

Well thanks everyone for the advice. It went very well. We had a really lovely evening and I was right hes just a private person. There is a date 2 on the cards so all in all a great time was had by all

Ruby-J

well it turns out that im a bigger idiot then i thought. i texted earlier today and not got a reply nice to be treated like tgat eh. if i ignore her she will go away...i dont understand why he couldnt have just been honest instead of getting my hopes up

I am a friend

You don't seem to be able to handle the uncertainty that goes with the majority of new relationships.

It was rude of him not to reply and, in my book, as it only takes 2 seconds to a response, he should have replied.

He doesn't seem as into this as you are so maybe the best thing for you to do is to delete his number and move on....

In The Sticks

I'd be very careful if I was you Ruby, all you know about this guy is what he has told you, how can you be 100% sure he is what he says he is? Me thinks that you are getting cold feet, let him wait a bit, That way it will give a bit more time to find out more about him, as in Google. You could also phone the company that he is involved in, as in a suprise phone call!!, best of luck and mind yourself.

NSNO

In The Sticks wrote: »

I'd be very careful if I was you Ruby, all you know about this guy is what he has told you, how can you be 100% sure he is what he says he is? Me thinks that you are getting cold feet, let him wait a bit, That way it will give a bit more time to find out more about him, as in Google. You could also phone the company that he is involved in, as in a suprise phone call!!, best of luck and mind yourself.

Or he could genuinely be too busy to reply and would be incredibly freaked out by someone who he had 1 date with calling his workplace out of the blue.

By all means be careful OP, but relax. Stay safe and it'll all work itself out in the end.

Ruby-J

Thanks for the advice everyone. He texted me today as he left his phone at home and was out for a mates birthday last night. I just feel that if he felt as happy about the whole date as i did he wouldve texted yesterday. I guess im probably more interested in him then he is me. To be honest i reckon im just going to knock it on the head...dating is meant to be fun and im not really having fun being in touch with this guy. The uncertainty of it all doesnt bode well with me no and maybe im better off not doing the internet dating thing at the moment.

Thanks everyone i greatly appreciate the advice.

I am a friend

I think his reason is fair enough but if you can't handle it then don't stay to stress yourself more

LegacyUser

Ruby-J wrote: »

Thanks for the advice everyone. He texted me today as he left his phone at home and was out for a mates birthday last night. I just feel that if he felt as happy about the whole date as i did he wouldve texted yesterday. I guess im probably more interested in him then he is me. To be honest i reckon im just going to knock it on the head...dating is meant to be fun and im not really having fun being in touch with this guy. The uncertainty of it all doesnt bode well with me no and maybe im better off not doing the internet dating thing at the moment.

I don't know why you're knocking this on the head. Dating in the real world is the same as internet dating, you really don't know what you're getting. With that in mind, why are you second guessing his every move? If I were in your shoes, I wouldn't be waiting around for a text back. I'd text to say 'I had a lovely time' and if he texted back great, if he didn't, I wouldn't spend my day wondering what I did wrong!! I'd be getting some chores done, going out shopping, meeting friends.....basically whatever it is I do any other Saturday of the year. Don't put your life on hold for someone you barely know.

It takes a long time to build trust between two people. Please don't take his late text as a sign that he's a user, or married, or out for what he can get. It's just one, tiny, inconsequential blip. Ask him out yourself. Pick a date that's suitable for you both. See how you get on. Take it step by step. Stop nit picking and reading into small little gestures/non-gestures, you don't know him well enough to be doing that. Above all, show him respect by taking the time to get to know him instead of assuming he's out to make you look like a fool. Sometimes you have to let your worries and fears go and place a small bit of trust in someone else. That's what dating is all about, and that's what all those friends who are attached or married did in the initial stages of their relationships. And as time went on, they started to trust their partners more and more until they realised that they were the one.

It took me a long time to realise the above, after years of wondering why my friends found it so 'easy' to find partners and I couldn't. Of course it wasn't easy for them either, they too had to take a small leap of faith and place a small bit of trust in someone they didn't know from Adam.

nicechick!

Ruby-J wrote: »

Thanks for the advice everyone. He texted me today as he left his phone at home and was out for a mates birthday last night. I just feel that if he felt as happy about the whole date as i did he wouldve texted yesterday. I guess im probably more interested in him then he is me. To be honest i reckon im just going to knock it on the head...dating is meant to be fun and im not really having fun being in touch with this guy. The uncertainty of it all doesnt bode well with me no and maybe im better off not doing the internet dating thing at the moment.

Thanks everyone i greatly appreciate the advice.

OMG OMG!! SERIOUSLY I'm sorry

I see my nearest and dearest end things before they get started by there constant obsessive need for reassurance especially in the early days of a relationship

Did I not tell you to stop dwelling over things this is a sure way to end a relationship before it stars the obsessive need to ''get reassurance'' by immediate reply to texts is unhealthy!! Its perfectly normal to be self concious, its perfectly normal to be a tad bit nervous take a good look at your previous's mail

1. you'd already judged him telling yourself that he was only looking for one thing and that you were a little uncertain
2. decided things went really well a second date ahead
3. you decided he didn't care and intended on ignoring you because he didn't reply to a text
4. when he did text back eventually (BY THE WAY THIS SUGGEST HE HAS A LIFE AWAY FROM HIS CURRENT ROMANTIC PURSUIT)
5. you decided things should be fun but when the attention isn't on you your unhappy!!


I see this time & time again women in particularly put the onus on someone else to make them happy, the constant need to be reassured that there the ''bees knees'' without I might add taking the time out to pursue there own personnel happiness I really hope your not one of them!!

ruby, really, people don't have to be in contact 24/7. So he went out. Isn't it great he has a life and doesn't sit around waiting for replies?
I think you are overthinking things to be honest.

Ruby-J

bluewolf wrote: »

ruby, really, people don't have to be in contact 24/7. So he went out. Isn't it great he has a life and doesn't sit around waiting for replies?
I think you are overthinking things to be honest.

fair enough maybe i am being insecure so and need to realise that im being silly.