Ex's partners

Smashhits

Hi All

Mods feel free to move if i've posted in the wrong place.

My daughter met her dad's new girlfriend last week for the first time, daughter is 12. We've only been separated about a year. Prior to this I wanted her to stay with her dad but my daughter did want to meet the partner. Now that she has she seems to be all talk about the partner.

Basically my question is how do you feel about your children talking/meeting ex's partners?

I'll admit I'm not comfortable with my daughter talking about her but I know it's something I'll have to live with I just don't know how.

I suppose I should add it was because my ex was cheating with this person that the separation occurred.
Thanks

Moonbeam

My mother only had 2 ,I have lost count of the amount that my dad has had, the best thing to do is let her talk openly about her and if she likes her it is good.

Cookie Jar

My little girl is 3 and after she comes back from her dad's house she constantly talks about his girlfriend and what they did, etc.
At the start I will admit, I was a bit upset about it, maybe because I felt like I was being replaced. But I got over it.
Now I'm glad that they get on, would be a lot worse if my daughter didn't like the girlfriend as that may get in the way of her relationship with her dad.

wolfpawnat

My mother had 3 partners after my father (2 were absolutely too young for her, not to mention absolute wastes of space) but one was there for us like a dad and it drove my father insane, because he had little time for us, so a man doing the job he refused to do was no doubt irritating for him, especially because he blamed that man for the breakup of the marriage, though I have my doubts!

My father had one girlfriend after my mother, whom he is with for the last 16 years and married 6 years ago. My mother had no time for her either, can't say I blame her, the woman was horrible to us.

All in all, my experience tells me all parents get upset/jealous when children talk about what daddy's girlfriend did with them or if mummy's boyfriend moves in, but if the parents listen and just paying attention to the child and if the partner is good to the child, as much as it irritates you don't let it show to your child. I understand the hurt about it, but let your child form their own opinion.

And fair dues for accepting this is all par for the course, not many people show your level headedness

Smashhits

Thanks wolfpawnat
I know it's something I'll get used to, I just find it another kick in my teeth. I love my daughter and will suck it up for her sake, she is the most important person in all this and she does have a very good relationship with her dad that I refuse to jeopardise.
I have kept my opinions to myself as I know nothing about my ex's partner. I don't have any issues with her it's my ex i have the problem with.
It's just been a difficult year and it's another step on the road. I haven't reached the stage yet where I feel comfortable dating so that could be another issue in my head.
Thanks again.

yungwan

Hi OP.

I totally know where you are coming from.

It isnt easy having to accept your daughter has a total other life with your ex and his new partner.

I am in a similar situation where my son goes to stay with his Dad and his GF and her kids. It was strange for me, but I have gotten so used to it now its just normal for us all.

The strangest thing of all was when my son's Dad had a daughter with his new GF a few years ago. It was very strange for me to get my head around my son having a sister somewhere else. But again, he is totally fine with it so I am too.

The important thing is to never act strange about it around your daughter. Children have a remarkable way of accepting things as they are, but you putting doubts in her mind about "normality" would change that.

You sound like you are doing a good job the way you are handling it now though. So well done!

mldub

My ex met his new gf only 8 months after he moved out. Although I instigated the separation it was still very difficult to handle the idea that a new woman had any input into my childs life (after all she is a stranger to me even though my ex is not stupid and won't choose someone inappropriate). However I've come to realise that it is a bonus for my child to be in the company of the new gf and her child (the 2 children are roughly the same age), my husband didn't have a great relationship with our child and she actually enjoys the time she spends with him when his gf and child are there too, more than she enjoys just being with him alone. It's all about the children so as you say you just have to live with it, but it is hard. You are not alone in struggling with accepting it.

smelltheglove

I would encourage it if I was you, I think it is best for the child that you get on, or at least seem to and if her dad is going to stay with this lady then they should get along and build a relationship between them, it does not mean she will replace you in your daughters eyes, this will never happen, she is just an extra body to add into the equation. My daughters daddy got a new girlfriend a couple of years ago, they met last year and they really get on. My eldest isnt one to discuss feelings etc so doesnt say much but my youngest, who by the way is my husbands daughter, is mad about the new girlfriend:rolleyes:

Of course ours is a different dynamic to yours, you being recently split and this person being involved in the split too will of course make it hard for you but as someone who went through parents splitting at the age of 12 also I can only advise you to try and keep your feelings for the person away from your daughter, she is at a tender age where puberty will be sending her emotions everywhere and the best thing you can possibly do for her is to try and be happy that things are going well with her daddys new partner. Sure at times you will want to scream and shout, 'shes not all that' but best just wait until the little one isnt around;)

Best of luck with it.

Sleepy

As someone who is "the new boyfriend", I'd say deal with the lady on her merits or otherwise. Your jealousy / emotional response to your ex having a new partner is entirely your problem, making it your childs will be something they hold against you in later life.

My step-son's dad has become a good friend of mine at this stage. Yes, it was a little awkward at first but we all just had a laugh at how awkward we were being and now it's gotten to the point where our kids effectively have 3 sets of grandparents (bloody nightmare at Christmas and Birthdays, our kids have more toys than they know what to do with!).

The "easy" path to go down here is to try and poison the child against your ex's partner as she's an "evil family-wrecker". Sure, you probably hate her for that but, lets be fair, she owed you nothing, it was your ex that should have been faithful to you and, hate him as you might, you'll have to deal with him for the rest of your life as the father of your child.

If you can't bring yourself to befriend the woman yourself (what I'd recommend as the best possible outcome for your child in this situation) or even encourage your child to, I would at an absolute minimum make sure you don't let the child detect any animosity you feel towards her.

metrovelvet

I have no experience of this.

But my two cents would say deal with her and treat her solely on how she treats your child.

If she settles with your ex she will become the second most important woman to your daughter, next to you, as she will be the second role model as your daughter gets ushered into womanhood, which will start anyday now.