Uncomfortable with flirting, am I being oversensitive?

LegacyUser

So here is the situation. Flirting is fine and I understand that many people do it for fun. I live in an area where it's almost a given that most people do it not for any serious reason but just as kind of a joke thing. A social lubricant, if you will. It's not meant with any seriousness and when the jokeyness of it is obvious it doesn't make me uncomfortable. However in other situations it does, and I just wanted to check and see if this is my issue or if what I'm feeling is more normal than not.

The most recent situation where it made me uncomfortable was with a married man with children. Now there is another man like this who flirts with me but again, it's a social thing and it's so over the top that it's comical, and he does it right in front of his wife and it's very playful and non-threatening. This other person, though, does it in a kind of way that makes me uncomfortable. We work together, and he has an overly broad smile on his face any time he passes my desk, and he nearly always says something to me so that I have to acknowledge him. That isn't the part that makes me uncomfortable, though. He recently started asking me what kind of coffee I like, and offering to buy me coffee. That also wouldn't be noteworthy if not for the fact that I refused and he went and got it anyway. He was rather embarrassed when as he was delivering it, he noticed that I already had a cup on my desk. That was bad enough, but then he made it worse by objecting to my refusal of his offer, saying that I should let him "spoil me".

Is it me, or does this kind of behavior cross a line? I didn't know until just today that he was married. I suspected he was, but I had been trying to think of his flirtations as just annoying and not anything to be too worked up about. But today I find out that he is married with children and I can't help thinking that that comment is just out of line, and it bothers me.

Am I making things up to justify my being uncomfortable around him? Or is there something very wrong with those actions?

I am a friend

amibeingweird wrote: »

is there something very wrong with those actions?

I think he is acting above and beyond the call of duty and if he told me again that I should let him spoil 'me', I would tell him, I would rather he spoiled his wife.

Maybe if you come across as someone who doesnt enjoy some flirting /banter they are doing it to get a rise out of you?? Childish but possible..

lil-ms-vodka

Take it as a compliment!! Personally wouldn't think it was an issue

Distorted

I'm with you on this one OP. I find flirting a bit pointless at best and occasionally annoying or embarrassing. I find I have to be in a certain kind of mood or situation even to enjoy it occasionally, generally not in work! I agree with you that a married man flirting is totally inappropriate. Some of them seem to play on the fact that you are too embarrassed to tell them to feck off!

Elle Collins

I think that you need to listen to your gut feelings on this matter OP, and stop second guessing yourself. Your own instincts will not set you wrong and you ought to listen to them.

As for taking married mens advances as "a compliment" - there is a big difference between complimentary and sleazy.

LittleBook

There are two very important (to my mind) distinctions between the two men you mention in your post.

amibeingweird wrote: »

man like this who flirts with me but again, it's a social thing and it's so over the top that it's comical, and he does it right in front of his wife and it's very playful and non-threatening.

amibeingweird wrote: »

This other person, though ... We work together

If a married work colleague carried on like that and insisted I let him "spoil me", I'd tell him to feck off and go spoil his wife.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your responses, I'm satisfied now that it's not my hang up at play here.

I didn't know he was married when he said it, so I couldn't say any smart answers, but just the yuckiness of having him say that after I'd said no was enough to cause me to make a sour face at him. He stopped by my desk late today and asked why I was working late, if there was anything he could help with, offered to bring me coffee *again*. This is just tedious. I know he's not going by other people's desks and offering to help them with their work or bring them coffee so it bothers me. I was short but not rude with my replies but his smile is creeping me out even more now. I think tomorrow I'll start picking up my coffee cup when he walks by to stop him from asking.

I am a friend

Do you Actually know him or has he just started calling by your desk?

Warm Panda Cola

Hmm, I've seen similar situations to this as well in my work place, guy in question is married with two kids & has a fairly high up job. It started with the offer of coffees, and then swiftly progressed into inappropriate emailing which I had to report. My advice is to continue ignoring the coffee offers, be civil but very obvious that it's strictly on a polite level. If you're uncomfortable, you are uncomfortable for a reason, try and put as much distance between yourself and the situation and the possibility of even more awkward situations occurring.

nesbitt

OP you need to simply 'close down' useful technique to avoid any unwanted advances.

Don't smile at the guy or encourage him, sounds like he is being an ejitt really.

Simply say if he persists with the coffee routine, that you don't want coffee and you are busy with work and can't talk.... Try and give him the brush off without being too rude afterall you have to see the guy in work etc.

Just be disinterested end of....

LegacyUser

No, I don't know him. He only just started working here recently and started acting weird right away. The coffee nonsense started after him being here maybe two weeks or so.

And of course I'm not smiling at him. Like I'd want to give him any indication at all that I have any pleasant feelings toward him. So apparently I have come by this closing down method quite naturally.

At first I did smile and I was pleasant, of course, because I do that to everyone. I work at the front desk so that is part of my job. However he has made it impossible for me to have that demeanor with him so I scarcely even make eye contact now. I will look up and respond with hello or good morning but that's it. I do my job and there are no extra pleasantries exchanged between us, as he seems not to want to treat me as a co-worker.