Some single issues & other stuff

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'm a girl in mid thirties, just out of a marriage, sadly no kids. I'm coping well with the relationship breakdown, I've taken time out and now I'm ready to start again.
I would love to meet someone else. Although I don't mind the odd drink, I can't face the bar scene in dublin, as it's very young and loud. Do you have any suggestions for a more chilled out bar scene? I'm a pretty active and fit person and I've lots of hobbies. I would really like to meet someone this way. I'm into dance classes, pilates, cookery classes and a few other things... but they're all full of women!!! Can you suggest something where there might be more of a mix of sexes? I'm a very feminine woman and I'm into masculine men. Is there any common ground between the two in terms of activities? I don’t see myself on a tag rugby pitch.

And now here’s the heart of my worries. I’m thirty six. Not that old. But I’m not able to have children and that played a part in the breakdown of my marriage. I don’t know how to approach a relationship and have to tell the guy that if he stays with me, he can’t have kids either. At what point do you even have that chat? It seems like a pretty fundamental thing to discuss early on, but it’s a conversation I dread. How early is reasonable? As mentioned, the men I’ve been into have always been masculine types with fairly traditional roles. I turned down guys when I was younger if they said they didn’t want kids - though nearly all of them have ended up having kids anyway. Maybe this wouldn’t be an issue if I was a few years older, but right now my peers are still settling down and starting families. Are there any guys out there who could love an infertile thirty six year old woman?

I don’t know if I’m being too anxious on this issue. Anyway, if someone out there has any thoughts or has handled an issue like this before, please let me know.

dellas1979

Hehe sorry I just had to reply to your "im a very feminine woman" comment. I play tag, and I assure you, Im a feminine woman too. And BTW?? It is an excellent way to meet new people (not just men like).

Anyways, maybe look at it like this, you are 36 - so you are probably into fellas around 35-40 or there abouts. There are lots of men out there who have had children and a relationship/marriage breakdown also. So, without sounding too crude about this, maybe that is your "target market"? Im sure they would be pretty masculine too (sorry Im still confused what you mean by "feminine" women and "masculine" men).

LegacyUser

Sorry Dellas, I don't mean in any way to imply that girls who play tag rugby aren't feminine. I suppose I'm just not that rough and tumble.
Obviously I better what I mean by this masculine/feminine thing - I didn't wanna offend anyone, was trying to be subtle but it's obviously backfired.
When I talk about meeting masculine men - that's a bad description too - the things I've been into - wine tasting, latin dancing, water colours - well, no offence to anybody out there but it appears that big, rugged, hairy men don't tango! There, I've said it! Please don't judge me - I'm not judging anyone's sexuality I'm just talking about the kind of men I'm into.
I'm looking for an activity where an effete, prissy, non-rough and tumble girl like myself can meet rugged, hairy types - is that better? :-) It certainly sounds funnier!
It's just that everything I try seems to be full of women - don't get me wrong - I have a lots female friends already. BTW of course I want to meet new people and not just for relationships but I'd prefer a better mix of the sexes than I already have.

Regarding men with kids: I'm still coming to terms with my own childlessness. I'm not sure yet how I would cope with being with someone who had their own kids.I don't know if being in that kind of relationship would be more painful as right now I'm struggling to accept that I'll never have my own kids. I'm not ruling it out, just still very raw.
Does anyone have any experience of this kind of situation?

dellas1979

No - no you didnt offend - I thought it was funny!!

That is your type of man then (same as I like tall, dark, and handsome (and lovely shoulders helps )) - not that the man you fancy is "masculine".

Yes, I think saying that you are more "girlie" sounds much better than "more feminine". I am not very "girlie" (no pink and all that crack), but I would consider myself pretty feminine.

Anyhoo, I can understand that you need to get your head around your own situation, which is why Im going to say stay away from any hunky, rugged men for a little bit until you get your head straight. Are you leaping from the pan into the fire about this? I think you might be panicking (and no doubt understandbly why). Are you seeking help/seeing a councellor to get your head around this? I know people suggest at the drop of a hat "go see a councellor", but I think your situation 100% deserves a little more thought.

Kevin Duffy

Just my take on your approach to finding someone - open your mind. You seem to have ruled out ways of meeting the man you want and want to stick to the things you're doing, which you acknowledge aren't helping you meet the man you want. You can't have it both ways.

The tag rugby as an example - play it or don't play, obviously do what you like - but you've decided it's rough and tumble which wouldn't suit you; actually it's a non-contact, mixed sport, played by people of a huge variety of abilities and it's great fun. It's little wonder it's been a rapidly growing social-sporting actvity. But you've decided to rule it out, despite it potentially giving you a chance to meet the kind of man you want. If you're not finding him at the dance class, maybe find him somewhere else and bring him with you.
Or keep going on your own and moaning there are no men there - which do you think will get you what you want?

LegacyUser

dellas1979 wrote: »

Anyhoo, I can understand that you need to get your head around your own situation, which is why Im going to say stay away from any hunky, rugged men for a little bit until you get your head straight. Are you leaping from the pan into the fire about this? I think you might be panicking (and no doubt understandbly why). Are you seeking help/seeing a councellor to get your head around this? I know people suggest at the drop of a hat "go see a councellor", but I think your situation 100% deserves a little more thought.

Thanks Dellas. I have spoken to a counsellor. Basically finding out that I couldn't have kids took six years and four miscarriages, and then there was the break up. We split last autumn so I have taken some time. Also I feel like I've had a few really hard and sad years and I want to get a new start. All the misery has taken up enough time already. I realise that I won't get over everything overnight but I just think it's time to get on with my life. Though obviously I wish I didn't have so much baggage!

LegacyUser

Kevin Duffy wrote: »

Just my take on your approach to finding someone - open your mind. You seem to have ruled out ways of meeting the man you want and want to stick to the things you're doing, which you acknowledge aren't helping you meet the man you want. You can't have it both ways.

The tag rugby as an example - play it or don't play, obviously do what you like - but you've decided it's rough and tumble which wouldn't suit you; actually it's a non-contact, mixed sport, played by people of a huge variety of abilities and it's great fun. It's little wonder it's been a rapidly growing social-sporting actvity. But you've decided to rule it out, despite it potentially giving you a chance to meet the kind of man you want. If you're not finding him at the dance class, maybe find him somewhere else and bring him with you.
Or keep going on your own and moaning there are no men there - which do you think will get you what you want?

Well I'm posting here cause I realise my hobbies aren't popular with many men or not the kind of men I'm attracted to! I'm looking for new ideas!
Ok, well didn't know that about the tag rugby, I've only known one girl who did it and she got a bad contact injury at one of her first practice sessions. She was probably just unlucky. I am pretty fit but I've never been a team sports type - not being closed minded, just knowing my limits!
I'm prepared to go out of my girlie comfort zone a bit. I'm thinking of trying surfing. Any other ideas for me?
I'm also considering internet dating, though I'm really shy about putting my profile up and having people who know me see it. I'm probably being silly!

Semele

I'd definitely recommend internet dating. It's great for anyone, but is especially so for people who have more non-negotiable criteria (such as the children thing). You can search specifically for men who either definitely do not want children, or who don't see it as all that important. And it's a lot easier with online dating to be upfront in the first place, thereby saving yourself the time and effort of meeting someone suitable "naturally", getting to know him a bit, asking him out and then wondering how many dates down the line to bring up something so "serious-relationship-y".

You don't even have to have your photo public- on many sites you can hide it and only show it to people you've approved.

I can understand why people have reservations about it but there really is no easier way to quickly find a large pool of eligible singles! And it can be a lot of fun, even if nothing comes of it!

LegacyUser

Thank you Semele, that really makes sense & sounds like a great way to handle the dreaded 'conversation'.
I'm going to try it! Can you suggest any sites particularly ones where you don't have to show your profile?

I am a friend

I hope this reads the way I mean it to…….

OP, I am very sorry that you got bad news about having kids but the silver lining is that, in a lot of ways, it frees you more to meet the prefect man as there is no clock ticking in the back of your head….

A lot of girls who are 36, single and want to meet a man, can end up turning men off as they want to run up the aisle within the first 6 months of meeting the guy… Worse again a lot of them are making bad judgments when choosing partners as they feel their clock is running out and they need to meet someone to have kids with… The positive is that you don’t have this issue so you have lots of time to meet and get to know the right man for you without any time pressure… On this basis, I would be just getting myself out there. Meet all the friends you can, touch base with old friends and just be out and enjoying yourself. Try internet dating for the laugh but like everything else don’t lay all your hopes on it…

You sound like you are doing well and it’s onwards and upwards from here….

Semele

slightlyworried wrote: »

Thank you Semele, that really makes sense & sounds like a great way to handle the dreaded 'conversation'.
I'm going to try it! Can you suggest any sites particularly ones where you don't have to show your profile?

Do! Like I said, it'll be fun even if nothing comes of it. I've had a few dates now, nothing serious but it's a great way to get back into the fun social whirl of meeting new people and flirting a bit after being in a serious and emotionally draining situation for a long time. Basically it can remind you that it's meant to be enjoyable!

You might be better off with paid sites too, as people on those generally are a bit more serious about the whole thing. I'm not sure which sites offer the private photo option, as I don't mind putting mine up, but there's a great thread on online dating in The Gentleman's Club forum which answers a lot of similar questions.

Good luck anyway!

I am a friend

Semele wrote: »

Do! Like I said, it'll be fun even if nothing comes of it. I've had a few dates now, nothing serious but it's a great way to get back into the fun social whirl of meeting new people and flirting a bit after being in a serious and emotionally draining situation for a long time. Basically it can remind you that it's meant to be enjoyable!

I agree fully. I did it a few years back and it was good fun and you realise how many other people there are out there in the same boat....

Elle Collins

slightlyworried wrote: »

Regarding men with kids: I'm still coming to terms with my own childlessness. I'm not sure yet how I would cope with being with someone who had their own kids.I don't know if being in that kind of relationship would be more painful as right now I'm struggling to accept that I'll never have my own kids. I'm not ruling it out, just still very raw.

Glad to hear you've not ruling it out OP. You could find it surprisingly rewarding.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for your replies.

'I am a friend' - that is a really good point and one that I've considered before. In some ways, although the last few years have been heartbreaking and I wish I didn't have so much baggage, I'm glad the issue is resolved. And yes, that's a very positive way of looking at it: meeting the guy just for him without all the big plans and daydreams and hopefully some guy can meet me at the same level. Fingers crossed!