Mam putting me on guilt trips because of lazy brother.

LegacyUser

This has been wrecking my head for about the last 2-3 years (basically since I have become a bit more independent).

I'm 21 and my brother is 19. Both of us are in different colleges and doing different degrees but both live at home. As its the summer now, I am working 9-5 Monday to Friday, my brother on the other hand is at home jumping between computer and XBOX. We get on well but both have different hobbies and interests so we tend not to have riveting conversations.

The problems arise from my mam, she is worried about my brother and the fact that he would spend every waking hour on his laptop if he was let. He has friends in college but the term is over, he probably sees one of them once a month. Now, she thinks he is shy and feels sorry for him where as I am convinced he is just lazy, which he is, he'll never clean up after himself and won't get dressed if he isn't made. I do feel sorry for him in a way but I know he isn't helping himself.

I on the other hand, wouldn't be lazy, I get up early every morning and make the best of my days. I have 2 close friends who I would hang out with on the weekends and maybe a weeknight if we have time.

My mam is basically putting me on guilt trips because I wont make any effort to spend time with my brother, any time I say I'm going out I usually get the "would you not take your brother?" response. Now dont get me wrong, I'll try get him out once a week but its getting to the stage where I nearly cringe saying that I'm going out as I just wait for the question.

If I say no, that I want to hang out with my friends she starts telling me that I am selfish and wonders "have I got something to hide?" by going out with my own friends. She will then be very short with me for a day or two (most days these days).

I just find it very down putting being made feel like I dont care about my brother and that I'm being selfish.

He's just lazy and couldn't be arsed calling any of his friends from college, and I've told my mam that, but she says he's shy and that I'm once again a selfish person.

Any advice from people? Am I being inconsiderate?

My Dad by the way doesn't do any of the "pushing" like my Mam does, I think he's on the same wavelength as me.

Kevin Duffy

guilttrip wrote: »

This has been wrecking my head for about the last 2-3 years (basically since I have become a bit more independent).

I'm 21 and my brother is 19. Both of us are in different colleges and doing different degrees but both live at home. As its the summer now, I am working 9-5 Monday to Friday, my brother on the other hand is at home jumping between computer and XBOX. We get on well but both have different hobbies and interests so we tend not to have riveting conversations.

The problems arise from my mam, she is worried about my brother and the fact that he would spend every waking hour on his laptop if he was let. He has friends in college but the term is over, he probably sees one of them once a month. Now, she thinks he is shy and feels sorry for him where as I am convinced he is just lazy, which he is, he'll never clean up after himself and won't get dressed if he isn't made. I do feel sorry for him in a way but I know he isn't helping himself.

I on the other hand, wouldn't be lazy, I get up early every morning and make the best of my days. I have 2 close friends who I would hang out with on the weekends and maybe a weeknight if we have time.

My mam is basically putting me on guilt trips because I wont make any effort to spend time with my brother, any time I say I'm going out I usually get the "would you not take your brother?" response. Now dont get me wrong, I'll try get him out once a week but its getting to the stage where I nearly cringe saying that I'm going out as I just wait for the question.

If I say no, that I want to hang out with my friends she starts telling me that I am selfish and wonders "have I got something to hide?" by going out with my own friends. She will then be very short with me for a day or two (most days these days).

I just find it very down putting being made feel like I dont care about my brother and that I'm being selfish.

He's just lazy and couldn't be arsed calling any of his friends from college, and I've told my mam that, but she says he's shy and that I'm once again a selfish person.

Any advice from people? Am I being inconsiderate?

My Dad by the way doesn't do any of the "pushing" like my Mam does, I think he's on the same wavelength as me.

"No mam. I have no problem with him, but we're adults, we're independent of each other, we have different social circles and I wouldn't expect to be included in his stuff. Maybe if you're not happy with him staying in so much, you should have a talk with him about it, not me."

I am a friend

And tell her she is pertetuating his laziness by allowing him slob around the house not working... There are surely jobs to be done around the house.

syklops

Pre-empt her a few times, and she might get the message.

You(to brother): Im meeting Siobhan and Mary, we are going looking for new nail polish for Marys Date with Sean(or other activity not entirely interesting to him), do you want to come?
Brother:(to you): No I want to stay in my PJs and watch Hollyoaks instead.

You(to Mam): Im going out.
Mam: Would you not take himself with you?
You: I already asked him, he is not interested.

Do this once or twice a week for a few weeks and she might get the message.

At the very least it will move her into the area of talking to him rather than you, e.g. "Would you not like to go out with your sister? Ah go on! Go on!"

wild_cat

I am a friend wrote: »

And tell her she is pertetuating his laziness by allowing him slob around the house not working... There are surely jobs to be done around the house.

This is very true. He might even become a bit more pro active in day to day life if he feels that when he gets off the internet he can achieve something. I know sometimes when I've spent most of the day on the net I feel slightly ashamed and that I've wasted the day. Even if it is doing a bit of gardening or cooking the dinner for ye.

Just hint at this to your Mum. Tell her that something looks like it needs doing and maybe himself would like to do it....

Beruthiel

guilttrip wrote: »

I just find it very down putting being made feel like I dont care about my brother and that I'm being selfish.

Have you told your mother that she is upsetting you when she guilt trips you this way?
My own daughter wouldn't be long calling me out on that one if I tried it on!

Either way OP, this is not your problem. Nor should you feel in anyway guilty.
You are not his Mammy and you weren't born to this life just to entertain your brother. He's more than capable of doing that for himself.
It is his decision how he spends his time and who he spends it with (or not) as the case maybe.

If your Mother really feels that badly for him, let her take him off to the cinema or summit.

Has she told him to get off his arse and paint the shed/kitchen/insert other odd jobs here yet?
It's what I'd be doing if I had a strapping young son twiddling his thumbs in my house!

discus

I was in this situation all my life, my mam was always at me to bring my younger brother. It's a big regret I hold right to this day tbh. Sometimes I think he claimed he had no interest in coming out, because he knew I didn't want him there. Now he is far cooler and worldlier than I, but still invites me places so he mustn't hold (too many) grudges!