Is this normal or am I a fool?

LegacyUser

I'm in a long term relationship, we're living together. We are in love and have been through some tough times which we got through even though it was hard. We had a blazing row a few months ago and it shook us both deeply. We agreed to never fight like that again.

However when we fight my boyfriend cannot take the blame for anything. I accept that sometimes I am in the wrong too. We live in his house, when the going is good it's our home ansd then when we fight he asks me to find somewhere else to live. He calls me b**** and c***, fat, ugly etc. The last few times I have begged him to not leave me and have been so ashamed of myself. I always end up apologising, he never does. He'll say he loves me and then if I try stand up to him he'll say 'Im done fighting, I'm going to replace you with someone that is normal you're a nutjob'. I've been to counselling for self esteem issues. I'm so scared of losing him and being alone, I'm nearly 30. On his last birthday I made a big fuss and baked cakes and had balloons and bought him concert tickets etc he said he loved it but when we fought yesterday he laughed and said it was useless.

He compares me to his ex calling her a c*** too.

I have moments of strength where I don't want him and then moments of weakness where I cry and hate the thought of him leaving and being with someone else. He says he's going to Copper's with the lads or something cos he knows it tortures me.

I've built my life around him. I live in his home town (I met him 2 weeks after I moved there) I'd been single for a while before that. I'm a well educated woman, financially independent, attractive I'm told have good friends (I hide most of this from them cos I'm ashamed). I'm at breaking point. I'm ill in bed at the minute and in a different county, my home place and when I try contact him he says he's busy.

I have such panic building up in my chest I want to scream.

Canluum

You're clearly quite aware you have some dependence issues. You're not happy in this relationship, yet you persist... you sound almost like an addict.

It doesn't seem like a healthy back and forth you both have going on.

Seek couples counseling, make it an ultimatum, if he refuses move on. You are only in the chains you create for yourself.

Wompa1

I think you should leave him. If you know you aren't always in the wrong and he never admits his own faults then he's just a d1ck. I admit to calling my ex very hurtful things but that was only after I found out she cheated on me. I've never ever called a girl I was seeing those types of things. It doesn't sound like he respects you very much

rbag

If you're hiding these awful issues from your friends, then you know the answer yourself.... maybe chat to one of them and ask them to let you stay for a while while you decide whether to stay with the boyfriend or leave?

I am a friend

Katvondee wrote: »

We are in love

Katvondee wrote: »

we fight he asks me to find somewhere else to live.

Katvondee wrote: »

He calls me b**** and c***, fat, ugly etc.

Katvondee wrote: »

you're a nutjob'.

Katvondee wrote: »

I'm so scared of losing him and being alone, I'm nearly 30.

Katvondee wrote: »

He compares me to his ex calling her a c*** too.

Katvondee wrote: »

He says he's going to Copper's with the lads or something cos he knows it tortures me.

OP, read all these statements again and tell me why you feel so [EMAIL="cr@p"]cr@p[/EMAIL] about yourself that you are willing to let someone bully you like that. He is very abusive, nasty and an absolute thug... Even Rosemary West would deserve better than him. So why are you staying with him?

55

Katvondee wrote: »

I'm a well educated woman, financially independent, attractive I'm told have good friends (I hide most of this from them cos I'm ashamed).

OP, I see form your post that the only thing you built around his life is living with him!

here is what you have to do:

1- rent a house/apt/share nearest to your work.
2- just tell him you want to work on the relation, because living togather is causing fights, and you may move back once things are settled.
3- get yourself distracted by any activity that keeps your mind busy in other things, not your life and your bf.
3- while living away from him, go date, I mean it! go date! zillions of guys would love independent, pretty, well educated peace of mind woman! seriously, I bet if you go to pubs or social places, you will get all types of hits on you - this time choose who you want as at least a distraction from your current sh!tfriend.
4- once you feel wanted (gain the confidence and selfesteem), just ignore your bf and then just dump him with no guilt.


if the above is hard, just move now! holy banana, loads of relatives/friends would support you immediately.. what a life to feel a slave between his hands..

Taltos

OP - I am going to go a bit further here and tell you that in my opinion - you are being abused.

Mentally and emotionally you are being made to feel like crap.
At the same time you seem incapable of "saving" yourself.

Let me put it like this.
> This relationship will NEVER get better than it is right now...

Now - how do you think you will be holding up in 10 years with a child or two swinging out of you learning that it is OK to call mummy a c*nt?

Not kidding her OP - this is the best it is ever going to be with this excuse for a man.

55

Taltos wrote: »

OP - I am going to go a bit further here and tell you that in my opinion - you are being abused.

Mentally and emotionally you are being made to feel like crap.
At the same time you seem incapable of "saving" yourself.

Let me put it like this.
> This relationship will NEVER get better than it is right now...

Now - how do you think you will be holding up in 10 years with a child or two swinging out of you learning that it is OK to call mummy a c*nt?

Not kidding her OP - this is the best it is ever going to be with this excuse for a man.

Taltos, it seems that the OP is agreeing (or at least knowing) that she must move on.. the issue is: how to move on..

Taltos

55 wrote: »

Taltos, it seems that the OP is agreeing (or at least knowing) that she must move on.. the issue is: how to move on..

That escaped me from her post 55.

The only things I could add to your response in terms of the how - is the mental and emotional break she has to make.
The OP needs to accept that she is being abused and no longer accept it as she has. The longer she puts up with this the more "normal" it will become - over time dulling her outlook on life until she is a shell of the real her.

OP - the only way you can change this is to decide today to end it - you have to believe and want this to end. Make that choice and then follow through.

I am a friend

55 wrote: »

it seems that the OP is agreeing (or at least knowing) that she must move on.. the issue is: how to move on..

I dont see that at all. She is away from him and trying to get in contact with him. Its like an addiciton for all the world....

OP you need to start by telling people the truth about what he is lie. Your friends will support you and you do need support. he is abusing you.

LegacyUser

I've never called any girlfriend by an abusive name.

I've never treated a woman with such contempt.

I'm really not sure why you would stay with such a prick seeing as you're financially independent.

Find yourself a decent guy.

And if he does think that you are of those names that he calls you, then why does he say he loves you?

When you do leave him, do not worry about who he'll end up with - because most women wouldn't touch such an abusive bully.

RealistSpy

That is exactly what he believes and this is why he treats you like this, he thinks you have nowhere to go but you have to prove him otherwise. It's his house and he has the power but you have to move out or else this won't stop.

He is taking you for granted. I am a man and I have been through it, I regretted it. In our case we never broke up just moved apart. It has helped us and we are still together and madly in love.

You can shock him by not telling him you are moving out if you do he might convince you he has changed. We men say anything when desperate.

You don't have to break up, you just have to wake up and not let him control your life.
You can still work through this if its real love. Everything is not always solved by breaking up.

LegacyUser

Jesus OP, I've actually been through the exact same! I had the exact same mannered boyfriend, he was a bully (and still is). Been called a c**t, b**** and a nutjob! I've also been called a "psycho" consistently throughout my relationship. All I can say is get out, it took me a while to get out of mine and I'm so happy with my decision, I've only been out of the relationship officially for 2 weeks now. When I was with my boyfriend he would always blame EVERYTHING on me, I eventually couldn't handle it anymore. I always had to apologise if I said something horrible to him (I had no qualms about this) but sometimes he would insult me to such an extremity that I would often cry myself to sleep, he never has, and still refuses to, apologise for his actions. Of course, I always put things like these to the side because I "loved" him. I found out 2 weeks ago that he had cheated on me multiple times and that lied to me about it. I found out that he cheated via the girl he slept with, up to that point he had denied cheating and called me a "nutjob" for thinking that he would do such a thing. Thats how disgusting he was, he only admitted it when I gave him solid, undeniable evidence of his cheating. I'm not saying that your other half will do this, but it may be a possibility.

I've lost my self esteem and confidence now because of what he did, I blamed myself at the beginning but I've only just realised that it was him who had the problem and not me. I am not taking the blame for his actions anymore and you should do the same. This is not healthy, he is a bully and taking advantage of you because he'll know you'll be there (I had the same problem, my ex always knew that I would be there at the end of the day). My opinion of myself is severely damaged because of what I went through, I'm slowly but surely building my self confidence back up again. I've had to reevaluate myself and my ex, focusing on my good points and his bad points. Your boyfriend is a p***k and won't change, I thought my ex would change but he didn't. This guy is a manipulator, he's pulling your strings along like a puppet.

Seriously, I would get out whilst I still can! You're better than this! Take it from someone who has been through this exact same scenario. Men like these are deplorable, horrible people who do not deserve someone like you.

Firetrap

Have you got any family/close friends you can turn to for help? You sound like you're very much on the back foot here because you're on his territory, way too dependent on him and will find it hard to make the break. You know yourself that you have to go. He has absolutely no respect for you - the names he has called you are shocking and his behaviour is no better. Do you have anywhere that you can stay for the first while? You need to get yourself and your stuff out of where ye are living and either change your phone number or block his. Can you stay with someone who can give you moral support?

IrishEyes19

You are not a fool, OP, you've just allowed a situation that is clearly abusive to go on much longer than it should have.

Under no terms be it a man or a woman, should you allow someone to speak to you like that. you know deep within that you are not any of those disgusting names and words he calls you, someone who loves you does not treat you like that. It sounds like to me, that you just crave someone to be there for you and trust me, you dont want this guy around, someone who cant take responsibility for their mistakes and then someone who is abusive and cruel when the arguement doesnt go their own way.

However, you need to step up to the plate now and walk away from this, no advisor here can take step for you, only you can and its going to be hard, especially if this has been long-going, but you can do it all the same. I generally dont encourage ending things by text, but if this man is verbally abusive or potentially physically abusive, a phone call in my opinion ending it and then arranging a male family member or friend to perhaps collect your belongings would be in order, then I would advise you to stay with a friend for a while to get your things in order and not to give this guy your contact or whereabout details. You need a fresh start. A relationship is supposed to be happy and challenging in a positive way, not leading you to question your own self worth or having to listen to those awful names he called you.

Take the oppertunity now to get your life back on track, if you feel you need more counselling go for it, it may help, but staying with a person like that will only drag you down. No wonder you feel so hurt and confused, who wouldnt after dealing with rubbish like that. People like that never change, because its very easy to get all huffy, and throw out names and abuse when arguing, its harder to sit down and admit the wrongs. But in the end, you have to protect yourself now, you owe him nothing, he certainly has not thought about your well being at all, so stop running after him. Mind yourself and end this relationship today. Dont wait for tomorrow when he could possibly lift his hand to you. I dont trust anyone who would call me the names he has called you. Absolutely horrendous. Take care and best of luck.

Elle Collins

You are being emotionally and verbally abused OP, but it doesn't need to stay this way unless you allow it to. Please seek help for this. Best of luck to you.

Katgurl

Op you need to run away fast from this man at least for a while to get some perspective.

Find a friend to confide in/ stay with for a while.

I've been where you are, it can be a long road back to recovery but recognising that things have to change is the first step.

After you're feeling stronger / less anxious you can start to question why you would work hard to stay with a man you insulted, belittled and controlled you.

Please just get yourself some support and start making plans to eliminate the dependancy on this man.

Chinafoot

Katvondee wrote: »

We are in love

You might be, but he certainly isn't. People in love would never treat their partner in such a horrible way.

OP, the best thing you can do right now is tell a friend what has been going on. Tell a close friend and be 100% honest about what has been going on. Tell them everything he has said to hurt you, tell them how he's treated you, how he hasn't been there for you now while you're sick. Don't sugar coat anything, don't make excuses for him, just be completely honest. Then you need to listen to what they say to you about the situation. You need to have the support and advice of people that truly care for you. Your friends will want you to be happy and loved. This man does not want you to be happy nor does he care if you are loved. If he did he would never behave in this way.

I've seen this with someone close to me. She wasted her entire 20s on a man who treated her exactly the same way as your partner is treating you. He emotionally and mentally beat her down. She had no confidence, no self-esteem. She moved into his house and was paying half the mortgage, yet she constantly had it thrown in her face that it was his house and she had no right to be there. They had a child together. She rationalised it with "things will get better when we have the baby." Then they got married, again "things will improve once we get married." She finally left him 2 years ago (she's older than you btw) and hasn't looked back regarding the relationship. And while she wouldn't give her child up for anything in the world she is now tied to him forever. Believe me when I say you don't want the same to happen to you.

OP, you need to ask yourself what you get out of this relationship? The fact that you are almost 30 is not a reason to stay with this man. Leaving him does not mean you are going to end up some lonely spinster that no man will ever want. You also don't need to live with him. You said yourself you are financially independent. Move into your own place or with some friends. He will forever hold the fact that its "his house" over you.

As another poster suggested, you should consider counselling to get to the root of your insecurites. His behaviour is not normal. It's disgusting, disrespectful, spiteful, malicious and not the actions of someone who has any love for you.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Hi OP. I felt compelled to post. I was in the exact same situation as you, the difference is that I didn't get it until we broke up (he dumped me, which was the only good thing he ever did for me), but you are realising it yourself, now.

This is a really big advantage for you, as far as your self esteem is concerned. You need to walk away from this guy, and when you do, it will become so much clearer. For me, the hardest thing was that I put up with all of it, and stayed there. Like you, I'm a well educated - from a great family - lots of friends - kind of girl, but he emotionally beat me down so much, that I thought I was so lucky that I had found someone to go out with me. Me, the crazy psycho, who was good for nothing, except making my poor lovely boyfriend angry.

I'd say it took me just over two years to get over that relationship, after about a year and a half, I met a lovely gentleman. He treated me with respect and was horrified at some of the stories I told him about my ex, but it didn't work out with him.

Now I'm with someone seven months, and I feel like I'm walking on air with him. Yeah, we have our fights, but it's normal. A kind person would never call his gf fat, or ugly during a fight - it's really irrelevant to a fight what you look like PLUS your boyfriend should never think you are ugly, even for a millisecond. If he can say that, he doesn't deserve you.

All I'm saying is, even if your self esteem has been reduced to almost nothing, the best thing you can do for that, is to pick yourself up, and get away from him. Zero contact. Even if you want to call him to sort it out - don't even think of it. You'll get over HIM quickly enough, but it WILL take a while to get over the abuse. But you'll be so proud of yourself for saving yourself. Tell your friends when you're ready. It will be really healing - their reactions will validate that you were right to get out.

Btw, I felt worried about the age thing too when I was in my bad relationship . . . but now, I realise . . . the most important thing is being to be happy . . . and you've loads of time for that.

And finally, please ignore Canluum's post.
You do not have dependance issues.
You do not sound like an addict.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Do not go to couple's counselling. Do not give him an ultimatum. You cannot change an @sshole.

Good luck. I'm going unreg, but if you would like to PM me, just post again and I will PM you. For me, it really would've helped if I could talk to someone who had been through the same.