long term/long distance/long time.....

LegacyUser

I have a dilemma. I am in a long term relationship with a man who I love very much.

After completing a masters and after 18 months looking for a job he got one: in a foreign country that's about a 5 hour flight away. We have been together for about 8 years and have done the long distance thing before with college, volunteering, etc., so while I was heartbroken he had to go, it was nothing we had not done before or couldn't handle, or so I thought.

However what is different this time is that it's a permanent job, every other time there was an end date to the long distance which I think kept us both going. Problem is, I can't get a job in that country and also, I don't want to live in that country. My main issue with living there is that it is a muslim country and we would not be allowed to live together as we have been here: coupled with the fact that marriage is not on the cards right now.

While I want to him to progress on his careerpath, I also want to pursue my own career and education dreams, which involves me staying here. Furthermore, I regularly get comments from his friends and family asking when I am moving over and why haven't I yet and so on. One classic email suggested that it's way easier to get a job in a neighbouring country "that's only one hour's flight away". It is incredibly frustrating.

I have told him how I feel about all these things and he said he's going to ask the friends and family to tone it down a bit. Although previously he wasn't, he is now more supportive of my me going for my goals as I have supported him in going for his.

However, since he left I have been really enjoying life. I have been going out with my friends more, taken up hobbies I have always wanted to do, got my dream job and generally living it up. Honestly, I think I am the happiest I have been in years. He has noticed and now comments on how how I seem to "enjoy myself a lot more when he's not around". Which to be honest, has been the case. When he had left the previous times, I moped around the place with a miserable face, unable to go on cos I missed him so much. So because of my previous experiences, I have learned the secret is to keep busy and it is working.

I find myself wondering if actually we shouldn't keep this relationship going and have I just been dragging it out when realistically I should have just ended it when the previous long-distances (just to clarify- we have had 2 bouts of long-distance previous to this) came up? Yes I would be ending 8 years, but does this mean I will become my own better, stronger, single person? Or would I be a fool to end what I considered a strong relationship and am just handling long-distance very well this time?

I am a friend

I am not a fan of long-term, indefinite long distance. I think your OH has been selfish in putting you in this position and is clearly only thinking of himself and not the relationship.

I personally, especially if you wanted kids at some stage would not hang on for him. Do you want to marry him? Has it been discussed? Would you be giving up everything you have worked for to move there or would there be better opportunities over there? Obviously career and stuffy are important but then so is an 8 year relationship, or so you would think.

Think about what you want, ask what he wants and don’t waste time if they don’t line up…

Count Duckula

Sounds like he's stringing you along, OP. No sign of kids, no sign of marriage, he moves to a new country for his benefit knowing you can't follow and yet still expects you to stay with him.

He's being selfish and he's definitely not thinking about you any more. I think it's probably time you stopped thinking about him.

squonk

Count Duckula wrote: »

Sounds like he's stringing you along, OP. No sign of kids, no sign of marriage, he moves to a new country for his benefit knowing you can't follow and yet still expects you to stay with him.

He's being selfish and he's definitely not thinking about you any more. I think it's probably time you stopped thinking about him.

Agree with Count Duckula. Also OP , in reading your post, it sounded more like you were advancing a rational argument for leaving him. It's up to yourself but if you're happy then that's something that you can't sneeze at. I somehow get the feeling you've decided what you want to do but are, I don't know, just posting to test the water or see if we think you're crazy in some way. You don't come across as crazy! I think you already know what you want to do. There's no perfect fit to this situation really mid-term and it seems like you might have decided that but you aren't really acknowledging it just yet.

As a last note, it is very unfair on you to have him head off and expect you to just sit in standby mode almost. That alone would be a deal breaker for me.

token56

This isn't a normal long distance relationship as you said yourself that you can't see yourself moving there any time soon and he has a clear desire to progress his career over there and that's his decision which is fair enough. Therefore its unlikely anything is going to change soon.

I think then its just one of those cases where people move along different paths in life and a relationship just isn't meant to be at this point in time. I dont think its right to put blame on anyone, its simply a case of two people chasing their desired careers and this has led both of you along separate paths in life. You are enjoying your life here and he is probably enjoying his there, this I'm not sure about as you haven't specified but I'll take it that he is. Its my honest opinion then that the two of you have drifted too far apart in the direction of where you are both heading for a meaningful relationship to be maintained and you probably know this yourself. It's obviously an easy thing to say from the outside and a relationship of that time is not something that's easy to just forget about and end. But you have to ask yourself seriously if the two of you are heading the same direction and if it makes sense to be together. The best decision is not always the easiest one and I think that is the case here but no one here can make the call for you. It's something you need to decide.

LegacyUser

Hi guys, thanks a mil for the replies- so nice to hear outside opinions!

I found when talking about my doubts with my own friends that it wasn't really taken seriously- "well if anyone can do this it's you too; you've been together so long, you'll get through it; no better people for it, etc"- so genuinely, you have no idea how much I appreciate these honest answers.

Had a good chat with him last night over skype, told him I didn't feel like we were in a relationship anymore. That we're both just going along with this cos it's familiar and comfortable and that possibly we were both so afraid of makiing the other person unhappy that we couldn't make ourselves happy.

He agreed, also saying he didn't want to lose me and what we have and that he has felt like he has been losing me since he left.

I asked him straight up what he wanted to get out of this relationship. He said he wants to get married and start a family. It was really nice to hear cos to be honest, while we have been together so long, we've only really talked about this when drunk!

I told him I need an end date for when he is coming home. He is going to talk to his bosses and see can he get a transfer back.

I feel good about talking to him about it. I think for the first time we were both brutally honest with each other and can see what we need to do to make this work.

I'm glad I put this here, it was weird to see what I was thinking onscreen!

I am a friend

Oh God thats great news. Am chuffed for you both. Congrats

vetinari

OP, I'm glad to hear that you've got a clearer picture of the future now.
One thing I would say is that it's not fair to call him selfish.

You said yourself that it took 18 months for him to find a job in his field. That's a lot of looking! If he can't transfer back, does he just come home and be unemployed??