Me and my brother...

LegacyUser

Me and my brother used to be close but lately things about him have been annoying me.

We are both in our 20's and are both dating (both engaged) to two girls who don't get along, now let me start by saying my GF has not been 100% perfect but then nether has his. Things were said by my GF which sounded harmless to her and me but now i know it for some reason upset/offended the brothers GF years ago.

Now i am the one left with the problem, My brother and his girlfriend (although they have been dating longer) got engaged a year after us, they organised their wedding for 3 days after ours. this upset me greatly but at the time i didn't want to ruin the excitement that follows an engagement so i said nothing, by the time i did, they denied conversations we had with them (pre their engagement) about our wedding that i know we had and told everyone it was unintentional i know it wasn't.

since that me and my brother have 'made peace' with one another for the sake of my parents (he is older than me so they are of the opinion everything he does is right and i should let him off because he is my brother) and by 'made peace' i mean him and his girlfriend ignore/avoid us at all costs. one day we called to my parents house and they were there withing 5 minutes they had literally jumped in the car and left. so how much do i let go?

my latest peeve if you could call it that is my daughters birthday was held recently and neither one turned up despite me inviting them and all the rest of our families being there. ( a few fair enough were abroad which was unavoidable) but my brother chose to go cycling rather then go to his only nieces birthday?

we are getting married this time next year and i will invite my brother but my GF and I would obviously not like to invite his GF for obvious reasons, and she does make my GF very uncomfortable, she puts up with her (and this situation) for me, but i want her to enjoy our day, can we do that if they are there?


i would really appreciate some advice this situation is wrecking my head and i am getting fed up with certain members of my family...

premierlass

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

we are getting married this time next year and i will invite my brother but my GF and I would obviously not like to invite his GF for obvious reasons, and she does make my GF very uncomfortable, she puts up with her (and this situation) for me, but i want her to enjoy our day, can we do that if they are there?


i would really appreciate some advice this situation is wrecking my head and i am getting fed up with certain members of my family...

I'm sorry for your problems with your brother. I wish I could offer some advice there.

However, it is not a good idea to exclude your brother's girlfriend. They will be married soon and such an action would ruin any chance of a relationship between you and your brother, possibly for good.

If they avoid you as a rule, it's possible that you might not have to deal with them much at the wedding, so don't let them spoil you day. Treat them with the utmost politeness and ignore their attitude. If they are as set on "punishing" you as it seems, you'll probably have to do a lot of that in the years to come anyway.

Maybe they'll eventually come around, maybe not. But if you descend to their level, it will cause A Scene, they will make hay out of it and some of the family may side against you. It's really not worth it.

I am a friend

You could just send your invite with, for example, 'John plus one' and exclude her name. She will get the dig then....

neuro-praxis

Or you could be calm and adult about it and invite them both.

Elle Collins

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

we are getting married this time next year and i will invite my brother but my GF and I would obviously not like to invite his GF for obvious reasons

If you two are even considering inviting your brother but not his partner then I'm sorry but you're both clearly as much to blame for this situation as your brother and his girl.

Taltos

Nothing from your post gives any clue why you feel as you do, most especially about your brother's girlfriend.

Why not look on the wedding as a double opportunity.

1. More folk will be around for both weddings now.
2. You have the perfect excuse not to attend - you will be on your own honeymoon.

You know, I really think though that you both need to grow up and learn how to talk to each other, life is not always about conflict or about you or about your brother. Whether you like it or not his GF is about to become a member of your extended family - do you not think it is time to work it out - or do you really want this to drag on for years?

LegacyUser

Elle Collins wrote: »

If you two are even considering inviting your brother but not his partner then I'm sorry but you're both clearly as much to blame for this situation as your brother and his girl.

we have not been perfect i am not saying we are but there is a lot of bad history between us from the past two years which have led to this decision i could be here all day going through it all, its just the latest snub has really upset me, on top of the hurt i was already feeling by my brother and his girlfriends actions.

I want my brother there because he is my brother, his partner like i said, has no interest in us, me, my daughter and my gf, in fact she has barely met my daughter (she even bought her a gift for a 4 year old boy for her 2nd birthday???) it's almost like bringing a complete stranger to what essentially is an intimate event to celebrate us, it's not a big wedding just very close family and friends. she will be the odd one out there, everyone else in both families will have met each other numerous times before.

If it were one of my friends who did these awful things to me, we at this point would no longer be friends.

i guess i am wondering how much **** do you take from family before you say 'you cannot do this to me just because we are family?' or can they do this because they are family and should i shut up and put up with it?

dilallio

neuro-praxis wrote: »

Or you could be calm and adult about it and invite them both.

+1
Is there any way that you can sit down with your brother and for both of you to look to the future rather than the past?

Family feuds are very very difficult. I can understand the frustration.
Both you and your brother want the best for your other halves and children, but is it worth it to have this feud carried on causing grief not only to you both, but also your kids and parents?

Not inviting your brother's fiance to your wedding will give her the moral high-ground if she & your brother decide to invite you both to their wedding, after not receiving an invitation from you. With that in mind, it would be foolish not to invite her.

But, it's not really addressing the real issue - what kind of family environment would you & your brother like to have in the future. Are you both just willing to go along living as you are, in an outwardly looking peaceful environment while both you & your brother constantly going from one stressful situation to another. Or would you both be willing to do whatever it takes to resolve the bigger issue?

It is a difficult situation to resolve on your own, and if you are both desperate to sort it out, you should try and contact a family councilling service. A family councillor will be able to listen to you both and provide good advice, in a constructive environment which will not descend into arguments. Both your fiancees may not be ready or willing for this now, but I would certainly suggest it to your brother, that you both try it initially with just the 2 of you. The councillor will then be able to advise you on if or how to bring your OH's on board. Even if you don't get to this step, you both will learn a lot on how to deal with future conflicts.

Best of luck.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

Nothing from your post gives any clue why you feel as you do, most especially about your brother's girlfriend.

Why not look on the wedding as a double opportunity.

1. More folk will be around for both weddings now.
2. You have the perfect excuse not to attend - you will be on your own honeymoon.

You know, I really think though that you both need to grow up and learn how to talk to each other, life is not always about conflict or about you or about your brother. Whether you like it or not his GF is about to become a member of your extended family - do you not think it is time to work it out - or do you really want this to drag on for years?

thank you for your advice, unfortunately family members in my family were very worried about the cost of attending two weddings within one paycheck so we were forced to move ours forward by a month.

and we will not be having a honeymoon we wouldn't be able to go without our daughter we would miss her too much.

so unfortunately i am struggling to see the positives in this awful mess, i try time and again to avoid conflict (i hate it) but the only way to avoid it (as we have learned) is for me to give up everything i want to make him happy, i mean i even talked my gf into changing our wedding date that we wanted just to get him to talk to me, and still they ignore us, i guess that's why i am here to see how others feel about it, am i being silly?

I am a friend

And ye are marrying these girls why???? If someone fell out with my family over NOTHING it wouldnt go much further unless they sorted it out themslves. Stop acting like you are 10.. The day may come, sooner than you think, that you dont have a brother and would all thsi be worth it?? Cop the frick on and tell the pair of dolls to do the same.... Life is short.

sambuka41

Its your wedding you can invite who ever you like but if you chose to cut her out,then you will cut your brother out too. Like it (her) or not this is the person who he has chosen to spend his life with.

Would you go to his wedding if he didn't invite your girlfriend???

seamus

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

Things were said by my GF which sounded harmless to her and me but now i know it for some reason upset/offended the brothers GF years ago.

...and yet there's still some kind of "feud" going on here?

There has to be more to it than that.

Look, you're both in your twenties and getting married. That means you have two options:

1. Spend the next 30 years tip-toeing around each other and wondering why the other is being such a prick/bitch and not coming to so-and-sos christening/communion/wedding/anniversary/birthday, etc and generally spending your entire life stressing about your family and what they think of you, and what you should do in sensitive family scenarios.

2. Grab the bull by the horns, organise for the four of you to sit in a room together and have it out. Have it out in such a way that it's not couple -v- couple. There are 4 individuals here, and so if your fiancé is being unreasonable, then you should call her on it.
Even if you don't come to a resolution at the end, then you can draw a line under it and make peace with the fact that your brother will not be a major part of your life any more.

Next thing you know that happen is that your new wife won't receive an invite to your brother's wedding. And there'll be war. Then they'll have a baby and not invite you to anything. And you'll rarely see her. Then your parents die and you end up in court fighting over the will.

For God's sake just stop fighting over he said/she said/he did/she did, and have it out, face-to-face.

LegacyUser

seamus wrote: »

...and yet there's still some kind of "feud" going on here?

There has to be more to it than that.

i agree, but i am not told what it is, i have asked and i'm told 'there is no problem', all i know is since myself and my gf got engaged and had our daughter they were avoiding us like the plague.

seamus wrote: »

Look, you're both in your twenties and getting married. That means you have two options:

1. Spend the next 30 years tip-toeing around each other and wondering why the other is being such a prick/bitch and not coming to so-and-sos christening/communion/wedding/anniversary/birthday, etc and generally spending your entire life stressing about your family and what they think of you, and what you should do in sensitive family scenarios.

2. Grab the bull by the horns, organise for the four of you to sit in a room together and have it out. Have it out in such a way that it's not couple -v- couple. There are 4 individuals here, and so if your fiancé is being unreasonable, then you should call her on it.
Even if you don't come to a resolution at the end, then you can draw a line under it and make peace with the fact that your brother will not be a major part of your life any more.

Next thing you know that happen is that your new wife won't receive an invite to your brother's wedding. And there'll be war. Then they'll have a baby and not invite you to anything. And you'll rarely see her. Then your parents die and you end up in court fighting over the will.

For God's sake just stop fighting over he said/she said/he did/she did, and have it out, face-to-face.

i pushed everything to a head over the wedding issue, i wanted the 4 of us to sit down to sort it out, his gf refused to.so myself and my brother met up i asked my gf to sit it out (so it wouldn't be the two of us on him alone) and talked, i thought that would be the end of it, but now still they ignore us, this is the 'resolve' we are currently at. and it is making me miserable.

Elle Collins

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

i guess i am wondering how much **** do you take from family before you say 'you cannot do this to me just because we are family?' or can they do this because they are family and should i shut up and put up with it?

Well with the very scant information you've offered re what the whole bloody mess is about it'd be very hard to say!

IrishEyes19

I am a friend wrote: »

You could just send your invite with, for example, 'John plus one' and exclude her name. She will get the dig then....

I really dont agree with this, and "I am a friend" I always respect your posts. But why create petty fighting on the wedding day, when his relationship with his brother is far more important than getting a dig in. If you dont invite her, OP, your brother may shun the wedding too, therefore upsetting your parents and other family, this would have a ripple effect if you know what I mean. Just leave that go, if you want to avoid confrontation. your brothers girlfriend sounds petty, but so does your gf I have to say. if she said some mean comments, why not settle them before the weddings and try to move on. Already someone has paid the price in a small way, ie your daughter was shunned by her uncle. So maybe try to mend bridges. Family is family.

nicechick!

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

Me and my brother used to be close but lately things about him have been annoying me.

We are both in our 20's and are both dating (both engaged) to two girls who don't get along, now let me start by saying my GF has not been 100% perfect but then nether has his. Things were said by my GF which sounded harmless to her and me but now i know it for some reason upset/offended the brothers GF years ago.

Now i am the one left with the problem, My brother and his girlfriend (although they have been dating longer) got engaged a year after us, they organised their wedding for 3 days after ours. this upset me greatly but at the time i didn't want to ruin the excitement that follows an engagement so i said nothing, by the time i did, they denied conversations we had with them (pre their engagement) about our wedding that i know we had and told everyone it was unintentional i know it wasn't.

since that me and my brother have 'made peace' with one another for the sake of my parents (he is older than me so they are of the opinion everything he does is right and i should let him off because he is my brother) and by 'made peace' i mean him and his girlfriend ignore/avoid us at all costs. one day we called to my parents house and they were there withing 5 minutes they had literally jumped in the car and left. so how much do i let go?

my latest peeve if you could call it that is my daughters birthday was held recently and neither one turned up despite me inviting them and all the rest of our families being there. ( a few fair enough were abroad which was unavoidable) but my brother chose to go cycling rather then go to his only nieces birthday?

we are getting married this time next year and i will invite my brother but my GF and I would obviously not like to invite his GF for obvious reasons, and she does make my GF very uncomfortable, she puts up with her (and this situation) for me, but i want her to enjoy our day, can we do that if they are there?


i would really appreciate some advice this situation is wrecking my head and i am getting fed up with certain members of my family...

Are you serious you have known your brother all your life and your both going to let two women interfere in this? They may not like each other even hate each other they should however respect both you and your brother and particularly your relationship! They shall or should tolerate each other when need be particularly family occasions!! My advice tell them both get over it and deal with it they may never be the best of friends however if they had any sense, loyalty or respect for you, your brother and particularly your family by involving you all in there shared dislike of each other is ridiculous

You feel your brother is ignoring you? or your both ignoring each other? Or is it not a case that both the girls are likely to be influencing this?

Another thing you did this for the sake of your parents, its likely your the one that was a tad bit more open to reason!! Parents are and know there children well enough to know how to play you of each other based on your personality's not with the intention of actually ''taking sides'' so to speak but trying to create harmony in there family life

I suggest you both feck of for a boys weekend!! and leave the two behind go for a beer hang out not with the view of resolving there stuff! but enjoy each others company and remember why you were so close in the first place!

And also no insult in this I know he wasn't there to celebrate your daughters birthday I could think of better things to do then hang out with children however much I love my nieces and nephews!! Up until recently I had little or nothing to do with them why?? I was enjoying my 20's your brother could be in a similar frame of mind!!

The issue here is that they don't like each other that shouldn't interfere with your relationship you can still hang out without the two! They even don't need to be directly involved in family life why not leave them at home for a change! Think your parents would love that!


I may have come across as harsh but from what I gather its the two girls with the issues!!

Good luck

nicechick!

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

we have not been perfect i am not saying we are but there is a lot of bad history between us from the past two years which have led to this decision i could be here all day going through it all, its just the latest snub has really upset me, on top of the hurt i was already feeling by my brother and his girlfriends actions.

I want my brother there because he is my brother, his partner like i said, has no interest in us, me, my daughter and my gf, in fact she has barely met my daughter (she even bought her a gift for a 4 year old boy for her 2nd birthday???) it's almost like bringing a complete stranger to what essentially is an intimate event to celebrate us, it's not a big wedding just very close family and friends. she will be the odd one out there, everyone else in both families will have met each other numerous times before.

If it were one of my friends who did these awful things to me, we at this point would no longer be friends.

i guess i am wondering how much **** do you take from family before you say 'you cannot do this to me just because we are family?' or can they do this because they are family and should i shut up and put up with it?

Why should anyone take an interest in your child? No insult but its your child none of my friends have had there children in there 20's which was spent drunk, travelling, college etc actually still spent partying to a lesser extend but hmmm still have fun!

I will give you my experience I never babysat or got actively involved with any of my sisters kids or my brothers children! They got ****e presents, I did forget Birthdays just barely turned up for christenings! I thought they were babies in nappies when in fact they walking talking mini ''adults'' I loved them but purely for entertainment all of the five minutes I spent with them!!

The thing is my sister/brothers never judged me and would thank me for the useless gifts and the occasional gestures over the years my sister regularly threatens to never help me if I ever have children but she never once criticised! why?? I was being selfish but I had other more interesting things to do and she knew that if she ever really needed me I'd be there, I wouldn't let her down she knew that in my own wee way I worshipped her children and all she wanted was to know that! I have since slightly taking more of an active role in there life's only cause I'm getting a little sense and realise family is so important they still get ****e presents and since learned to give them money now!!

I am assuming that maybe the chick will eventually grow up!

I am a friend

IrishEyes19 wrote: »

I really dont agree with this, and "I am a friend" I always respect your posts. But why create petty fighting on the wedding day, when his relationship with his brother is far more important than getting a dig in.

Sorry irishbird I forgot to put in the sarcastic :rolleyes:

LegacyUser

nicechick! wrote: »

Are you serious you have known your brother all your life and your both going to let two women interfere in this? They may not like each other even hate each other they should however respect both you and your brother and particularly your relationship! They shall or should tolerate each other when need be particularly family occasions!! My advice tell them both get over it and deal with it they may never be the best of friends however if they had any sense, loyalty or respect for you, your brother and particularly your family by involving you all in there shared dislike of each other is ridiculous

You feel your brother is ignoring you? or your both ignoring each other? Or is it not a case that both the girls are likely to be influencing this?

Another thing you did this for the sake of your parents, its likely your the one that was a tad bit more open to reason!! Parents are and know there children well enough to know how to play you of each other based on your personality's not with the intention of actually ''taking sides'' so to speak but trying to create harmony in there family life

I suggest you both feck of for a boys weekend!! and leave the two behind go for a beer hang out not with the view of resolving there stuff! but enjoy each others company and remember why you were so close in the first place!

And also no insult in this I know he wasn't there to celebrate your daughters birthday I could think of better things to do then hang out with children however much I love my nieces and nephews!! Up until recently I had little or nothing to do with them why?? I was enjoying my 20's your brother could be in a similar frame of mind!!

The issue here is that they don't like each other that shouldn't interfere with your relationship you can still hang out without the two! They even don't need to be directly involved in family life why not leave them at home for a change! Think your parents would love that!


I may have come across as harsh but from what I gather its the two girls with the issues!!

Good luck

I don't think i am getting my point across very well, it's not the two girls influencing this, it's more down to my brothers lack of respect for me and how he has shown that recently, how do i give respect to a guy who treats me like he does?

unless he gets his own way i am in the wrong, my gf (i cannot speak for his) has put up with alot from them where most girls would have ran, she stuck by me, listened and tries to help.

his gf was the one who refused to meet to discuss this, that's the extent of the girls involvement,

as my brother i feel he should have not organised his wedding for 3 days after mine, and at least should have been open to discussing changing his date, ours was planned a year at that point. i feel he should have been at his only nieces birthday, especially since my parents insist i attend all his major/minor events (and i have attended because i wanted to) i guess i would like the courtesy returned.

Taltos

OP - I am still at a loss at how to help you here as from your details I cannot see any cause of a problem.

What I have seen:
1. They arranged their wedding to be 3 days after yours - ok - not the best but come on...
2. Since you had a child they are not really around - did it occur to you that they just don't like children? Alot of people don't - but feel obliged to turn up and play happy families. At least they are being honest
3. You keep claiming he is disrespecting you - but how? What were the scenarios? What led up to these events - ie what has prompted his actions and why do you think the way you do?

Right now - all I can see is that you have a major communication issue with your brother. You might also have unreasonable expectations in what a brother should be doing for you. So far the only "unreasonable" thing is the scheduling of their wedding - but who knows - they may have a very valid reason for this date - and in fairness don't have to share it with anyone. Not ideal - but that is life.

If you can't learn to talk with him and just get on - they all you can do is pass yourself in their company and stop focussing on having a better relationship as from the sounds of things that may not happen...

tinkerbell

I find it extremely odd as to why you would change your wedding date when it was planned a year before your brother decided to get married 3 days after you. Why did you change your plans? You shouldn't have. If family were complaining, then they should have gone to your brother that the wouldn't be able to attend his wedding since it was 3 days after yours.

LegacyUser

Taltos wrote: »

OP - I am still at a loss at how to help you here as from your details I cannot see any cause of a problem.

What I have seen:
1. They arranged their wedding to be 3 days after yours - ok - not the best but come on...
2. Since you had a child they are not really around - did it occur to you that they just don't like children? Alot of people don't - but feel obliged to turn up and play happy families. At least they are being honest
3. You keep claiming he is disrespecting you - but how? What were the scenarios? What led up to these events - ie what has prompted his actions and why do you think the way you do?

Right now - all I can see is that you have a major communication issue with your brother. You might also have unreasonable expectations in what a brother should be doing for you. So far the only "unreasonable" thing is the scheduling of their wedding - but who knows - they may have a very valid reason for this date - and in fairness don't have to share it with anyone. Not ideal - but that is life.

If you can't learn to talk with him and just get on - they all you can do is pass yourself in their company and stop focussing on having a better relationship as from the sounds of things that may not happen...

to answer 1 2 & 3

1: it was done intentionally they spent the month before their engagement quizzing us on every aspect of our wedding, we told them delighted at the fact they were finally showing an interest only to find out they were getting married three days after us in the same venue we had chosen.

2: they do love children from what i've heard they are great with her nieces and nephews, in my opinion i think his gf really wants to have one maybe thats the issue.

3. i feel he has disrespected me by his actions, in his eyes i was the one in the wrong in the wedding situation, and yet he is unwilling to admit he may have possibly been wrong, he has to be right all the time and everyone else is wrong. that annoys me because it means i am left unable to sort things out despite desperately wanting to, i cannot talk to him he just ends up dominating the conversation.

tinkerbell wrote: »

I find it extremely odd as to why you would change your wedding date when it was planned a year before your brother decided to get married 3 days after you. Why did you change your plans? You shouldn't have. If family were complaining, then they should have gone to your brother that the wouldn't be able to attend his wedding since it was 3 days after yours.

The reason we were forced to change is my brother flat out refused to change his, or even entertain or discuss the idea, he always gets his way. it's up to the rest of us to fall into his world. My family wouldn't say anything to him, he is intimidating when he wants to be.

I am a friend

amijustbeingsilly? wrote: »

I don't think i am getting my point across very well, it's not the two girls influencing this, it's more down to my brothers lack of respect for me and how he has shown that recently, how do i give respect to a guy who treats me like he does?

unless he gets his own way i am in the wrong, my gf (i cannot speak for his) has put up with alot from them where most girls would have ran, she stuck by me, listened and tries to help.

his gf was the one who refused to meet to discuss this, that's the extent of the girls involvement,

as my brother i feel he should have not organised his wedding for 3 days after mine, and at least should have been open to discussing changing his date, ours was planned a year at that point. i feel he should have been at his only nieces birthday, especially since my parents insist i attend all his major/minor events (and i have attended because i wanted to) i guess i would like the courtesy returned.

To be frank you sound like a spoilt child... Quit whininging about what is in the past. Move on.

I have a cousin who never stops droning on about her kids and to be honest, as I dont have kids, I avoid kids parties like the plague... Maybe they are the same. Maybe they have been trying for kids and its too hard for them to be around small kids... Who knows but you need to learn to live and let live...

My only sibling died suddenly this year. We used to row over rubbish like this and boy oh boy am I sorry now. Cop the F on and grow up. Not everyone has to dance to your beat... Live and let live and stop dragging your parents into this...

LegacyUser

Mods can i get this locked i don't think i quite got my issue across, and judging by the responses here there is no point in looking for help here.