Long story short: conflicting desires

I don't think I'm expecting any advice or anything but I do want to off-load.

I really don't know what I want in my life, it's almost like I have two conflicting sides and today was a perfect example of that. If I were to do everything my instincts told me, I'd be living in a bubble and not interacting with anyone in the real world except my family - I love them to bits and know I wouldn't still be here without them. I don't live near my immediate family so I spend many a weekend with my grandparents/aunts/cousins.

I was like that earlier, took a walk from Fairview to Ballyfermot in the good weather, feeling like "ah I'm grand, I don't need anyone." I love walking and try to get out as much as I can, once it's dry I don't care but the sunshine certainly helped. I did the same yesterday, spending the evening doing the whole stretch of the Luas Red line, taking advantage of the free travel, enjoying my own company and just watching the city pass by. However, this evening I bumped into someone who rejected me recently, I'm now feeling like I want company again. At first she seemed really interested but the rejection left me questioning myself, whether I had been too clingy or not (that's a very common issue with me). I've basically spent the last week telling myself that I'm done with women and I give up. To be honest I wasn't particularly attracted to her but when she appeared to be interested in me that suddenly changed. It's not the first time that happened either.

The thing is, I don't drink and I've serious trust and self-esteem issues. I've felt recently that the majority of socialising revolves around drink in this country and I've even turned down some social opportunities because they'd basically just be drinking sessions. I've also been invited to a wedding on Friday and am not exactly looking forward to it for that reason.

I was never really accepted in school and was often the target of teasing, which is probably where the trust problem comes from. I'm extremely uncomfortable around someone I don't know too well, often not knowing what to say or feeling nauseous and unable to eat. The latter happened last week when someone came to visit me, I only met her in the last few months but she's a lovely person from what I can see and never once did a bad thing on me. I found it terribly difficult to relax around her. I also had an awkward few weeks with my brother's girlfriend last year when I believed she snubbed me while drunk, we ended up having a falling out over it. We sorted it out a few weeks later but more on her terms than mine, I kept the peace but still held a grudge if you get me.

I'm not interested in the same things as other men my age; railways, electronics, broadcasting, computers and science/space being my main interests. While someone my age would be in a pub watching a football match on Sky Sports I'd be thinking more about what kind of satellite TV setup they had, or a pet hate of mine - "that Sky box is in the wrong aspect ratio"... They're interests that I can really only follow through books or the internet, so they're extremely unsociable. In fact, one of my dream jobs was to drive a train, probably in part due to the solitude. This will be partially realised at the end of the month when I'll get to drive one for a day, supervised mind you. Anyway, these eccentric interests have often been a source of criticism from others which mean it's almost like I'm ashamed to admit my interests to someone. I also feel like they'd repel women.

My self-esteem has taken a battering at times, I used to consider myself ugly but have got over that in recent years, in fact I've often been told the opposite. I've had several occasions over the past 6 months or so where someone has told me I look like Harry Potter and it's not something I take as a compliment. The most recent time was last week on a DART, some teenage girl looked at me and said it. My reaction to that was to head into an opticians on Tuesday and get an eye test for contact lenses... I was considering them anyway but that was enough to make me do it. My glasses and dentistry are my biggest physical self-esteem issues.

I can be quite old-fashioned - casual flings go against every bone in my body, I just can't do it. While I did have a sexual encounter on one occasion (which I did just to get the whole virginity thing over and done with) I felt extremely dirty and used after it, so I tend to get that feeling again when I'm with someone who is trying to get close to me. While I'm not a "no sex before marriage" person, I am a "no sex until I get to know and trust you" person. I almost went against this a few months ago when someone wanted us to be "friends with benefits" but I quickly remembered it wasn't for me and feeling physically sick before we met wasn't something I should have to deal with. I trusted my gut and didn't proceed with it.

The only woman I know who I've really clicked with is someone who lives in the US, I met her via a chat room over 8 years ago. She shares some of my interests and values, even calling us "soulmates" at one point, and we've often spent hours discussing our hopeless love lives. We've chatted over the phone and shared photos and Facebook pages, but never met face-to-face. I suppose it means that I can do it and there are women out there that I can get on with, but the thought of her being "the one" has often crossed my mind.

I have had counselling and therapy on occasions but because of my "split personality" (for the want of a better word; I don't mean it literally), it's been very difficult for me to actually do what is asked of me. I could go home, sit in front of the computer or TV with the "I don't need anyone" feeling, and not actually do anything that would get me out meeting people. I've also got a hatred of education and as a result have no interest in evening classes or whatever. This hatred goes back to my treatment in school and is the primary reason I didn't carry on after my leaving cert. I also feel at times like I need to get approval from someone before pursuing something, as thinking outside the box is extremely difficult for me - I'm terrified of screwing up or getting in with the wrong crowd for example.

I've no real goals or ambitions in life and don't plan very far ahead. It really makes me jealous to see people in long term relationships, marriage or to see public displays of affection as I've never experienced anything like that myself. Then again, I also see myself as so withdrawn from society that I've even been known to effectively give up and say I'm beyond help at this stage. I'm not sure what I'll do, but I've been in a rut for about 11 years now and still can't see a way out of it; it seems that I either have to carry on as a hermit or do things which make me feel uncomfortable to get myself out there.

LegacyUser

Its possible that woman who rejected you did so because she could tell you wern't attracted to her. The fact that you took an interest in her because she liked you seems to suggest you would like to meet someone in real life, and who can blame you for being flattered by someones attention even if they wern't someone you'd be interested in ordinarily.

would you consider going to the US to finally meet your online friend, or suggesting she visits you? Nothing ventured nothing gained! Or failing that try to meet some women in Ireland online so that the option is there to meet in real life if you decide to do so.