Heart Broken

jessy_01

hi guys,
my boyfriend just broke up with me last night kind after 8 months of out of the blue wasnt expecting it, in that sense i mean he seemed so wrapped up in our relationship and seemed to care about me a lot. He made suggestions that we would move out in january etc... As i lived out in college and he worked in the college we spent a lot of time together leading to him staying with me every night, practically living together.
As the summer was approaching i explained to him i was getting anxious about us not seeing each other all the time but he assured me each time that it would be ok and that when i moved back home i was only a 20 min drive away and that we'd be ok. I moved back home mid june and we saw each other once a week however recently i was beginning to miss him a lot and confronted him about this once a week thing. i said im afraid it wasnt gonna work and he came back saying that he loved me and he cant imagine being without me and that he will do anything to make it work. this was 3 weeks ago.
We patched things up and about a week ago we decided to follow through on plans we made months ago and book a 2 weeks holiday at the end of august. I found a holiday and he was pushing me to book it although i never got around to booking it, i knew i would eventually. For some reason, i dont know why i decided to say to him the reason i hadnt booked the holiday was because i was afraid we werent gonna be together by the end of august and that seeing each other once a week wasnt really gonna cut it until then which for me-it wasnt.
He recently started his own business and i understood work was hectic so seeing me frequently was going to be an issue however we would speak after work each day and could not understand why he didnt want to come out and spend even a hour with me rather then sitting at home txting me and telling me how much he wanted to be with me.
i love him and i was willing to try get past this. a few days ago he stopped txting me and i guess took some time out to "think" i met up with him 2 nights ago and he told me he thought about it and doesnt see how its gonna work, with him working in his new business he just didnt see how he could make time for me even one hour a week etc... but he said he needed time to think about it. i asked him did he want to be with me and he said yes. after i left him he txt me asking was i ok and that he was sorry about all this and he loved me to bits. i knew where he was going with it so i replied saying "look can we just save the upset and end it my heart is breaking" he replied that he didnt want to break up and that he would call out to me the next day.
Last nite he came out and basically told me he didnt see how it was gonna work and tht his heart wasnt in it anymore.someone tell me what this means?? i attempted on two occasions to break it off before he did and he said its not what he wanted.Only a few days ago he was pushing me to book a 2 week holiday together I dont understand? what changed in that short time? As i walked away in anger last night he text me saying "please dont be like this im sorry i love you, please talk to me". i rang him back soon after and told him how much of a waste of time he was, how dare he tell me he loves me after dumping me and i hope hes happy and hung up.
I never realised i was like this but i love him so much and it hurts twice as bad to kno he doesnt want to be with me. As much as he hurt me all i want is for him to get in touch and tell me the real reason he broke it off after convincing me we would get through anything and to tell me he made a mistake, i cant help this feeling and am terrified im going to sit by my phone waiting for him to contact me but i could be waiting forever.as i begin to think more and more did he cheat on me and knew he had to break it off but didnt want to hurt me by telling me the real reason cos i know work wasnt the reason. it hurts so much to think he fell out of love with me while i fell for him more you know? He obviously didnt love me as much as he said he did and is probably not hurting in any similar way to the way i am. can anybody give me their view, their advise, some words of wisdom?

rainbow kirby

Moved from tLL.

I am a friend

The pair of ye seem as bad as each other. You dump him, his ego kicks in and you go back to him, he dumps you etc etc etc …..

Ye were going nowhere running around on this wheel so its better to take some time out and see what you do want.. Both of you are blowing hot and cold and its ruined the relationship. You may love him but you sound super insecure and you need to address that or it will ruin every relationship you have….

Let him go and work on your issues. If he does the same, you may get back with him but a lot of damage has been done already.. TBH, neither of ye sound like you know your own minds and you both sound too immature for a relationship.

Miss Fluff

Firstly, your post is nigh on impossible to read. Can you segment it into paragraphs?

Secondly. On my attempt to read your post right through it would seem that you totally messed with this guy's head, you wouldn't book a holiday you were planning to go on, you said you wanted to dump him on numerous occasions and you're now posting wondering why he dumped you. Really? Can't you figure it out?

jessy_01

i always just said lets break up to save myself the hearbreak (even though i was gonna be heartbroken anyways) but he insisted thats not what he wanted right up until the minute he broke it off last night. we never argued until i moved back home and it wasnt convenient for him to drive out here a few times a week. We were playing head games with each other i understand that but i honestly thought he was just trying to scare me but when it all came down to it he wouldnt break up with me. im just in so much shock

Salty

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Firstly, your post is nigh on impossible to read. Can you segment it into paragraphs?

Secondly. On my attempt to read your post right through it would seem that you totally messed with this guy's head, you wouldn't book a holiday you were planning to go on, you said you wanted to dump him on numerous occasions and you're now posting wondering why he dumped you. Really? Can't you figure it out?

Worded it better than I could.

You kept bringing up how worried you were about the longevity of the relationship, and whether ye would still be together, and how little you thought ye were seeing each other. Insecurity of this level is what pushed him away.

If you were constantly worrying about him breaking up with you, and telling him about these worries, then no wonder he eventually broke it off. You expressed how little faith you had in the relationship, and he ended it.

If I have any of this wrong, apologies, but the post was hard to read.

kayos

Miss Fluff wrote: »

Firstly, your post is nigh on impossible to read. Can you segment it into paragraphs?

Secondly. On my attempt to read your post right through it would seem that you totally messed with this guy's head, you wouldn't book a holiday you were planning to go on, you said you wanted to dump him on numerous occasions and you're now posting wondering why he dumped you. Really? Can't you figure it out?

Nail, Hammer, head, hit.

IMHO when he said his heart is not in it any more he means trying to make it work with you. Its hard to make things work when you keep hearing its not going to work from your partner.

Also you played mind games. Telling a man that "i was afraid we werent gonna be together by the end of august and that seeing each other once a week wasnt really gonna cut it until then" he is going to take it at face value.

Not as a comment trying to get more attention and that really you loved him and were willing to get past it....

Miss Fluff

jessy_01 wrote: »

We were playing head games with each other i understand that but i honestly thought he was just trying to scare me but when it all came down to it he wouldnt break up with me. im just in so much shock

Honey you don't play headgames with someone unless you're willing to feel the cold hard slap of the type of consequences they lead to.

Harsh but true I'm afraid.

Don't say sh1t you don't mean. Learn from this.

jessy_01

ill put my hands up and admit that i was just looking for him to turn around and say that it will work out like all the other times he did. This is the first time hearing this opinion and the same one from different people.
ive learned now sides of me i never thought there were to me. i just never thought in a million years that he would give up like that. Although i threatened i never meant it. If i had of known this would happen i never would have opened my mouth but im being told from family that i opened my mouth and said these things for a reason-because i was unhappy on some level
In the end i told him that i was willing to give this a chance because i loved him and that it was all head games.
This is ultimate karma

I am a friend

All the above is true. You made your own bed....

jessy_01

thats what i said to him

I am a friend

jessy_01 wrote: »

thats what i said to him

Well you have learned what not to do the next time. This continuous baiting is detriumental to any relationship and just not healthy... Bottom line is 'dont poke the sleeping bear'....

jessy_01

thank you for your honest opinion as much as it hurts to hear

ruffuss99

Hi There,

I am new to this and this is my first reply...but I read this and it brought back so many memories.......I was exactly the same as you with my BF (now hubby) we have been toegther 12 years, at the begining I was doing and saying the same things as you....

I would suggest breaking up just to try and save face.......he would say he didnt wanna break up and then would change his mind a day later......mostly all you have described was the same for me, I had insecurities....thought he was cheating etc

I came to the realsiation that....we were meant to be.......you always try and hurt the most those that you love the most.......you feel so passionate about the relationship that when your angry.sad.upset etc you do the worst thing possible ... ie break up, walk away etc......

I dont know if that will help but its my 2 cents

jessy_01

thanks for your reply ruffuss99.
Im trying to understand that if its meant to be it will if not it wont but its so hard.
I never thought i felt so passionalte about this relationship till it was over. I took it for granted and keep wondering did i drive him to this?
How did yous end up back together? who saw sense? how did you's work it out?

willow tree

hi jesse,
sounds like you are hard on yourself. maybe its time not to figure out you two but just to figure out you. take some time out to be nice to yourself and understand yourself, how do you tick, what do you want from a relationship and what are you willing to give... you could get caught into a going back and forth thing if you dont have clearer boundaries laid out. also a good thing for anyone to do is look at your parents relationship, how did they relate as this is where we first learn how to be in a relationship.

jessy_01

willow tree wrote: »

hi jesse,
sounds like you are hard on yourself. maybe its time not to figure out you two but just to figure out you. take some time out to be nice to yourself and understand yourself, how do you tick, what do you want from a relationship and what are you willing to give... you could get caught into a going back and forth thing if you dont have clearer boundaries laid out. also a good thing for anyone to do is look at your parents relationship, how did they relate as this is where we first learn how to be in a relationship.

im not sure if im being too hard on myself condsidering the opinions i recieved earlier on in this thread, although i wonder did i drive him to it i am trying to remember he dumped me for a reason, maybe he just didnt find me attractive anymore or fell out of love with me.
I have so many thoughts and feelings about this whole situation i dont know where my head it at at the minute

ruffuss99

The one thing that I found (and its hard at the time) is that in time he will realise tht its you he wants.....the one thing that I found was irregardless who pushed who to break up, over time both of us would always come to the realisation that life is so much better when were together, it took a while for us to realise this (longer for him, I kind of always knew)

I got to a stage where I was so sick of the breaking up and getting back, and so sick of feeling miserable that I decided to leave him to his own devices...and within a few days he started to miss me and he would come back......but I made him repeat it until I was satisfied that he really wanted me back and that I did mean something to him.........and believe me your fella will come to that realisation also.....he treats u like this cause he knows your still only a phone call away....but if your "gone" thats when he will come to his senses!!

I am a friend

ruffuss99 wrote: »

The one thing that I found (and its hard at the time) is that in time he will realise tht its you he wants.....the one thing that I found was irregardless who pushed who to break up, over time both of us would always come to the realisation that life is so much better when were together, it took a while for us to realise this (longer for him, I kind of always knew)

I got to a stage where I was so sick of the breaking up and getting back, and so sick of feeling miserable that I decided to leave him to his own devices...and within a few days he started to miss me and he would come back......but I made him repeat it until I was satisfied that he really wanted me back and that I did mean something to him.........and believe me your fella will come to that realisation also.....he treats u like this cause he knows your still only a phone call away....but if your "gone" thats when he will come to his senses!!

This is, on the whole, really bad advice as its advocating mind games to 'win' in a relationship. The only bit that makes sense is to stay away from the ex.

Both relationships sound a toxic...

ruffuss99

I am a friend wrote: »

This is, on the whole, really bad advice as its advocating mind games to 'win' in a relationship. The only bit that makes sense is to stay away from the ex.

Both relationships sound a toxic...

I am giving the advice having been there and gone through it....and my LOVING realtionship with my husband is no where near toxic....I am happily married with children......I read this original post and saw that the OP is going through the excat same thing that I went through .......just because some relationship dont follow the stereo typical fashion doesnt mean they are bad ones or as you put it "toxic" it means that 2 people who have come together are just as equally passionate about life and love

I am a friend

ruffuss99 wrote: »

I am giving the advice having been there and gone through it....and my LOVING realtionship with my husband is no where near toxic....I am happily married with children......I read this original post and saw that the OP is going through the excat same thing that I went through .......just because some relationship dont follow the stereo typical fashion doesnt mean they are bad ones or as you put it "toxic" it means that 2 people who have come together are just as equally passionate about life and love

Your advice is bad because it is encouraging game playing rather than dealing with problems in relationships and without modifying bad behaviour...

You can trick people into getting back with you without eorking on the cause for the problem in the first place.

ruffuss99

I am a friend wrote: »

Your advice is bad because it is encouraging game playing rather than dealing with problems in relationships and without modifying bad behaviour...

You can trick people into getting back with you without eorking on the cause for the problem in the first place.

No its not.....when you have the fight and the drama of breaking up etc thast when you sit down and talk out your issues and figure out what made it go wrong.....there is no "trick" involved its just people realising what they have lost when its gone......

we worked out what caused our issues and we are in a hugely strong relationship........

and going on what the OP was saying it sound very similiar and I was merely saying that she doesnt need to be heart broken that there can be a solution

Miss Fluff

ruffuss99 wrote: »

No its not.....when you have the fight and the drama of breaking up etc thast when you sit down and talk out your issues and figure out what made it go wrong.....there is no "trick" involved its just people realising what they have lost when its gone......

I also agree that your advice is pretty irresponsible. You may have a solid relationship now but tbh it would seem that's more to do with plain old luck than these "tactics" you're advocating.

Advocating breaking up repeatedly and exercising mindgames to an OP who is evidently both immature and impressionable is pretty whack if you don't mind my saying.

Mature and stable adult relationships are not based on engineering fights and causing pain to "prove" feelings. As the OP has already seen for herself, mindgames more often than not result in a most unwelcome bite on the arse and a shock to the system.

ruffuss99

Miss Fluff wrote: »

I also agree that your advice is pretty irresponsible. You may have a solid relationship now but tbh it would seem that's more to do with plain old luck than these "tactics" you're advocating.

Advocating breaking up repeatedly and exercising mindgames to an OP who is evidently both immature and impressionable is pretty whack if you don't mind my saying.

Mature and stable adult relationships are not based on engineering fights and causing pain to "prove" feelings. As the OP has already seen for herself, mindgames more often than not result in a most unwelcome bite on the arse and a shock to the system.

No most definately not luck....it was hard work like all realtionships....it wasnt a breeze.......what I am saying is that this girls relationship like my own isnt a standard run of the mil "boy meets girl" boy loves girl" scenario.....but tell me why does that mean that its not real or why does it mean that its an immature relationship???

Some couples have different ways of dealing with issues in their lives.....some are able to sit down and talk it out, others have their "me" time......what we did was we argued our points (because we both felt so passionate about our opinions) and at times it did end up in a dramatic ending....that does not mean its not real

Miss Fluff

ruffuss99 wrote: »

what we did was we argued our points (because we both felt so passionate about our opinions) and at times it did end up in a dramatic ending....that does not mean its not real

That kind of behaviour is damaging and corrosive to most people and it would seem evident that that kind of carry-on obviously gets you and your husband off. I'd say you're the exception to the rule. Recommending that the OP do the same is totally irresponsible. She's already played a series of headgames which didn't work.

Her boyfriend, or ex boyfriend should I say, obviously didn't rise to the bait in the way in which she had wished. Urging her to envoke a cycle of dump him/take him back/dump him/take him back is ridiculous. And aside from all of that, the way he's reacted to her series of askewed signals thusfar is to dump her......go figure

Maple

Folks, the OP's issue is becoming lost with the to and fro between other posters.

Going forward please direct your responses to the OP.

Thank you,

Maple

jessy_01

ruffuss99 i PM'd you

carolinespring

jessy_01 wrote: »

ill put my hands up and admit that i was just looking for him to turn around and say that it will work out like all the other times he did. This is the first time hearing this opinion and the same one from different people.
ive learned now sides of me i never thought there were to me. i just never thought in a million years that he would give up like that. Although i threatened i never meant it. If i had of known this would happen i never would have opened my mouth but im being told from family that i opened my mouth and said these things for a reason-because i was unhappy on some level
In the end i told him that i was willing to give this a chance because i loved him and that it was all head games.
This is ultimate karma

Oh Darling, you are so young and have so much growing up to do. Your post reads as childish games and not as a grown up couple trying to move forward.

If you don't mean it, simply don't say it. To be honest what did you expect for him to take you inhis arms, say how sorry he is for not spending all his time with you and march you into the travel agents in some Mills and Boons style.

The best thing for you is to put it beside you, enjoy the summer and spend some time working on growing up.

I promise I am not trying to be mean to you. Head games eer work and if you want to be with someone you would never want to play head games and hurt/upset or confuse them in anyway.

ruffuss99

replied jessy

IrishEyes19

ruffuss99 wrote: »

No most definately not luck....it was hard work like all realtionships....it wasnt a breeze.......what I am saying is that this girls relationship like my own isnt a standard run of the mil "boy meets girl" boy loves girl" scenario.....but tell me why does that mean that its not real or why does it mean that its an immature relationship???

Some couples have different ways of dealing with issues in their lives.....some are able to sit down and talk it out, others have their "me" time......what we did was we argued our points (because we both felt so passionate about our opinions) and at times it did end up in a dramatic ending....that does not mean its not real

I dont think ruffuss's outcome was luck or tactical and even if it was, there is always some elements of game playing in relationships. I dont see how her ending it with her bf at the time and not letting him gain control is game playing. How often do people post here saying a guy hasnt texted a girl she met out yet, and people post back "dont text him as he'll just have the upperhand, or do text him, but leave it there, dont seem too eager. there is game playing everywhere,

but aside from that, OP, you sound like you need a break, I do think ruffuss's advice is very valuable, after all its firsthand experience, exactly what you were looking for. However, as everyones situation is unique, I would worry that you are hoping to much that he will come back to you. I think time aside is the best option as Ruffuss's said and again I thought this was great advice. time apart does make you realise how much you want to be with someone or else it may also teach you that perhaps you dont want it as much as you thought. Pressure and constant contact will never work in my opinion, as you arent giving that person enough time to see where it went wrong, also if you are constantly there, the same problems will be there.

If it does work out, you have to take into account also that you will need to discuss where it went wrong for both of you. Im not going to be rude and tell you like other posters that you are immature and unfair, as we dont know you, or the situation. But having been in relationships before that ended and left me reeling for quite a while, I know how awful the pain is but also how tough it is to resist picking up the phone. So sometimes what we say or in this case write is far more intense and often seems childish when you are desperate for some answers. So I understand your case.

I would suggest for now just take it easy, and try to gain a bit of yourself back. If he does get in contact or if you decide to talk to him after a few weeks or days have passed, its better that you are in a clear frame of mind and rational, ie, not still emotionally all over the place and shocked by the break up. Wishing you all the best and hope it works out for you

jessy_01

Thank you IrishEyes19 for you reply

I am still emotionally all over the place and in shock of everything thats happened. He got in touch the other night to say "hi and hope everythings ok" however everythings not ok and it was too soon for contact especially for a txt like that..so non personal. I mean what did he expect me to say after whats happened and how we parted? I havent and dont plan on replying.
I feel like he is feeling guilty and looking for me to say its ok what happened, move on. I also couldnt handle him apologizing again and saying maybe we could be friends. That would just confirm everything for me and i am not ready to hear that. Maybe in a few weeks time ill have moved on and it wouldnt affect me as much but for the time being id rather not hear it. Its too hard.