Acceptable behavior from Girlfriend?

LegacyUser

Hi everyone,
I'm a long time reader of this page and I have only had the courage to write about my problems now.

The Situation.
My girlfriend of 6 years is a very friendly person. A great communicator. She’s fun. She’s pretty, she’s got quite a desirable figure as well.
In her work and through friends she comes into contact with a lot of guys that she makes friends with. She’s really easy to make friends with, and I can see how guys easily gravitate towards her, she smiles at everyone and is very inclusive, no matter what she thinks of them. Same for Boys and Girls.
I have no problem with her making friends.

The problem arises when guys start flirting with her. They have exchanged numbers because they have worked on something together, or they were in class together doing course work, or they join her on Facebook.

She has been asked out for dinner, lunch and all that sort of stuff, even while these guys know that she has a boyfriend. She would never except these invitations, but at the same time, these guys can easily dress it up as wanting to talk about business or what sort of strategies they want to employ etc...

Suspicion has gotton the better of me over the years and I have checked her phone on more than a few occasions. The messages from these guys(there have been quite a few guys) are mostly chatty, laughing about something that has happened on TV, or typical witty chit chat(all the sort of stuff that you'd use to try and impress someone) I assume she’s involved In the same sort of replies(which are always deleted)

Not long ago, she arrived home late with a message from a guy, that went along the lines of “My number, just in case...”. Probably meaning that she was chatting with him for most of the night but
when asked for her number she said she was attached. I confronted her over this, she said that she was talking to a nice guy, and that she gave him her number to set him up with her friend(Alarm bells ringing, I know!)

Most recently, she received late night texts while her phone was off. She turned it on in the morning, and headed for the shower. I saw that 3 messages came through. Two from a boy, One from a female friend. I didn’t read them, only saw the names. When she came back from the shower, she picked up her phone, looked at messages, and put phone down.

Got to see the phone again later that day. The messages from the boy were deleted , the one from the girl was still there....(Alarm bells again!). I wouldn’t mind if they were all gone, because she usually deletes messages after reading to keep space in the inbox.

She doesn’t know that this behaviour is slowly eating away at my confidence in the relationship, because she doesn’t know I am looking at her phone.

My Questions.
Is this type of behaviour in any way acceptable?
I know that there will be people that will reply who will defend her actions, because It is mostly innocent. Its like these guys are taking advantage of how nice she is. But she’s 27 years old, I seems a bit juvenile.
I think she would be able to defend the actions easily If a fight did ever erupt, a big part of her job is networking.

Is she taking the piss, or am i just a jealous idiot?

Dont want to lose her really, shes quite a good catch.



Please excuse my english!

johnr1

Luxemburger wrote: »

Hi everyone,
I'm a long time reader of this page and I have only had the courage to write about my problems now.

The Situation.
My girlfriend of 6 years is a very friendly person. A great communicator. She’s fun. She’s pretty, she’s got quite a desirable figure as well.
In her work and through friends she comes into contact with a lot of guys that she makes friends with. She’s really easy to make friends with, and I can see how guys easily gravitate towards her, she smiles at everyone and is very inclusive, no matter what she thinks of them. Same for Boys and Girls.
I have no problem with her making friends.

The problem arises when guys start flirting with her. They have exchanged numbers because they have worked on something together, or they were in class together doing course work, or they join her on Facebook.

She has been asked out for dinner, lunch and all that sort of stuff, even while these guys know that she has a boyfriend. She would never except these invitations, but at the same time, these guys can easily dress it up as wanting to talk about business or what sort of strategies they want to employ etc...

Suspicion has gotton the better of me over the years and I have checked her phone on more than a few occasions. The messages from these guys(there have been quite a few guys) are mostly chatty, laughing about something that has happened on TV, or typical witty chit chat(all the sort of stuff that you'd use to try and impress someone) I assume she’s involved In the same sort of replies(which are always deleted)

Not long ago, she arrived home late with a message from a guy, that went along the lines of “My number, just in case...”. Probably meaning that she was chatting with him for most of the night but
when asked for her number she said she was attached. I confronted her over this, she said that she was talking to a nice guy, and that she gave him her number to set him up with her friend(Alarm bells ringing, I know!)

Most recently, she received late night texts while her phone was off. She turned it on in the morning, and headed for the shower. I saw that 3 messages came through. Two from a boy, One from a female friend. I didn’t read them, only saw the names. When she came back from the shower, she picked up her phone, looked at messages, and put phone down.

Got to see the phone again later that day. The messages from the boy were deleted , the one from the girl was still there....(Alarm bells again!). I wouldn’t mind if they were all gone, because she usually deletes messages after reading to keep space in the inbox.

She doesn’t know that this behaviour is slowly eating away at my confidence in the relationship, because she doesn’t know I am looking at her phone.

My Questions.
Is this type of behaviour in any way acceptable?
I know that there will be people that will reply who will defend her actions, because It is mostly innocent. Its like these guys are taking advantage of how nice she is. But she’s 27 years old, I seems a bit juvenile.
I think she would be able to defend the actions easily If a fight did ever erupt, a big part of her job is networking.

Is she taking the piss, or am i just a jealous idiot?

Dont want to lose her really, shes quite a good catch.



Please excuse my english!

Is what type of behaviour acceptable ? You constantly invading her privacy by "checking" snooping her phone even though you have no reason to suspect her of any wrongdoing ? Ans = NO !!!!:rolleyes::rolleyes:

Is she taking the piss? - No, she's clearly rebuffing all comers while trying not to alarm you, but you know what mate, keep on like you are, and I wouldn't bet on that lasting very long.

Are you a jealous idiot ? - Yes, absolutely.

She's had loads of offers as you say, yet for some reason she's with you, now why would she do that I wonder....... because its you she wants, not these other guys, but as I said above, cop on or she'l change her mind fast about that.

There is no power on the planet to stop someone from leaving you if that's what they want to do, and if she wanted to she would. Just like that. End of.

We all have insecurities, learn to deal with yours, and if she's a cheater or wants to leave you for someone else, you'll know without invading her phone and wrecking your own head.

edit, your english is fine too, leave that one behind also.

Bloody Nipples

I wouldn't say she's done anything wrong. She's a good looking girl and guys are always going to have a go and try their luck. Unless she cuts out all contact with the male sex, then it's just something you're going to have to deal with.
On the topic that she deletes texts, ye've been going out for 6 years, in all likelihood she's picked up on the fact that you're jealous and probably gets rid of unsolicited texts off guys to stop any confrontations. You've said yourself that the texts are just chatty/witty chit chat. Doesn't really sound suspicious to me.

The Princess Bride

"Don't want to lose her really,she's quite a good catch"?

Am sure she'd like to think you thought more of her after 6 years than this^^^.
No good can ever come from checking someone else's phone.
You either trust her or you don't.
And if you seriously feel it's affecting your confidence,talk to her.Mistrust within a relationship is very hard to shift.The longer your doubts continue to linger,the harder it will be to enjoy what you do have with her .

fghijkl

six years and this is how you feel about your gf?!

shes quite a good catch

You don't respect her privacy, and you don't trust her.

Why on earth are you with her? If there's no trust then there's no relationship.

There's nothing in your post to suggest your gf is anything other than friendly.

Any text message taken out of context, or read only knowing one side of the conversation could be interpreted in the wrong way. You're only adding to your paranoia by reading them.

LegacyUser

The reason men and women in relationships don't take numbers from the opposite sex is because of your post. You're quite rightly suspicious. She might see it as innocent, but really she should have more cop on if she can't see the position she's put you in.
I would never put myself in to a situation where I was taking phone numbers from guys and texting them. It would show a complete lack of respect for my boyfriend. I know I would hate it if he didn't have the social common sense to deflect women looking for his phone number!!

Have it out with her OP. This just can't go on. Tell her how you feel, tell her that you feel ashamed about this but it's gotten to the stage where you're checking her phone (perfectly understandable all the same though!!). Lay it on the table, tell her you can't go out with a girl who takes other guys numbers on a regular basis. If she can understand your point of view, then the relationship can work. If she doesn't and tries to make out that you're jealous, you're better off ending things. You know your own mind and you know that this is making you unhappy, so stick to your guns. If you don't, you could end up married to her and spend your whole life in a prison of your own making.

Mallei

The fact that the first two things you point out about your girlfriend are that she's pretty and that she has a desirable figure, and rather than saying you love her you say she's "a good catch", suggest to me a complete lack of respect.

You don't trust her. You see her as an object. After six years you're still not emotionally invested and view your girlfriend primarily as an object of physical attraction. You're spying on her, even though she's done nothing to warrant it.

You have issues. And, frankly, it sounds like she deserves better than a mistrustful, jealous boyfriend who sees no worth in her beyond her looks.

Luxemburger

Luxemburger wrote: »

She has been asked out for dinner, lunch and all that sort of stuff, even while these guys know that she has a boyfriend. She would never except these invitations, but at the same time, these guys can easily dress it up as wanting to talk about business or what sort of strategies they want to employ etc...

Between "she's a good catch" and this, do you have any respect for her at all? Seriously, do you think she's thick? She is perfectly capable of telling them no, I am certain, and she knows when she's being hit on.
You don't respect her or her privacy as far as I can tell, you're obsessing over texts from "a boy", you seem to think she can be easily fooled by these guys and their "strategies"...
I am starting to think she deserves better, really

seamus

bluewolf wrote: »

you seem to think she can be easily fooled by these guys and their "strategies"...

Which is of course the defining trait of excessive jealousy.

Jealously comes from the belief that either you are so unattractive or your girlfriend is so without self-restraint, that any smooth talker or finely-chiselled chin can come along and sweep her off her feet and she runs away and forgets about you.

Of course, you can be forgiven to some degree, because TV would have us believe that a furtive glance and few choice words turns women (and men) into horny simpletons willing to run off with anyone.

But ultimately the fear derives from your own poor self-image. You probably trust her completely. But you don't trust anyone else (and quite rightly). The piece you're missing is that regardless of anyone else's intentions, your girlfriend is a person with a mind of her own and no desire to be taken by the first guy to come along with an offer of sex.

As a big part of her job is socialising/networking, then you have to find a way to deal with this, because for as long as she works at what she's doing, she will spend her time talking to other men and meeting with other men to do business. The issue is entirely yours and you can either handle it or you can't. She's not doing anything wrong.

squonk

You need to start trusting your girlfriend and show her some respect. She's told you she's rebuffing these guys and you've no reason to suspect she's not. She doesn't appear to be doing anything wrong overall.

I'd suggest you work on your own self image or else give up this relationship because you can't handle it.

I am a friend

I am actually shocked by the manner in which you are invading this girls privacy... You have absolutly no right other than in your own head to do this... She is doing nothing wrong and you are doing something very very wrong...:eek:

vetinari

Firstly, OP it's not healthy to be checking the phone of your gf. That's unacceptable. You should talk to her about this face to face instead.

I will say though that some of your complaints are justified. It seems to have escaped people's notice but the OP said that hie gf will spend time in a bar chatting to random guys and give them her phone number. That's too far imo.

Flip the tables here, if some girl posted here that her bf was going out chatting up women and getting phone numbers, there'd be all sorts of accusations being made. Chatting is fine but taking the phone numbers is too much. It'd be very tough for any guy not to feel suspicious in that context. I'd imagine she'd be mentioning a different guy who she's met every week.

LegacyUser

Mallei wrote: »

The fact that the first two things you point out about your girlfriend are that she's pretty and that she has a desirable figure, and rather than saying you love her you say she's "a good catch", suggest to me a complete lack of respect.

You don't trust her. You see her as an object. After six years you're still not emotionally invested and view your girlfriend primarily as an object of physical attraction. You're spying on her, even though she's done nothing to warrant it.

You have issues. And, frankly, it sounds like she deserves better than a mistrustful, jealous boyfriend who sees no worth in her beyond her looks.

OP here,
Ok, when i said sorry about my English i didn't mean that I cant spell or throw a sentence together, maybe the way I phrase things is poor. What I meant by "a good catch" was that I really value her and what she does for me emotionally and physically, shes a achiever, shes kind, shes got it all. That's why I fell in love with her in the first place. Am I am heavily emotionally involved with her. I would be half the person i am without her. That's why it irks me to the point of asking advise from you guys.

If i saw her a piece of meat then i would have dumped her ages ago, when all this stuff started, which was about 2 years into the relationship. Funnily enough it didn't seem to happen in the start.

She had confidence issues while in her teens and has now flourished, she get noticed a lot more. She has told me that it is nice to get attention....

I just couldn't go out and do the same thing and not feel that I was lowering the tone of the relationship - she doesn't know i'm jealous, i hide it very well.
I think shes playing Russian roulette with the relationship by entertaining these guys.
Late night texts are Bang out of order.

There are a few of these guys that she doesn't have any professional contact with any more that still try to close in on her.

If Its wrong to confront her about it, then would it be right to confront these guys about it(i mean in a non aggressive way of course)?

I appreciate the advise guys no matter what end of the spectrum you go to on it.
Thanks

Distorted

Luxemburger wrote: »

Suspicion has gotton the better of me over the years and I have checked her phone on more than a few occasions.

Luxemburger wrote: »

Is she taking the piss, or am i just a jealous idiot?

You seem obsessed with checking her phone and have never found anything incriminating so I would say she is not.

Luxemburger wrote: »

Dont want to lose her really, shes quite a good catch.

Thats a horrible way to describe someone after 6 years together. It sort of implies you are more interested in how you appear to others by having her on your arm than how much you are into her as an individual. You sound like a bit of a passenger in this relationship, only reacting negatively to what has happened, but not instigating. 6 years is a long time without any committment. If she is still with you without any, either she is a saint or I wouldn't blame her for getting a bit bored.

Maybe you are not suited - you might feel better with a less attractive, more serious, less sociable girlfriend who doesn't work (and therefore meet other people)? Would such a person be a good enough catch for you though?

LegacyUser

Hi OP

I was there in the same position as yourself, had been with the gf three years and to be honest reading your post really reminded me of her. I wont go into long details but i had my suspicions about certain people she worked with, she lied to me for over a year but through checking like yourself i found out the truth and she became my ex

There is no smoke without fire as they say, if she claims she txts these other guys as part of work thats one thing, but unless her job is as a tv critic what reason is there for these guys to be txting her about a "funny show" or whatever.

I am one of those guys who keeps work and personal life seperate, if someone i was in a relationship came to me in the same way because certain actions of mine hurt or upset her i would make the appropriate changes. People here can say she is cheating, can say you are being a jealous madman but the only people who know the truth is you and her

Sit her down and have a proper and calm conversation about it

LegacyUser

Luxemburger wrote: »

She has told me that it is nice to get attention....

And I think this is the crux. It's amazing that so many men want to take her phone number even though she's in a relationship. Of course, you have men (and women) who don't care whether someone is in a relationship or not. But believe it or not, there are men who wouldn't touch a woman who's in a relationship with a barge pole. She must be on some level encouraging these men to give her their number, otherwise why is she getting so many? I don't think she's out to cheat on you OP, but surely she has to have the cop on to realise that taking men's numbers is not something you do when you're in a relationship? It's very hurtful to the partner, and only serves to plant doubts. The last thing you want to do when you're in a relationship is to plant doubts in your partner's mind, and this is what your girlfriend is doing by getting men's numbers. It's not all in your mind OP, and you're certainly not wrong to be wondering about it.

As for checking her phone, I saw a thread here before where a girl had suspicions her boyfriend was cheating. She checked his phone. While posters didn't whole heartedly agree that she should have checked his phone, everybody agreed that she had good reason to. You don't seem to be gettingt he same sympathy however!

If you see yourself spending the rest of your life with her, get the issue out in the open. It's important to have honesty, and you have to let her know what's bugging you. You're not a big bossy 'I am man, hear me roar' type, all you have are a few very real concerns which need to be addressed. Listen to her side but be prepared to stick to your guns, you know you're not happy with the way things are otherwise why would you look for advice?