Tuesday Funnies

MonkieSocks

I went to a pet shop, I said,” Can I buy a goldfish?"

The owner said, "Do you want an aquarium?"

I said “I don't care what star sign it is”

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A prostitute walks up to a man at the bar and says,

"Hey big gut, have you ever had a thrill?"

Big gut replies, "Yep, doing a tonne twenty on a Duccatti."

Prostitute says, "Let me put it another way, have you ever felt a c*nt?"

Big gut says, "Yep! When I stopped at the traffic lights and fell off!"

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I dont understand the point of lap-dancing clubs!

If I wanted a woman to take all my money and sexually frustrate me,

I'd stay at home.
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Joined a nudist colony last week.......

The first few days were the hardest.......
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I persuaded my missus to smuggle coke through customs by sticking it up her arse.

I didn't realise I could buy another can in the departure lounge.
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Just had sex with the missus for the first time since she had the baby.

She said, "Wow, that was good. How was it for you?"

I replied, "It was like a dog wagging its tail in a bucket."

Well the bleeding has stopped but I'll have a black eye in the morning!