Am I being silly?

LegacyUser

Hey all, going unregged to post this.

I have had a thing for a guy for the past couple of years, we are in love, but I turned him down any time he asked me out because of the distance of 5 or so hours between us. When I met him I had just got out of a horrible abusive long term, long distance relationship and I was afraid of the same happening again. The "plan" so to speak was for us to start a relationship when he finished college and we could move closer to each other. I'm a virgin and have saved myself for him, which he knows, so I think its fair to say that showed how serious I was about him. A couple of months ago he had been asking me if we could hang out a lot but I kept turning him down and making excuses, I couldn't afford it but I didn't particularly want to see him either because seeing him makes not being with him harder. (that may sound crazy)
A couple of weeks later we hadn't talked in a few days so I sent him a message and he told me hes seeing some girl. This hit me pretty hard, he was supposed to finish college in May so I thought we'd be a couple finally this summer, and yes..the jealousy bug hit me hard. We talked about things and he said he wanted to end things with her because he loved me, but in the end he decided to give things with her a shot. She dumped him a couple of weeks later and a day or two after that he asked me if I would see him in person so we could talk. We met up when I was free and he asked me out and we are now dating.

Now heres the part that bothers me..when we met up we spent the night together (no sex) and the next day I was getting ready and I noticed he was texting her (her photograph shows up with her messages) and it was only a few minutes after waking up. He told me she wishes us luck and all of this other stuff.. I will admit I wasn't too happy that hes staying in contact with her but its not up to me to tell him what to do. Today he tells me that she also told him that day she was jealous of me and wanted him back..

Am I silly to be unhappy that hes still in contact with her? They were only together for a couple of weeks and from what he has told me the relationship was mostly about sex. I don't want to be a paranoid jealous biotch but its hard for me to just "get over it" too. On the other hand I feel like I am being unreasonable because he "chased" me for a few years and I always said no, so I should just stop being jealous and enjoy being with him now.

I have no doubts that I love him and want to be with him, but knowing he still keeps in contact with her makes me feel uneasy.

LegacyUser

OP here

Forgot to mention it but I told my boyfriend that I wasn't too comfortable with the idea of him staying in touch with her (before I found out she was saying she wanted him back) but he keeps saying stuff like "i'm with you not her so you don't have to worry". Even now, after admitting she wants him still, hes telling me I need to get over it. I do see where hes coming from but its not helping at all. I hate being jealous and clingy but I don't see how to "get over this". Hes with me now but I know had she not dumped him, he'd still be with her and happy to cut me out of his life, so thinking about that combined with the fact that she regrets dumping him...its making me upset.

sillygirl14

Op here..

....anyone have any advice at all?

Wompa1

sillygirl14 wrote: »

Op here..

....anyone have any advice at all?

Only advice I would offer is don't have sex with him for a long time. If I was you now I wouldn't want to lose my virginity to a guy that knew I was saving myself and then decided to go off with somebody else..save yourself until you are sure he's not playing games.

sillygirl14

Wompa1 wrote: »

Only advice I would offer is don't have sex with him for a long time. If I was you now I wouldn't want to lose my virginity to a guy that knew I was saving myself and then decided to go off with somebody else..save yourself until you are sure he's not playing games.

I came very close to sleeping with him when we met up last time, I had a few drinks but I think even if I was sober I would have wanted to. I was saving myself until we were dating to do it, and now that we are I want to..but I understand what you're saying because I still have my doubts about everything and I shouldn't sleep with him until i'm 100% sure

He says he has no doubts that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, and I feel the same way about him, but at the same time..he was able to "give up" so easy when we hit a rough patch. Before he got with that girl things weren't great between us (my not wanting to hang out, I also had no credit for a few weeks because I was broke so we didn't talk much) but I didn't think they were as bad as he made them out to be.

The part that broke my heart the most was two days after he told me about her, he told me he was going to end things (he just needed time because he didn't want her to think he was using her, etc) and we were supposed to meet that weekend. Then that weekend came and he changed his mind about meeting me, went to see her and told me he changed his mind and was giving things with her a shot..really crushed me.

I have explained to him i'm not comfortable with them staying in touch when shes obviously still into him and regrets ending things, but he keeps saying "you just have to trust me", which is very hard to do after last time..

I hate myself for being so caught up on this but its bugging me so much

Wompa1

sillygirl14 wrote: »

I came very close to sleeping with him when we met up last time, I had a few drinks but I think even if I was sober I would have wanted to. I was saving myself until we were dating to do it, and now that we are I want to..but I understand what you're saying because I still have my doubts about everything and I shouldn't sleep with him until i'm 100% sure

He says he has no doubts that he wants to marry me and spend his life with me, and I feel the same way about him, but at the same time..he was able to "give up" so easy when we hit a rough patch. Before he got with that girl things weren't great between us (my not wanting to hang out, I also had no credit for a few weeks because I was broke so we didn't talk much) but I didn't think they were as bad as he made them out to be.

The part that broke my heart the most was two days after he told me about her, he told me he was going to end things (he just needed time because he didn't want her to think he was using her, etc) and we were supposed to meet that weekend. Then that weekend came and he changed his mind about meeting me, went to see her and told me he changed his mind and was giving things with her a shot..really crushed me.

I have explained to him i'm not comfortable with them staying in touch when shes obviously still into him and regrets ending things, but he keeps saying "you just have to trust me", which is very hard to do after last time..

I hate myself for being so caught up on this but its bugging me so much

Do you mind me asking you what age you are and what age he is? The idea that a guy would so quickly give up on a girl he's willing to marry sounds strange. You should be careful here, in lad culture getting a girls virginity is a feather in the cap. I don't subscribe to the lad ways but most guys do..the whole male bravado stuff. Just be careful

sillygirl14

Wompa1 wrote: »

Do you mind me asking you what age you are and what age he is? The idea that a guy would so quickly give up on a girl he's willing to marry sounds strange. You should be careful here, in lad culture getting a girls virginity is a feather in the cap. I don't subscribe to the lad ways but most guys do..the whole male bravado stuff. Just be careful

I just turned 21 and hes almost 25. We met when I was 16/he was 20 and fell in love after 6 or 7 months. I understand what you're saying, I am slightly afraid of that too.

In the past I seen other guys, although the most I ever did was kiss them on the lips. Never anything more than that. There was a time a few years ago when I felt like things were never going to happen with this guy and I got with another guy and didn't speak to the guy i'm in love with much while that went on...so I do feel guilty about that. I loved him but it was hard to be in love with someone you're not actually dating. I did have every chance to date him (he asked me out many times) but I didn't want to get into that again. Anyways shortly before I got with that guy, he got drunk and brought a girl home and had oral sex with her and text me the next day to tell me, it hurt me so much but we weren't a couple so I just had to get over it.

He always says how sex doesn't mean the same to everyone as it does to me, which I understand. I obviously want it to be with someone I love whereas hes the kind of person who just sees it as something that doesn't have any meaning.

I love him with all of my heart but a part of me is terrified of sleeping with him incase thats all he wants or things end because thats something I can't get back. He keeps saying that he thought I only wanted him because I was jealous of the other girl and he didn't want me to get bored of him if he dumped her for me so thats why he didn't give me a chance, which is part true because I did get jealous but when you lose someone you love thats bound to happen.

sillygirl14

Also we were planning on sleeping together next time we see each other but I wasn't 100% sure about it so I told him I don't feel mentally/emotionally ready since I still have all of these issues and he said okay. I just hope I don't change my mind when I see him becuase I do really want to be with him.

Wompa1

sillygirl14 wrote: »

Also we were planning on sleeping together next time we see each other but I wasn't 100% sure about it so I told him I don't feel mentally/emotionally ready since I still have all of these issues and he said okay. I just hope I don't change my mind when I see him becuase I do really want to be with him.

He's 25. Don't just have sex in his bed or your bed the first time. If he knows sex is different for you and you are a virgin then he should be making every effort to make sure your first time is amazing. He should take you to a nice hotel or something for the weekend in a scenic part of the country, have candles and the works. Don't settle for mediocrity. If he doesn't try to make that kind of effort then he's not the one to lose it to IMO

If you were both in your teens and it was your first time I'd be thinking it's not really possible but at 25, whether he has to steal, borrow or beg he should take you somewhere nice and treat you rights.

sillygirl14

Wompa1 wrote: »

He's 25. Don't just have sex in his bed or your bed the first time. If he knows sex is different for you and you are a virgin then he should be making every effort to make sure your first time is amazing. He should take you to a nice hotel or something for the weekend in a scenic part of the country, have candles and the works. Don't settle for mediocrity. If he doesn't try to make that kind of effort then he's not the one to lose it to IMO

If you were both in your teens and it was your first time I'd be thinking it's not really possible but at 25, whether he has to steal, borrow or beg he should take you somewhere nice and treat you rights.

We are in a long distance relationship (which doesn't help with my trust issues, but he has another year of college left and I don't want to move so far from home) so we meet halfways and see each other for a night or two here and there and have to stay in hotels. We take turns booking it but when we did for the first time, I *think* he thought we were going to end up sleeping together, and he booked this really fancy 5 star suite in a georgian hotel..exactly the kind of place I like. It was much fancier than the hotels I book (3 stars on special offer lol)
He also seen I posted on a social networking site about a festival i'd love to go to which is near where he lives, he offered to take me a book a hotel for the two nights as a treat which was lovely. I had to turn it down as it would take me three bus trips and 12 hours to get there but it was a lovely gesture.

I have no doubts in my mind that he cares about me, I suppose i'm just still a bit worried that i'm his fall back girl/second best. His ex is really bothering me because she text him first thing in the morning when she knew he was spending the night with me, and at first she was saying she was happy for us, wishing us luck, etc. then she starts saying shes jealous and wants him back :rolleyes: If he had ended things with her I might feel a little more confident but thats not the case

spinandscribble

Wompa1 wrote: »

He's 25. Don't just have sex in his bed or your bed the first time. If he knows sex is different for you and you are a virgin then he should be making every effort to make sure your first time is amazing. He should take you to a nice hotel or something for the weekend in a scenic part of the country, have candles and the works. Don't settle for mediocrity. If he doesn't try to make that kind of effort then he's not the one to lose it to IMO

If you were both in your teens and it was your first time I'd be thinking it's not really possible but at 25, whether he has to steal, borrow or beg he should take you somewhere nice and treat you rights.

imo what's more important is she waits awhile until she trusts him again (if she will), not how much money he spends on her. You can make a effort without a hotel or trip. I get where you're coming from, she should expect a person who loves her to push the boat out a bit but setting the bar that high when a lot of young (and old) people are out of work just isn't realistic for every case.

Op can I ask you how you met this guy? do you know his circle of friends?

i'm slightly unnerved by your username sillygirl14, the 14 part. I'm not saying your age is not in fact 21 but if you are under age please reconsider your actions.

If you have waited this long op i'd suggest waiting until you feel completely comfortable in the relationship before having sex.

Maybe i'm cynical but unless you're in a relationship with someone and know them to a greater extent I don't think you can really be in love. Love at first sight or based on little information/time spent together in person is more along the lines of Lust and i'm afraid thats how it reads to me. Its very easy to tell someone you love them but its the actions that are more telling.

sillygirl14

spinandscribble wrote: »

imo what's more important is she waits awhile until she trusts him again (if she will), not how much money he spends on her. You can make a effort without a hotel or trip. I get where you're coming from, she should expect a person who loves her to push the boat out a bit but setting the bar that high when a lot of young (and old) people are out of work just isn't realistic for every case.

Op can I ask you how you met this guy? do you know his circle of friends?

i'm slightly unnerved by your username sillygirl14, the 14 part. I'm not saying your age is not in fact 21 but if you are under age please reconsider your actions.

If you have waited this long op i'd suggest waiting until you feel completely comfortable in the relationship before having sex.

Maybe i'm cynical but unless you're in a relationship with someone and know them to a greater extent I don't think you can really be in love. Love at first sight or based on little information/time spent together in person is more along the lines of Lust and i'm afraid thats how it reads to me. Its very easy to tell someone you love them but its the actions that are more telling.

We book into hotels and meet each other halfways because we live really far away from each other (5-6 hour drive I think, but neither of us have cars so we have to rely on public transport and it would take close to 10 hours to get there using public transport from where I live) and we take turns paying for the hotels which is 110% fine with me, I don't feel like he should have to pay for everything because i'm 50% in the relationship too I did appreciate when he booked that extra special suite though, I think he thought we were going to sleep together so if we did it would have been extra special (because it'll be special regardless of where we do it..for me anyways lol)

Anyways my username says 14 because thats the date of the month when my birthday is (but oh how I would love to actually be 14 again lol) I just couldn't think of what to make my username and that came into my head.

We know each other because I told him I thought he was attractive and we texted every day non stop afterwards. He wasn't into me "like that" at first because the age gap creeped him out but it just happened. I don't know any of his friends but I do know that they all told him to give up on me years ago and he didn't. WHen I kept turning him down they told him to move on and he didn't listen which I appreciate. I know I was probably silly for turning him down now..a long distance relationship would have hurt but not having him hurt a lot more. Its not a case of knowing nothing about him - we mightn't see each other every day but we text every single day and I would say he knows more about me than anyone else and the other way around too.

squonk

OP, he's primarily interested in sleeping with you. I think he's a bit of a player. I thin if you give it up, his attitude will change a lot. As was said earlier, virginity is a feather in a cap. I'd be wary of him. I think hes hanging out for what he's gonna get. If he wasvinfact serious he'd be with you entirely and the other girl would be out of the picture.

sillygirl14

I really don't think hes after my virginity tbh. It probably is a bit of a turn on to him, I am friends with a lot of males and the idea of "breaking a girl in" would be a huge turn on to them as awful as it sounds. But - when we first met I was firm that I wasn't having sex until I was married. After we fell in love this didn't change either and he said he was willing to wait for me when we were in a relationship. I changed my mind about having sex because I feel like he is definitely "the one" despite my trust issues and I was the one who suggested we have sex sooner. He never hid the fact that he was attracted to me and wanted to sleep with me at some point, but he did understand that I wanted to wait. I really don't think thats the primary reason he wants me. His whole family know about me even though theyve never met me they know how he feels, surely if I was just someone he wanted to use for sex he wouldn't tell his mom about how much he loves me? Even his mom is delighted I gave him a chance because she thinks i'm the one for him because I make him so happy. He also told his friends fairly on about us, and all of them said he should cut his ties with me when I kept turning him down, but he never did. Surely after 4 years of chasing and getting nowhere he'd get fed up? He texts me as much as possible every day from the moment he wakes until he sleeps, thats for four years (minus the month this year when I didn't have credit/free texts)...I really think I know him well and I don't think he only wants me for sex although I do think he wants sex..like any bloke would.

I made him chase me for four years, not really "made" but I always turned him down when he asked me out. I mean before he got with that girl he was pretty much begging me to meet up with him and I didn't. I'm not saying i'm proud of myself because I do wish I had given the long distance thing a shot sooner but I also think any guy would be fed up chasing by now if sex was their only interest?

LegacyUser

OP, no offence but how much time have you actually spent together as a couple? I can't tell by any of your posts.