Being in the house alone

gypsy_rose

Hi everyone, I posted this in the phobia forum yesterday but haven't gotten any answers, I apologise for the double posting and the mods can feel free to delete this if necessary.

Basically, I have an awful fear of being in a house alone. My mother is gone to her holiday home in another county but I have to stay here because I got a job for a few days. This means staying in the house alone. When this happens in any house I'm staying in (e.g. in college in my flat alone etc.) my only coping stragey is to drink, have the TV or radio on and the light on in my room. Having the light on means I don't sleep well, and really I will only sleep when daylight comes. This is especially bad in my father's house, I try to avoid being there if possible because I have to sleep with the light on, stay up until I am completely exhausted and succumb to sleep.

If anyone out there has similiar problems could you please give me some advice as to how you cope with it?

I don't want to be drinking all the time to calm myself down and I know in the future there is a good chance I could be living by myself with maybe a job to get up to in the morning and so could not stay up all night till morning comes.

I don't know what exactly I'm afraid of, I just can't go to sleep in the dark like I can when I know other people are in the house, maybe it's a fear of being alone or something, I don't know, I do enjoy my own company.

I'm always just afraid that something is going to get me!
Sounds completely ridiculous and childish, but this is obviously an irrational fear and therefore a phoba.

I'm 21.

Thanks

karaokeman

Is it a matter of lonliness?

If so I would say try to contact your friends in advance of being in the house alone and organise to go to the pub with them or something.

Do it before the time arises when you are alone and you will see a huge difference.

As for sleeping in the dark, just listen to your iPod and play a few songs that make you feel good before you go to sleep and see if that helps. It helps me sometimes.

Good luck.

I am a friend

Do you have a house alarm? I find it hard to sleep in a house, when on my own, if there is no house alarm. If there is an alarm, make sure to use it.

seamus

This fear is something of a vicious circle. When you worry about being alone and the "what if", then you dwell on it and it builds and builds in your head until you're a nervous wreck.

I imagine most people every so often lie in bed and have the thought of, "What if someone broke in", then spend the next 30 minutes lying there worrying about it. Whereas other nights you wouldn't give it a second thought and just drop off to sleep.

Something happening while you're asleep is one of the most primal fears that you can have, and it's natural that as humans we recognise and crave the safety in numbers effect when we want to sleep. At 21, you've likely spent all of your time sleeping in places where there have been other people, such as your family and friends. Sleeping alone in a house is probably something you've rarely had to do, so you've never gotten accustomed to it.

It is just a matter of getting used to it, but the scale of your fear indicates to me that you're going to need more focussed help to take the initial steps - i.e. seeing a professional.
A stopgap measure can be valium or sleeping pills. I would recommend the former as sleeping pills can easily exacerbate an insomnia problem, but in both cases you need to see your doctor. He/she will recommend the best medication to help you get some sleep, and you should ask for a referral to a counsellor or psychologist because taking medication is not a long-term solution.

Darlughda

I used to have this fear.

Right through my 20's, tried hypnosis and used the same coping strategies as you, which are not practical for obvious reasons as you stated.
I never met anyone else who had this so it was very difficult to deal with it, and I was in my early 30's before it went completely.

I now live alone, very happily, and although I do still sleep with a nightlight, I never experience this fear anymore.

I was a big marijuana smoker, which is the worst possible thing to be doing if you have the fear, and I was mad into anything weird and occultish. The combination served to frighten the bejayzus out of myself, and it seems obvious - but don't allow yourself to dwell on things that serve a frightening triggers.

Meditation is a very useful tool. It teaches you how to recognise the the thoughts that tumult through your mind, and let them go, rather than allowing them to overpower you.

Keep your breathing steady. Scary thoughts can accelerate your breathing and this can cause panic, so concentrate on the breathe, breathing in throught the nose slowly for 1-2-3-4 beats, and exhaling for 4 beats through the mouth.
As you concentrate on doing this, the scary thought looses its grip, as your attention is now focused on centering yourself.

Any kind of mantra/prayer works. If you are an atheist, even just four words like 'safe', 'protected', 'calm', 'safe', repeated either out loud or in your mind will help you centre your breathing.

Remember, that you are part of that house, and you are safe. Strangely enough, after my father died in my family home, I felt very safe and protected there afterwards, and that belief really helped me loose the fear.

Houses make noise. Learn how to accept that rather than trying to analyse the cause for every creak. Leave the tv and radio and lights on if that makes you feel more comfortable, but too much alcohol might trigger the fear so try to ease on that.

It does get easier, the more opportunities you get to spend the night alone.

Gilda Fortune

Im exactly the same. But im married. when my husband goes away for a night or two i have to take a sleeping pill. its the only way i will sleep. i never take them at any other time.
we live in a very rural area and i think thats why i get afraid. my neighbours are a good bit away.
we even have a dog but he doesnt help.
I know im being highly irrational but nothing helps.

In the short term i would say ring ur doctor today and get a few sleeping pills just enough to get your through the few nights till your mam returns. and only take one.

gypsy_rose

Thanks for all the replies, I don't feel quite so alone in this now!

Honestly, I have tried to just get used to it many times, I tell myself during the day that I'll be fine, but once 6 or 7pm comes I can feel myself starting to quietly panic. I hole myself up either in my room or the sitting room, close the curtains and stay there awake until morning comes and I feel safe enough to sleep. Did this last night and got to sleep about 8 in the morning, had about 4 hours sleep and then had to get up and do something at the bank, am wrecked now! It would be OK if it didn't get in the way of my normal life but it really does.

Sometimes I'll get to sleep with the radio on but I really cannot have the light off, it's just too much, so sometimes I have a lamp.

Can you really get a good night's sleep with a nightlight? I always feel like shi/t when I wake up sleeping in light.

I was thinking about getting sleeping pills today so I may look into that, but like Seamus said, I've had this problem for a long time now and it isn't going away, so maybe I should consider seeing a counsellor or something, I was just hoping someone might have a magic solution here! Though your advice has been good, keep it coming

I have had friends over sometimes and my boyfriend is coming to stay the next few days with me so it's OK for the time being, but I just want to be able to be in a house alone and be independent without having this ridiculous thing looming over me

swanangel

Hey,

Stop telling yourself it's ''completely ridiculous and childish'' it's not at all, if someone said that to you it's just because they don't understand the anxiety and fear you feel.

I can relate to you, especially when you say '' I will only sleep when daylight comes'' that's just like me, if I'm in the house on my own at night I leave the TV on in the room with no sound, will sleep bits and pieces but when I see the daylight I get this huge feeling of calm and relief the only thing that is different is that now it's related to panic attacks and fear of having them alone at night, always had this uneasy feeling as a kid at night and had panic attacks at night as a child but did not know what they were so that only fed the fear more, but it's only in the last few years that I don't like my partner to go away at night, out is fine but away overnight is different.

It's very frustrating as I really love to be by myself, does your Mother know about this?
Is it more when your Mother is away, as in if a friend was staying with you would you be fine, or is it that you get afraid when she is not around at night?
My partner knows and worries about leaving me alone if he goes away, it's not like I'm afraid of being burgled or anything, I'm more afraid of the fear I may feel (viscous circle)

Why do you drink, is it because it makes you feel calmer or you think it will help you sleep?
I would be the opposite where as I would not drink, I want to know I am in total control and can drive to a family member if I need too, I have xanex which I can take if I want to or sleeping tablets, but it's always better to try other things first instead of tablets if you can.

My advice for the long term would be to look into Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, (CBT has served as a powerful and effective tool in combating issues such as depression, anxiety, phobias, overeating, anger and relationship issues. It is a time limited talk therapy.) if I had the money I would defo have done this for any of my anxiety issues rather then taking medication, although I have no problem taking it, it would just be nicer not to have to take tablets you know yourself.

If funds are low you could I'm sure as you are trying to do now just get as much info or advice from people/the net as possible, I read a lot of stuff that's helped me and when I wake up during the night now if I feel a panic attack coming on I can use the self talk techniques to calm myself down, I also have my pets sleep with me in the room, it really is a matter of finding what will work for you and don't listen to anyone who dismisses your fear or the old 'grow up' and 'get over it' fear or indeed fear of fear is a terrible thing but there is help out there you just need to find what works for you.

gypsy_rose

Thanks SwanAngel,

No it's not any big attachment to my mother, it's as long as I know that someone is in the house that I'm OK, no matter who it is :P

When I had a flat in Dublin sometimes my flatmates would be away but I never felt as bad because it was attached to other flats so I knew I wasn't alone. I really don't want to have to take tablets or anything because at the moment at least this doesn't happen too often, but I know as I get older it probably will. A pet would probably help actually. I've never really had panic attacks or bad experiences much which is why I feel like it's a bit silly myself, it's not like I've ever had real problems like other people, but I suppose this is kind of a real problem :P I also got really awful nightmares for about 6 months, the kind that make you wake up in a cold sweat, and they kind of made me not want to have to sleep, haven't gotten them in a little while now though.

SwanAngel is totally right about it being more the fear of fear itself than anything else though, one time I was going to stay here alone and the electricity went out and I completely lost it, luckily it was a Friday so I just called people and went out to the nightclub instead, but you can't do that everytime.

swanangel

I thought you would actually laugh at the pet idea as some people think I'm strange when I say I feel better when they are there, but seriously it helps, I wake up all terrified etc and here are these two little men (dogs) ready & waiting to stay up the whole night with me if so and they listen, yes listen when I'm like 'lads I'm a bit freaked out right now'!

Well that's good that it's not just related to an attachment to your Mother, as that could be a bit more difficult to work through. ( Sorry I had actually typed my last post out & posted it, then saw your one about you boyfriend coming over etc)

Ah no I wouldn't say because you haven't had panics attacks etc in relation to it that it is not a real problem, I mean you sit up the whole night feeling scared, that's awful!

Yeah the fear of fear, it's an awful cycle to get out of. I think if you feel this will always affect you in the future you should look into CBT, counselling etc, although it would be nice to find the root of the problem which might well be your nightmares, hynotherapy helped my friend find out in the first session why she had a phobia, you guessed it, it was a little childhood incident.
Oh BTW I get my BF to leave me with a torch when he goes away, the power has not got yet but I'm prepared.
Your nightmares sound awful, are you afraid of having one when you are alone?

I know those things are expensive but if at some stage you could get the money think of yourself in the future, in the house with a dog, watching DVD's with the light off, you will be flying, your poor boyfriend won't be invited for any more slumber parties!;)

gubbie

Honestly I'm the exact same way. And I've never met someone with the same thing. I'm 24 now. My parents are also going away on holiday so I'm going to be by myself for a while. This only happens when I'm on my own and only in a house. Freaks me out more because I have a cat and sometimes I hear her moving...

I always make sure all the downstairs and upstairs windows are locked. It puts my mind at rest.

I find that if I try and make the most of the sun that helps too, ie, I go to bed around 10 (in the summer) and get up early so I'm exhausted in the evening.

I also think sleeping with the cat helps! If you have an animal it's pretty reassuring.

Also don't watch any horror movies! Duh. Don't even watch Midsommer Murders. Stick to lame ones like Glee and Chick Flicks. It'll at least get your mind off things. Even some news stories used to freak me out!

I honestly wouldn't suggest medication. I find the feeling I get is the exact same as something like spiders. I used to be afraid of spiders but then I decided it was an irrational fear. It didn't change overnight but I had to take small steps. Maybe you could start with not having a full light, but a side light in a corner or a dimmer so you get a small amount of light, something like THIS!.

If you're planning on going out some night, I used to find that leaving lights on in the front of the house and then locking up parts of the back helps.

I agree with meditation. If you feel yourself starting to get the fear, take deep breaths, calm yourself down and remind yourself that everything's ok. Sometimes I feel like I want to run but I force myself to walk normally.

gypsy_rose

"Your nightmares sound awful, are you afraid of having one when you are alone?"

Yeah, I've had ones once or twice when I've been alone in the house and they were awful, waking up in the middle of the night in the dark!
I had these really horrible zombie ones for a long time ,but that was because I was very worried about something quite serious that I couldn't avoid, but that's been dealt with now so I don't get them much anymore.

The horror film thing is definitly a big thing, when I was a kid I loved horror films, watched the Exorcist, all the zombie films I could get my hands on and loved ghost stories, it's really come back to bite me in the a/ss, especially that film the Ring!

Pets do help definilty, I have a dog and she's lovely, but the problem is my mother brings her to my holiday home because this house is very small and she loves the holiday home so much, I couldn't deprive the poor dog of that!

Oh and SwanAngel, my bf is down here just because he had a few days off work and wanted to see me, I didn't drag him down or anything :P

I agree with the bit about doing things in stages, I'm going to write down exactly how I feel and put my thoughts in order and come up with a strategy, maybe move on to having the light off with some music on a low volume.
But if that doesn't work I'm going to look into the counsellors/ etc. that you suggested.

Thanks for all your help guys, but I'm guessing that I've gotten all the help from you I'm going to get, if anyone has anything new to contribute to this thread you can write it here or send me a PM if this thread is very old.

Thanks

Lady Chatterton

When I first moved in our house with my husband a few years ago I found it very difficult to be alone at night when he was away with work etc. I found that having lights in the house helped, the house is alarmed and my husband got panic buttons fitted for me etc. However, I used to find listening to audiobooks in bed or leaving the TV on low in the room really helpful. I no longer feel anxious but I know that if we moved house in the morning I would probably go back to feeling anxious again until I got used to my new surroundings.

LegacyUser

Watch a few comedy movies or tv shows before going to bed and get a good laugh.
Don't watch anything scary, OR any upsetting and sad type of things.

Keep your mobile fully charged beside you at all times with 999 as the last dialled number.
Just diall it but hang up before it starts ringing.
This way it will be your last dialled and you will only have to press your dial button for it to ring immediately.
What might be an even better idea is to get your nearest garda station number and keep that as your last dialled instead. So the phonecall is literally only 1 button press away and you won't have to fumbling about looking for the number.

It might put your mind at some ease to keep a few legal weapons about your bedside.
You might also feel safer keeping your bedroom door locked from the inside, although some people do not like this incase of a fire.

On that point have a fire escape route planned from every area in the house, and make sure all appliances are plugged out, just for your own peace of mind.

If you have any neighbors, befriend them. If they seem a decent sort, you could ask them to call you if they ever see anything suspicious about your house. Give them your number, and let them them know that you will return the favor by reporting anything suspicious by getting their number too.
Only do this if they seem like good people, maybe a nice friendly couple or person who also lives alone, or people with a family, or people who your family know.
It's a great thing to have good neighbors who you know you can go to for help if needed.

It might seem a bit like something from Home Alone, but if you don't have an alarm you could put a few noisy items stacked beside downstairs windows and doors that would cause a racket by an intruder to alert you.
It doesn't have to be anything elaborate maybe just a couple of glasses, some cutlery or some tins etc.

Get a large dog. A rottweiler is a good choice. They are beautiful dogs, with the most loving and playful nature when raised correctly, but most people are shít scared of them, so they might deter some intruders.

When finally you are in bed, youtube has some really relaxing music and meditation videos.
I would recommend you make a playlist comprised of Lita mind massage and meditation clips (she has the most relaxing voice in the world), and also try some whisper videos.
Just click play all videos, lie back close your eyes and you should be asleep very soon.
Lita and the whisper videos seem to be the only thing that can help me with my insomnia, although I have to be already a bit tired before they work.

Best of luck!

Whispered

Agree with the above, put your mind to nice things before sleep like watching a comedy, or better still, a good (happy) book, a dim light and read yourself to sleep.

On the matter of getting a dog - please don't do this. Not unless you want one anyway. My dogs give me a feeling of security but they are a hell of a lot of work - so unless you want a dog for other reasons, getting one because you have a fear of being alone could end up burdening you.

Please try to stop drinking to cope. I don't know about you, but I get "the fear" so bad after a few drinks and as the alcohol is leaving my body - everything is a million times worse, I have cried and worried over the silliest things because of a few drinks the night before. If I'm in any way anxious at all, alcohol just magnifies it. I know that at the time it might help but I'd imagine it's making things much worse in the long run.

I've recently had to start sleeping with ear plugs in as I'm only able to sleep during the day (working nights) and I felt very very vulnerable at first. I lock my bedroom door, and I keep my phone right beside the bed. I text my husband to say I'm going to sleep and if he's going to be home early to text and let me know, so I don't wake to the noise of the front door opening. I don't use blackout curtains, but I do have an eye mask, so if I hear a muffled sound I can pull up the mask much quicker than I can get out of bed to open the curtains. maybe you could do this with a small light?

Xanax might be something to speak to your doctor about. It's something I have to take when I'm flying. It relaxes you enough to cope and think clearly, but it doesn't make you dosy or feel like you couldn't react if you had to.

gubbie

Whispered wrote: »

On the matter of getting a dog - please don't do this. Not unless you want one anyway. My dogs give me a feeling of security but they are a hell of a lot of work - so unless you want a dog for other reasons, getting one because you have a fear of being alone could end up burdening you.

A big dog in a small house will require a lot of extra work. We have a small dog who's been trained to bark if anyone approaches the house. (She of course shuts up as soon as the person gets into the house but it's still very useful).

Having a phone beside you is also very useful. I'm always wary of having too many helpers beside me, because I feel I might become reliant on them, making the problem worse. At the moment you seem to only be able to sleep with the light on. Try making it dimmer with time (you could move the lamp away from you, clearly don't put anything that could cause a fire over it!).

Don't go to bed too late and try and distract yourself. But not too much, if that makes sense. I don't know if you get it too, but one of the worst things to happen is if I start going on the internet when it's bright and then I look up 2 hours later and the house is pitch dark because it's after going dark outside! Freaks me out completely!

Also, I've heard a great way of getting yourself really tired is by reading a book in bed. Read something you enjoy, or funny and happy that will get you really tired and then all you want to do is fall off. Put on some low music so that you don't panic about the normal creaks in the house.

I suppose you could try all of our tips, mix and match them to see what helps the most for you.

stacexD

I am like that aswell.
At home I usually have the tv on (volume off or as low as it goes and the brightness is turned down on it too) it still creeps me out a bit. Several times while I'm trying to get to sleep I look around the room or even shine the light of my phone around the room.
In my college house I was worse than at home for some reason and dreaded even being left alone from 12-2am if i wasn't going out that night. I had no tv there so i left a small gap in the curtains just enough to take the edge off.
I found the best way to deal with it was to turn the light off and use the light on my phone to have a look around then when that went off have a good look around until I adapted to the new light levels.
I know it sounds more like a fear of the dark but I found that knowing my surroundings once I got into bed made me feel a lot more at ease about whatever else i was expecting to happen.
I'd usually look around for about 10 mins in darkness then close my eyes happy that there were no monsters/rapists/robbers/murderers/ghosts around ^_^
And of course having your phone by your pillow always gives you a bit of peace of mind.

vicecreamsundae

I get that a bit too OP, though more mildly!
I've never lived alone, always had roomates and usually a good few at a time, so it would be very rare to be alone! the last couple weeks i've been house sitting/ dog sitting while my brothers away on holiday and it's the first time i've spent so many nights alone! having the dog helps i think, even though he's a bit of a softie. i always make a point of checking the doors are locked and windows are closed while it's still bright. (checking them when it's dark and finding one wasnt locked makes me think someone could be hiding in the house! SO ridiculous i know!

i find having a light on comforting too, maybe get a light that can dim really low?
also, instead of staying up late watching tv or something, try going into bed reasonable early -perhaps with a book or laptop.

finally i think the one thing that might help most is practice! i think the more often you do it and it's uneventful, the more confident you'll become with it.

theg81der

I`m 30 and still like this, now I just don`t stay alone its just a non starter. I go to stay with friends if my hubbys away. Alot of women are like this its not uncommon. Last time I had to stay alone I used meditations to put me to sleep like :

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrK96PIalTk

That way there is silence after and your laptop goes onto hibernate so theres no light either.