I want my parents to divorse

LegacyUser

My parents have been married for over 20 years. They don't argue but they are not happy. My mom is cold and sarcastic and my dad is lonely. He works too much and mom shops too much. They are getting old and they are sad inside. I worry my dad will be alone and not taken care of in age. My dad started acting really happy and smiles lately. I found his phone and read a message from a woman that was not my mom. It was certainly a lovely message and I was not angry to find it a bit. I really feel happy this woman loves him. He needs to have love also. My mom talks to my aunt every day and tells her how she hates him and we go everywhere without him. I want him to find someone else before he is too old and is alone forever. My mom is a lone kind of person but my dad needs someone. I do not think he will divorse her because of me and my younger brother. Should I tell him that I found it? should I stay quiet and not say anything? I want him to know that his happiness is important to me. What should I do?

Taltos

Hi OP.
some indication of your age and your brother might help.

In terms of advising you what to do this is a really tough one. You see - their marriage is theirs - and it is not the place of one of their children to interfere in no matter what.

Should you admit to finding the text? My gut says no to that. If it ever comes out - your mother will blame you and say that you chose your father over her. You do not ever want to get caught in that battle. I have seen this happen once before and the blame lasted well over a decade - some people just love to have someone else to blame for their own failings.

In terms of what to say to them both - note the both here.
You could just call out how their current relationship is making you feel - no-one can dispute that.
So for example:
"Dad, it makes me really sad to see you so unhappy, I just wish that you could find some happiness in your life."
"Mum, when I hear what you say to your sister about you and Dad it makes me cry at night"
"While I really want us all to be a happy family together, maybe we would all be happier if you two talked a bit and figured out what you need to do? Seeing and hearing you both be so unhappy together is eating me up inside, I don't think it is fair on either of you but it is tearing me apart and I have no idea what it is doing to <your bro> "

All you can do OP is let them know that while they might be choosing to stay togeher for their children they cannot hide what they are feeling and that is what is getting to you...
At the end of they day - they might choose to stay together - but do you know - that is their choice... All you can do is choose to live your own life in a way that makes you happy.

Fair dues for caring so much - but please don't get caught in this - it is their relationship and even if it is not working only they can do something about it. Just be very very careful - you could easily become a target here so please really think about things before you do or say anything.

LegacyUser

Thank you for the advise. I am 18 but my brother is only 11. I have 2 other brothers at university as well. I rang my other brothers last night and they are in agreement with my view about this also. I can tell my youngest feels sad when there is negative talk about my dad and when she said not to buy him a gift at Christmas. When dad is gone working she complains all the time. He works hard and never complains that he is alone. I once told her that I do not like it when she laughs about him and she slapped me. She told me not to meddle and that I should soon learn what a worthless man looks like so I do not marry one like she did. He would never guess that she is so mean when he does not hear her. She would never say it in front of him. When I get married I will be more sensitive to my husband and I will know how it affects the family.

Taltos

OP - don't ever allow someone to strike you.

OK - instead of proceeding alone you all (the kids) have to present a united front. Be aware though - that you might still be singled out - so whatever else whomever speaks for you all has to make it 100% clear that you are all speaking as one and are in full agreement. I would suggest to your brothers that the eldest needs to step up here - it won't be nice - but have them agree to be the person who speaks - you all need to be there though.

Your 11 year old brother is more of a trial - he may not understand what is going on - and may in some way blame himself or indeed you... Chances are as messed as it all gets you all will need to rally around him and let him know that while the marriage is over (if that is what happens) he still will always have a family that loves him.

From what I can see it is clear that your parents clearly disfunctional marriage is just messing you up. You might though just have to put your head down and work hard in getting yourself out of that house though and into your own home - I am not sure about college / school / working - but set a goal for yourself and strive towards it.

Please be very careful in how you all approach this - being 18 your mother may decide that she wants you out of her house to "stop" you interferring in her marriage. She might just be one of those people who have to have something to complain about and if it's not your father it might be you.... So balance doing what you feel you must with being safe. In the meantime you have spoken to your brothers - arrange to meet up and talk as a group, and decide from there.

Just remember - don't get sucked into the blame game - your mother may turn this around and start pointing fingers - just stick with the facts and try not to get trapped in that argument loop - otherwise the point you are trying to make gets lost in the shouting and she effectively wins.

johnr1

Hi OP,
Sorry to hear of your situation, it must be very tough to live with and see your young brother living with.
The only constructive advice I can add to Taltos's is that you try not to take sides or apportion blame to one of your parents and absolve the other. You are aware of some of what goes on in their marriage, but not everything, and in relationships which go bad, it's rarely just one person at fault. There may not even be anyone at fault here, life happens and people change over time, at different paces. Dreams fail to come true, and sometimes people get bitter as a result.
Just try to love and respect both of your parents, and as Taltos has said, don't take sides, as the anger may turn on you, and that would only make things worse in the family.
Read his posts again, - they are really good advice.
Best of luck, and I hope it gets easier.

LegacyUser

johnr1 wrote: »

You are aware of some of what goes on in their marriage, but not everything, and in relationships which go bad, it's rarely just one person at fault.

That is probably true but I really do not know what he could have ever done to deserve what she does to him. It is almost abuse I think. I decided that I am going to tell my dad that I saw his messages. He is not going to be happy that I looked. Maybe if he knows that I am with him he will say something for him self.

johnr1

Girlway Gal wrote: »

That is probably true but I really do not know what he could have ever done to deserve what she does to him. It is almost abuse I think. I decided that I am going to tell my dad that I saw his messages. He is not going to be happy that I looked. Maybe if he knows that I am with him he will say something for him self.

I would'nt mention having seen the messages.
Let him know you love and support him unconditionally, as I'm sure he does you. You don't have to say this straight out if you or he would not be comfortable with the statement, (many Irish families don't say these things) but let him know how much you and the others appreciate what he does for the family.
What your mother is doing is certainly wrong, but its not your marriage to save or break, and as I said earlier, you don't know eveything which may have occurred in the past, or what does/does not occur now, what disappointments they or she may have had.
All you can do is to love your father as much as you can, and try to make his time with you and your young brother as happy as you can.
Take care.

booboo88

Girlway Gal wrote: »

Thank you for the advise. I am 18 but my brother is only 11. I have 2 other brothers at university as well. I rang my other brothers last night and they are in agreement with my view about this also. I can tell my youngest feels sad when there is negative talk about my dad and when she said not to buy him a gift at Christmas. When dad is gone working she complains all the time. He works hard and never complains that he is alone. I once told her that I do not like it when she laughs about him and she slapped me. She told me not to meddle and that I should soon learn what a worthless man looks like so I do not marry one like she did. He would never guess that she is so mean when he does not hear her. She would never say it in front of him. When I get married I will be more sensitive to my husband and I will know how it affects the family.

aww your poor father, i assume your mother doesnt work?
so he's providing for all of you and your mother is this calous? not to buy him a gift? op i dont know how to advise you as its all been said, but def dont mention the msgs, just explain how the bitterness is affecting you all.