help with angry partner

LegacyUser

hi I have decided to go unreg for this

Basically myself and my partner of 5 years have split up on wed and I have no idea what to do.

He is ten years older than me Im 29, we are engaged living together and I have one child who is ten from another relationship.

We have been constantly fighting and he has this terrible uncontrollable temper ( He doesnt hit me) but still it is out of order. He calls me names when this happens also Tramp whore ect.

I work full time and he is at home minding my child he has been out of work for mearly three years now. He is great around the house and with the child ect.

I have been starting to go out after work maybe once every five weeks, and he hates this he thinks I am up to something. I even ask him to come but he says he does not like these people and starts calling them names too and accusing me of being up to somthing. Now I dont be leaving him at home minding my child like I have family who do it ect.

Every time one of these work do's comes up there is aggro,

My point is he does not bring me out to the cinema for meals ect says it is not his thin but then he goes mad when I want to have a night out and he gets paranoid and start getting into these fits of rage roaring and shouting ect loosing his head.

I have no problem with him going out with his fiends and family ect.

I am no sait and maybe I dont tnak him enough for what he does for me but I have to have a life and my own friends dont i??And he needs to get his anger sorted it is very frigthening he actually sees red and jumps up in a fit of rage.

I told him to get help or leave and he walked out he is staying with family at the moment
I just dont know where to go from here I dont even know if I love him but yet I cant bear the thought of him not being there or me seeing him with someone else ect

Please help

Emme

He sounds like he has anger issues. He is also controlling. You have a right to have friends and a life of your own. It is clear that he doesn't want you to have this.

For your child's sake I would advise you to get out of the relationship. I don't like the idea of your child being cared for by such a person. If you stay with him it is only a matter of time before he uses your child as a bargaining tool and worse again, tries to hurt your child to get you to do as he wishes.

Sephiroth_dude

Sounds to me like your better off without him,how you put up with his behaviour this long I dont know.

LegacyUser

thank you both for your replies, I have just got off the phone from him and he still cant see that he has a problem so my decision is getting easier.

He has the attitude that I will regret leaving him cause of all he did.

The man seriously does not think he has issues with anger.

bird_on_a_wire

You must use your head here and not your heart. You say he is great with your child and minds him on a regular basis but how long will it be before he takes out his anger on the child?
For your own benefit and your child's I would strongly recommend you walk away from this! He has disrespected you by shouting at you and not controlling his rage. If he loved you he would walk away when he felt himself getting mad. If he's bad now he'll only get progressively worse and you'll be constantly walking on eggshells for the rest of your relationship.

In my opinion you did the right thing by kicking him out and you'd do even better by not letting him back, I'm sure you'll find someone to love and respect you, and if your child has gotten quite attached to your partner simply explain that you and him didn't get on too well in the end and decided to part ways for each other.
A brief period of loss for the child is a lot better than growing up in a hostile environment!

I hope this helped and I wish you the best!

chicken fingers

Congrats on the breakup.
He sounds like a useless piece of work.

Dixie Chick

Hi OP

Just another point to add, you are only 29, just because you have a child does not mean that you should be denied a social life. For him to say that meals etc are not his thing is just BS of the highest order and you deserve more!

Distorted

Do you think he is frustrated because he has been unemployed for so long? Has he always been so angry, or is it just in the last three years?

I appreciate there are many people suffering unemployment right now, but 3 years is a long time for a working aged man to go without paid employment. There are few ordinary people willing to pay for subsidise someone else, male or female, although I appreciate it does provide free childcare. But not perhaps the best idea if it is affecting the dynamic in your relationship.

I think he is afraid of losing you as well. If he had a job and social life associated with it, he might not be so scared by you having the same.

That said, I'm not really sympathetic towards him. Any reasonable person would realise that expecting another to go out to work to support the family and having no social life is a miserable existence, and the name calling is utterly vile and something no-one could be expected to put up with.

I agree with posters above who think you would be better off without him. Its difficult to see what you are getting out of this relationship.

LegacyUser

I found out the hard way that men who make stress about you going out, are the very ones going out and cheating themselves. My ex told me about one of his friends who was married and he cheated on his wife. My ex had cheated on his ex girlfriend and he cheated on me as well. But if I went out after work at all, the bullying and interrogation when I got home became too much to bear. You did the right thing by asking him to leave. In the unlikely event that he seeks help, I would wish him well and on his way. You deserve someone who not only loves you, but treats you with respect and kindness. That appears to be absent.


Im only advising from my own experience with an abusive partner. Hes with a new partner now and I know that she is actaully cheating on him so they deserve each other. She has him so convinced shes busy and out, its mortifying to think that I fell for the same nonsense from him when we can see so clearly hes beig made a fool of. Just like I was.

It doesn’t get better and they just get worse and worse. Every body hated my ex and tried to tell me time and time again what they could see but I couldn’t. Now I wish I had never met him. He destroyed my trust in men and has ruined my life. Don’t let it happen to you. Youre young and have a child to love. Your partner should be the cherry on top, not the cross you have to bear.

Take care.

squonk

OP, he's out of work 3 years and instead of doing something about it, he's arsing around at home minding your child, not going out himself, not allowing you to go out and calling you everything under the sun!

He's a right loser. I've been out of work and I have the greatest sympathy for anyone who tries to get work but just can't. It's not easy but this guy doesn't sound like he's trying at all really. I can only speak for myself but I'd at least have a family member look after the child some of the week so that I could get myself on courses or do whatever it took to find another job.

What is his thing if the cinema etc. arent? Does he go out himself?

I always try to be measured in my responses on here but this time I can say you should dump him and keep him dumped because he's a leech, a loser and ignorant. You're only 29 and you don't deserve that kind of crap.

curlzy

Hey OP,

Just want to echo what everyone has said, well done on getting out of that nightmare and you've done the right thing. I know it'll be hard for a while but you are so much better off. Both you and your son are better off. I know you said he gets on great with your ex but if your son heard that yelling then all the good stuff your ex did is cancelled out. I remember my parents yelling nasties at each other to this day. They sorted themselves out eventually but when I was very young I heard it all the time, it's the scariest thing a child can hear, honestly it scared me more than any horror movie ever could. So yeah you just concentrate on your son and yourself for the next while. Go to work dos and all the things you couldn't with your ex. Join a dance class, I did recently and it's great fun, also it's only a couple of hours so manageable re: childminding. Onwards and upwards, chin up.

Best of luck