Male advice please....

outofsteam

hi all,
My boyfriend and I have been together for over five years on and off... On for the last three...
We have been living together as a couple for 2 years now and are in the process of building a house.
We have been going through a few dry spells over the past few months which I am really concerned about. The first one was last October before we went on holidays. I tried everything- new lingerie, new moves, old favourites etc but kept getting turned down. We talked about it and he said it was because I had put on weight (BTW 7 or 8 lbs does not a heifer make...). I became, for the first time ever, completely uncomfortable around him and paranoid about my weight. It wasn't until almost February that I felt ok enough about how I looked to actually get changed in the same room as him again. Things got back on track for a while but now its back to square one again...
I'm not heavy, I'm 5ft 9 and weigh a little over ten stone... I've dumped all the nice bits of lingerie I had because everytime I opened the drawer I couldn't stand seeing them there, reminding me of how horrible I am to him. I feel like something he has scraped off his shoe... He says it's not me but how can it not be when he doesn't even want to hug or kiss me. He says he loves me... But I would never dream of making him feel like this about himself...
I don't know what to think...

Taltos

outofsteam wrote: »

I've dumped all the nice bits of lingerie I had because everytime I opened the drawer I couldn't stand seeing them there, reminding me of how horrible I am to him.

Would you consider dumping him?
My OH's response to hearing your thread was - "there is clearly something wrong with him..."
Look I don't really like the whole BMI thingy but your height and weight on a free BMI calculator comes in at 20 to 21 putting you smack dab in the middle of NORMAL....

Maybe he has unrealistic expectations from watching all the movie stars sailing about - forgetting about their personal trainers, botox and the liposuction and strange diets they use.

You might consider having one more talk with him - however if he is negatively impacting your self image then you have to decide what is more important
> his distorted view of you
> or your own self-worth.....

And what happens as you age or have children - it is very hard to hold back the effects of time. Long term this guy does not sound like a very supportive partner...
Saying that - if you were wildly overweight then I would hope he would say something out of concern for your health - but you are not - so really what excuse does he have? None...
My OH raised this with me a few years ago when I had put on quite a lot of weight traveling with work - but never ever ever did she say she found me unattractive as a result - so I went to a doctor who confirmed I needed to lose some weight (did the whole health screening thing)... In your case the only weight you should consider losing is your deluded boyfriend...

curlzy

Hey OP,

I really would dump him if I were you. You're a completely healthy weight. The fact that he would devastate your self esteem and confidence like that is really, really, shocking. I'm 5'8" and I tend to go between 8 stone and 10 stone. My boyfriend says I'm gorgeous and sexy no matter what weight I am (and he's right btw:D). He would never in a million years make me feel the way your boyfriend is making you feel, it's selfish and nasty.

I would wonder if the problem is actually him? Maybe he can't get it up at the moment and would rather make you feel like **** than man up and be honest. That would be my suspician because there's defo nothing wrong with the weight you are. Put it like this, I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you're not horny because his manhood is too small? Tell him you've been watching porn and you'd like him to have a huge one like the guys in the films. I wonder how he'd feel about that?:D

Look here's your options; a) put up with being made to feel like **** because you're a teeny tiny bit less than "hollywood" perfect or b) find a real man that wants a real woman and will treat her with some respect and love. I really would dump his ass, his lack of compassion and respect for your self confidence gives me chills to be honest.

Best of luck.

johnr1

curlzy wrote: »

Hey OP,

I really would dump him if I were you. You're a completely healthy weight. The fact that he would devastate your self esteem and confidence like that is really, really, shocking. I'm 5'8" and I tend to go between 8 stone and 10 stone. My boyfriend says I'm gorgeous and sexy no matter what weight I am (and he's right btw:D). He would never in a million years make me feel the way your boyfriend is making you feel, it's selfish and nasty.

I would wonder if the problem is actually him? Maybe he can't get it up at the moment and would rather make you feel like **** than man up and be honest. That would be my suspician because there's defo nothing wrong with the weight you are. Put it like this, I wonder how he'd feel if you told him you're not horny because his manhood is too small? Tell him you've been watching porn and you'd like him to have a huge one like the guys in the films. I wonder how he'd feel about that?:D

Look here's your options; a) put up with being made to feel like **** because you're a teeny tiny bit less than "hollywood" perfect or b) find a real man that wants a real woman and will treat her with some respect and love. I really would dump his ass, his lack of compassion and respect for your self confidence gives me chills to be honest.

Best of luck.

For God's sake Curlzy, that's a bit harsh even by your standards.

Of course, -The man's clearly a b*stard cos his libido has gone to sh*t,and he doesent know why or if it's him, or her, or the relationship. :rolleyes:
He's probably scared shi*less about the fact that just as their relationship is moving on to the next level, making big financial commitments maybe thinking of marriage, that the most basic part seems to be going wrong and he doesen't know why.
I say this because I have someone close to me to whom exactly this happened. Same length of relationship, house being built, engaged with date set.
Nobody knew anything was wrong in the relationship till about six months after they got married and when they split up. He has since told me the whole story, and it reads just like above. He just didn't find her attractive anymore, he loved her, (still does i think years later) but the sexual attraction was just gone. His OH had put on some weight, not ridiculous but more than the OP describes. She did all the things the OP is doing and apparently they just made him feel worse and under more pressure.
When she questioned him as to why he wouldn't touch her, he says he used her weight as a getout clause, to avoid telling her the truth and bring the whole house of cards down.

The end of the sad story is that they split up, and OP I'm sorry to say it, but on this bit I agree with Curlzy, there is unlikely to be any saving this.
But your Oh is probably not the bollo*cks she paints him as.
The saddest part of the story is that they both knew that something was seriously wrong before they got married but ignored it hoping that it would go away. She lost the last five of her childbearing years to the relationship, and he has not been in a relationship since. Two lives ruined.

My advice Op is to get this sorted one way or the other before ye move on any further with house or any other plans. Maybe try counselling to get to the root of whats going on, but don't go on unless this is completely understood and resolved.
Best of luck.

carlybabe1

johnr1 wrote: »

For God's sake Curlzy, that's a bit harsh even by your standards.

He's probably scared shi*less about the fact that just as their relationship is moving on to the next level, making big financial commitments maybe thinking of marriage, that the most basic part seems to be going wrong and he doesen't know why.

Excuses excuses excuses!! If every man who ever worried about relationships moving to the next level/paying a mortage/getting married we would
a) have a lot more women looking for affairs and b) have a lot less parttime/fatherless children cause it would cause so much stress they couldnt get it up in the first place :rolleyes:

When she questioned him as to why he wouldn't touch her, he says he used her weight as a getout clause, to avoid telling her the truth and bring the whole house of cards down.

now this sounds like a very good get out clause, physically it wont work, i dont want to see a doctor about it cause my Ego cant take it so I'll light on something she feels most conscious and vulnerable about. What a man eh??



Op, you need to either throw the ball back to him, tell him you're not happy with how things are, he either goes and talks to someone, or he goes full stop. you need to stop sacrificing your confidence for his ego, a relationship is a two way street. And by the way, at 5'10 and 10.5 stone is lighter than your recommended weight (depending on ur build)
Personally I think you should kick him to the kerb before you end up like the heifer hes making you feel like. No-one deserves to be made to feel that way, and its so damaging to your self esteem

Miss Fluff

outofsteam wrote: »

I feel like something he has scraped off his shoe... He says it's not me but how can it not be when he doesn't even want to hug or kiss me. He says he loves me... But I would never dream of making him feel like this about himself..

Empty words him saying he loves you if he can't even be affectionate with you anymore. I think the weight gain is an excuse. Half a stone does not make you a porker, and the fact that he can't even bring himself to hug, kiss or reassure you anymore suggests there is way way more to this.

Rather than try and solve all of this through actions, it might actually be time to sit down and talk about what's really going on. This goes deeper than it being all fixed by a sexy bra and knickers.

From reading your description I would think either:

• He just doesn't fancy you anymore. He might love you as a sister or a friend but he just might not want to sleep with you anymore because the relationship is coming to its natural end
  
• He is cheating
  
• His libido has plummeted as a result of anxiety/depression or some other condition or medication he may be taking

Tbh one of the three above is most likely your answer so you really need to have an open and honest discussion. You also need to be prepared for him telling you the truth which you really might not like.

johnr1

Quote
Excuses excuses excuses!! If every man who ever worried about relationships moving to the next level/paying a mortage/getting married we would
a) have a lot more women looking for affairs and b) have a lot less parttime/fatherless children cause it would cause so much stress they couldnt get it up in the first place :rolleyes:
Quote end

Carlybabe, we agree on most of this, just this bit you missed.
I wasn't making excuses for him, go back and re-read my post,
the words you missed were"just as"
I wasn't suggesting that it was because of the above that he lost interest, I ws suggesting that when his losing interest (which he can't control) co-incides with big steps, that it would be doubly terrifying, - "What if we dont make it, after building a house, and showing everyone how we intend to be together for a long time" "How the f**k am I going to tell her I want out" "What the hell is going on, Why dontI want her anymore?"

He needs to man up and end the relationship if that's what he really wants, but I imagine a lot of guys would do what my friend did and stick their heads in the sand for a while first.

outofsteam

Thanks everyone, I did actually sort of tackle him about it last Friday, he said he would sit down with me and talk about it but I'm still waiting for that to happen... After reading all of your responses I'm lying here beside him as he is snoring his head off and I'm bawling... What now? I don't know what to do... I'm not able for any of this...

Kimia

I'm so sorry OP but tough and all as it is to hear, it sounds like he just doesn't fancy you anymore.. It happens sometimes and it's horrific because the love is still there.

My last resort would be to not instigate anything with him for a while - I'd give him say 3-4 months. If he hasn't tried anything with you (am i right in saying he doesn't even kiss you??) then I'm afraid it appears he's just not interested anymore. I'm sorry.

outofsteam

Thanks everyone, it's the last thing I wanted to hear but it sounds like it's either accept that this is the end for us or go on pretending he's fine with me and that everythings ok... Neither of these are easy to swallow but the truth is often like that

LegacyUser

I really feel for you it's very sad,as someone who has been through this all i can say is you need to look after yourself the constant rejection from him will eventually wear you down and you don't deserve it.

In my case my boyfriend also dodged the bullet,he wouldnt speak about it and he pretended everything was fine, in the end i dumped him i told him i couldn't go on feeling unloved. I had been with him for five years but i knew i could no longer stay with him.

Since i dumped him i have been so happy i now can find someone who wants me. Best of luck. I hope everything works out well for you.

outofsteam

He came home again saying he hadn't had time to think that he'd speak to me about it tomorrow... Which is what he's been doing for the last week so I've told him I'll be gone by the time he gets home... He's finally got his wish...

Taltos

outofsteam wrote: »

He came home again saying he hadn't had time to think that he'd speak to me about it tomorrow... Which is what he's been doing for the last week so I've told him I'll be gone by the time he gets home... He's finally got his wish...

He really hasn't given you much of a choice OP.
Don't ever doubt yourself again, whatever his excuse telling someone who is a healthy weight the lies he did, making you lose confidence is just wrong in so many ways.

Beruthiel

outofsteam wrote: »

We talked about it and he said it was because I had put on weight (BTW 7 or 8 lbs does not a heifer make...)

If the man refuses to go near you because you put on 8lbs, then I'd be inclined to dump his ass.
Why? Because you are young now and in your prime, there will come a time when that is no longer the case and if he cannot accept a few lbs now then he is in no way ready to accept what's coming down the line.

curlzy

outofsteam wrote: »

He came home again saying he hadn't had time to think that he'd speak to me about it tomorrow... Which is what he's been doing for the last week so I've told him I'll be gone by the time he gets home... He's finally got his wish...

Hey OP,

First of all *big hug*, you're really having a ****ty time of it at the moment. But I really feel that you've dodged a bullet! I think you can see from all the replies here that not a single one of us thinks that you're over weight at all, so put that out of your mind for a start.

The collective thinking on it seems to be that, as Ms Fluff said, it's either that he;
a) can't perform,
b) isn't attracted to you anymore or
c) may be cheating.

Now I wouldn't think that it's C), at all. I've heard on here loads of times about people catching their partner cheating and being shocked because they'd also been sleeping with them at the same time so I don't think cheating goes hand in hand with not sleeping with your partner. I'd say you'd have some kind of inkling of shenanigans if that was going on.

If it's b) then you really have dodged a bullet, who wants to be with a man that isn't attracted to them anymore?

If it's a) then again you've really dodged a bullet because a man that would rather make you feel fat and unattractive rather than address his performance problem, be it from stress or whatever, is spineless and nasty. Yeah I get that it's a huge deal to a man if he can't perform and it will really knock their confidence but at the end of the day if he'd rather turn that on you and make you feel that ****ty then he really isn't a great catch. A good man in that situation would be honest and say "sorry love, really amn't feeling great, things just aren't working right at the moment. I love you and I'm attracted to you but my libido is gone and I think it might be from stress blah blah blah". That is how a considerate, caring and honest man would deal with it.

I would say OP, that if he can have an open and honest conversation with you about this, (and he may be willing to when he realises he could loose you), then you should hear him out. It may be that he's in a bit of denial about his inablility to perform, so his hurtfulness may be subconscious rather than deliberate. If that's the case and he can admit it and apologise for making you feel that bad then you guys could have something to build on and at the end of the day there's lots of things you guys could try to fix this, maybe a dr's visit would be a good starting point.

As you see OP all of the above is based on what ifs and congecture. What you really need is a full, open and frank conversation about what's going on. If he can't have that conversation then this libido thing has done you a huge favour, it's show you what he's made of really. At the end of the day I think all men must have experienced this at some point in their life, if he throws his toys out of the pram over this and makes you feel awful, what's gonna happen when a real problem comes up? (no pun intended )

Best of luck OP, mind yourself.

I am a friend

I think you have dodged a bullet because he is the kind of man who wouldnt take time out of his day to think about something thats so important to you.

LegacyUser

Op,

I'm in a similar situation, though without the weight gain issue. My boyfriend and I have been together for five years and have had sex five or six times since the start of 2011. Having read a lot of threads here about how a relationship can't withstand a lack of sex I confronted him about it. He thought it wasn't a big deal, that it was natural for sex to become less interesting after being together for that long, and didn't seem to miss it much. I'm conflicted. On the one hand masturbation keeps me mostly fulfilled but I've a gnawing fear that one day he'll break up with me cos he feels like shagging someone else.

The difference, I suppose, is that I hand a full and frank discussion and believe I got an accurate account of OH's feelings. You have to get the same, for the sake of your sanity alone!