sister treating mother badly - really need advice

LegacyUser

My 21 year old younger sister treats our mother badly. She is verbally abusive if she doesn't get her way, as in if she doesn't get money or clothes or whatever. She goes out and rings mam to collect her late at night, like 4 or 5am, gets her out of bed and doesn't even say thank you. She lives at home but doesn't help out at all, in fact she shouts at mam to make her tea/food etc. We don't have a father around, if we did I think that would help a lot. Mam is a very soft and kind person and she gets taken advantage of by many people in her life, and now I feel like my sister is one of them. My mom regularly calls me crying saying she has had to leave the house because of the shouting and tantrums. She's 21!! Its crazy. I've tried everything over the years - I've sat her down and talked to her sister-to-sister, I've refused to speak to her, I've tried guilt, nothing works. Its like she thinks she's entitled to everything in life and that mams job is to be her servant and give her money. I wouldn't even mind if she was spoiled but she calls mam horrible names like "fat" and "ugly" and "a cow", if not worse. Mam has low self confidence. I really don't know what to do. Sometimes I just stay away because I'm sick of trying with both of them, trying to get mam to stand up for herself. But in the end I hate to see her upset. I've offered for mam to come and stay with me for a few days or whatever just to get away but she feels like if she leaves the house my sister will throw a party or something will go wrong. I live in another county. When she was younger I thought she would grow out of this, but she went to college and got no better.

LegacyUser

Sounds like your sister needs a bit of a reality check - your mam should go on a long holiday and then the spoilt little brat might realise how lucky she's got it.

I know you've said you tried talking to her, but you need to do more if your mam won't stand up to her. You really need to have it out with her and your mam needs to start putting her foot down. Walking away will not solve this problem. Everyone goes through their sulky teenager/parent-hating phase at one stage or another, but 21 is no excuse. I would not let anybody disrespect my mother like that, sister or no sister. I would actually go for her. Calling her own mother 'fat' and 'ugly'? Who the f*** does this little bitch think she is?

tinkerbell

Hi OP, your poor mom Unfortunately your mom sounds like she cannot stick up for herself and she needs to. To say that your mom has to leave her own home to get some peace and quiet is awful. I think your mom needs to kick her daughter out of her house to be honest. She's 21, she's old enough to look after herself. And in fairness, if she's gonna be disrespectful like that to her own mom, then she can find her own place to live.

Your sister sounds like a rotten person. You need to stick with your mom and tell your sister to move out. I'll re-iterate that she's 21, she's not a child any longer, she can fend for herself.

I'd suggest that your mom go see a counsellor or something to work on her self-esteem issues by the way so that she can stand up to that rotten sister of yours.

Needler

Yea someone like that could do with a good kicking out session

(out of the house i mean)

Taltos

OP - before you do anything - take our mum away from the house for a chat and find out what it is she wants?
This will be a difficult chat - don't be too full-on with her as she might see it as being bullied - but find out what it is she wants - and more importantly if she wants your help...

Hopefully she will want you to help. Your mum will also need huge encouragement and support during this - supposing that she wants you to help get your sister out.
If she does - it might be unreasonable to tell your sister to get out immediately - though it might be safer for you mum - but work our what you both need to do to make this happen. Only you both know what the safer approach is - ie give her reasonable notice (1 mth) or force her out...
1) draw up list of temporary places your sister can go to incl friends
2) get someone ready to change all the locks
3) worst case pack up her things when she is out and move from there
> The above is ONLY if you cannot sit down with your sister and tell her that as an adult now she has to move on - and that she has 2 or 3 weeks to find somewhere else.

Either way when she does leave I strongly suggest you change the locks anyway.

Your mum has done enough by raising you both - and does not need the rest of her life to be one of fear - especially in her own home. Unfortunately your sister might never change - at least she will not want to change as long as she is getting things her own way. Maybe standing on her own feet is exactly what she needs in order to finally grow up...

Maple

Needler wrote: »

Yea someone like that could do with a good kicking out session

Please do not condone violence in PI.

Infracted

Maple

King of Kings

Maple wrote: »

Please do not condone violence in PI.

Infracted

Maple

i think he meant kicking out of the house rather than a kicking session.

Maple

King of Kings wrote: »

i think he meant kicking out of the house rather than a kicking session.

Needler, if this is indeed the case please PM me.

Maple

Beruthiel

unregistered wrote: »

My mom regularly calls me crying saying she has had to leave the house because of the shouting and tantrums. She's 21!! Its crazy.

No offence OP, but your mother needs to grow a pair.

I'm the mother of a 23 year old daughter and if she had ever been stupid enough to speak to me with anything other than respect, she would be out on her ear.
My daughter knows me well enough to understand that would be the case.

Your sister treats your mother this way because your mother allows it.
Your sister knows your mother will do nothing of any real consequence so she has nothing to lose.
Time for your mother to stand up to her and to back up what she says with real and actual consequences.
It will be the only think that works.

IrishEyes19

Beruthiel wrote: »

No offence OP, but your mother needs to grow a pair.

I'm the mother of a 23 year old daughter and if she had ever been stupid enough to speak to me with anything other than respect, she would be out on her ear.
My daughter knows me well enough to understand that would be the case.

Your sister treats your mother this way because your mother allows it.
Your sister knows your mother will do nothing of any real consequence so she has nothing to lose.
Time for your mother to stand up to her and to back up what she says with real and actual consequences.
It will be the only think that works.

Agree with this, but perhaps, OP, your mam probably does need outside help to deal with her, especially if she has low confidence and though you havent said much regarding any stress your mam might be going through, sometimes its so hard to deal with others when you've your own worries going on as well. she sounds like an absolute brat and at 21, she should be making some headway anyway. maybe sit her down for another chat this time, but be really harsh. sounds like the only option left

LegacyUser

This is so sad really, But so often what happens when there is no balance in home life, that is, no father around.

When My Father left the family home, and my mother was alone with my brother and sister a while, everything seemed to be fine, FOR A WHILE. And then it became evident to me that my sister was being a sod.

And do you know why women/mothers don't do anything about it? ( especially more-so in the case of the younger child ) because they live in mortal fear of being alone, of getting old alone, and of, sadly to say, dying alone. And they are grieving the loss of their relationship or whatever, and they are just sad and lonely.

My sister, I was once told by my mother, would threaten my mother, that if she didn't do what she wanted her to do, she would "put her in a home when she gets old* And this was laughed at by all, but underneath it all there was a subtext of seriousness and control and bullying.

Parents are sometimes bullied by their offspring. My sister "lived" with my mother, into her early 20's. She drove my mothers car, had my mothers bank pin, and lived rent free. And my mother allowed it, because of the reasons I outlined above. ( I think )

So sad.

But don't take guilt on for this situation that is beyond your control.

MJ23

when you have your mother,
treasure her with care,
for you'll never know her value,
til you see her empty chair.