Boyfriend wants wedding - I don't...

LegacyUser

I got engaged 2 months ago and have started planning our wedding for this time next year.

My family life/childhood was pretty strained and I have never ever thought about having a "real" wedding as there is too much history with everyone for them to act like normal people and spend a day together.

I love my fiancee very much and he wants a proper wedding, so I agreed. I even involved the MIL as he's an only child and she asked to be invoved, not having a daughter etc so I felt that was important.

I'm so touched that he wants the proper day and well, I've never felt "normal" so it's lovely that he sees me that way.

And yet...

I can think of nothing nicer than a lovely day in my dream dress and lots of laughs and fun... what girl doesn't? But I feel it's just not the cards I have been dealt in regards to my family. I'd rather be sensible and say well, such is life and not invite drama by expecting anything from them.

I'm not a strong assertive person and it really upsets me that people have the cheek to try to change my mind about what I want for my day. They know I am easily made to doubt myself and I feel like they're taking advantage of me and my anxieties (part of the reason I didn't want anyone's involvement).

I have sat him down, told him I don't want this, that I'm incredibly anxious about the day and the build up to it... we've compromised on a low-key wedding which now the MIL wants to control parts of and well...

I have started being a complete bitch to him. In the last month, I had about 3 panic attacks and have I tried to blame stress about money etc, but having had a think, I realised I just don't want this bloody wedding. I'm saying horrible things to him and even packed a bag the other day during a row which went too far.

He doesn't get it, he really thinks it will all be OK, everyone will be nice for our sake. But he's not involved int eh planning nad getting all the "oh no, you have to do this" and the judgemental crap and he doesn't have to deal with the huge arguments my getting engaged has caused between my family members. Yes, apparently I am selfish for getting engaged.

Anyway.. He's being so naive and I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to help him understand that this is what I want but something I feel I can't have.

Miss Fluff

wantsaweddingbutdoesnt wrote: »

I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to help him understand that this is what I want but something I feel I can't have.

Yes, you have to tell him. He's not a mind reader. The poor chap is probably wondering what's going on what with the panic attacks, the rows, you packing your bags - all gargantuan reactions to a problem you haven't really been honest about with him.

It's time to take some control back. It seems like you do love him, he loves you. You want to marry each other. Forget all third parties and decide between the two of you on the kind of day you both want. You can't expect him to know unless you're open with him.

premierlass

You've compromised, but your MIL sees you as a soft touch and is trying to steamroll you into having the wedding she wants, am I reading it correctly? Well, maybe the time for compromise is over. The relationship is suffering and who knows, maybe you won't even get to the wedding day if it goes on like this?

It's time to take control of this. Sit your boyfriend down, tell him what you have written here and that this has to change. Plan something that you both are in complete control of, do not give any planning information to the MIL (or you could fob her off with one unimportant task). Perhaps a wedding abroad with just the two of you or a civil wedding with only immediate family present and then throw a small celebration with your wider circle of friends and family a few weeks later? (There's no law that says you have to invite your own family if you don't want them there, by the way.) Be creative and you can still have the celebration you both want.

I would urge you to go to your doctor for a referral to someone who can help you deal with your stress and assertiveness problems. Think of it like this: you will need these tools to deal with your in-laws in future, especially if you have children. Now is the best time to deal with it. Also, now might be a good time for a pre-marital course.

Kevin Duffy

wantsaweddingbutdoesnt wrote: »

He doesn't get it, he really thinks it will all be OK, everyone will be nice for our sake. But he's not involved int eh planning nad getting all the "oh no, you have to do this" and the judgemental crap and he doesn't have to deal with the huge arguments my getting engaged has caused between my family members. Yes, apparently I am selfish for getting engaged.

Anyway.. He's being so naive and I just wondered if anyone had any advice on how to help him understand that this is what I want but something I feel I can't have.

Jaysis OP, 2 years ago I was in this same situation. The bit in bold is, for me, the key to solving the problems between you and your OH - he was the one that wanted the wedding, so make him get involved in the planning. It's his day too, so he should be involved, but it also might give him an insight into the problems you're having; that might change his mind, or he might have great solutions, or he might support you better in dealing with your family (which in my opinion should be by way of "fúck off and keep your nose out, it's not your engagment or wedding").

And whatever you do, keeping talking to him about every little thing. If you can't tell him and can't assert yourself with him, or if he dosn'tget invloved or listen to you and if he doesn't support you in return, then maybe you're not in a position to be planning a wedding, which is only the start of your life together.