Friends or more? How to know?

LegacyUser

Hi Folks, Long time poster but going Unreg for obvious reasons

Here's the situation...
I think I'm in love with my best girl friend! Lets call her 'C' and given our history I'm at a loss as to what to do

I'll give a bit of background, we know each other @ 12yrs and worked together for a while when we lived abroad(During which time apart from friendship nothing happened...I was in a serious LTR that led to marriage ).
When I moved back to Ireland we fell out of touch, as she stayed foreign and hey there was no FB back in the day
Anyway fast forward to about 4 yrs ago and we got back in touch again(through Bebo of all things)

Now at this stage I was only recently widowed and glad of the contact......Grief can be very lonely even when you are surrounded by friends
So anyway our friendship picked up again and even though we live at opposite sides of the country, we saw each other fairly regularly.
She travelled with work so she was in my area at least once a month and we'd meet up and go for dinner and drinks and so on...

Now I'll be honest here, this girl sparks a smile in me and a happiness that I honestly thought died when I lost my wife....and thats just having her as a friend Nothing else...
She is an absolute diamond.
Here's the thing though, over the last few years we've had a couple of BF/GF moments, and even ended up in bed together.
Where I couldn't rise to the occassion(Truth be told it was a mental block.....even though I'm now widowed over 4 yrs,I felt like I was cheating)
This 'Failure' happened twice and I don't see how any girl could look at it as anyting other than a rejection of some kind
I mean a guy in his late 20's early 30's isn't suppossed to have an ED issue( no matter that its psychological)

Aside from that there have been a few other things such as trips away with mates where wires crossed and people interfering along with fear of a talk led to not knowing if we were away as a couple or as mates(Stupid I know!!!!)
We still spend a lot of time together and are in very regular contact, so I know at least whatever else happens we're still mates

We are away for a few days again soon and will be again before the summer is over and I'm totally torn on what to do....
Hand on heart, I'm mad about the girl but I'd rather have her as a friend(And despite the above we still are ) Than to risk losing her due to pushing something that isn't there for her at least.
I know I've rambled on a bit folks but any advice will be appreciated cos I'm lost.

I am a friend

Well she is still in contact with you since your small flings so I woudl think she likes you too, as more then a friend.

OP, as you know, life is short and maybe its time to take a bit of a risk and talk to her when you see her. Would you rather lose her to another man (because you never acted) or take the small chance that you will lose her as a friend cos she doesnt feel the same.

Go on... Give it a go.

LegacyUser

I am a friend wrote: »

Well she is still in contact with you since your small flings so I woudl think she likes you too, as more then a friend.

OP, as you know, life is short and maybe its time to take a bit of a risk and talk to her when you see her. Would you rather lose her to another man (because you never acted) or take the small chance that you will lose her as a friend cos she doesnt feel the same.

Go on... Give it a go.

Hiya OP here. Yeah I know I should grasp the chance and see what happens....
As for losing her to another man because I never acted......
As conceited as this sounds.....
If she's happy, then thats the best I could hope for and if its with someone else so be it.....
Much as I'd like it to be me.

I just wish I had a magic wand or a psychic helmet that could give me some insight into her head.
Because I'm so long outta the couples game I'm lost when it comes to reading or even misreading signals.

I am a friend

Need a clue? wrote: »

I just wish I had a magic wand or a psychic helmet that could give me some insight into her head.
Because I'm so long outta the couples game I'm lost when it comes to reading or even misreading signals.

Look you have ended up in bed together thats a good signal.. Because you didnt act after that she may think thats all you wanted and may be suppressing her 'signals'. Get rid of that self defeatist attitude 'well as long as she is happy' rubbish..... Ask her out!!! You are both grown adults. What have you got to lose?

squonk

When I started reading your post I'd assumed your marriage had hit the rocks but I'm sorry to hear about your wife. I became even more touched as I read on. You get a lot of stuff on here about partners cheating on each other and all sorts of other things that really boil down to people's selfishness or individuals trying to take advantage of others. Your story is a refreshing break from all that.

I would say definitely go for it,. I think you'll still be friends anyway. I can't see her saying No to be honest, she might at least give it a try. To be honest I think you've got a bit beyond the strictly 'friends' boundaries at this point so it's not that big a leap. Just don't doubt yourself as it sounds like you're trying to talk yourself out of this. We don't get many chances to be happy so you should grab this with both hands!

I really, really hope this works out well for you, and I expect it will. Thanks also for blind siding me! I wasn't expecting to read something that showed the deeply good side of relationships and you've certainly stopped me in my tracks. Well done sir and I hope, really hope this all works out very well for you.

premierlass

Don't you think she might be completely understanding of your loss and what you were going through and is only waiting for you to be ready for a relationship again?

G'wan, ask her out. Even if she says no, your friendship needn't suffer. It's come through a lot already.

LegacyUser

@Squonk, Thanks. I was lucky to have the time I shared with my wife and will always be grateful for it But I guess what it boils down to is that no matter how much I want to live in the past....I can't and anyway its not healthy!
And now when I close my eyes and think about 5 yrs from now, yeah I miss what I've lost and in truth that part of me is gone, But I can see a new part of me.....Happy and with her!
Its the 1st time since I've been widowed I've seen something other than regrets and loneliness down the road

@I am a friend; You're right, and reading back what I wrote above I can't believe I'm prevaricating the way I am......
But truth be told its fear...
You asked what have I got to lose.Her! If we try and it doesn't pan out......I'm risking losing one of my best friends.

@PremierLass; She understands me better than I do I think...
But I can't start something with someone I care about as much as I do her without the worry of it turning out to be my rebound and it all going tits up.....
I may overthink things a bit

LegacyUser

Op! I agree with everyone here in that you should go for it!
Take the chance and see what happens........
They do do say faint heart never won fair maiden

I am a friend

Need a clue? wrote: »

@I am a friend; You're right, and reading back what I wrote above I can't believe I'm prevaricating the way I am......

Well its easy for me to sit here and dish out advice to you. I like to think I would risk it in your shoes J

Need a clue? wrote: »

But truth be told its fear...

Perfectly normal and it shows you are taking her feeling and the friendship issue into account.

Need a clue? wrote: »

You asked what have I got to lose.Her! If we try and it doesn't pan out......I'm risking losing one of my best friends.

I know. But what have you got to gain???

You have already been through the worst thing ever so if it doesnt pan out it wont be that bad....

LegacyUser

Well folks just thought i'd let Ye know that its 'more than friends'
We had a chat and turns out we both have fairly strong feelings for each other
Still baby steps from here on though but at least we're gonna try taking them

I am a friend

need a clue? wrote: »

Well folks just thought i'd let Ye know that its 'more than friends'
We had a chat and turns out we both have fairly strong feelings for each other
Still baby steps from here on though but at least we're gonna try taking them

That is fantastic news!!! Well done. Fortune favours the brave

Hope all goes great for ye. you just made my day - it's nice to hear good news! Enjoy

Miss Fluff

need a clue? wrote: »

Well folks just thought i'd let Ye know that its 'more than friends'
We had a chat and turns out we both have fairly strong feelings for each other
Still baby steps from here on though but at least we're gonna try taking them

Yay!! \o/

Piglet85

Well done OP! Delighted for you both. Hope it works out really well.

Just one suggestion, though. Talk to her about the ED issues. She will absolutely understand where you're coming from, I guarantee it, but if you say nothing then it may lead to anxiety on your part about whether it will happen again and if so will she get the wrong end of the stick, leading to a vicious circle. If you think it's an elephant in the room, best deal with it now.

However, if you think it's unlikely to be a problem or don't feel any awkwardness around it/want to make an issue of it, you can of course say nothing, but definitely explain it to her if it does happen again. Start communicating honestly with her now, it's the best basis for any new relationship. Good luck!

Herrick

need a clue? wrote: »

Well folks just thought i'd let Ye know that its 'more than friends'
We had a chat and turns out we both have fairly strong feelings for each other
Still baby steps from here on though but at least we're gonna try taking them

God OP this has actually brightened up my day a little I really hope things work out for ye

premierlass

Aww, I knew she was interested.

That's a lovely update, hope it goes well for both of you.

booboo88

need a clue? wrote: »

Well folks just thought i'd let Ye know that its 'more than friends'
We had a chat and turns out we both have fairly strong feelings for each other
Still baby steps from here on though but at least we're gonna try taking them

Awww im frickin delighted for you
xxxxx

In The Sticks

Like some of the other peeps said in here life is too short, I think you have gone through enough sadness over the past few years, it's time to move on, I am sure that your wife would be only glad to see you happy again, The mental block thing can be sorted perhaps by counselling. Hope it all works out for you, best of luck.

LegacyUser

Folks,
OP here, thanks a million for the good wishes They're much appreciated.
I've spent the years since my wife's death missing part of me.
When I was out in company I felt like 1 side of a coin that was missing its other side, I wasn't complete anymore.
And with this girl, I feel like that coin has been refinished....
Different, yes... But different is good too!
But still good! When I'm with her I don't feel alone in a crowd anymore

Like I said in earlier post its baby steps and Long Distance to boot....
But feck it!
Sometimes ya just haveta grasp the fire and hope! Otherwise you're not really living....Just surviving!

LegacyUser

Hi folks!
OP here, I Just want to thank everyone here for the advice and the support everyone offered me on this thread !

And just to give a little update too
The girl in question has gone home today after spending a week down with me, not only was it a fantastic week.....the other issue(with the ED) has also been kicked to the kerb

I knew the only place there was a problem in that regard was in my own head anyway....
But she never made an issue of it, built my confidence and took me by suprise :P

Can't wait to see her again now

Thanks again folks.

Miss Fluff

Awww

gerryk

I'm getting the warm 'n' fuzzies reading this thread. All too often, RI is full of bad news and trauma... nice to read a happy ending.

Happy for you, OP.

squonk

I'm delighted this worked out OP! I kind of thought it would though. It's not often you check this board, read a message and go away feeling the world is a better place for the time you spent on here, which is the case today so thanks OP!

I wish you the best of luck and every good wish!

Maple

Delighted for you OP, it's always great to see something work out.

However, I'm locking your thread so that other posters do not end up replying to an issue that has been resolved.

Best of luck

Maple