Is it normal for people in healthy relationships to check out other people?

LegacyUser

I'm in a long term relationship and I'll admit that I suffer from self-esteem issues for which I'm going to counselling. If I'm walking down the street or driving and I see my OH look in the direction of an attractive lady I feel so jealous and insecure.

On the other hand if I see someone attractive I'll look away as I feel it's a betrayal.

I know I have insecurity issues but is this normal? Are men programmed to look at attractive women or am I just being silly?

Wibbs

Better suited to here

aidan24326

LHorvath wrote: »

I'm in a long term relationship and I'll admit that I suffer from self-esteem issues for which I'm going to counselling. If I'm walking down the street or driving and I see my OH look in the direction of an attractive lady I feel so jealous and insecure.

On the other hand if I see someone attractive I'll look away as I feel it's a betrayal.

I know I have insecurity issues but is this normal? Are men programmed to look at attractive women or am I just being silly?

Yes you are being silly, and yes men will always look at a hot girl. It's instinctive. It's not the fact that a guy looks at a girl but how he looks at her. If he's looking and thinking 'I wish I was with her' then that's abviously a problem, but if it's just a fleeting glance that's harmless.

I have a girlfriend of almost 3 years that I'm very happy with but that wouldn't stop me from appreciating a gorgeous looking girl in an aesthetic sense. That's normal and not at all harmful unless you take it further and start acting on it. If you're happy in your relationship then just go with it and be happy that he wants to be with you and you with him. Don't fall into the trap of over-analysing or over-thinking it because that can be damaging.

gargleblaster

Yes it is completely normal to appreciate good looking people of both sexes, whether you're in a relationship or not.

I wouldn't say you're being silly though, that's a bit dismissive. I would think it has to do with some issues that you haven't dealt with. It isn't simply about jealousy since you seem to restrict yourself from appreciating attractive people, despite the fact that he most likely doesn't care (so long as you aren't wishing you were with this other person). You obviously don't feel secure in the relationship but I doubt that his keeping blinders on would make you feel secure. Something else is the problem and I suspect you probably know that already.

Do you really feel that you've somehow betrayed him by simply noticing an attractive person? If so, why? Does it indicate to you that you think less of your partner? That you love him any less? It's simply being aware of your surroundings, and noticing the opposite sex. That doesn't stop simply because you're in love.

I hope you can get to the heart of the problem so that you can enjoy your relationship. Good luck.

LegacyUser

OP here,

My problem is that I have been cheated on in the past and feel threatened by these women, again this is to do with my own insecurities. I'm working on being stronger in myself and appreciating myself but it's hard. He tells me every day I'm beautiful and doesn't give me any reason to think he's cheating or would cheat.

I am a friend

LHorvath wrote: »

OP here,

My problem is that I have been cheated on in the past and feel threatened by these women, again this is to do with my own insecurities. I'm working on being stronger in myself and appreciating myself but it's hard. He tells me every day I'm beautiful and doesn't give me any reason to think he's cheating or would cheat.

Well maybe you are not in the right place / head space to be in a relationship. Maybe you need more time to heal before getting into a serious relationship as this level of insecurity is not good for your or him. It could cause substantial damage to your relationship, which in turn could cause you futher insecurity...

Devon Brown

OP, you are right. It is your insecurities that is driving this. And if they are this severe, I would suggest perhaps looking into counseling to assist.

It is perfectly natural for people to look at others they consider attractive. It is hard wired into our nature. Men and women. It is not a betrayal. A betrayal would be if he did something.

Don't hold your boyfriend or yourself to a standard that can't possibly be unheld.

Good luck.

gargleblaster

LHorvath wrote: »

OP here,

My problem is that I have been cheated on in the past and feel threatened by these women, again this is to do with my own insecurities. I'm working on being stronger in myself and appreciating myself but it's hard. He tells me every day I'm beautiful and doesn't give me any reason to think he's cheating or would cheat.

I completely sympathize with you here. I have gone through the same thing, and have a hard time fighting off those insecurities sometimes. It's something that many people deal with, some more than others. But what you need to realize is that just as you notice those attractive men, you don't think any less of your partner do you? You still love him just as much? And you have no desire to ever be with those men you notice but force yourself to look away from?

I would suggest that you try to learn from those experiences, rather than force yourself to turn away. Turning away is only reinforcing your belief that noticing attractive people is some kind of betrayal. It really isn't. You have done it, and you love your man. Take note of that, and know that he feels the same about you when he notices other women. It's not fair to him to judge him by the actions of others. (Here again, I've done that myself, nobody is perfect so don't be hard on yourself.) Fear is a powerful thing to overcome. But you can do it, you know you can. Your relationship is worth it.

Skuxx

LHorvath wrote: »

I'm in a long term relationship and I'll admit that I suffer from self-esteem issues for which I'm going to counselling. If I'm walking down the street or driving and I see my OH look in the direction of an attractive lady I feel so jealous and insecure.

On the other hand if I see someone attractive I'll look away as I feel it's a betrayal.

I know I have insecurity issues but is this normal? Are men programmed to look at attractive women or am I just being silly?

I think its 100% normal OP, I do it all the time and I know herself does too!! Usually we'd say nothing to each other or else she might say something like "put your eyes back in your head" or "you might trade me in her for one day!"...basically we just laugh it off! It means nothing, certainly in our relationship anyway, I've never been happier than I am with my current girlfriend, I'm sure its the same for your O/H!!

SheFiend

Perfectly normal. Being in a relationship does not make one blind to other people, and you shouldn't expect it to. I think the difference between men and women in general is that women are quite skilled / practiced at controlling some reactions, whereas men are generally more honest / less contrived.
I may get a tonne of abuse for that, but it's my honest opinion

Contessa Raven

It's perfectly normal for both sexes to do this. I love my boyfriend 110% and I know he's the man I'll spend my life with. However, that doesn't mean that I am suddenly blind to attractive guys.
If I notice a hot guy walking down the street, I may glance twice at him (discreetly!) and think "Nice!" but that doesn't mean I think he's better looking than my partner or that I want to run off with him.

lace

Hi OP!

It's perfectly normal for men and women who are in relationships to look at attractive people (of both sexes). It's pure human nature.

We're all programmed to oogle attractive individuals because (speaking in terms of basic human nature) we're all looking for the best breeding stock and the pretty ones tend to have the best genes.

Looking at someone who's attractive isn't in any way betraying your other half. Looking at someone doesn't mean you want them more than your current partner or that they're any better than what you have now. It's just a look.

It's okay to be a little bit jealous. This is perfectly normal too. When we find a mate we generally want to keep them and tend to be wary when their eyes wander. Attractive people can be a little intimidating.

The point where it becomes a big problem is when it starts to make you feel insecure and upsets you as much as you have described. Your counsellor is probably the best person to help you through this. Your OH also seems to be doing what he can to help so at least you know you've picked a good one!

Humria

I'd tend to agree with the others but it basically depends on the way he does it. Basically, is it just a quick glance or does he draw it out? Is he just looking due to a natural reaction or do you feel that he is making a bit of a show of it? I think it's normal to look but at the same time you should try and not make it completely obvious to your partner. Some people get a kick out of making their partner's jealous. I'm not suggesting that's what is happening here (from your post I wouldn't think it is) but I thought it was worth putting it out there in case.

blodvyn

It's normal.

I know this isin't the best example, but if someone comes on the TV thats a good looking guy, my gf always throws in the odd jaysus he's gorgeous, It doesn't bother me in the SLIGHTEST. Firstly cause he's on tv and its semi-normal but secondly cause I know its just harmless appreciation.

I can appreciate a good looking girl, doesn't ever mean I'd act on it.

It's a natural thing to find someone attractive, it's when you start thinking she's something your gf isin't based on pure looks that's when I'd ask a question or 2.