Random Jokes

smiley girl

A woman walks into a drugstore and asks the pharmacist if he sells size extra large condoms. He replies, "Yes we do. Would you like to buy some?"
She responds, "No sir, but do you mind if I wait around here until someone does?"
_____________________

Blond joke

"Hi Mom!"

"Hi Sally, where are you ? I thought you were with your father at the Ace Hardware."

"Yeah we were, but I got arrested, and they've let me make one phone call.."

"What happened ?"

"Oh, I punched this African-American woman in the head."

"What on earth happened...?Why did you do that ?"

"Well it wasn't my fault. Dad told me to find a Black & Decker."

______________________

A police officer came to the door holding a picture of my wife. He said "is this your wife sir, I'm afraid it looks like she's been in a car crash."

I replied "I know but she's got a lovely personality."

kk7

A man with a bald head and a wooden leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party.
He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to
a fancy dress company to explain his problem.
A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head
and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit
emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint.
A week passes and he receives another parcel and note:

Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover
your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really
incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to
drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint.
A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:

Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over
your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.


CHINESE SICK LEAVE: 'I NO COME WOK TODAY!!!'

Hung Chow calls his work and says, 'Hey, I no come wok
today, I really sick . Got headache, stomach ache and legs
hurt, I no come wok.'
The boss says, 'You know something, Hung Chow, I really
need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my
wife and tell her to give me sex . That makes everything
better and I go to work. You try that.'

Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. 'I do what you say
and I feel great. I be at wok soon.........You got nice house.'

kk7

On a tour of England, the Pope took a couple of days off to visit the North West coast.

His 4x4 Pope-Mobile was driving along the golden sands when there was an enormous commotion.

They rushed to see what it was and upon approaching the scene the Pope noticed just outside the surf, a hapless man wearing a Man Utd jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 20 foot shark!

At that moment a speedboat containing three men wearing Liverpool tops roared into view.

Spontaneously, one of the men took aim at the shark and fired a harpoon into its ribs, immobilising it instantly.

The other two reached out and pulled the Manc fan from the water and then,using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They bundled the bleeding, semiconscious man into the speedboat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat, when they heard frantic calling from the shore......

It was the Pope, summoning them to the beach.

Upon reaching land, the Pope went into raptures about the rescue and said,"I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I'd heard that you Scousers were racist, xenophobic people trying to divide the people of Britain but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true". "I can see your society is a truly enlightened example of tribal harmony which could serve as a model for other nations."

He blessed them all and drove off. As he departed, the harpoonist asked the others, "Who was dat?!"

"Dat," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He's in direct contact with God and has access to all God's wisdom like."

"Well," the harpoonist replied, "he knows absolutely naff all about shark fishing, the tosser. How's the bait holding up or do we need to get another one?"

kk7

I'm sure that upon reading this, you'll nod your head in agreement as you will all have experienced most, if not all of the scenarios listed. If you haven't you need more fiber.....

The Perfect Dump
Every once in a while everyone experiences the perfect dump. It's rare but a real thing of beauty. You sit down expecting the worse, but what you get is a smooth sliding, fart-less masterpiece that breaks the water with the splash-less grace of an Olympic high-diving champion. You use the toilet tissue to find that it was totally unnecessary. It makes you feel that all is right in the world and that you are in perfect harmony with it.

The Beer Dump
Nasty! Depends upon the dumper's tolerance and is the result of too many beers - doesn't matter if it was 2 or 22. What you get is a sinister, lengthy, noisy dump accompanied by an odious malevolent fog that could close the bathroom for days. Naked flames are ill advised.....

The Chilli Dump (aka The Japanese Flag)
Hot when it goes in and napalm when it comes out. It stays with you all day stinging yer ring and generally making your choccie starfish feel like the Shuttle's heat shield. Also makes your ass look like "a Japanese Flag".

The Empty Roll Dump
Relief - you've finished and reach for the tissue only to find an empty cardboard cylinder staring back at you. Panic overcomes you. You could use the curtains but then someone would ask "where are the curtains?" Use the rug? Nah, too bulky and cumbersome. You then come to the same conclusion that every "empty roll dumper " must face.....pull up yer kecks tighten yer cheeks and shuffle yourself to the nearest loo roll. Failing that you could always use your shirt-tail or one of your socks!

The Splash Back Dump
This one drops like a depth charge creating a column of cold water that washes your sphincter with a startlingly unpleasant shock. Now your wet - and embarrassed if the column of water went half way up your back. Tip of the day: blot instead of wiping.

The Childbirth Dump
This one is just too big to go through the aperture provided by nature for this purpose. You sit there thinking over your dilemma. First it hurts, and then gets no better. You sweat violently and wonder if you'll ever see your loved ones again. You imagine the newspaper headlines screaming "Man dies trying to hatch monster loaf!" There are only three things you can do: 1. Scream 2. Call an Obstetrician 3. Hope to hell you've got some Vaseline to help you get through it.

The Machine Gun Dump
Best utilized in public conveniences. You sit there in sublime peace when suddenly you emit a group of noisy gassy bursts that break the tranquility like machine gun fire. The guy in the next cubicle hits the floor like a Vietnam veteran, cradling his umbrella like a M16....damn commies.

The Sound Effect Dump
You feel a noisy one coming on but relatives, friends or work mates are within earshot. So, you must employ some clever techniques to cover the disgusting sounds you are about to emit. Timing is of the essence. At the precise moment of release, try the following: 1. Flush the toilet 2. Drop loose change on the floor, 3. Sing the first two stanzas of your favorite opera.

The Cling-On Dump
You've finished but there's one damn morsel that refuses to drop. You grip the seat with both hands and wriggle. You twist and pump but the little bastard just hands there, suspended, clinging like a canned peach between you and the water below. If only you had some scissors.......

The Whole Roll Dump
No matter how much you wipe, it just isn't enough. You blow the whole roll and have to flush at least a dozen times. The whole episode is consumer waste. Eventually if your toilet paper runs into minimal supply anything will do, towels, wash clothes, carpet, walls, whatever it takes.

The Encore Dump
Ahhh, you've done, so you wipe, dress, flush, wash hands and are about to leave the auditorium when you feel another dump coming on. You must therefore return for a curtain call. The world record is seven encores.....

The Houdini Dump
You go, you stand to flush and it has disappeared! Did it creep down the pipe or did you dream the whole thing? Should you flush? Oh yes as you can guarantee that if you don't, it will reappear and smile at the next person who comes in.

Sometimes when **** happens, you want to be able to articulate the experience more than just you've, taken a ****. Here are some **** definitions to help you explain the situation better to your friends and family...

Ghost ****
You know you've ****. There's **** on the toilet paper, but no **** in the bowl.

Teflon Coated ****
Comes out so slick, clean and easy that you don't feel it. No traces of **** on the toilet paper, you have to look in the bowl to be sure you did it!

Gooey ****
This has the consistency of hot tar. You wipe your ass 12 times and it still doesn't come clean. You end up putting toilet paper in your underwear so you don't stain it. This **** leaves permanent skid marks in the toilet.

Second Thought ****
You're all done wiping your ass and you're about to stand up when you realize it.....you've got some more.

Pop a Vein in Your Forehead ****
This kind is the kind of **** that killed Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.

Bali Belly ****
You **** so much you lose 5 kilos.

Right Now ****
You better be within 10 seconds of a toilet. Usually it has its head out before you get your pants down.



King Kong or Commode Choker ****
This **** is so big that you know it won't go down the toilet unless you break it into smaller chunks. A coat hanger works well. This kind of **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Wet Cheeks ****
This **** hits the water sideways and makes a BIG splash that gets your ass wet.

Wish ****
You sit there all cramped up and fart a few times, but no ****!

Cement Block or Oh God ****
You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before you ****.

Snake ****
This **** is fairly soft and about as big around as your thumb and at least three feet long.

Cork **** (Also Known as Floater ****)
Even after the third flush, it's still floating in there. My god! How do I get rid of it? This **** usually happens at someone else's house.

Mexican Food **** (also called Screamers)
You'll know it's alright to eat again when your asshole stops burning.

Beer Drunk ****
This happens the day after the night before. Normally your **** doesn't smell too bad, but this **** is BAD. Usually there's somebody standing outside to use the bathroom. This kind of **** also usually happens at someone else's house.

The Frightened Turtle
The kind of **** that just pokes its head out then quickly goes back in

The Bungee ****
The kind of **** that just hangs off your ass before it falls into the water.

The Ring of Fire ****
The kind of **** where you eat really spicy food and your asshole feels like the inside of a cigarette lighter.

The Crippler
The kind of **** where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist down.

The Big Bobber
The kind of **** that no matter how many times you flush it always floats back to the surface.

The ****ty ****ty Bang Bang
The kind of **** that hits you when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.

The Incredible Hulk ****
The king of **** that sits in the toilet overnight and mysteriously expands to twice it's normal size.

The Jack the Ripper ****
The kind of **** that yanks out the hair of your ass as it pushes its way out.

The Party Pooper
The giant **** you take at a party. And when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise.

The Toxic Gas ****
The kind of **** that makes you pass out and fall of the toilet before you finish, and then you wake up in some strange South American town.

Dirty Bowl ****
The kind of **** that comes out in a million pieces a second, reminiscent of an avalanche - but with rocket propulsion, and splatters all over the toilet bowl.

The Windy City ****
When you sit down, and fart for so long and hard that you no longer need to take a ****.

Oh ****! ****
You **** so much and wipe your ass so furiously you run out of toilet paper and you say OH ****!

The Never Ending ****
It's the **** that keeps running out of your ass like pee, and just when you start wiping your ass your stomach gargles and splash, more **** runs out. This always happens after eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Ouch That Hurt ****
The type of **** that leaves you feeling like you just hoped onto a bicycle without a seat. Sensation usually lasts hours.

Kev.

What do you call a Chinese Cameraman?


Phil Ming

Shreddingblood

Austrian proverb: Women are like a good wine, they should be left in the cellar to mature.

Dr.Dre

What's the difference between Marmalade and Jam.











I can't 'Marmalade' my c*ck up your arse!!

Deemaxxi

A fat lass served me in MacDonalds the other day, she said "sorry about the wait"


I replied "don`t worry you fat c - n t , you`ll lose it eventually"!




My wife has just found out she was adopted. I tried to comfort her and after lots of tears and cuddles one thing led to another and we ended up having sex. This only led to even more tears from her….

On second thought banging her up the arse and shouting “who’s your daddy” probably wasn’t a good idea

alie

Amy Winehouse special in McDonalds-free coke n ice with every meal.
What do Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse have in common- a ten year old crack addiction

Shreddingblood

[QUOTE=alie;73498581
What do Michael Jackson and Amy Winehouse have in common- a ten year old crack addiction[/QUOTE]
If I could give more thanks I would.

She's dead. They tried to make me give a **** but I said no,no,no.

alie

What do we want? Fight for Dsylexia. When do we want it? OWN

Tin Foil Hat

"What do we want?"
"A cure for Tourettes"
"When do we want it?"
cúnts!"

alie

Michael Jackson announced a new world tour and then died
Amy Winehouse announced a new world tour and then died
Cannot wait for Justin Biebers new world tour.


Anyone into cat food?
Iam

marcsignal

Rupert Murdock said he was touched, by all of the messages on Amy Winehouses mobile phone.

At least now, Amy winehouse can do her lines of coke off the shiniest surface known to man... Jade Goodys head.