Let go?

LegacyUser

Hey,

So about 2 months ago I found out my boyfriend of 4 years had a one night stand. He told me a couple of days later and said he was messed up at the time and wasn't sure what he wanted from life. We broke up initially but continued talking and a few weeks later I decided to try and work it out with him. He told me it was a mistake that he was overworked and confused and he really loves me etc etc. We had a great relationship before this and he has always been there for me, we never argued and wanted the same things from life.

So we had been trying to work things out and things were going well. Obviously it has been hard to trust him but he has been very open with things like his phone, and hasnt been going out lately. He really has been trying to show me that he wants to be together.

The problem being that yesterday I was sorting out his bedroom (hes extremely messy) and I noticed his phone bill from around the time he cheated on me. At the time that it happened I asked him to be straight with me about a few things, one of which was whether he had contacted this girl after he slept with her. He said no. Curiosity got the best of me and I looked at the bill. There were reams of texts and a 20-minute call to a number. This number did not appear on the bill before the night that they slept together. Anyway I had a pretty clear idea that this was the girls number because my boyf is not somebody big into texting.

I confronted him when he got home and he initially got mad at me for looking at his bill. Then he said he had decided after that night that he could be friends with the girl (he must think I'm an idiot). I knew this didnt add up and was ridiculous so I texted the number and asked for the truth. Luckily she replied and told me what really happened, that he at first wanted to see her again and then told her I had broken up with him when I found out what happened. Then she said a few days later he said he wanted to work it out with me and that he loves me. When I told him this he said it was all because he wasnt sure if he wanted to be with me and he was confused and wanted to meet her. Apparently if he decided to see her again he would have dumped me but it seems unlikely. I asked him why he didnt admit he had been in contact with her and he said it would have just hurt me more and its not like he met up with her again. But I still see it as a second betrayal.

Now I'm totally confused. If I was prepared to forgive the initial cheating should I be prepared to forgive this? I know deep down that I should probably walk away from this guy but he is such a big part of my life now that everytime I go to cut him off I just can't. I just can't seem to end it. He has been upset, crying and begging me not to leave him, if theres anything he can do to make it up to me he will etc. I'm just confused as to what to do. We are both relatively young and we were apart for a while when this happened. Where do you draw the line?

LegacyUser

You can bet if you do walk away, he will go straight back to this woman.

Why waste the rest of your days fearing having an argument with this man in case he runs off to this other woman again? This girl knew about you and had no problems sleeping with your man. What she tells you is hardly the whole truth.

You should have left then, when it happened.

If all women walked away from their partners after incidents like this, perhaps it would cause the cheats to think twice before hurting their partners.

You don't sound like you will ever leave him, you admit you are weak. There's no point posting here about this, if you won't take action.

I am a friend

324324234 wrote: »

If all women walked away from their partners after incidents like this, perhaps it would cause the cheats to think twice before hurting their partners.

You don't sound like you will ever leave him, you admit you are weak. There's no point posting here about this, if you won't take action.

+ 100%

Cheryl Cole is such a bad role model for young girls now... She is saying men can lie, cheat and walk all over you but its ok for them to do it as long as they are sorry...

OP, you are mental if you stay with him. He wasnt contacting her to be friends, he was contacting her to repeat the performance. he has lied, cheated and even lied when he promised to tell you the truth... So what if he is a big part of your life - are you married with 5 kids (even at that I would dump him)???? He is a liar and he has dis-respected you. Move on and dump his scummy ass.

Angeles

Time to look yourself in the mirror op and make a hard decision.

Do you really want to be this person you are now? checking your bf's texts, bills, history? calling another girl who he slept with just to get info out of her? lacking pretty much all trust you need to make a relationship work and dragging your heels along for the ride. Do you even see this a love? or is it fear of being single?

I was prepared to forgive the initial cheating should I be prepared to forgive this?

Are you sure you were prepared to forgive and forget? your curiosity of your bf's calls/texts made in the past would suggest otherwise, and now seem to be using this as leverage for an underlying problem you are no where near over.

Get out op before you drag yourself any lower.

Miss Fluff

I know deep down that I should probably walk away from this guy but he is such a big part of my life now that everytime I go to cut him off I just can't. I just can't seem to end it.

You have to think of it as ripping a plaster off. I know if I'd the choice of being single and getting my head together or living with a cheating ba$tard who clearly can't be trusted then there's no contest. I know how hard it is cutting loose when you love someone but knowing that he doesn't love you back the way you DESERVE to be loved should help you with your decision.

He has been upset, crying and begging me not to leave him, if theres anything he can do to make it up to me he will etc. I'm just confused as to what to do.

Crocodile tears. If he really cared he wouldn't have cheated on you and then went looking for seconds. All whilst lying through his teeth to you. If you take him back he will do it again, you'll be on here posting about another woman he's decided to get jiggy with behind your back and he won't have a care in the world because he'll know you're a soft touch who will forgive a cheating partner of all his indiscretions. Your behaviour will prove that to be the case. Cheryl Cole is an excellent example of this.

I'd quit while you're ahead and when you can still walk with your head held high. If you stay with him every ouce of self esteem will be chipped away at.

Cut contact, surround yourself with friends and loved ones and remind yourself that you need to do this in order for you to leave yourself free to meet someone who is worthy of you and who will love you and respect you in the way that you deserve.

Esoteric_

OP, if you said you trusted him and were able to believe he had nothing more to do with this girl, then I'd tell you to give it another chance as he does seem remorseful.

However, you clearly don't trust him if you're having to check his phone and his bills. If you're going to be together then you have to trust him again. You obviously didn't trust him before finding the bill (and quite rightly!) and now you've found out that he did more than just betray you by sleeping with this girl, he lied about it to protect himself. If you couldn't fully trust him after the ONS, how are you going to trust him after finding out about yet another betrayal?

ruby101

sorry to hear what happend to you, its very hard to deal with. and no easy way either.

i don't understand his logic to be honest.

why did he tell you he slept with this girl? he could have kept this mouth shut, and you would be none the wiser. but he told you. he also told the girl at 1st he wanted to meet up with her & then he said no he didnt & was going to try and make it work with you. he left his bill out on display not hidden. I think your boyfriend is very confused, he doent know what he wants. and its now not about what he wants its about what you want.

as for the texts and calls to this girl you have bo ask him what were they actually talking about, lets face it they are strangers at the end of the day. its so hard to know the truth from him are the tears real... or do you think he wants out and is afraid to do it, wants you to be the one to do have a back bone. you know him 4 years i think if nothing else your gut instinct will kick in.

Kevin Duffy

He confessed out of guilt and sobbed 'cos he thought he was going to get what he deserved. Either stay and put up with his lack of backbone and lack of respect, or have enough of both for yourself to get out.

Humria

You should leave him and do so quickly. He has cheated on you. He then lied about the circumstances and he said he did this for YOUR sake - that shows he isn't even taking responsibility for it. I think you are completely right to take this as a further betrayal, furthermore it shows a complete lack of respect. He is pushing the boundaries and now he knows he can get away with it, he will do it again. How can you trust him now? If you don't end it now you'll regret the time you wasted giving him a second chance.

It's very easy to say this and much harder when you are in that position but you deserve better than that.

Devon Brown

I agree with the others that were talking about you feeling like you had to check on him, snoop into his phone bill, etc. That is not a way for a relationship to grow.

You said you see his actions as a second betrayal. But you snooped, so there is a betrayal on you there. Just because you found something doesn't mean that it was right to snoop on him.

Frankly, I think the term "second" betrayal is unnecessary. Betrayal is betrayal. If you were going to forgive him and work things out, that is great. But it doesn't sound like you dealt with whatever the underlying issue was that allowed him to think it was okay to treat you badly, lie to you, and try to manipulate situations to his advantage. Don't you, and everybody, deserve better than that?

Good luck.

LegacyUser

I understand what you are saying about the lack of trust. We have only been together again for a couple of weeks and although I was prepared to forgive him I think it should be understandable that that doesnt translate to 'I trust him completely'. I've had access to his room before this and seen his receipts/bills littered round the place and havent snooped. I havent touched his phone or tried to check on him in any other way. I didnt even know what I was looking for when I picked up the bill. I guess something just wasnt sitting right with me.

Obviously I don't trust him at the moment and thats something that needs to be built up I think. Its not a click of the fingers thing, we are still trying to see if this could work out. I just don't know what to do about the texts. It hurts that he contacted her after it happened, before I found out, because it looks like he was planning on meeting her again. But then, even from the bills, I can see that he cut contact with her after about 10 days and hasnt contacted her since.

When I text her she said she was sorry that she didnt know he had a girlfriend when she slept with him and he only told that about her later. She also said that they'd never seen each other again and he told her he loved me and wanted me. I dont think she has any reason to lie as she is not a previous friend of his or anything.

I asked him why he was still talking to her after he told me about the two of them and he said 'I thought you had left me and thought I could start things up with her' (I had effectively dumped him). Then he says he realised how much he ****ed up and 'as soon as there was a glimmer of a chance' with me again he cut contact with her.

I'm just really confused what to do know. I know my head tells me to run but my heart wants to be with him and I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision. That might make me weak or whatever but I'm not going to defend myself here. He says he was more confused and messed up than he has been in ten years. I effectively ended it with him again the other night when I found out about this and he started crying, pleading etc. He wouldnt even look at me the next day (I'm staying with him right now) and when I asked him why he was making things so awkward he said he 'couldnt look at the love of his life who he has just lost'. So I'm so confused.

I get that people are going to say I'm ignoring all the bad he has done and I'm really really not, I think about it 24 hours a day. I realise that the logical thing to do is get out now, but I need advice on how to walk away from him when I'm finding it so impossible. I'm finding it impossible to cut him off completely, but would asking for some space with no contact help? It might give me a chance to get my head around it all when its all not so close and raw.

curlzy

donturn.urback wrote: »

I'm just really confused what to do know. I know my head tells me to run but my heart wants to be with him and I'm afraid I'm going to make the wrong decision. That might make me weak or whatever but I'm not going to defend myself here. He says he was more confused and messed up than he has been in ten years. I effectively ended it with him again the other night when I found out about this and he started crying, pleading etc. He wouldnt even look at me the next day (I'm staying with him right now) and when I asked him why he was making things so awkward he said he 'couldnt look at the love of his life who he has just lost'. So I'm so confused.

:rolleyes: Oh please OP. Come on now! You know you're going to do the wrong thing? you know you're going to be weak and pathetic and keep going out with him even though he's proven twice that he can't be trusted? Then why are you even here? What advise would you take? You proven beyond any doubt that you're just going to lap up his tears and keep going with this relationship, this puzzles me, are his tears and pleading so precious as to make up for the fact that he betrayed you twice? Do you really enjoy drama perhaps? Look your choices are:

a) stay with a "man" that you can't trust, that resorts to whinging when he gets caught out.
b) dump him, get into councelling, sort out your self-esteem and perhaps then find a real man.

It's up to you really. Best of luck.

I am a friend

donturn.urback wrote: »

I need advice on how to walk away from him when I'm finding it so impossible.

Ok this is brutal but picture him having sex with this girl and then on top of that read / remember the texts he sent to her in which he was trying to repeat the performance. There is no going back here... He is a liar and a cheat. Move on. Best of luck.