Dating an Asian girl

LegacyUser

I have been dating a Chinese girl for the last couple of weeks
though our cultural differences are really starting to shine through.

Apparently in China, before you can even hold hands or kiss you have
to be girlfriend/boyfriend and have the whole where is this relationship
going conversation. After just 2-3 weeks I found this concept a little
weird, but she maintains its just so she can feel the safety of a relationship.
She also spends a lot of the time asking me if I think this or that girl is
prettier than her?.

Has anyone dated Asian girls before, is this behaviour pretty normal?. Can I
expect this relationship to eventually be a normal one?.
I respect that we have totally different upbringings and backgrounds and
I don't expect her to ditch her beliefs for mine, but I don't want to ditch
my beliefs for hers either.

I'm the first Western guy she has went out with, it seems that most Chinese girls
are of the opinion that Western guys are a bunch of ballbags and I don't want to
be the one that confirms that for her. She is quite beautiful and smart but I don't
want to get stuck into this if its not going to work out because of our differences...

So what do you think, should I stay or should I go?.

karaokeman

I say.............................stay

Chinese girls are good looking.

Maple

karaokeman wrote: »

I say.............................stay

Chinese girls are hot:D

Infracted for idiotic posting.

Please read the charter before posting again.

Maple

karaokeman

Ok OP here's my view.

My uncle has a Malaysian wife and they are one of the happiest couples I've ever met.

Cultural differences shouldn't really be an issue either because living in Ireland no one really cares what you are allowed and not allowed do in your homeland.

Times are changing for us now, gays and people with disabilities are getting better civil rights than they did in the past.

The same goes for foreign girls. Just relax, enjoy yourself and see how things work out with her.

LegacyUser

karaokeman wrote: »

Ok OP here's my view.

Cultural differences shouldn't really be an issue either because living in Ireland no one really cares what you are allowed and not allowed do in your homeland.

Cultural differences aren't just about what's allowed though - that would be easy - they're also about what different people want and expect out off life.

I've spent quite a few years teaching Chinese students from a variety of backgrounds.

While society is changing, the majority of female Chinese I've known want marriage, and they generally want if pretty fast by our standards. They don't date for years in their twenties/thirties and 'see what happens'. Couples don't get together in China unless their serious about each other and marriage is potentially on the cards.
Of course, there are lots of exceptions, but it sounds like this girl fits the profile to a tee.
So OP, this is a very simple issue. Do you see yourself marrying this woman within the next let's say three years?
It's not about getting engaged to someone you barely know; it's about being open to the possibility.

As for her jealous-type behaviours, while it's worth remembering that her entire life has conditioned her to expect a much greater level of security in a new relationship than a western girl would... nah, showing jealousy is still ugly... and it's not classy in any culture.

Hank_Jones

I think you're going to have to accept that there are going to be cultural differences and decide whether you can live with that.

Personally, I think that you should welcome these differences,
you've got nothing to lose.

Vicxas

Id stay, so what cultural differences, bite the bullet and just do it!

Emme

ShouldIstayorshouldIgo wrote: »

Apparently in China, before you can even hold hands or kiss you haveto be girlfriend/boyfriend and have the whole where is this relationship going conversation. After just 2-3 weeks I found this concept a little weird, but she maintains its just so she can feel the safety of a relationship.

I think this is a good thing and shows that she values herself. Irish women seem to have sold out with this and almost regard it as the norm to be treated badly. From what I can see Asian girls have a lot of success with Irish men - maybe holding back is their secret! Then again, I'd love to see the look on an Irish guy's face if an Irish girl said to him that you couldn't hold hands or kiss unless you were boyfriend/girlfriend!:rolleyes: He'd probably turn on his heel and shout "NEXT!"

ShouldIstayorshouldIgo wrote: »

I'm the first Western guy she has went out with, it seems that most Chinese girls are of the opinion that Western guys are a bunch of ballbags :eek: and I don't want to be the one that confirms that for her. She is quite beautiful and smart but I don't want to get stuck into this if its not going to work out because of our differences...

So what do you think, should I stay or should I go?.

I'd never have thought that Chinese girls thought Western guys are ballbags, I see a lot of them with Irish guys. Maybe that's just this girls opinion.

If you want the relationship to work you will probably have to compromise, respect her wishes and don't kiss her until you are her boyfriend.

I am a friend

ShouldIstayorshouldIgo wrote: »

Apparently in China, before you can even hold hands or kiss you have
to be girlfriend/boyfriend

Its true... You have to be bf/ gf to kiss... Nothing wrong with a bit of holding back...

She may also be insecure about ehr looks as you only have been with western girls before...

Stick with it if you plan on treating her with respcet and well but dont if you dont plan on that

Elle Collins

Sorry OP but could you clarify what exactly is the problem here? The only problem I can read out of your post is that she might have some slight insecurity issues re other women, which is not uncommon and far from insurmountable.

JimmyCrackCorn

ShouldIstayorshouldIgo wrote: »

I have been dating a Chinese girl for the last couple of weeks
though our cultural differences are really starting to shine through.

Apparently in China, before you can even hold hands or kiss you have
to be girlfriend/boyfriend and have the whole where is this relationship
going conversation. After just 2-3 weeks I found this concept a little
weird, but she maintains its just so she can feel the safety of a relationship.
She also spends a lot of the time asking me if I think this or that girl is
prettier than her?.

Has anyone dated Asian girls before, is this behaviour pretty normal?. Can I
expect this relationship to eventually be a normal one?.
I respect that we have totally different upbringings and backgrounds and
I don't expect her to ditch her beliefs for mine, but I don't want to ditch
my beliefs for hers either.

I'm the first Western guy she has went out with, it seems that most Chinese girls
are of the opinion that Western guys are a bunch of ballbags and I don't want to
be the one that confirms that for her. She is quite beautiful and smart but I don't
want to get stuck into this if its not going to work out because of our differences...

So what do you think, should I stay or should I go?.

I was nearly married to a Chinese woman. The cultural differences are difficult depending on how traditional her family is(and her).

The best bit of advice I can give you is take it seriously, do not get into the relationship if your just planning to get your end away for a few months.

The Chinese in particular mainland Chinese take this stuff very seriously.

Canluum

ShouldIstayorshouldIgo wrote: »

Apparently in China, before you can even hold hands or kiss you have
to be girlfriend/boyfriend and have the whole where is this relationship
going conversation. After just 2-3 weeks I found this concept a little
weird, but she maintains its just so she can feel the safety of a relationship.
She also spends a lot of the time asking me if I think this or that girl is
prettier than her?.

May I ask what age you both are? It's necessary context since there's a huge difference in the rate of a relationship's progression between 15-30. Also this seems a lot more like an immaturity/insecurity rather than purely cultural thing.

What do you answer to the "is that girl prettier than me?" question? I think that's pretty woeful behaviour on her part (even if she doesn't realise it) and I'd put a stop to it fairly quickfast. If it was me, with a wry grin I'd refuse to answer that "trick question"

Has anyone dated Asian girls before, is this behaviour pretty normal?

Individuals differ far from their cultural stereotypes, if your core values overlap enough then cultural differences revert to little but the odd humorous miscommunication. I dated an american girl who on the surface seemed liberal and fit in very well with irish culture... at heart though our beliefs, ideals and expectations for what a relationship should be differed vastly. She was far too conservative for me.

Currently I'm dating a Japanese girl who, on the surface coming from a traditional family, seems very proper. Dig a little deeper though and you'll find strongly progressive beliefs and a very open, adventurous mind. I'm a lot happier in this relationship.

Can I expect this relationship to eventually be a normal one?.

If you put your foot down and set the standard good and early (i.e. now). It's not going to magically get better unless you make it better. If she can't handle it, better to know now than 6 months down the road. In my experience women tend to find assertiveness an attractive trait in a man. That doesn't meaning whining, complaining or apologising. It means communicating your needs in a firm but tactful manner. You'll need to compromise of course, but only meet half way, and stick on the points that are genuinely important for you. It's not a competition to see who can give least way, it's trying to form a stable working bond where everybody is as happy as possible.

I'm the first Western guy she has went out with, it seems that most Chinese girls are of the opinion that Western guys are a bunch of ballbags and I don't want to be the one that confirms that for her.

Be wary of the possible trap this could lead you into. You should care less about her friends' sweeping uninformed opinions and concentrate on yourself and your relationship with her. It's okay to be assertive, exhibit masculine qualities. Her friends will tag along if they see she's happy with you and you have a healthy amount of manners and respect... You end up trying to please them and only they will be happy, you and the girlfriend will be miserable.

So what do you think, should I stay or should I go?

For now? Stay, set the tone, stand up for your needs and be firm but tactful. If she doesn't like it let her go, you weren't right for eachother anyway. What will more likely occur I'm guessing is she'll like this new... strong, manly, assertive you... there's a reason she's dating a western boy. That's one reason you shouldn't change who you are. The other is your own happiness.

LegacyUser

So she's giving the old 'is she prettier than me?' routine?

That's not a cultural difference. That's someone attempting to control you with their insecurity. What would you think of Irish girl who carried on that way?

Maple

Emme wrote: »

I think this is a good thing and shows that she values herself. Irish women seem to have sold out with this and almost regard it as the norm to be treated badly. From what I can see Asian girls have a lot of success with Irish men - maybe holding back is their secret! Then again, I'd love to see the look on an Irish guy's face if an Irish girl said to him that you couldn't hold hands or kiss unless you were boyfriend/girlfriend!:rolleyes: He'd probably turn on his heel and shout "NEXT!"

Less of the generalisations about Irish men and women please, this is not the thread for it.

Going forward please keep all responses on topic and directed towards the OP.

Maple

Chairman Meow

Yeah i was seeing a girl form hong kong for like 2 months a while ago. It was a load of ****e truth be told. She did the whole "we need to have a talka bout where the relationship is going" thing on like the 3rd date. Now i wasnt expecting to be jumping into bed with her after a week but ****s sake, 2 months of holding hands and not even a kiss and id had enough. Not worth it at all. You get all of the nagging and none of the fun stuff. Avoid.

TerrorFirmer

Chairman Meow wrote: »

Yeah i was seeing a girl form hong kong for like 2 months a while ago. It was a load of ****e truth be told. She did the whole "we need to have a talka bout where the relationship is going" thing on like the 3rd date. Now i wasnt expecting to be jumping into bed with her after a week but ****s sake, 2 months of holding hands and not even a kiss and id had enough. Not worth it at all. You get all of the nagging and none of the fun stuff. Avoid.

Some people would find that attitude commendable and admirable, myself included, and I really did not grow up in China, certainly. One can advise to avoid on that premise, but really, depending on what you're looking for, it can be a far better thing then what you're advocating....

Canluum

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

Some people would find that attitude commendable and admirable

While others would find it sex-negative, backward, inhibitory, victorian, controlling and arbitrarily repressive. As well as being indicative of a wealth of undesirable traits such as: insecurity, possessiveness, immaturity, gaucheness, psychological repression and body/shame issues.

Reason enough for many to nip such a partnership in the bud, regardless of gender or orientation.

TerrorFirmer wrote: »

One can advise to avoid on that premise, but really, depending on what you're looking for, it can be a far better thing then what you're advocating....

It does depend on what you're looking for I agree. I'm unsure what you mean by this alternative he is advocating and why it would necessarily be negative?

Moomoo1

Canluum wrote: »

While others would find it sex-negative, backward, inhibitory, victorian, controlling and arbitrarily repressive. As well as being indicative of a wealth of undesirable traits such as: insecurity, possessiveness, immaturity, gaucheness, psychological repression and body/shame issues.

are you having a laugh? So just because a woman isn't willing to jump into bed for two months she is all those things?

talk about viewing women as objects...

Canluum

Moomoo1 wrote: »

are you having a laugh? So just because a woman isn't willing to jump into bed for two months she is all those things?

A person who prohibits any form physical intimacy beyond holding hands, even kissing may not be "all those things"... but it would certainly be IMHO a red flag. It's very understandable for someone to want to remove themselves from (arguably) such a depressing and controlling situation.

Moomoo1 wrote: »

talk about viewing women as objects...

You'll notice I didn't specify gender, and that all of the comments I used were unrelated to the physical.

Desire for physical intimacy in a relationship != sexual objectification.

If such behaviour stems merely from a low libido, then you could chalk it up to sexual incompatibility and move on. If it's culturally induced sexual repression, particularly of women, then that's surely more worrisome. Especially considering it's likely patriarchal in nature, i.e. slut-shaming, virgin-pedestalising and other such nonsense.

Moomoo1

Canluum wrote: »

A person who prohibits any form physical intimacy beyond holding hands, even kissing may not be "all those things"... but it would certainly be IMHO a red flag. It's very understandable for someone to want to remove themselves from (arguably) such a depressing and controlling situation.

ok, it's up to you to decide what a red flag is for you, and what is not. But you cannot go and label people all the things you have labeled her.

not wanting to kiss is a personal choice, and too often people are victimised for making such choices when they don't fit in with the 'accepted stereotype'.

Canluum wrote: »

You'll notice I didn't specify gender, and that all of the comments I used were unrelated to the physical.

Desire for physical intimacy in a relationship != sexual objectification.

If such behaviour stems merely from a low libido, then you could chalk it up to sexual incompatibility and move on. If it's culturally induced sexual repression, particularly of women, then that's surely more worrisome. Especially considering it's likely patriarchal in nature, i.e. slut-shaming, virgin-pedestalising and other such nonsense.

no, I am not talking about a low libido. I am talking about a wish to take things (very) slowly, and also a wish to have some reassurance that things are going somewhere before intimacy - to me that is quite understandable. Yes, I am sure it is partly cultural, but your opinion is equally in part cultural - our culture is as good at dictating norms to people as any other e.g. in pressuring young people to have sex.

Emme

Canluum wrote: »

If such behaviour stems merely from a low libido, then you could chalk it up to sexual incompatibility and move on.

If it's culturally induced sexual repression, particularly of women, then that's surely more worrisome. Especially considering it's likely patriarchal in nature, i.e. slut-shaming, virgin-pedestalising and other such nonsense.

Turn the clock back a few decades and you're describing Ireland to a tee.

The slut-shaming still goes on, despite women being expected to jump into bed as soon as possible.

Women in Ireland just can't win, and some Irish men have seriously messed-up views of female sexuality.

All the more reason for the OP to respect the Chinese girl's wishes and for Chinese girls to continue not letting men use them or mess them around.

LegacyUser

Whether it takes this couple a few weeks or a few years to have sex is part of the issue - and part that they can work out themselves if they are committed to each other enough.

The alarm bell ringing for me is that she sounds very controlling.

Let's get back to cultural differences. In Asia, keeping 'face' is all important. That means behaving with dignity and not showing when things are bothering you... it has negative and positive sides to it I suppose. This girl is showing jealousy, possessiveness and insecurity. By her own cultural standards (keeping 'face'), she's not presenting herself too well tbh, and that kind of carry on isn't cool in our culture either.
The thing with dating foreign (which I generally do myself) is that sometimes you can't read people the way natives can read each other... like a friend of mine who dated a very 'passionate' (read jealous) guy for a few months. Eventually she realised it wasn't his native machismo that made him behave badly (in ways that she would not accept from an Irish guy) - he was just an asshole - in any culture!

By all means give it a shot, but remember that cool people behave a certain way regardless of where they're from, and so do the other type.

Ickle Magoo

Folks, please keep replies on topic and helpful to the OP and be aware that off-topic and unhelpful posting can earn you a ban from this forum.

If you haven't done so already, please take the time to read the [URL=" http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?t=2056181484"]forum rules[/URL] in the charter.

Many thanks

Chairman Meow

Moomoo1 wrote: »

are you having a laugh? So just because a woman isn't willing to jump into bed for two months she is all those things?

talk about viewing women as objects...

Yeah but i wasnt looking to jump into bed, the woman would barely hold my hand after 2 months of dating. Thats ridiculous. I dont know about you or anyone else but id at least like to know if my girlfriend is a nice kisser before i make her my girlfriend. It was an intensely boring 2 months tho, not just the lack of physical cotnact, but it was very sterile..prosaic. Boring. Looking back on it ive no idea how i lasted 2 months. Wouldnt do it again anyway. Maybe Japanese as they seem a bit more liberal but Chinese women, no thanks.

Canluum

Chairman Meow wrote: »

Wouldnt do it again anyway. Maybe Japanese as they seem a bit more liberal

It comes much more down to the individual than the person's nationality. Some people see the inconsistency and are willing, if introduced to another, to embrace values contrary to what they've been brought up with... heck, some really want to! Japanese are just as capable of being extremely immature, jealous, insecure, physically timid and conservative.

Chairman Meow wrote: »

but Chinese women, no thanks.

I would not rule out ~200,000,000 people based on one single bad experience I've dated an american who was similar to this chinese girl, but I didn't hold it against the nation, and since have dated others who were her opposite (in private at least).