Dating multiple people??

LegacyUser

Ok, this might turn out to be a really long post, and part of me thinks why am I bothering posting this, just get over it. But anyways, please bare with me.

Basically I have been in a relationship for just over a year with my girlfriend. It has been a wonderful year and I love her deeply. However there is still one thing which seems to eat me alive from time to time and I don't know how to move on from thinking about it.

We spent around two months dating before we had "the chat" to make us official and exclusive. A few months into the relationship I found out that while we were in the non offical dating period she slept with someone else. I was absolutly gutted. I know we weren't official but the thought that she could do that left me so gutted.

She swore that it happened before I had slept with her. That it was a one night thing, and that he text her and she had never text him back and that was it.

I ended up finding out the name of the guy that she had slept with and realised it was the guy that she had become friends with on facebook, a couple of weeks after we became offical as a couple.

To be honest I don't doubt her or think that she would cheat on me now we are in a relationship. I trust her completely. But I still can't help but feel a little cheated on and lied to.

There also a few things about this that bother me.

I think fairly early into the relationship I had asked her who the last person she had slept with was or when...and she lied...she completely omitted this out. I don't get why she lied at that point...it just makes it seem more decieving. She said once she didn't count it because she didn't even cum so she didn't count it as proper sex.

I don't really get why she had to add him on facebook after we were going out. She said she didn't see the problem as she often remains friends with people she has kissed etc. Just cause the dating doesn't work out doesn't mean that has to be it.

We've talked about this a few times. I think to be honest it's more annoying for her now for me to bring it up and to be honest I don't really want to bring it up with her again. As far as she is concerned she didn't do anything wrong and she said that it has happened to her in the past while dating. She knows it sucks but it's also life.

I do get the point that we weren't offical and I really should not have a problem with it. But it does drive me crazy lingering there. I wish I never found out.

Any advice? Or been there stories??

Wompa1

Don'tBeTooHarsh wrote: »

Ok, this might turn out to be a really long post, and part of me thinks why am I bothering posting this, just get over it. But anyways, please bare with me.

Basically I have been in a relationship for just over a year with my girlfriend. It has been a wonderful year and I love her deeply. However there is still one thing which seems to eat me alive from time to time and I don't know how to move on from thinking about it.

We spent around two months dating before we had "the chat" to make us official and exclusive. A few months into the relationship I found out that while we were in the non offical dating period she slept with someone else. I was absolutly gutted. I know we weren't official but the thought that she could do that left me so gutted.

She swore that it happened before I had slept with her. That it was a one night thing, and that he text her and she had never text him back and that was it.

I ended up finding out the name of the guy that she had slept with and realised it was the guy that she had become friends with on facebook, a couple of weeks after we became offical as a couple.

To be honest I don't doubt her or think that she would cheat on me now we are in a relationship. I trust her completely. But I still can't help but feel a little cheated on and lied to.

There also a few things about this that bother me.

I think fairly early into the relationship I had asked her who the last person she had slept with was or when...and she lied...she completely omitted this out. I don't get why she lied at that point...it just makes it seem more decieving. She said once she didn't count it because she didn't even cum so she didn't count it as proper sex.

I don't really get why she had to add him on facebook after we were going out. She said she didn't see the problem as she often remains friends with people she has kissed etc. Just cause the dating doesn't work out doesn't mean that has to be it.

We've talked about this a few times. I think to be honest it's more annoying for her now for me to bring it up and to be honest I don't really want to bring it up with her again. As far as she is concerned she didn't do anything wrong and she said that it has happened to her in the past while dating. She knows it sucks but it's also life.

I do get the point that we weren't offical and I really should not have a problem with it. But it does drive me crazy lingering there. I wish I never found out.

Any advice? Or been there stories??

Sounds like your girl is a liar. If I was you I'd watch her very carefully over the next few months and then get out of dodge. I was going out with a girl who was very friendly with ex's, lied about who she had been with, hid a lot of things from me that I only discovered when we broke up. It's not worth it, I feel like such a fool for not seeing the kind of person she was, with the obvious deceptive signals like you are getting. She has outright lied to you whether it was to protect your feelings or more likely her image, it's lying all the same. I'd find it hard to trust her.

squonk

You're in a relationship for just over a year. You weren't exclusive when she slept with the guy and it doesn't appear she's slept with anyone bar yourself since. Leave it!

Look at it from her point of view. She was on dates with you, on dates with some others. One led to them sleeping together. She chose you because she liked you better than him or anyone else she was seeing at the time. You'd just had a chat to become official and the relationship was in it's early days. Who knows why she slept with the guy. she might have just been horny but obviously regretted it later. At that point she was unsure about it all and didn't want something silly ruining what she felt might be a good relationship in it's early stages.

You sound a bit jealous and paranoid. She's with you. She's not with anybody else. She's allowed have friends, even if they're ex's. She just dated this guy and they slept together once.

Given your attitude I'm not surprised she lied to you because it seems like the path of least resistance. If she'd come clean very early on and said, 'yes, I was seeing X and we slept together once', you'd probably still be obsessing about it.

Everyone has a past. We've all done things we're not proud of. You're going out a year. Focus on your relationship now and what you see as the future, not what happened over a year ago. Souds like she's told you all there is to tell. It boils down to this, if you're happy with this girl then learn to accept that she remains friends with her ex's. FB isn't like a rolling chat and she's not off out a few times a week having drinks with them. If you can't accept this part of her character then maybe you need to think about moving on.

Wompa1

Hey OP,

Have you confronted her about lying? If so did she actually apologize or apologize and say but.... or just say something like I only said that because...

if she did then she's definetely a deceptive person. She's apologizing whilst not apologizing at all..she doesn't accept she did wrong but is telling you sorry to get past it. Don't fall for it.

7Sins

This seems to be the very sad face of dating. The reason the word dating is plural is because it suggests more than one, more than one date with the one person or more than one person to be dating.

It's possessive, immature and unhealthy in my opinion to naturally expect someone you're dating to be exclusive to you before exclusivity has been established.

If she wants to remain friends with this guy on FB (always causing drama's in peoples lives) that is her choice. If you cannot trust her then I'm afraid relationships without trust will never work, move on.

She didn't tell you at the time you asked because obviously she knew it would cause an argument. An argument with who? some guy she's "dating" who she's not exclusive with and thus it's none of his business, why bother with the hassle of that.

LegacyUser

I could currently be that girl, so I know exactly what she's feeling.

Kinda seeing two guys at the moment, have slept with both, not exclusive with either. I'm not a slut, never done this kinda thing before, both are exes of sorts, so wasn't new territory with either.

Anyway, it's getting close to "the chat" time with one, and obviously then close to another kind of chat with the other, so like your girlfriend, I'm not sure whether to be 100% honest with the guy I am most keen on or not. We're seeing each other casually two months now, so for all I know, he's been with other people too. I've only slept with the other guy once and kissed him another time, and texted him a bit, but I am still starting to feel really bad about it (although I'm still kinda texting guy .

But if the guy was to react like you are a) I probably wouldn't tell him in the first place and b) I would be pretty pissed off if he was jealous and possessive about it, as there is no exclusivity pact and if there is, he can bring up the conversation in the first place and not leave it to me to do so.

Just out of curiosity, are you more hurt, jealous, humiliated or annoyed do you think? Does your girlfriend know you feel like this?

I'm Facebook friends with both guys by the way.

And as other posters have pointed out, the reason it's called dating, is that it often involves multiple dates with multiple people, we are not living in 1920s Ireland, and some parts of modern dating are not so nice to think about, but that's the reality of the game.

MicraBoy

Did it ever occur to you that maybe the act of sleeping with him sent her into your arms? That's part of dating, and it was probably to your benefit in terms of getting into a relationship, she knew she wasn't interested in that other fella after one night with him.

You are clearly obsessing unhealthily about this, which is the reason she lied. She wanted to avoid this, and I can imagine the sort of repeated wreck the head conversations you are having about it. No doubt she feels bad and guilty about it, but your obsessing is a sure fire way to drive her on the defensive because as has been pointed out, she really didn't do anything wrong in terms of the dating game. It's only with 20:20 hindsight it looks sort of bad.

I'm also pretty sure that the whole FB adding thing is a way of her maintaining distance from this guy whilst also letting her feel less like a slut. In other words the guy she slept with is probably a decent chap, she has no hard feelings towards him. She's just not that into him. Having slept with him she probably doesn't want to come across like she used him, so this maintains some semblance of them being lovers that became friends.

Finally I don't think you should feel bad for being a bit hurt by this. Your GF should probably acknowledge this hurt. Jealousy is part of the spectrum of emotions involved in any relationship, but you definitely need to realize it's in your power to make this as big or as small as you choose. Move on and enjoy your relationship.

Don'tBeTooHarsh

Don'tBeTooHarsh wrote: »

I ended up finding out the name of the guy that she had slept with and realised it was the guy that she had become friends with on facebook, a couple of weeks after we became offical as a couple.


I think fairly early into the relationship I had asked her who the last person she had slept with was or when...

Eh look I don't even know why you asked this in the first place. It's no business of yours who she slept with You say you wish you never found out - well don't ask stuff like that then.
You weren't together, so stop interrogating her about it and move on.

MicraBoy wrote: »

I'm also pretty sure that the whole FB adding thing is a way of her maintaining distance from this guy whilst also letting her feel less like a slut.

Where in god's name are you getting this slut thing from? She slept with a guy and you're implying she'd feel like a slut?!

MicraBoy

sunflower27 wrote: »

Yeah, she's a slut and he is probably a decent guy. Nice. :rolleyes:

Yeah just take that stick and run with it.

I never said she was a slut, I don't think she did anything wrong, but it's easy to feel that way if you are dating someone, sleep with them and just cut them out of your life completely.

IrishEyes19

MicraBoy wrote: »

Yeah just take that stick and run with it.

I never said she was a slut, I don't think she did anything wrong, but it's easy to feel that way if you are dating someone, sleep with them and just cut them out of your life completely.

Actually you said "the facebook would probably make her feel less like a slut. and he's probably a decent guy. That's worse. :rolleyes:
Riddiculous double standards here.

But aside from that, OP, let this go unless she is cheating on you, you were not together. She's probably avoiding the issue because she knew how you would react.

Wompa1

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

Actually you said "the facebook would probably make her feel less like a slut. and he's probably a decent guy. That's worse. :rolleyes:
Riddiculous double standards here.

But aside from that, OP, let this go unless she is cheating on you, you were not together. She's probably avoiding the issue because she knew how you would react.

Hey OP

I would advice you not to let it go. The sex is kind of irrelevant here. I'd take huge exception to the fact she lied to you about it. When you confronted her about lying did she apologize sincerely? If not, run for the hills

55

no relation can be built on suspection.. it will keep spinning in your mind forever (male brain anatomy! unless you have no brain)

easy blunt straight forward word: leave

LegacyUser

Go easy on the girl, seriously, she has done nothing wrong, except lie to save him being hurt, and then in order to ease her own guilt, given in and told him. She had nothing to feel guilty over though, she did nothing wrong.

I tried to post yesterday but it wasn't posted, so hopefully this one will be accepted?!

You wanted advice from people in similar situations, I'm currently in a situation similar to the one your girl was in a year ago. Been seeing a guy for two months, but no "chat" or exclusivity. I have also seen another guy in that time twice - slept with him once, just a kiss the other time and quite a few texts in between. I do feel bad, even though technically I have done nothing wrong, so I can understand why your girl would have felt bad.

But the first guy has never once attempted to have a conversation regarding exclusivity and it's been two months now and for all I know he's shagging all around him.

Based on what other posters are saying here, and how vicious they are being, I think were things to get more serious with this guy, I too probably wouldn't mention the second guy. What would it achieve?

Out of interest, OP, how does it make you feel knowing about this? Jealous? Annoyed? Angry? Frustrated? Humiliated? Understanding the emotion may help you move past it.

But seriously, this emotion is your problem and the fact that you can't get past it is your issue, not your girlfriends. At the end of the day, she chose you, you are the one that's important to her, and you are the one she was honest with.

By the way, I'm facebook friends with both guys, don't see anything wrong with that.

Moomoo1

@go easy: I think your situation is slightly different to the OP's, since you are consciously maintaintaining a casual relationship (and are not even sure if the guy wants to take it further).

I think the OP tacitly assumed that they were exclusive, even before the chat to make them so. People do say that during 'dating' you can go and sleep with as many people as you want, but I think it's more of a grey area than that.

booboo88

To be honest I don't doubt her or think that she would cheat on me now we are in a relationship. I trust her completely. But I still can't help but feel a little cheated on and lied to.

this very statement contradicts itself.


ah come on op she didnt have an orgasm so its not actual sex.
then i never had sex with my ex:rolleyes: not once.


what sticks out for me is why did she ad him on facebook?? after she was supposedly not in contact with him??

LegacyUser

Hi everyone, thanks for all the responses. I'm still feeling a little conflicted about it all. But the replies are definitly helping.

I suppose I feel two emotions mainly with it. One is hurt. Hurt that she could sleep with someone else while we were seeing each other. But then I don't know if I am feeling the hurt knowing the level of emotion we have for each other now. Like if it was as early on as she said it was when we were seeing each other. We had probably only seen each other twice I think.

Then I also feel humiliation. I felt really embarassed or stupid or something that she could do that. Perhaps I am immature or old fashioned...I don't know. But I really don't like the whole seeing multiple people thing. I guess I didn't realise it was so common until I started reading the responses in this thread.

Part of me feels like, I should just let it go as I was the won that actually won her in the end. She absolutly gives me her everything now. I do trust her.

In total we have spoke about this three times with each other. The first time was when she told me. I ended up just being upset and quiet when she told me. She got really upset and started to cry. Thats when she was telling me that it happened before we had slept together. That night I decided to just let it go.

But a few months later it did start to play on my mind again. I ended up bringing it up with her. We were talking about when we were dating and I said something like yeah but you slept with someone else as well. She looked really confused and said no I didn't. When I reminded her she was like omg that..that was the biggest waste of my time ever. She said it happened, he text her and she never responded. She said she felt really guilty about it. We then talked about dating in general and her attitude to it being different to mine. I left things that night with ease.

But it started playing on my mind again when I saw a random like on one of her status on facebook and a comment from the guy. It just started to consume me again. I realised I had never asked her why she added him on facebook again. One night we were having a small argument and I ended up bringing the whole thing up again. I asked her why she added him on facebook after we were already in a relationship. She said she couldn't remember when she added him. She was kind of annoyed about me bringing it up again. She asked me did I want her to delete him and we were kind of having a bit of a heated fight.

There was one other time I mentioned it actually as well and she basically reinforced the it's part of dating get over it.

I know I sound like an absolute wreck the head. I really do just want to get over this once and for all and to have it stop torchering me. Because I do love her.

solovely

OK, so the girl never actually lied, she just didn't tell you during the early stages, when there was no reason to, right?

I really think this is your issue not hers. It is the unfortunate face of modern dating and either you need to figure out a way to get over it or let it consume you.

She cried about it, so clearly it bothers her and eats her up, even though she didn't do anything wrong. you were both free agents and not even sleeping together at the time. If anything, it probably drove her further into your arms.

She assures you she would never cheat.

I understand the humiliation and the hurt, I can imagine it feels awful. I think we would all feel it, even knowing technically nothing wrong was done. I don't know how to advise you to get over it, but just concentrate on the now, the present, what you have, how she chose you, and how happy you both make each other. It would be absolutely crazy to wreck something that is great now over something that happened before you were even properly a couple. You are confusing the emotions you both feel now with ones that didn't even exist back then and feeling the hurt based on those emotions.

Wompa1's advise to leave her sounds like a total overreaction and definitely cutting off your nose to spite your face. I don't get the logic at all!

LegacyUser

Once again thanks guys for the responses. Thinking about Solovelys response, I think in a way it hits the nail on the head about the situation for me. I think ultimately I don't want to loose this girl. I love her completely and feel the same back. When I'm with her these thoughts about the other guy aren't there. I guess it's when I'm on my own and I start thinking...it all starts to play on my mind.

The stupid part of me would like to know when it happeneds percisely etc. To save me thinking about it, wondering and guessing. But asking stupid questions are what got me into this mess in the beginning. So leaving that is the best option I know.

I do think I am feeling this with the emotions we feel for each other now as opposed to when we were still practically strangers.

She said that only one of her friends, her best friend knew about the other guy she slept with. I think this kind of cuts the humiliation down a bit because it's not like everyone knew or something. It kind of makes me feel weird with the friend(probably my own stupidity again) as the friend has told me time and again that I am one of the best things for my girlfriend that she has never been so happy with anyone.