Dead Marriage

LegacyUser

I'm stuck in a marriage which died a few years ago. I have no hope that it can be saved so no need to go into the reasons.

What I'm wondering is what other people do in this situation, we have several children, if we split up now it would be very difficult to sort out the finances in such a way that would not have an impact on them. I also do not believe they would want us to split up.

In a few years when they're all older I hope we will go our separate ways. In the meantime what do other people do to stop bitterness taking over, is it possible to work this arrangement?

The Princess Bride

Hi OP.
First things first.
Does your OH share your opinion on your marriage state, if no,then you need to discuss same with OH, with children out of the house.
If yes,and they too agree that marriage is beyond salvage- there are only 2 options,as I'm sure you are only too aware.

You don't say what ages your children are.Is it going to do them more damage,emotionally,if you stay together for their sake,until they are older?
I had a colleague once,who lived in misery with her husband until the children were >17-then they split.The children were so angry because they'd known their mother was miserable and being emotionally abused, and told her they'd have been happier had they split years earlier!!!!
Have a friend who separated a few years back, & children(now 14 and 11)have a great relationship with both parents- who can communicate comfortably as needs be.
Alas,none of us can live parallel lives.

Only you and OH know whether or not it would be possible to live separate lives under same roof (and parent together)- for the sake of the children-
or whether it would be better,for everyone in the longterm,to separate now and be better parents apart.
Not easy- but you have to be honest with you-this is your only chance at your life too,it's not a dress rehearsal.
Take care.

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I felt that a reply from someone in a similar situation might help.

I was in a dead marriage for a number of years, and I couldn't help the bitterness.
It is not easy to live with someone that you can't respect.
I too have kiddies, and thought it was best for them.
One night I was going to bed after (another) row and my kids were huddled together crying. They knew for a long time that their Mammy was not happy and they were scared for me.
It was a wake up call to sort it out.
I too was staying "for the children".
So I sat him down and told him it was over, I had no plan financially, just that I needed to do this for myself and the kids.
It was the scariest thing I have ever done.
Anyway after a few weeks of "chats" he finally left and to be honest it was a relief.
The kids changed overnight and I did too.
The house is so peaceful, I am hurting in my heart, but my head is telling me I've done the right thing.
Financially it is super tough, but I know in time that part will get sorted out, no money can compensate for peace of mind.
Please don't feel that staying for more years until the kids are older will help, in the long run it will only do harm to them, as I realised from talking to mine about things.
They are still quite young and know more than we give them credit for.
I am not telling you what to do here, just giving a perspective of what I've done and how it has made a positive difference to all our lives.
Hopefully it will work out for you, take care of yourself.

Emme

Is your partner open to marriage counselling or have you tried this?

greenprincess

Its a really tough situation! Does your O/H know how you feel and feel the same? Also you say you could wait around few years til their older. Do you really want to spend a few years waiting? Would it be like your whole life is on hold?
Also kids definatly know more then we give them credit for!!

Beruthiel

dead marriage wrote: »

What I'm wondering is what other people do in this situation, we have several children, if we split up now it would be very difficult to sort out the finances in such a way that would not have an impact on them. I also do not believe they would want us to split up.

You do not say the age of your children, but kids are not stupid and when a parent is unhappy, they know.
What child wants to live with unhappy parents?
As a parent you want your child to be happy, they are no different.

is it possible to work this arrangement?

I tried for six months and nearly went mad.
That kind of arrangement can truly drive you crazy and is mentally very unhealthy.
I split with my childs father when she was seven.
There was no adverse complications with the split for her, due to both her parents making great effort to ensure her life was a stable and happy one under different circumstances.

Devon Brown

I know everyone's situation is different, but I would suggest NOT staying together for the children. Any bitterness and anger held by you and your OH will be picked up on by your children. Therefore they will not grow up learning about love and relationships in a positive way. They will see it as negative. And they will continue to feel hurt and upset because they will not see the two people they love ever being happy. If you separate and see them separately, at least they will see each of their parents happy.

Good luck.

Pandora2

I was one of the 'lucky' kids whose parents stayed together 'for the kids':eek: It was like living in a war zone, it could all kick off in a matter of seconds and we kids were channeling Kofi Annan daily

End result was, all in our 40's now, we struggle with relationships....we cannot cope with those who won't argue/scream/shout/throw things, the quiet type drive us nuts:eek: In our psyche we need that performance before the issue goes away!! We also expect our children to be more mature than they should, as we were. I was the eldest and I noticed this as my life progressed and got help, I also warned my siblings and at one time or another we have all went into therapy to deal with this:D

I have often thought that they should have split up when I was 10, I was actually in my late 30's and experiencing problems within relationships because of my upbringing, by that time the bottle was my mother's friend and we only ever heard from the Father when the Mother was drinking, he loved delivering bad news:mad:

If it's over, end it!! All you are doing now is adding bricks to a wall of resentment..I loved both my parents, maybe Mum a little more but she is gone now and I am the only one in touch with my Father....................it's a long life:eek: