I messed up...........

LegacyUser

I love my boyfriend very much but i've really screwed up.

We were doing a long distance relationship at the time. I was out one night with a group of friends. We were unable to get home as it was down the country and no taxis were running. I ended up staying in a room with 2 guys which was fine. Didn't think much of it just wanted to sleep. We were all friends.

I woke up in the middle of the night with one of the guys been inappropriate to me. When i tried to stop it he put his arm around my neck so i couldn't move. I just froze i didn't know what to do and just lay there and prayed it would be over.

After he apologised and i was just crying. I know i didn't instigate it but i felt i didn't do enough to stop it.

Me and my boyfriend were looking at ending things at the time so decided to bury it and no need to hurt him as we were going to break up.

Things changed and we worked out our problems. I am moving over to be with him now but i don't know what to do about what happened. I feel it will destroy us now and i just want to be with him and make a fresh start.

Please don't make me feel worse then i do.

robman60

I'm not entirely sure about what happened after he had his hand on you... If he had sex with you after he had his arm around your neck, and you wanted him to stop, you were raped. You can put forward criminal charges if this is the case.

If all he did was put his arm on you, I'm sure you can forget it.

Anyway, from reading your post I can't tell what happened you, but it's important to remember that it isn't your fault if he did something to you without your consent. This is a very serious offense if he did, and should be reported.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the reply.

I am a bit hazy on how much i tried to stop it thats what i feel guilty about.I know i didn't instigate it or respond to him at all. When he put his arm around my neck (kinda like a headlock) i felt scared and didn't know wat to do. It sounds stupid why didn't i just shout out but i felt like nothing would come out. He had sex with me.

I feel like i was taken advantage of.Its something i can get over and put behind me but i don't know whether to tell my partner.

I feel like i have to much to lose for something i did not want and why should i risk it because some creep drank too much and felt he was able to do that.

Kevin Duffy

You did not mess up, you did nothing wrong, you should not feel bad, this incident does not reflect badly on you in any way.

You can be honest with your bf, but only you know if that is appropriate to where your relationship is now. You can report what happened to the authorities, if you want to. You can keep it to yourself and build a happy relationship with your bf, but I would suggest counselling if you do that.

Do not confuse what happened with your relationship, then or now - what happened was wrong, under any circumstances.

LegacyUser

He used physical force to pressurise you into sex after you'd said no. thats rape. Its pretty common I think for victims of this type of crime to blame themselves but it was in no way your fault. You were asleep, its not like you lead him on or gave him the impression you were interested in any way, he knew you wern't and didn't care.

It sounds like youv'e put it behind you in some way and thats good. Its up to you whether you tell your boyfriend but remember you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. This guy took complete advantage without any consideration for you.

SugarHigh

Has the guy shown any indication that he realises what he did was wrong? I think you should tell your BF and then the police. While the guy probably won't be charged it will shame him and hopefully teach him a lesson. If you don't do this and he doesn't think he did anything wrong he may do it again.

You don't have to feel like a victim if you don't want to be one but I do think you have a chance to be a protector and should protect other women by highlighting this guy.

Your BF will not be mad at you and if he is then dump him. Don't beat yourself up about not resisting it's not uncommon to freeze.

premierlass

When he put his arm around my neck (kinda like a headlock) i felt scared and didn't know wat to do. It sounds stupid why didn't i just shout out but i felt like nothing would come out.

Pet, he had you in a headlock. You were terrified. This isn't your fault.

You can chat to a counsellor if you ring the Rape Crisis centre. It might help you work out where to go from here.

Kevin Duffy

terriblegf wrote: »

Thanks for the reply.

I am a bit hazy on how much i tried to stop it thats what i feel guilty about.I know i didn't instigate it or respond to him at all. When he put his arm around my neck (kinda like a headlock) i felt scared and didn't know wat to do. It sounds stupid why didn't i just shout out but i felt like nothing would come out. He had sex with me.

I feel like i was taken advantage of.Its something i can get over and put behind me but i don't know whether to tell my partner.

I feel like i have to much to lose for something i did not want and why should i risk it because some creep drank too much and felt he was able to do that.

That's really not relevant, you don't have to try to fight him off for him to be in the wrong, completely, in every way. Don't torture yourself over this, you did nothing wrong from what you've said here, nothing.

Whether or not the guy apologized afterwards, he still sexually took advantage of you. You did absolutely nothing wrong here, you were terrified. Rather than trying to place blame on yourself, I would be contacting the authorities and let them know what just transpired.