Child not wanting to go to her dad's house

clumsypolly

I'm having a bit of a conflict in my head about my 3 and a half year old, my daughter knows by now that every Friday her dad picks her up to bring her up to his house till Sunday for the last few weeks my daughter is getting very odd and upset saying "I'm not going to my daddy's house" when we tell her that he should be coming down soon.

It's very strange because she has never been like this about going to his house before, she has been progressively been getting less and less excited about going up to his house in the last few months but it has never been a struggle to get her to go to her dad's, I feel so guilty when she doesn't want to go and he takes her away all upset he thinks she's being bold but I'm afraid to tell him she doesn't really want to go. I'm not too sure what to do about it because she comes out saying things like "I have small boobies" when she comes back from her dad's which kind of has me a bit weirded out and makes me want to not send her up to his house either

I'm trying to find a solution to calm my daughter down and kind of to not get her dad upset either because our relationship is strained to say the least but mostly I'm worried about my daughter getting so upset about going to her dad's every weekend she used to get really excited about it. Should I start taking her some weekends or what?

Nari85

I have a similar problem with my 3 year old as well.In my case i am the daddy, lately she has being telling her mom, that she doesn't want to stay over in mine. That is grand but when she is here, she doesn't want to go back to her moms. I asked her about it lately(I know she is only 3) but she said she was only joking with her mom. I don't really know why, I suppose she spends so much time with her mom during the week that the early separation is tough, I also think coming from personal experience that i probably don't give her the same level of attention that her mom does, which i've tried to change over the weeks...I'm sure its only a passing phase(I hope so anyway)

Morag

Take to her Dad about it.
I'd start off asking him how she is when she gets to his house, tell him she's been talking about not wanting to go and has she said anything to him and is she ok when she gets there or does she be unsettled.

clumsypolly

I have just been racking my brain for the last few weeks about what I can do because I feel he's not putting in the effort you are to improving the situation but he doesn't know that for at least 4 weeks running she has been getting upset not wanting to go up to his house but at the same time I'd hate to tell him that or ask has anything changed up in his house because it wouldn't be a nice thing to hear at all but at the same time I'm more concerned about my daughter getting so upset, so I have no idea what I'm meant to do, with all different things thrown in that makes me want to keep her back every once in a while!

Morag

Does she go every weekend?
Surely you'd like to have a weekend with her at least once a month.

clumsypolly

@sharrow, to be honest his word isn't the best thing to go by when it comes to our daughter so it kind of feels like there's no point in asking because he would say things are fine even if not but I know I should it's very hard to talk to him about these things it's difficult but I have to suck it up for her sake, maybe meeting up and sitting down and talking with him would be better it's very hard talking at the door when his brother is waiting for them to get in to drop them up! I've sat and talked to him before but it was fine for a very short while he's in his 30's and 7 years older than me I'm sick of reminding him about being a parent but I guess it's just a case of having to do it every time for my child's sake!

clumsypolly

Yes she does stay here sometime weekends like every few weeks mostly because i need to take her which is great but but I'm thinking about setting it as a permanent thing our agreement when we split nearly three years ago has been every weekend but I think it's time for a change, it's not going to be easy but it's hard to know what to really do what to really say, I wouldn't want things to get heated but I really want to make my point too!

Cottontail

did you ask your little girl why she doesn't want to go to her Dad's house?

lippy11

From reading this the most alarming bit to me is the "I have small boobies bit".. Have you asked her why she would say this? Very unusual thing for a little 3 and half year old to come out with?!

foxy06

Agree with above post. Serious alarm bells going off reading that she said 'I have small boobies'. You will need to talk to her and her father about that.

8ofSpades

I was in a similar situation with my son who is now 5.
At that age he used to cry when I picked him up but it was only a phase he went through.
In my own case it wasnt helped by the mother who used to give him his soother and take it off him just before going even though we had both agreed to stop giving it to him months before, im sure your case is different tho.
Plus once we got back to the house he was fine and similar to another poster didnt want to go back sometimes.
Its tough for them at that age going between houses I suppose but it would be worse of they didnt have access to both parents IMHO.
My advice is work through it and it will pass.

The boobies comment is a little worrying but it could have been picked up anywhere. Be worth asking questions tho for sure for peace of mind.

clumsypolly

I have tried asking her why she doesn't want to go to her dads but she just gets hysterical and just keeps saying I don't want to go over and over again, she is attending speech therapy so it's harder for her to explain something to me, I have also asked about the boobies thing she has said but I cannot get anything out of her at all, I'm not trying to bad name anyone like I have my issues with her dad that are on going but I never let that get in the way of anything because I know children can pick up on these things, the thing is she only came out saying that when she got back from her dads house and hadn't been in play school since the Wednesday before so it pretty much seems like it came from there! If I ask him where she got that he might deny it but I have to ask him later now when he comes with his brother to pick her up! it's very hard to speak to him about these things because I don't know how to put it without getting heated!

clumsypolly

I really appreciate that other parents find the I have small boobies thing a bit alarming, none of my friends have babies so I don't know any other parents really beside my own! At least I'm not feeling like a crazed paranoid person!

kellso81

My neice is 4 and in the last few weeks she has come in to her parents showing her dance moves which consists of bending over and slapping her ass! On another occasion she lifted up her top and said 'hello boys' to her father in a very suggestive manner! I'm actually laughing at how ridiculous it was while typing this! Apparently the babysitter puts on MTV and lets them have 'discos' in the living room! Just shows how much they soak up at this age and how sexually suggestive so much media is nowadays! The 'boobies' comment is certainly something to follow up on but I wouldn't go jumping to conclusions

Roselm

Would her dad have a new girlfriend who your daughter might have seen getting dressed or something?hence the boobies comment. I remember my younger sister making some similar comment at that age when she and my mum were getting dressed together.
Maybe she also likes going up less because there is a new person there that she doesn't know?

smelltheglove

I have 2 girls and I have to say I do not find the boobies thing a bit alarming at all! Even with my younger brothers when they were around that age they would say things like I have nipples you have boobies/ My youngest is 4 and for about 2 years likes to tell daddy he has pimples, (she confuses nipples with pimples) and that she does to but mammy has boobies and hers wll be boobies too. It can come out of the blue sometimes.

OP are you in a relationship? My eldest had a similar issue at that age to be honest. I met my husband when she was 1 and after a few weeks of crying going to daddies house I finally got to the bottom of it, she wanted my hubbie to be her daddy she said. It turned out she had said that in her daddies and someone there, he lived at home, told her she wasnt allowed say it as it was bold. I spoke to her Daddy about this, he wasnt aware at all and he did seem upset by it but I explained that if he made the effort with her, made her feel special and did something just the 2 of them did that there would be no competition.

That was 6 years ago, she loves going to her Daddies every second week, they go to the cinema, they get pizza and stay up late, he plays arts and crafts with her which she loves and although she sometimes calls my husband daddy it is more like a pet nae she uses for him. Of course she loves her step dad but she has her daddy, there was a simple hiccup which was sorted quite quickly. Even whe he met someone, yes she seemed a little funny about it at first but after we met the new girlfriend, who is lovely, we would mention her every once in a while and say how lovely she is. In fact there are times when our youngest wants to go with my ex just for the fun of it.

You would be surprised at how much a 3 year old can tell you once you get them to open up. If you find it hard getting to the bottom of things try role playing with dolls etc

moley

The boobies comment honestly sounds normal, three years old is when most children become more aware of their bodies and differences between theirs and others. I know my three year old and all of my 13 nieces/nephews said similar weird little things.

Just talk to her about why she doesn't want to go, or better yet ask her what fun things she did at dad's and then talk about those things when it's time the next weekend so she remembers the good parts. If she's not doing anything fun there that may be a huge part of it, I know one of my nieces would wail and scream that she didn't want to go to daddy's like it was the end of the world - and it was all because he didn't have her favourite DVD for her to watch there! It's probably just separation anxiety, which is also pretty normal. It's more distressing for us as parents than it is for them

stovelid

Roselm wrote: »

Would her dad have a new girlfriend who your daughter might have seen getting dressed or something?hence the boobies comment. I remember my younger sister making some similar comment at that age when she and my mum were getting dressed together.

Kinda what I thought. Like young boys of that age are so curious about shared body parts if they see older men getting dressed.

Also OP: do you discuss her father with her. Or maybe she has somehow picked up the strained vibes you are describing.

irishjig69b

the fact that she is saying i have small boobies would send al;arm bells ringing in my ears.....who else is in the house when she's der??? if my child said that when she came back....she would not b going again

Gilda Fortune

If something doesnt feel right about this situation to you and something isint adding up - why would you risk sending ur daughter to her dads.
you must know him as you had a child with him - what is he like - where you ever suspicious of him when you were with him? is he odd, did he watch weird porn? anything at all wrack ur brain? if the answer is yes then you need to stop sending her therel. a 3 year old does not normally make comments like that unless she hears them somewhere. your child- your the mother - its up to you to protect her.
if you are afraid to talk to ur ex about ur childs happieness this is wrong in itself. i would stop the weekend trips immediately and insist he visit your house while you are there and can see what they are like together

Shellygoose

OP have you tried doing a form of art therpy with your daughter? I dont mean take her to see an art therapist or anything, but get her to draw pics of what she does with her daddy, as you mentioned she is going to speech therapy so verbalising things may be difficult for her. This will give you a platform to discuss things with her....3 year olds are a lot smarter then we give them credit.

I went through the same thing with my daughter and her dad. We spilt up just before she turned one. At first he was great for taking her...up to 3 or 4 afternoons a week. But over time it gradually became less. Then she started to tell me she didnt want to go to see him....hysterics began...i became extremely concerned about this - asking myself a hundred and one questions, always thinking the worse. Turned out that they didnt do anything "special" during their time together....just sat in and watched TV. The reason she didnt want to go was because she could have spent that time playing with her friends instead. It took me awhile to get this information out of her....but i asked her to draw pictures of what she did with her dad and this is how i found out.

Once she was in bed that nite I contacted her dad. We had a conversation about it, he didnt realise her feelings on it at all. So now when she does see him they do "fun" stuff together.

My advise would be try the art with her, have a casual chat with her when doing it, and if there are still concerns in your head, pick up the phone and contact her dad. If your afraid things are going to get heated, write a list of things you want to discuss, and if you feel like you are losing control of the conversation count to 10 in your head and take a deep breath, and bring the conversation back to where you need it to be!

Good Luck!

nesf

irishjig69b wrote: »

the fact that she is saying i have small boobies would send al;arm bells ringing in my ears.....who else is in the house when she's der??? if my child said that when she came back....she would not b going again

I don't know about that, my son was going around saying that he had a small penis around that age (except as Gaelige), he'd also go around saying that he had rudaí bainne (milk things, his pet name for breasts) except that there was no bainne there and other such stuff. Thankfully he only ever said it to myself and the wife and not to visitors as that would have been a bit embarrassing but still, it's relatively normal behaviour for a child to have pet names for body parts at that age.