Sad and lonely all the time now

LegacyUser

I'm a guy in my very early thirties. I'm finding it increasingly difficult to cope with my life and my loneliness. I've always gone through periods of being down, depressed but mainly lonely. I've always soldiered on, got through it and resumed normal life. Lately, these periods of loneliness have become more regular and worse than ever. They're almost joining up now.

I was bullied badly in school and the consequential shyness, social awkwardness and sensitivity have been huge barriers to happiness to me. On one hand, I think highly of myself and frustrated that women aren't queuing up for me because I'm such a catch. I usually conclude that I'm too unconventional and just not any combination of sound, rich, outgoing, good-looking enough or whatever and it's because they can't recognise quality. I've always believed it's too negative to really figure out the real 'whys' but I'm not a fool, I know I must be less desirable than average.

Pragmatically speaking, if I were a catch, I think I should have been snapped up but I haven't. I haven't even come close. Not even sort of close. I don't know anyone who's had less experience of the opposite sex than me. I know I risk the hackneyed 'join clubs' and 'go to the gym' 'try online dating' suggestions and any help is appreciated. In particular, having spent the latter part of my twenties in a good place, mentally, it was an unsuccessful experience at online dating, of epic proportions, that really pushed me into the place I now find myself. I tried to get everything right and I never got a single reply. It really knocked my self esteem.

I've always believed that in the cold light of day, human beings shouldn't have to rely on artificial assistance to pair off. It makes me so uncomfortable to consider myself so off the mark and low that I can't be loved 'as is' and I might be one of those people who may just not be cut out for love and romance. There could be nothing more depressing to me. It feels like I'd have to modify myself to the extent of having to defeat natural selection. I feel as if I'm on some kind of knife-edge of self esteem already. I feel that by having to create an artificial alter ego, I have to acknowledge that I'm not good enough.... but I kind of like the person I am, even if other people, particularly women don't appear to think much of me. I think I'm unconventional but quality. It's a catch 22. I think I'm alright as I am but I mustn't be, otherwise I wouldn't be so lonely and desparate all the time.

There is another factor. I'm so incredibly used to being lonely, I can't even invisage being loved or desired. I'll give an example: I was having lunch with friends late last year and our waitress seemed very focused on me. She even kind of fumbled when talking to me. She approached us on false pretenses once or twice. My friends noticed and remarked about this were certain that she must have been taken by me and or we had some history but I wasn't letting on. They wondered if there was something to it. I had to reassure them that I didn't know her. I still firmly believe she had me confused with someone else or there had to be some other reason for this behaviour. She couldn't just 'fancy' me. The thought of the nice girl having eyes for me just couldn't be more alien. I think that if I ever met someone nice, it's destined to never get off the ground. I see friends, male and female who've never had to struggle a fraction as much as I have to meet someone suitable and make things work. In my case, I've spent every day of my life alone, I don't know where to even start when it comes to nurturing a relationship or playing the games or flirting or sex or any of those things that people my age just take for granted. It's just so complicated for someone who has been perpetually on the outside. I thought about myself more recently that I'm somewhere between a hopeless romantic and a romantic with no hope.

That was a hell of a ramble. Thanks for reading. I'll take my cap off to you if you've got this far. I would appreciate your thoughts if you have the time...

MACgirl

Can I just start by saying thank you :eek: I was on the personal issues forum simply because i feel EXACTLY the same way, I could have written your post myself and just reading it has made me feel so much better, that we are indeed not alone

Im exactly the same, EXACTLY the same, i just googled 'i dont want to play the game' cos i feel exactly like you, i feel like im a good person, better even because i'm who I am from the get go, you'll get no lying from me, but it seems that lying is the way it goes, you pretend to be someone else until they know the real you and then you can be together, but im a 'weirdo' cos i dont believe that, id prefer to be myself and for them to be themselves straight away cos at least then we all know from the start? Although, im saying this like i have men beating down my door, which i dont, none, i was bullied as well, i was fat, had no self confidence and let people walk all over me for years, i changed my physical appearance a few years ago and now have been classed as mega hot lol, but now i have very little friends, havent had a boyfriend or even close on over 4 years apart from a two week rebound with someone and i really dont know what to do anymore either, i go to work every day, i finish, i go home and i see my cat, on a Friday sometimes i finish and i wont even speak to another human being until the Monday when i go back to work and its always been that way, i thought like you, maybe there are just some people in the world who are supposed to be on their own cos im ok with myself most of the time, even in any group of friends ive had, ive always been the loner, so im used to it, but recently its just so hard watching people round me have babies or even just go out on dates or talk about a night out they've had with friends and i think of being at home doing nothing. Im approaching 30 now as well and tbh i dont like pubs/clubs anymore and i hate the whole internet dating scene so im in a catch 22 anyway, sorry, ive not been any help at all, but there is more of us out there, im sure and thank you again anyway for your post, its really helped today knowing that im not the only one.

premierlass

unreggedlonelyguy wrote: »

I still firmly believe she had me confused with someone else or there had to be some other reason for this behaviour. She couldn't just 'fancy' me. The thought of the nice girl having eyes for me just couldn't be more alien. I think that if I ever met someone nice, it's destined to never get off the ground. I see friends, male and female who've never had to struggle a fraction as much as I have to meet someone suitable and make things work. In my case, I've spent every day of my life alone, I don't know where to even start when it comes to nurturing a relationship or playing the games or flirting or sex or any of those things that people my age just take for granted. It's just so complicated for someone who has been perpetually on the outside.

I usually conclude that I'm too unconventional and just not any combination of sound, rich, outgoing, good-looking enough or whatever and it's because they can't recognise quality. I've always believed it's too negative to really figure out the real 'whys' but I'm not a fool, I know I must be less desirable than average.

These parts jumped out at me. Someone was flirting with you but you refuse to even accept that fact, so that chance was doomed from the start. If you have the fixed opinion that you are "destined" not to succeed, it becomes a self-fulfilling prophesy. Being unconventional etc. is not a barrier to having a relationship. Women like shy men, believe it or not.

Your lack of self-assurance is holding you back, but I acknowledge the practical issue of getting to know people as well. Dating sites work for some people but aren't for everyone. However, if you're not getting any replies, I would have someone look at your profile because how you come across is important. But for goodness sake don't take it personally. There are all sorts of factors at work.

In real life you need to be able to initiate conversation. Take the situation with the waitress. What would it have hurt to smile and ask her about her day or her work? It seems horribly difficult when you're shy, but think of it as relating to another person. Don't think of every meeting with a woman as potential for getting a date that you are going to mess up. Go into situations where you meet people on a friendly basis and practice. If there's chemistry you can ask someone for a drink or a coffee, if not, what harm. Don't translate difficulties or rejections into personal inadequacy. Being social is a skill you have to learn, and it doesn't come all at once.

Basically, stop thinking of yourself as less or different to other people. You've gone a different route, that's just life.

Taking up a class or volunteering would be a good start to getting out of your comfort zone and making new friends.

Kevin Duffy

Hi OP, what have you done with yourself between school and now that makes you/your life different from back then?

Without giving too many details, what was the bad experience you had of internet dating?

In the scenario of the waitress maybe fancying you, what did you think might happen if you chanced your arm giving her your number?

Since you were with friends at that lunch, does that mean that your issue, as it manifests itself now, entirely stems from romantic and sexual relationships and you otherwise have a social life?

Reward Hunter

This may be not be the type of reply you were looking for, but to give you something a little more diverse perhaps.

You describe social awkwardness, shyness - yet you believe yourself to be an attractive individual, confident in yourself etc.

Have you ever tried to just walk into a bar and pick up a random girl?
Not even a bar, but in a park, strolling around town etc?

I know from what you describe, that's probably the last thing on your mind.
But bare with me.


Firstly, I'd like to say that, for people who might be critical of that attitude and make accusations such as your trying to "objectify" women and so forth (and people will - you'll later understand why); for guys that are well socially versed and go on dates regularly and who's company people and women enjoy, those guys have exactly the same mentality, but for them it occurred more naturally.

Say for example, some guys walk onto a football field and they practice and they get a "feel" for what they're doing and become good players.

Other guys must understand consciously the approach they will take and the means through which they will achieve they're goal (no pun).

They're two slightly varied means to the same ends.


When you begin to endeavor in the aforementioned "pick up" situation, you'll basically be starting from scratch.

We all know that allot of guys attempt to do this, and they fail miserably, and then they give up.
Cause truth be told, it's not an easy thing.
It takes time, patience, allot of hard work and understanding, and some research also.

But as you progress on your path to ultimately achieving a proficiency in that situation, you'll begin to learn and understand the fundamental mechanics of interaction.

Allot of subliminal perceptions and readings come into play.

For example - two different guys might try their luck with a girl at a bar...


Guy No. 1
"Hey, how you doing? Can I get you a drink?"

"No thanks", and she'll turn her back to him.

Guy No. 2
"Hey, how you doing? Can I get you a drink?"

"Hey, good thanks. Yeah, that'd be great. Why don't you pull up a seat?".


I know I said "they might try their luck", but really, luck has nothing to do with it.

It comes down to fact, and understanding, not only of approach, but of the fundamentals of nature as well, which we can so often overlook.


As you develop this proficiency and understanding, you'll find yourself in a place where you can comfortably put together solid and meaningful relationships for yourself.

If you don't mind, just give me your thoughts on how you feel something like that might work for you, or if it's totally off the mark and irrelevant to your situation.

LegacyUser

Hi MACgirl. Thanks for your reply. I really do know how you feel. I know how hard it can be to keep yourself together. I took as much consolation from your reply as you seem to have from my OP. I hope things pan out for you too and you find a place you can be happy and fulfilled while being your wonderful < almost > unique self. Good luck.

@ Premierlass; Thanks for the useful advice. To clarify, with the girl, it's more kind of a disbelief. Kind of 'OMG, I think she's actually flirting with me'. Of course I flirted back, in a 'safe' way. I'm not reclusive or terribly shy. Just kind of reserved. Some would actually say I were quite charming < I would interpret is as a kind of old-fashioned charming, gentlemanly, polite kind of way >. I'm not really afraid of asking girls out, I just prefer to have a rapport with someone first. I would prefer to be sure she is single too. I have a morbid fear of being inappropriate and stepping on people's toes. The girls just always say no, unfortunately.

@ Kevin Duffy; Thanks for the reply. I really don't understand your first question. Are you asking how my approach to life has changed since my darker days in school? I would say I have emerged, somewhat. I don't think I'll ever come fully out of my shell, so to speak. My nature is to be private but I always challenge myself to put myself out there. I never refuse a night out but I always end up more of an observer than a participator. I have changed and evolved where I could. It wasn't a complete transformation but I think I've challenged myself to forsake my comfort zone where I can.

My experience of online dating is that it was simply a waste of time. I'm not being modest. I don't look like a heartbreaker. I'm not ugly but I ain't photogenic and I ain't got no charismatic alter-ego to call upon. I believed my philosophy is, in all things, what you see is what you get. It knocked my self esteem to realise that meant an empty inbox. I didn't scare them off, I gave a true enough account of myself that before I first put up pics, the first contact I had was my sister asking if it was me!! She said she knew it had to be me!

With that girl, I didn't want to lay it all on the table before all and sundry. I would ask that girl out if I was a regular or if I ever developed some kind of rapport with her. I would have to verify it weren't a one-off and that I weren't imagining it.

I have friends. Not a huge amount. The friends I have are good ones. I don't have drinking buddies or fake friends. I'm not totally reclusive but I can spend weekends alone often. TBH, going out on the tear and pulling or shouting in clubs trying to get phone numbers is something that would never sit well with me. I would worry that with my lack of female interaction, going out on the pull and bringing someone home would end in disaster, tbh. I wouldn't see myself ever being good at that malarkey.

@ Reward Hunter; Thanks. I think that what my replies above might betray is that my values would prevent me from wishing to become good at 'picking up' women. I think my problem is that I'd prefer to find someone organically, for want of a better word. As I've mentioned, I'm not a bumbling no hoper. I do actually get along with people just fine.

Thanks for taking the time, everyone.

premierlass

OP, sorry you are going through this, and MACGirl too.

I think you might benefit from a couple of visits to a counsellor to get an objective view. You seem a bit depressed and down on yourself, naturally enough, but I sincerely don't believe you are fundamentally undesirable. If you're the kind of person that doesn't tend to participate fully on a night out, it's probably not the place for you to meet people, and that's the case for a lot of people. If you can put the whole case to a professional, I think they'd help you to change the goalposts a bit.

Kevin Duffy

unreggedlonelyguy wrote: »

@ Kevin Duffy; Thanks for the reply. I really don't understand your first question. Are you asking how my approach to life has changed since my darker days in school? I would say I have emerged, somewhat. I don't think I'll ever come fully out of my shell, so to speak. My nature is to be private but I always challenge myself to put myself out there. I never refuse a night out but I always end up more of an observer than a participator. I have changed and evolved where I could. It wasn't a complete transformation but I think I've challenged myself to forsake my comfort zone where I can.

My question was more aimed at finding out are you still living it, allowing it to affect you. It's been a few years since you were in school. I wouldn't glibly suggest you just shrug it off, but you're a long way from it now and a different person. That said, your self-esteem and you view of how deserving you are of love would suggest you are very much still affected by it and you should consider counselling.

unreggedlonelyguy wrote: »

My experience of online dating is that it was simply a waste of time. I'm not being modest. I don't look like a heartbreaker. I'm not ugly but I ain't photogenic and I ain't got no charismatic alter-ego to call upon. I believed my philosophy is, in all things, what you see is what you get. It knocked my self esteem to realise that meant an empty inbox. I didn't scare them off, I gave a true enough account of myself that before I first put up pics, the first contact I had was my sister asking if it was me!! She said she knew it had to be me!

Have a look at the now huge thread in TGC, there's a lot of advice in there on how to make online dating work for you. One of the key things though is that you'll have to put the effort in and take a few non-responses. It won't leap into your lap. What your sister did was a bit stupid, but that's very unlikely to happen again, is it?

unreggedlonelyguy wrote: »

With that girl, I didn't want to lay it all on the table before all and sundry. I would ask that girl out if I was a regular or if I ever developed some kind of rapport with her. I would have to verify it weren't a one-off and that I weren't imagining it.

You don't have to be regular or have rapport, or do it in front of anyone to walk back in and give her your name and number and say "maybe we could meet sometime". You might sweat a puddle, but then you might get a call too. As for "stepping on someone's toes" or verifying the girl is single - why? If she's attached, she'll tell you and no harm will be done. Girls with fellas get asked out by other fellas all the time, no one dies of it.

I think, reading your all your replies, that you might be setting yourself an unrealistic standard for how a relationship has to start. Not everyone you approach will want to know, some will, some contacts will consist of one date, or a quick chat, some will go further, it's all good and you just don't know the one that will work out.

Your shyness and reserve may be considered charming, but at the moment you're describing it as a barrier to being happy and making no effort to change your approach. If you start chancing your arm a little, you might get what you want, if you don't start....well, you know where it's going.

Best of luck.