Girlfriend issue

LegacyUser

Going unreg'd for this for obvious reasons.

I've been going out with this girl now for a month, we used to have a thing when we were younger and I ****ed it up. So anyway, fast forward three years and we started talking again and eventually met up. After a few weeks we decided we would make it official. So we've been going out a month now and we had a few little arguments in the first few weeks and during one of them in the heat of the moment I said that I thought she started arguments for the sake of it but I didn't really mean it.

Turns out that really hurt her and now she feels she cant talk to me. We were in bed this morning and she told me she wasn't going to eat for a week because she think's she's a little overweight (She's got an absolutely amazing body). I told her I didn't think it was a great idea and that if she wanted to lose weight she should come out running with me. I then said its not as if she has much to lose and she took it the wrong way and thought I meant that she does have something to lose. That's where things went wrong, she flew completely off the hook and now says she doesn't even want to see me. I'm pretty devastated as even though its only a month in I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and she said the same to me.

I just want some opinions on how I could maybe sort this out?

IrishEyes19

Unreg'd wrote: »

Going unreg'd for this for obvious reasons.

I've been going out with this girl now for a month, we used to have a thing when we were younger and I ****ed it up. So anyway, fast forward three years and we started talking again and eventually met up. After a few weeks we decided we would make it official. So we've been going out a month now and we had a few little arguments in the first few weeks and during one of them in the heat of the moment I said that I thought she started arguments for the sake of it but I didn't really mean it.

Turns out that really hurt her and now she feels she cant talk to me. We were in bed this morning and she told me she wasn't going to eat for a week because she think's she's a little overweight (She's got an absolutely amazing body). I told her I didn't think it was a great idea and that if she wanted to lose weight she should come out running with me. I then said its not as if she has much to lose and she took it the wrong way and thought I meant that she does have something to lose. That's where things went wrong, she flew completely off the hook and now says she doesn't even want to see me. I'm pretty devastated as even though its only a month in I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and she said the same to me.

I just want some opinions on how I could maybe sort this out?

Well it doesnt seem to be like you can win with anything you say, OP, she's picking you up on everything. She needs to sort out her own insecurities first or else stop looking for a fight.

Canluum

Unreg'd wrote: »

even though its only a month in I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with

Really... REALLY!?

No offense but she sounds like the most uber high maintenance, least easy-going person I've ever heard of in real life. You sound miserable having to needlessy walk on eggshells around her. No doubt you're in denial over it, infatuation can be rather blinding afterall (been there). But if you stay with her and the same behaviour patter continues, you will be one depressed SOB. Is she worth that? No-one is.

You asked for advice of how to sort this out, so I'll not leave you hanging. DO NOT grovel, do not beg... these should be reserved for when you actually do something wrong. This will only reinforce her ****ty behaviour. She will fly off the handle anytime she doesn't get her way like a spoilt child, taking you utterly for granted. Remove yourself from the outcome and let her come back to you. Focus on other things, go out with your friends, heck even ask other girls for their numbers. She'll realise she can't take you for granted. If she doesn't come back (she will), then she wasn't that into you anyway or her stubbornness outweighed her sense and she lost out... while you dodged a bullet.

Distorted

Unreg'd wrote: »

We were in bed this morning and she told me she wasn't going to eat for a week because she think's she's a little overweight (She's got an absolutely amazing body). I told her I didn't think it was a great idea and that if she wanted to lose weight she should come out running with me.

Never, ever try to interfere with a woman's dieting!!! Maybe she likes her weight at a certain level, you've been going out with her a month and she's had her body her whole life. Aside from the fact she owns her body and you don't, she's more experienced at what works for it than you. She might look great to you, but she might be finding her clothes slightly tight and wanting to ward off problems before they get worse.

btw its unlikely she would stick to not eating for a week and even if she dieted strictly for a week, its nothing more than many women do without any great harm befalling them.

From the sound of it, you kind of make picky comments to her. You say she starts arguements for the sake of it, you tell her how to diet and exercise, etc.. Its just too controlling. Don't try to give her instruction on how to live her life.

At the start of relationships, sometimes these kind of silly arguements happen as you are both trying overly hard to show your best sides. I'm sure it will all resolve in time as you both relax more into the relationship.

Unreg'd wrote: »

even though its only a month in I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and she said the same to me.

Whats the hurry?

Unreg'd wrote: »

I just want some opinions on how I could maybe sort this out?

Just apologise, in general terms, if you upset her, and say you are taking her out for a meal/cinema/nice walk!

Sardonicat

Anybody who thinks starving themselves for a week is a good way to loose weight has issues.

She sounds emotionally volatile and messed up. Steer clear.

Abi

Flags are flying up here big time OP.


Who the hell says they're deliberately going to starve themselves for a week in order to lose weight? **ATTENTION SEEKER** (with added alarm bells and flashing lights). She said this for a reaction, and she got one. But not the one she was looking for! She wanted compliments because she's insecure, and dealt with it in an immature way. As another poster said, you're never going to win with her. She will constantly prod and pick at you, for compliments or an arguement - I'd be gone like a flash. I'd have no qualms about saying why either, because she'll walk out of it saying he said this-that-and-the-other about me, he was only a bastard anyway.


I'd tell her she's attention seeking, and insecure and thats why she picks fights, thats why it's over. Give her something to learn from, and walk away.

nettie1

I entitled this message "hell" cos that's where you appear to be, and that's where you'll stay if you continue on this route.
First off, you need to understand that she has insecurities that you have no control over. If she feels the need to starve herself for a week, this is a reflection of her neurosis, not her weight and there is nothing you can say that will be right if she decides to be irrational about it. Not eating for a week is not a diet, it's a cry for help. Just encourage her self-image if she lets you. If ye've come to the point of not seeing each other after only a month, then one has to wonder whether or not ye would get along long-term. Don't come to long-term decisions until you have the luxury of long-term experience.
Lastly I have to wonder why you have so little self-esteem that you think this situation is good enough for you. It's not good enough for anyone. I don't even know you and I think it's not good enough for you. Unless you need to be a martyr, move on. If you need to be a martyr, you're need a counsellor not a girlfriend.
Best of luck

booboo88

i'd hate to be the bearer or bad news but as soon as she starts eating again, any weight she did lose will go straight back on again, as the body is in preserve mode,
she needs to sort out her issues seriously, she's just fishing for compliments to make herself feel better.:rolleyes:

Wibbs

Unreg'd wrote: »

After a few weeks we decided we would make it official. So we've been going out a month now and we had a few little arguments in the first few weeks and during one of them in the heat of the moment I said that I thought she started arguments for the sake of it but I didn't really mean it.

Nope chances are you did mean it and you know what? The idea didn't emerge from nothing. The rest of your post seems to prove it.

Turns out that really hurt her and now she feels she cant talk to me.

Emotional blackmail. Well more likely she needs constant(unhealthy) emotional feedback as some do and this way she gets it.

We were in bed this morning and she told me she wasn't going to eat for a week because she think's she's a little overweight (She's got an absolutely amazing body).

Again looking for emotional feedback. Nada to do with the weight. More about bringing up a subject that is hard to reply to, that you will get "wrong" and then she gets to have her unhealthy feedback at your expense. Oh and it'll be your "fault" too.

I told her I didn't think it was a great idea and that if she wanted to lose weight she should come out running with me.

Good answer and not a lot she can do with that.

I then said its not as if she has much to lose and she took it the wrong way and thought I meant that she does have something to lose.

And we have a winner! The in she was looking for.

That's where things went wrong, she flew completely off the hook and now says she doesn't even want to see me.

Trust me when she comes down from her feedback high, the next step will be getting in contact and crying and saying how sorry she is and how she didn't mean it and that she's confused and in a bad place at the moment. Blah blah etc etc ad nauseum. That general gist anyway. You placate her and all is calm for a while. Until next time that is. I'd even bet this has already happened.

I'm pretty devastated as even though its only a month in I'm pretty sure she's the one I want to spend the rest of my life with and she said the same to me.

Whoa there Ted. With respect you're coming over as being a bit emotionally incontinent yourself. I understand it's coming from real feelings, but a month in and this amount of arguments? When we're in love our head does tend to be a bit all over the place. Love is the drug is not just a Roxy Music song. It can be hard to be objective when you're off your box on love. But like I say all this drama a month in? Not a good sign. You may even be enabling each other. IMHO you're certainly enabling her in her need for drama. In your position if I'd sniffed arguments for the sake of them, I'd be asking questions and if I didn't get the right answers, I'd be off.

In the first few months and years you should be on a high with the odd argument where you feel each other out and come to understanding and compromise. Otherwise it's about the best or biggest high in a longterm relationship. It should not be this difficult.

I just want some opinions on how I could maybe sort this out?

It's going to be hard when you're in full Love flow, but step back. If she's leaving, let her leave. If she stays and tries to pull this stuff again, just nip it in the bud. The very second she jumps on you for something innocently said, calmly and quietly step back and walk away and tell her we'll talk later. Do NOT apologise. Indeed IMHO you should never apologise for something you did not do. I hope it works out for you and she cops on. If not make sure you realise there are other better fish in the sea. Not much consolation when you want a particular fish, but it's true.

tallaghtmick

Op please learn how to talk to women you will get on in life a lot easier.

desertcircus

You're not really madly in love with her; it feels that way because you're miserable when she's not around. Which isn't a surprise when she flies off the handle, makes you feel like crap and then won't talk to you. If her idea of dealing with problems is to refuse to talk to you, get out now. It's a horrible dynamic and you don't need or deserve to have to walk on eggshells for the sake of peace.

desertcircus

Should have said: if you really want to give her a shot, then wait for her to get in touch (she probably will) and tell her you're giving it one last go - do NOT let ot slide without making it clear that you're not dealing with that kind of behaviour. Tell her that the very first time she flips without good reason, you'll leave without hesitation no matter where you are or what you're doing. If she still does it, walk. Immediately. Get up, tell her why you're leaving, and leave.