Boyfriend just asked me to choose

PatsyR

This is an odd one for me. I'm thinking about taking out a loan of about 10k to buy a car as my current one is on the way out. Anyway my boyfriend is completely against it, he says it will add to my already stressful life and he can't support that so he's actually just said to me that it's him or the car. I really don't know what to do, I love him so much that the idea of losing him is making me feel sick but on the other hand I'm not sure how I would feel about him if I gave into him over this.

Ickle Magoo

Well, has he got a point? Do you have a very stressful life and does he feel the brunt of that sometimes? Would a car loan debt exacerbate things?

On one hand I'm no fan of ultimatums but then I've no idea what's behind him making it...

PatsyR

I'm sick at the moment and doc says its down to stress and diet. Boyfriend bears the brunt of it with having a sick girlfriend but we don't exactly fight or anything, I don't take things out on him. He's worried about me losing my job for any reason and then having this massive loan I can't pay off. I don't stress over my finances, my main worries are the huge panic attacks I'm always getting, that's the cause of my stress and fact I hate my job but I really can't believe he's being this cold about it especially when it's not really any of his business

Acoshla

I can see his point. If you have panic attacks because you hate your job so much (been there so I know what it's like) then you really shouldn't be taking out a ten grand loan to just buy a car, what happens if you decide you can't stick your job any more because of the effects on your health (like I had to do) or lose your job and then you are not only unemployed but have a huge loan hanging over you that has to be paid? That would be pretty stressful, he is telling you to avoid this. You might not stress over your finances now but I assure you you will if you are faced with either of these outcomes.

And tbh if you need a new car because your own one is dying there are plenty of options below €10,000, I can't really understand the logic of burdening yourself that much for it, you could pick up a car for a couple of grand if you had to. It's a totally avoidable financial burden that you're choosing to get, when really you are not in a good place to be agreeing to paying that much for the foreseeable future.

PatsyR

My parents told me that if things got too bad and I couldn't manage it they would help me out, does that make any difference?

Distorted

Thats very controlling behaviour on his part. If you work then you decide how to spend your money and what debt to take on. I see his point if you have a history of other debts or would struggle to pay this one, but to say you will finish with someone if they don't do what you want with their own money is manipulative. Surely there must be more to this?

I agree its better to buy a car for cash though, as newer ones bought on credit can still break down.

PatsyR

That's what I'm thinking, it's my money and my life and I know we're not going to be together forever (he's talking about going to the army next year) so I don't want to change my plans based on someone else

Distorted

Which is great, although in that case, I don't think you should rely on your parents as a back-up plan. But yes, your life, your mistakes and triumphs to make and learn from.

LittleBook

PatsyR wrote: »

I'm sick at the moment and doc says its down to stress and diet. Boyfriend bears the brunt of it with having a sick girlfriend but we don't exactly fight or anything, I don't take things out on him. He's worried about me losing my job for any reason and then having this massive loan I can't pay off. I don't stress over my finances, my main worries are the huge panic attacks I'm always getting, that's the cause of my stress and fact I hate my job but I really can't believe he's being this cold about it especially when it's not really any of his business

Sounds like an intervention to me. I agree that ultimatums are not the basis for a healthy relationship but it seems like your boyfriend is more worried about you than you are.

And I find the fact that you're happy to turn to your parents if you can't pay your debts a bit worrying.

PatsyR wrote: »

I love him so much that the idea of losing him is making me feel sick

PatsyR wrote: »

I really can't believe he's being this cold about it especially when it's not really any of his business

PatsyR wrote: »

I know we're not going to be together forever

Does he know this? This doesn't sound like a very serious or long-term relationship. If that's the case then it really is none of his business and you can feel free to tell him so.

dearg lady

10,000 is an awful lot to spend on a car, particularly when you're so stressed over work. Tbh, I'd say he's right in this instance, although an ultimatum is an extreme reaction.
Re your further points, if you know it's goin to last, is there any point in staying in the relationship? Have you discussed that it won't be forever?

tenchi-fan

PatsyR wrote: »

My parents told me that if things got too bad and I couldn't manage it they would help me out, does that make any difference?

Then take the €10k loan off your parents.. ask them to put their money where their mouth is.

Your boyfriend's right by the way.

LegacyUser

first if you two are planning a future together then i can see why he'd be upset, if you two were to get married in 5 years time, and you have a loan at that point it would become his responsibility too and thus it is his problem,

if you are not planning a long term relationship i would still suggest you take a €5000 loan and buy a cheaper car, you can get good deals out there for that price (county pending)

secondly, i personally think nether of you is right on this one, as a couple you should be able to compromise on big money decisions, or at least discuss a compromise.

thirdly i wouldn't rely on your parents as a bail out, a part of growing up is learning to accept responsibility for your actions, for all you know your parents might be/get into financial difficulty what would happen if it came to it and they couldn't afford to pay?

i make a rule to never borrow money from family and friends, it saves so much hassle long term.

Tandey

Well i cant for the life of me see why you would get a loan of 10grand for a new car when there are lots of other good cars that you can get for about half that amount.

But if your boyfriend really loves you then he is only trying you out in a way, he wouldn't leave you over this alone, if he really loves you.

If you really want to go ahead with getting a 10grand loan you really should be able to do that and you should sit down with your bf and explain to him and tell him you want this and let him know that you realise how caring he is towards you and what you do jsut assure him and say it would be madness to break up over such a thing.

If he does break up over it then your better off without him imo.

PatsyR

PatsyR wrote: »

That's what I'm thinking, it's my money and my life and I know we're not going to be together forever (he's talking about going to the army next year) so I don't want to change my plans based on someone else

It's not your money. It's a debt you want to sign up for, a debt which you want to take on for no good reason (seriously, you don't need 10k for a car ffs) when you are having panic attacks in a job you hate.

It is your life BUT then you say:

my main worries are the huge panic attacks I'm always getting, that's the cause of my stress and fact I hate my job

and I suppose he is there for you and supportive when you have these "huge panic attacks".

Beruthiel

PatsyR wrote: »

my main worries are the huge panic attacks I'm always getting, that's the cause of my stress and fact I hate my job

I would not tolerate anyone throwing up an ultimatum like your b/f has done. That was a silly move on his part.
However, it does not take away from the fact that he has a very good point.

Firstly, Why are you in a job that is seriously affecting your health?
It is only when we get sick that we come to realise how important our health is.
You should be doing everything in your power to find a different job. That should be your very first priority.

Secondly, I cannot for the life of me understand why you would want to saddle yourself with a 10k debt. You can get a much cheaper car than that!
I was 40 when I bought my first car. Before that, I drove a motorbike for 10 years.
The only thing I have ever taken a loan out for was my home. Everything else I saved for, hence driving a motorbike was affordable and a car was not.

Thirdly, your parents.
It was generous of them to offer, but unless I was in absolute dire straights, I would not take a penny from them.
This is just a bug bear I have personally. I have always managed to support myself and have been lucky enough to never have to ask my parents for a dig out.
Live within your means Patsy, it's a good way to go through life.

LegacyUser

Your boyfriend may simply want a responsible adult as his partner. Borrowing vast sums for a car is not responsible behaviour, it should be possible to fund this from savings.

Wompa1

I've had a couple of ex's who didn't handle stress very well. My sister also gets very sick with stress and ironically did buy a car for a bit more than 10k...it add considerable more stress as the value of the car decreased significantly, loan interest increased etc. She's in and out of hospital with headaches, upset stomach, she's developed IBS, doesn't eat right, is also drowsy.

Your b/f is obviously saying this because you are hard to take. It's stressful to be around someone who is always stressed! He could see you getting the car as you adding to your stress and not doing enough to try and resolve your stress issues...?

IrishEyes19

I thinks its completely unbelievable, you are a grown woman, working, earning your own wages and have every right to pay as little or much for an item if you want. Id be annoyed if a family member never mind a bf gave me an ultimatum. what does he think it is, a teenage relationship or something, where he can throw a hissy fit and make threats like that. I think its very childish.

fghijkl

It has nothing to do with the car or the loan IMHO*

he says it will add to my already stressful life and he can't support that

I'm sick at the moment and doc says its down to stress and diet. Boyfriend bears the brunt of it

Having been around someone in the past who's always stressed, it can be so so incredibly draining and really impacts on your own health and your own stress levels. It sounds like your boyfriends had enough of your stressful lifestyle (which i'm not neccesarily saying is your own fault) but maybe he sees that you're not really doing anything to improve your own situation? Maybe he just doesn't want to be around someone who doesn't make any effort to try and sort out their problems anymore? Maybe he can't handle all the stress from you being so stressed?

If the doc says it's partly down to diet, have you done anything to make changes to your diet?

You hate your job to the point that it's physically making you ill, and yet you're still in the job?! No jobs worth that tbh

And now you want to add a 10k debt into the mix which you can't afford ( i say can't afford because if you could afford it then you'd have savings to pay for it and you wouldn't need a load in the first place)

Also the fact that you're willing to allow your parents to cover your ass if you can't pay it back would suggest that you don't really try to stand on your own two feet, sort out your own problems?

Maybe i'm way off the mark here but it sounds like your boyfriend has had enough of your lifestyle choices in general, and see's that ye're not compatable long term (maybe he's more proactive and sensible with money?) and this is his way of bringing the subject up, or forcing you into a breakup, now while it's not the most mature way to do either, it really has nothing to do with the loan or the car in my opinion.

If you don't see the relationship going anywhere either, maybe it's time to sit down and have a chat with him about the real issues behind the ultamatim and discuss what future ye have, if any?


* taking out a 10K loan for a car, when you suffer from stress and hate your job is a terrible idea in my humble opinion. Even if you had 10K in savings i'd still think you were mad to spend that much on a brand new car tbh. Did nobody learn anything from the celtic tiger years?!

Wompa1

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I thinks its completely unbelievable, you are a grown woman, working, earning your own wages and have every right to pay as little or much for an item if you want. Id be annoyed if a family member never mind a bf gave me an ultimatum. what does he think it is, a teenage relationship or something, where he can throw a hissy fit and make threats like that. I think its very childish.

I don't think his problem is with her buying the car it's with the extra stress she will put herself under which will then impact on him. He's probably already feeling under stress due to her stress and is simply saying if she's just going to top more onto herself he's finished

borderlinemeath

You say in your OP "I love him so much that the idea of losing him is making me feel sick"

Then you say "I know we're not going to be together forever (he's talking about going to the army next year) so I don't want to change my plans based on someone else"

Are these confused thoughts because of the ultimatum he put to you? Or has he been the one to say that the relationship won't survive as he will be joining the army? If it's at his suggestion he may be looking for a way out and the car loan may be just an excuse.

You also say that you don't worry about your finances:
"I don't stress over my finances, my main worries are the huge panic attacks I'm always getting"

Ok, your health is effected by your job/diet, so something has got to give. And if it's your job then you will end up stressing about your finances on top of your panic attacks. So I wouldn't go getting into €10k debt + interest for the sake of getting a new car.

Out of interest OP, how are your finances? Have you savings? Or are you a shopaholic? If it's the latter then your boyfriend is right, you shouldn't get yourself into further debt if you cannot demonstrate an ability to manage your existing cash flow.

thefeatheredcat

I think you are trying to get away from dealing with one set of stresses ie your job, being ill as a result of job, diet etc by trading them all in for a new set of stress to add on top of that. I think you're looking to get the car loan really as an excuse not to fix your original stress ie your job.

Why are you putting effort into considering a new car and a loan (even the effort of shopping for a loan) and you should be putting in the effort into dealing with yourself healthwise and finding a new job?

Given the height of the stress that you face.... if you were to chuck in your current job, would you feel healthy enough to start straight into another without recovering from the stress of last job or would you need or be told by your GP to have time to recover and recuperate yourself?
Consider then, will you be able to recover as expected by your GP or will you be as frazzled and stressed out and in poor health due to the €10k loan on a car and not having a job to finance it?

It sounds more like rather than dealing with the original problem, you're just ignoring it and trying to find something else to distract you with by finding 3 other problems - the car loan which your boyfriend doesn't approve, the lack of support your boyfriend provides to the idea of the additional stress, and the lack of a solid long term relationship between you both.

Don't try to replace one problem with 3 other problems or go looking to create problems where there are none. Just deal with the original problem, your job that is making you ill.

I would hazard a guess that your boyfriend is trying to get you to see how illogical it would be to take out a loan given the circumstances, and I do agree with him, there's no sense in adding more stress to a pot full of stress where there is no room or energy to deal with it as there are so many uncertainties and unknown variables to consider with your own unpredictability in health and behaviour. He does love you if he is willing to stand by and support an ill girlfriend, that certainly speak volumes imo.


I suggest you and your boyfriend sit down and talk this out beginning to end, hear each of you out about the whole situation and where your relationship is going, given the hints you both have given eachother but not expressed explicitly.

pappyodaniel

one word
Bangernomics.

LegacyUser

Can I give you one bit of advice don't take out a loan for €10k to buy a car when you are stressed. You think a newer car will make life better and cheer you up but taking on debt will not help you.
I stayed in a job for months due to money worries where my boss bullied me each day.
It got so bad I got a doc cert due to stress and I never went back to this job but if I had a €10k loan I would have to go back.
Keep your present car and look at where you can cut back and save money.
Save some money, sell your car and buy a car with your savings or a small loan of 2 or 3k.
If you get sick or lose your job you don't need the stress of being in debt.

wasper

PatsyR wrote: »

the cause of my stress and fact I hate my job but I really

I think thats the crust of the problem. You hate your job, you might walk out tomorrow & then find it hard to get another job. He is worried you add to your problems with 10K debt.